<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d2360364821935943103\x26blogName\x3dMy+own+story\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dBLACK\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://cassie-kiara.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://cassie-kiara.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d-6461036474578758038', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
Cliched New Year post
Here comes that dreaded time of the year, the New Year. Like all bloggers, I ought to do a post about 2013 and 2014. I'm glad to know that 2013 has been eventful and blissful for many of my friends. I even wished I had it half as awesome as they did. Perhaps it is my mindset, and how I should be grateful for the things I've had in 2013, but yeah... There were many things that could have been done better.

Why 2013 was awesome for me.
I should start with what made me happy in 2013.

I started 2013 with being attached. That was a huge happiness for me, considering I've been with really mean guys and then went on to think that I would never meet a nice guy. It's the start of 2014, and we're still together, going strong. Love you, hon.

I had a three-day work week at school, and graduated University. I didn't do as badly as I thought I would, and also, I found a job shortly after graduation. That was incredibly fortunate for me as uni-grads often complain about how hard it is to find a job after graduation. In addition, the first job was quite demanding of my time, and I was fortunate also to land myself another job at my current company. Yep.

I went to Hong Kong. It's somewhere I've never been to, and it's the second trip I had with my bf (with his buddies). Also, it's the first time I've been to any Disneyland.

On that note, I also managed to pull out some time, with some sacrifices from the bf, to visit attractions around Singapore. This included the quite awesome Universal Studios, SEA Aquarium, and Gardens by the Bay. It was really an eye opener.

This year I also managed to watch David Choi live @ Hard Rock Cafe Singapore, which has been a wish of mine since the first time he came to Singapore. I was still schooling at that time so it was hard for me to get to the performance.

This year I met up more often with my bffs Mel and Gel. We didn't meet up as often in the past because of busy school lives but we've made it a point to try to meet at least once a month for a meal. They were even nice enough to let me bring the bf along sometimes.

My 22nd birthday was simple but sweet. The bf booked a chalet at Downtown East so we spent time together having our own celebrations. We also got to play at Wild Wild Wet, which was cool.


Why 2013 was a pain for me.
So if you're sick of reading sad stuff, DON'T READ ON! Really, just, move along if you don't want to read.

Many of the timings for stuff were bad. While getting a job is good, the first job came too early, and I actually started work even before my graduation ceremony. I had to take unpaid leave for the event, and then go back to work the next day. I didn't have time to appreciate my youth and celebrate the achievement of graduation university.

The only trip I took out of the country was to Hong Kong. Now I understand that many people don't even have a chance to go overseas but look, the trip wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it to be. I went with a bunch of people whom I wasn't even close to. There was really very little emotional communication between them and me, and my bf had to be the middle person like, all the time. That said, he also fell sick throughout the trip and.. yeah the whole thing was bad. BAD. I don't want to do the same mistake of going to a foreign land with people I'm not familiar with anymore ):

That said, I didn't have a travel trip which I could enjoy, and then.. I started work.

Then I tried to remedy it, like all bad things. Try to make it less bothersome. I quit my first job, hoping to take at least a month off to tell fate I'm sorry for not appreciating my youth. Then on the first day of my break, my bf started his first day of work. So, I didn't have the couple time I planned to have.

Things were rough for him too with his family and all, and I was really hoping to refresh the whole relationship with this rare opportunity for a break. But nope, he had to start work, which left me all miserable because.. well, I couldn't do what I planned to do anymore.

That time, I fell into depression, I don't deny that. And I suffered. I pained inside and out everyday during that period of 2013.

I guess now I'm out of that phase but to end things off for 2013, I was actually home alone.

Yep. Sad sad lonely me on New Year's eve. Past two new years have been spent in Korea, AWESOMELY. Now I wished I was there again, not here being sour. ):


It's 2014 already?!
Can't believe it, but I've taken in the first sunshine of the year. I wouldn't say it was exactly bright and shiny. A part of me hope it would still be 2013, and give myself more time to set the year right for me, maybe make it a little more fulfilling than it is.

I really have not much hopes for 2014, except maybe for it to bring me less shit. For people to be a little more cooperative when it comes to me. But we all know nothing is ever smooth sailing. One moment it is all set and ready and the next moment someone comes and say 'SORRY~!' and it gets cancelled.

(As if sorry solves everything...)

I don't have anything planned for 2014, partly for that reason. Whenever I plan something, people more often than not, tell me to wait. And I wait, god knows when it comes true. AND, if I were going to be waiting anyway, why not just let things happen without my interference...

What is meant to be, will be.. And what isn't, will not.

How about that to pass the coming year, yeah?

it's 4:59 PM now on Wednesday, January 1, 2014



Likes,
What I like.

I like punctuality. I like when people are on time, or early, and wait for me for once instead of me waiting for them.

I like someone who thinks from my point of view. I like someone who doesn't point fingers yet put in the effort to understand me.

I like to talk to people about themselves and myself. I like that people trust me enough to share their issues, trust me enough to keep their secrets for them.

I like people who think I'm awesome the way I am.

I like people who make me feel special, and people who do special things for me. I like people who do small things that show that they care.

I like gifts. I like when people give me little stuff, food, accessories, a card.

I like people who write. I like letters and notes and words.

I like people who like the things that I like. I like when people do with me the things that I enjoy doing.
I like people who enjoy the same music as I do, play the games I play, watch the same movies that I like, read the same books that I enjoy.

I like when people make effort to make me happy by their actions. I like when people willingly sacrifice something so they could make me smile.

I like stars. I like the shimmer they give even in the vast darkness. I like it that they watch over me as I sleep.

There are so many things I like, I can't even post them all.

Yet most days, I get the things I don't like.
There isn't really a point to this post, I just felt like typing it out. Venting.
Maybe act as a reminder that I actually still have preferences.

Maybe in the hopes that one day someone would be willing to do that, I don't know):

it's 1:19 AM now on Saturday, February 23, 2013



Why am I someone's child?
Some parents just don't understand how to talk to their children. This is especially true for mine.
Throughout my life, I cannot count how many times my parents have said such hurtful things to me, about me... Even as a child when I was looking to know myself, looking to define myself, I sought no solace in my parents as they told me their perceptions about me.

Parents should at least make an effort to let their child trust them. I was casted out, emotionally, since I was a child. I've lost my trust in them since 7. It occurred over a long time, where they punished me for deeds I did not commit, and they never once listened to my side of the story. They took whatever my teacher told them as the absolute truth, and beat me up for it. I couldn't trust them anymore.

Then there were those times, my parents told me how they never wanted a child... And they had me only because my father was the first of his siblings to get married, and my grandmother wanted a grandchild. I was just created as a tool to entertain.

Then there were also those times how my parents relentlessly remind of me how much I am using up their hard-earned money. They use money to pressure me into doing things for them.

Whenever my father didn't help my mum in doing anything, such as fixing things at home, or keeping the place neat, I was the one who did them in his place. Whenever my dad would sit around playing bejeweled, my mum would nag about how nobody helped her in anything, with the naggings aimed at me. Whenever my dad messed up the place, I was the one made to pick his mess up and get scolded for it. I replaced my dad's emotional role in her life, and took the blames for him.

At the end of it all, she tells me that my dad is the one bringing the money home and she would be happy even if he didn't help at all with the house. Mom, you're happy about it because you made me fill the gap for you. I did them all while he took the credit. I took your scoldings for him.
Proof? I stayed in hostel for two years, and then another half a year in Korea. The house is still as messy, shouldn't it be enough to tell you I'm not the one creating the mess?

I am a thrifty person. I know my parents are paying for my expenses and my education. But what am I to do? I am a living person and I need money to survive. And I need to survive because my parents brought me into this world. This world so devoid of love from them. Like I was pulled out of a garbage dump so I should be living a shitty life because I wasn't related to them. They want to say that I'm using their money? Of course I am. But they should be glad because unlike most other girls my age, I don't shop excessively, I don't buy the things I don't need. I have times where I spend a little more because I also deserve some semblence of luxury. Yet all in all, I don't spend excessively.

They don't let me work while studying, yet still complain about this.

I don't know what they want from me, or why they even want me around.
I can't even express my thoughts because none of my parents want to hear me talk, and none of them realize that as a human, I have feelings too.

Today, my mum told me how she despised babies because they cry, they're noisy, they stink, and she doesn't know what they want. She told me that I should never EVER think about asking her to care for my kids next time, because she hates babies.
Then I thought to myself, I was a baby too. Did she hate me?
I remembered how she had told me many times that my dad was the one changing my nappies because she didn't want to. My dad, lazy like he is with chores, changing my nappy? That's just disgusting because dad knew she would never do it and thus had no choice.

Then again, such a statement just sounds like she isn't even supportive of my future.
And then she just brushed it off, saying, 'think so far for what?'

I have plans for my future, and she's telling me not to think so far. Which parents says that to their children?

Also she said, 'aiyah, nowadays so easy, pay someone to take care of the kids lah.'
Know what? I'm speechless. I'm just so appalled at how adamant she is about not helping me in the future, even though I don't even have kids now.

Now I know how neglected I was as a kid. And the reality of why I don't feel loved by my parents.
And how they defined their love by how much money they let me spend.

My life wasn't bad, in the material needs. It's comfortable.
But emotionally, it's just sick. It's horrible.

When I step into the house, I see my mum's black face. I have to tolerate naggings on end. She can complain that I'm home late, and I don't talk to her. But know what? Every Saturday I talk to her, and we end up arguing, and I feel less loved.
It doesn't matter whether I'm home or not. The thing is that I'm already 22 this year, not some teenager that you'd keep locked up at home. I'd much rather spend time with my bf, where he would make me laugh like a little girl again, and look at me with admiration.

Which is why the faster I graduate and earn my own money, the better. No longer can they manipulate me with their money.

I know next time they won't need to depend on me solely for money, so I'm not worried. I'm not some unfilial daughter that throws my parents out, no matter how much they think I will. No matter how unloved they make me feel. I will give them enough, I will be financially independent from them, and they won't use money to manipulate me or buy my love. They will earn their love using their hearts.

it's 6:18 PM now on Saturday, February 2, 2013



Running to the end.
There are those moments my mind becomes a visual player and walks me through the moments I've had in my life. While the happy memories play, it lets me know I'm still a living being. Gives me a sense of normalcy about being alive. Yet while the bad memories play, it makes me aware of all the scars I've had, and then telling me again how the wound was there, how it ripped to expose those nerves and the pain of it all felt so real.

As the years go by, I find it harder to perceive my life in perfect years. If you told me to recall everything from January to December in a year, I couldn't. Studying in a university screws up your time perception because an academic year span right across two years - e.g. it begins august 2012 and ends may 2013. Therefore, every time I finish an academic year, I feel like I could close an old chapter and start a new one in the story of my life.

But sometimes, I try. While it is nearing the end of 2012, I try to really recall what happened from January to December 2012.

Year 2, semester 2.
When it was January, I was still attached. It wasn't the most pleasant thing ever although there were moments of normalcy. I struggled because every day was a challenge to get through. I was walking cautiously with regards to my relationship because you see, we were hanging on by a thin thread.

I felt like I was giving more than I was receiving, yet I never seemed to do anything right. Every other day, I hear from him that he was going to leave me. It almost sounded like a resolve, a determination. The kind of statement where someone was just hinting for me to GTFO of his life.

Every few days, I will be told that he can't say that he loves me, and if he did then he'd be lying.

Then there was the blame fest. While he did something that would most definitely upset me, he constantly blamed me for throwing the relationship because I was being unhappy. Till this day, he still doesn't get that a human like me has a right to be upset with the horrible things he's done.
When he had caused me to be late for an important meeting, he disregarded any of my feelings and even scolded me for being so uptight about punctuality.

Until it was International Women's Day where I read articles about women rights. Somehow I just felt like I shouldn't be dealing with these sort of trash, living this sort of life. A life where I cared for someone with all I have, while he pushes me around and puts me at the lowest of his priorities. So I told him that I'd give him what he wanted, and that was to get out of his life.

He didn't even give any effort into salvaging whatever was left of the relationship. He let it go the way you let go of trash while sticking your hand in the bin. He thought he was a savior for doing what he did.

And after that, all he wanted to say was that we would still be friends. That he could care for me as a friend and not a girlfriend.

I don't know why he thought that way as if I had agreed. I was nice to him; perhaps he wanted to retain my care for him while he relinquishes his care for me? One shouldn't simply assume friendship after such things have occurred. Going to a relationship, yes, it does spoil friendships. But ultimately, if there was a time where he would take care of you, and he chose otherwise... These friends aren't that much worth keeping.

I can't be a friend because I support my friends fully. I tell my friends that I'd be there for them whenever they need me. My friends are (I hope) true friends that would do the same for me. That's why I don't have many friends, but the bunch I have are amazing people. If you told me that I should be a friend to an ex who has hurt me countless times and never took responsibility... I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing it for them.

So like that, I remained single for the next few months.

I went through SCamp a free lady. I took care of my freshies, both guys and girls, with all the love that I had. I loved each and every one of my OG seniors and freshies. And most of them loved me back.

I complained about the woes of being single with all the singles in my MC. We'd just HTHT and sigh about all the girls that they guys have missed, stirred shit with whoever guy we could come up with with the girls. And then we'd laugh it off.

And for that time, even though I was alone... I wasn't feeling bad. I wasn't loved, but then again, nobody does... I'd be happy with that, rather than know that someone was supposed to love me but didn't want to.

And when I flew off for exchange, I gave my love to whoever I'd miss while I'm away.. And embarked on a journey that would redefine life for me.

So now here I am, writing this, finishing up my rather eventful year.
Of course there are more things to reflect on if I were to talk about my journey.. But it's still too early to talk about that.

Some things still baffle me.
My exes are still talking to me. While mostly I don't see the point why they would want to, considering the way they've treated me in the past. They didn't care about me then, sometimes I wonder why they would want to care for me now.

I get it if you want to apologize. I get it if you want to clarify things for me. If you want to talk to me about the above topics, I'd talk to you genuinely. If you want to talk to me just for your self-fulfillment (e.g. See I told you it was a good choice), then I see no point. You were once in a position where you had everything you could get from me, and when you gave me up to the elements, I had assumed you had given these privileges up too.

As a cautious person, I always wondered what sort of motives people have for contacting me. While almost all my friends contact me because they care for me or they miss me or they need something or some help from me... When there are people who push me away, and then look for me again as if nothing happened, it really confuses me. I have no idea what they want with me.

-scratches head-

But anyway, I am looking forward to going home. Exams are so near and I get that feeling of I just want to get exams over and done with and take a good break. I've been on studies non-stop since January! From NUS to summer school to exchange... I'm exhausted ><
 T_T

Please just let me finish this and then go to sleep a.k.a. rest with no motives to accomplish during the day...

it's 7:44 PM now on Monday, December 10, 2012



Back with more frustrations
Ahh Cass, so pathetic when I'm back blogging here. But you know that when I'm here I'm normally upset, frustrated, sad about something. Yep, you guessed it right.

Recently I have been having some issues la. Being in a foreign country, living half my dream, you'd think I am happy. A part of me is happy, I guess. Happy that I can let go of my past a little, happy that I'm in a place where I want to be. Happy to be meeting new people.

But with new experiences come new troubles.

I have two roommates so far and both of them have given me troubles.

And me being me, I don't know how to tell people how they're upsetting me. So most of the time I just get more and more upset.

Recently I started on League of Legends. Blame me for being late, but seriously, having so much shit with that.

So I started playing just a couple weeks ago, and attracted a lot of attention from other people who have been playing it for a long time. Mostly my friends.

And to be honest, it annoys them when I don't do things well in the games. See, how the match works is that the system will match up people of around similar level (in the game). Some accounts are smurf accounts whereby high level players create a new account.

Now see, my friends who are really high levelled, they want to play with me. So smurfed or not, that is their skills and they can't drop it. Playing with them is stressful because things go so fast and I can't keep up. Plus, guys being guys, they get all fired up when it comes to these kinda things.

I don't know how many times in the past couple weeks that I've heard disappointment in their voices coz of me, or how they get frustrated whenever we lose a game, or I cause the team to lose, or something. You hear them being mean to someone else who is bad, and all you think to yourself is that well, 'I'm just as bad, or maybe even worse than that player there!'

And because I am just so unskilled, all of my friends are trying to tutor me. Telling me things I should look out for, things I should or shouldn't do, things that went wrong and what to avoid. I mean, I can't keep up to that! I know they're trying to be helpful and all, but these things take time. Slowly, yes, slowly, so please be understanding about that...

Not to mention, it's my first time being in this genre of games and no, my brain and my muscles just can't do it.

I have tried playing by myself with players I totally don't know and all the levels were evened out nicely. In those games, I do perfectly well. Although there were kinks and stuff but EVERYBODY there had kinks and mistakes. And they were all supportive. Somehow I just enjoy those games more, playing with normal people who... aren't all particular about what small little mistakes that I make.

So like games are supposed to be more relaxed and enjoyable but when the pressure is there to be better or to improve it's just so... much less relaxing. They'll tell you it's fine because you're new but, everybody knows how much the difference in skill is and you know how bad you are.

I am a gamer girl too and I understand how gamers get frustrated over a game. Yes, we all know it's just a game, nothing worthy to be upset about. But still, it feels good after a win, and it will feel bad, similarly, after a loss. And because of that, they blame each other, they blame their teammates. Now this is just treading in one's emotions already because nobody likes to be yelled at.

They know it's just a game, so they will get upset when people are blaming them for a seemingly small matter. So yes, people can get very upset because of games. They're not crazy. They are being human.

So that's my rant for that part.

Another part that frustrates me is how helpless I am with matters back home in Singapore while I am here in Korea.

Technology does help with information exchange and communication. Yes, I have used that to my advantage. But what it does, is just simply that, information exchange. I can't offer an extra set of hands for things that need to be done. I can't physically be there to help someone cope with an issue.

Hell, out of sight out of mind can only be alleviated that much by technology.

Because when I left I saw who my true friends are. Who actually cared about me enough to chat with me, spend some time with me, and be interested in what I'm doing over here. Or how I am ranked in their list of friends. No, I don't rank very high.

But I am really really glad for that select few people who are ever so loving towards me. I totally didn't expect that it were this group of people. But trust me, the ones I expected to correspond mostly didn't. And the people who kept in contact with me, I treasure them a whole lot more now.

So I just got informed my presence isn't felt because I'm just a bunch of pixels and text on screen. Not exactly in that form of speech but I kinda simplified and summarized it.

Now that upset me. I know it can't be helped, but see? That is how helpless I am over here and not back home there.

I try so hard, you know.. To make my presence felt. That I am a real person just separated from them by physical distance but truly, my heart is with them always. If you're up for a chat, then I can talk to you. I'm not a bot, I am a real human on the other side of the screen!!!

Sigh.

I guess, I can only wait till I get back to rectify everything...

It doesn't help that it upsets me while I am over here. Sometimes I just want my existence to be known and felt. You know how when someone else you know is also on exchange but the common pool of friends are just more interested in the other friend than you?

Yeah, sucks.

ARGH! Life why do you have to troll me all the damn time. Stop giving me a hard time.

it's 2:56 AM now on Sunday, October 21, 2012



The train.
Waiting for the train to come, she put her earphones on and hit shuffle on her iPod. Nothing is more comforting than the sound of familiar music blasting in her ears, drowning out the sounds around her. Because amidst the shuffling of feet, people in conversation, children squealing and the whirr of the world, an eerie silence of loneliness surrounds her.

As the train pulls in, she moved swiftly and found a seat. Sandwiched between two obese individuals, she closed her eyes. Because despite the encroachment of personal space with people in close proximity, she was alone. That is how the human mind works, we tolerate encroachment of personal space in public because we imagine others as inanimate object... And once someone in your personal space starts interacting with you, we are disturbed and move away.

Heaving a sigh, with EXO-K's 'Mama' playing in her ears, she opened her eyes and observed the world around her.

At a corner, near the dormant sliding doors, there were... a girl, and a boy. They were talking, smiling at each other. She was reminded of a time when she had such moments. It was a boy, who used to hold her like she mattered. And now, it is no more. Better to have lost than to be held... and then dropped and shattered to pieces later, She thought.

It worked. She didn't feel regret about leaving that jerk of a guy. For all she's known, she had done her best holding on to something that could die at any moment. But there came a time where he had hurt her one too many times. He didn't know to treasure her, and she was done being a cheap, manipulated individual in the world. To save her soul from further damage, she left.

A part of her still wanted her love. A want to be held like she mattered. To be important, to be treasured, to be loved. But she knew to stop expecting. If she was alone, maybe it was because she was meant to be. And if it's her fate, she knew that no matter how hard she tried, she would never win fate.

You're meant to be alone in this world. 


She has heard this being told to her how many times... And life continues to taunt her with the things she'll never have for herself.

Damnit, She thought to herself.

In the seat opposite hers, a girl in her early twenties was happily typing messages on her phone. She looked down at her own phone, and scrolled through her contacts, hoping to find at least someone she could chat with... Someone who was willing to spend time on their phones talking about anything under the sun with her.

None. She paused at a name she knew too well over the past month or so... But she knew that it won't be right to be talking to him. He was a close friend... Just not close enough. Everything she thought wouldn't happen, actually happened with him. A wave a huge disappointment swept over her mind as she pondered about the sequence of events they've been through.

The more she pondered, the more evidence she found for her disappointment. She saw how a friendship could be destroyed, and this time, she didn't want to save it. She figured it would cost her more to save it than it was worth. She thought of him as a close friend and was that close to trusting again... yet everything changed. Similarly, she wasn't really treasured.

Nobody like to be compared like that, especially not her. She didn't know what's wrong with her life. No matter how hard she tried, she'd end up lagging behind someone who she didn't know how-the-hell-he/she-got-there. Blame it on the damn fates again. Just when she was doing so well, the fates panicked and plopped someone else there to foil her plans. Damn fates.

'NEXT STATION, DHOBY GHAUT INTERCHANGE. PASSENGERS...'


She sighed once more, picked up her bag, stood up and got ready to alight.

Afterall, everyone ends up alone.

it's 1:02 AM now on Friday, June 15, 2012



Eh Please. Independence.
I don't know how my parents are going to survive while I am away in Korea. I honestly, in all honestly, feel like suddenly everything is all too inconvenient, and then they just won't do anything.

Today my Dad brought back this weird device which he says can be connected to the TV for internet access. When I first walked past him and saw it, I had no idea what it even was. And then he asked me to go fix this up. Like, hello? You're the guy, you work as a technician, and you set up computers and networks in our house even before I knew how to switch on a computer.

And you tell me to go fix up something that I have no single idea about it?

You could just look at the port and find a matching port on the TV, Daddy. Please just be more independent.

Sometimes, letting my parents know that I learn things fast isn't a good thing. Once they realize I can do something by myself, they will never again help me with it. And they will never again do it for themselves. They wave their arms about, pretend to be in distress, and order me to come do it. And if I don't, they sulk, and then a week later, the thing 'magically' is done.

Oh please.

Even when I was a kid. My mum always tied my hair for me. It was kind of a mother-daughter thing every morning, where she combs my hair so lovingly, and then ties it neatly into a ponytail. I love those moments. I thought she enjoyed doing a something so simple for her daughter.

But then one day, I just had to play with my hair and managed to tie it up into a ponytail. From then onwards, she stopped helping me tie my hair. She got frustrated whenever I asked her. And eventually, she even could tell me that she didn't know how to tie people's hair.

Seriously?!

Haihz. So people who think I am pampered, sheltered, and loved like a princess... Think again! This is the kind of thing I have to face. Parents are too lazy to do things for me, or favours. And since young, I've always kept track of favours from and to others... because for this simple reason. I am too used to nobody doing things for me, and in order not to be taken advantaged of, I keep tabs.

it's 10:35 PM now on Wednesday, June 13, 2012



Waiting in the dark.
These two weeks are going to be busy as hell. Have too many meetings. And too much to do within 14 days.

Yet today, I'm going to write a little about my feelings. Sorry if it sounds really emo or whatever, but it's really late at night and my pondering mode is on right now. It's at night when everything I've seen for the past almost 21 years fly past my mind, and I get reminded of everything. Yes, everything I remember. Don't you get these moments?

I admit that going to camp without a boyfriend is really carefree because I don't have to worry about someone, I don't have to worry about being perfect for someone, I could just totally let my hair down and do crazy things because I know nobody is keeping an eye on me. Even when playing games, I heck care about getting hurt or what because after all the only person taking care of me is me! If I get hurt then get hurt lor. I take care of myself.

And sometimes when I walk home alone, or walk anywhere alone, I think about how much I've grown or changed as a person since so long ago. I know that my self-esteem has went up very much since a long time ago. Last time, I'd admit I wasn't the prettiest thing to look at. But now I can confidently say that I am a decent person appearance-wise. My thoughts have become more mature, that's for sure. I'm improving my skills in social observation.

Most people say I'm a great person, a helpful person. And closer friends tell me that I am too good a person and I care too much. Which is true. I am too aware of others' feelings for my own good. When I get involved in helping them past a tough spot, they get used to it. And there will come a point where my personal welfare is in conflict with what the other person wants from me. I admit I'm a really soft person most of the time. Especially when it comes to feelings. Which is why I get hurt so easily.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore!

As I am slowly getting my guards up again, I start to feel the loneliness that starts to creep in. I start to feel the stress of having to take care of myself physically and emotionally. Resetting my mind to become independent yet again and to convince myself there will not be anyone. And thus I begin my wait.

Waiting for the day someone is brave enough to break through these defenses. Someone who will touch me with their genuine care, and bring my warmth with their hugs. Someone who will come in, and tell me that they'll stay, and that I will be his life. Someone whom I can trust with my defenseless self. Someone who I know won't go away, someone who will not hurt me in my weakest moments.

And I shall begin my long, and lonely wait.

it's 2:22 AM now on Sunday, June 10, 2012



Mean?
I have just finished SCamp prep camp! Throughout the short 3 days, I believe that I have formed really good bonds with my OG, and lamed them out enough for them to dare to bully me during the actual camp... That's gonna be fun! If you're in a camp and people don't sabo you, I don't think it's having max fun.

So glad to see my Moltres freshies agian! Some are in SCamp Committee, while others joined as seniors. Even though they were separated and dispersed this SCamp, could still feel them by me. (: Very pleasant, very powerful feeling. May Moltres live on strong and healthy!

Hmm, so even though I didn't know my OG people at all initially, I think we've come far through the very limited meetings we have. -nods-

Very tired after all those games. The weather throughout the prep was threatening, but even though it did drizzle a little... Mr. Sky decided to hold in his rainypee longer, till night when everybody was sleeping. The clouds also came during Sentosa, and the weather wasn't excessively hot.

The showers at Sentosa are really sad though. The water doesn't come out well and it felt like more of a sprinkle than anything.

Anyway these few days have given me much to think about. Would like to thank my friends who sat through a terribly long and dramatic story of mine. And thank you for all your encouragement. Now it feels like it's not only me who is fighting for my welfare, but that there are others who support me in it too, and believe that I should be.

I always thought things and problems can always find solution that compromises both sides. And to be honest, I still do. But at one point, I just get too sick of giving up part of me to people who don't even need it. Wants and needs are different, mostly. You may want something but you do not need it, or you may need something but you don't want it.

But how many people have told me that at the end of the day I would have to live with myself, and how many have told me that I shouldn't be annoyed at things that don't have to be annoying. Somewhere in that, I start thinking that yes, my welfare is really important.

If I didn't get what I want, then I have to live with it, right? But since I already am upset about that, then why should I upset myself further with things that are annoying? Close my eyes, close my ears, and just listen to myself. Easiest, kind of.

When I find myself annoyed at something or someone, for now, I take the easy route out... Just seek for something else that can make me smile. I don't want to face the side where I am constantly being showed things that make me upset.

The point here, is to be happy.



it's 2:01 AM now on Friday, June 8, 2012



Touched.
I haven't been blogging much. Mostly because I don't really know what to write. Yau got sick of reading sad posts and requested me to start writing about happy things instead. On account of our long friendship, I try.

So today, I'm going to try to write something in the very least neutral.

Camp is starting soon and I'm getting excited! Although like, I don't know the people from my group much but I'm sure we'll get along well. Time to try a little more interaction than to keep to myself.

Become less socially awkward, and try to warm up to new people more.

Like I took a cab home one night, and it was sort of quiet until the uncle drove past a row of eateries and asked if I knew if there was anything nice along the roads. At first I just said that I don't really know. But I took additional courage to continue conversation with the uncle, saying that I do know of some food places up ahead there which always has long queue. We ended up chatting a bit about the price of punggol nasi lemak, and nasi lemaks all over singapore, and then the health issues associated with eating too much suppers.

People, are not so scary to talk to after all.

With the same attitude, I shall give myself a chance during this camp. I honestly don't mind being targetted by angry freshies to be dunked and whatnot. And to be teased at, haha, it's really fine. At least I know I'll be totally immersed in the group!

I'm glad I'm in the red house. Coz for last year I was in red house for both camps, so I don't actually have to buy new clothes of a new colour. Not to mention the really friendly people in red house! Here's to hoping we rock the SCamp!

I'm making progress with Through the Kaleidoscope on the piano!
I've realized how once again that music is a form of food for the soul. Even though I'm the person sweating and concentrating trying to play the music on the piano, my ears still listen and before I know it, I find my music calming my own spirit.

And then it stops abruptly, because I haven't finished the entire song yet HAHA.

Also, the loudness of the music drowns out all the voices in my head. And makes it unable to think about anything else other than the music. (I think about a lot of things.)

Laughter.

I think I've gotten a lot these few days.

Having OG lunch and chatchat, I laughed till my abs hurt.
Went to youtube and watched kpop parodies, laughed again.
Watched the recent running man, laughed again, non-stop.

And then there were friends.

Friends who heard me out and gave me advice. When that happens I feel really protected and loved. Instead of me being the one who helps others, they're the ones helping me back! I mean, well, somethings can't be solved. But what mattered to them was me... Whatever they told me, they put me first. My feelings, my welfare, and the things I deserved.

So we sat in a small group and chatted for about 3 to 4 hours.

Best 3 to 4 hours ever.

;_; Touched.

it's 1:29 AM now on Sunday, June 3, 2012



talk


hello,
Cassandra Kiara Ng
19, Female
Likes
*kitties and Bunnies
*Magical powers
*Nice people
*Flowers and love
*Vlogging
Wishes
*Sony Bloggie
*Medicine
*A nice partner
*A better life


Leaderboards
  • Kwan, Angela E.
  • Tan, Jun Yup J.
  • Lee, Theodore
  • Chua, Cheryl
  • Cassiedra
  • Irsyad
  • Fong, Wei Cheng
  • Blogger

    archives
    November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 October 2012 December 2012 February 2013 January 2014

    resources
    X X X X
    slayerette