15 Minutes to post this
Alright, I only have 15 minutes to write this before I shut down my computer and go to sleep. Tomorrow will be quite a scary day since in the morning I'm going to look for the scariest prof/dr in DBS. Wish me luck. I should also be prepared to receive lots of negative comments.
Haihz.
Having one of those moments where I just feel like sitting by the road and do nothing but watch the world go by. The kind of feeling where you just don't know what else to do or say, and don't know what you are. It just doesn't feel right when things happen where you just wanted and needed something yet the other person isn't caring.
I wasn't even asking for anything major.
So I went to Malaysia for CNY again as usual this year... And along the long drive there to grandma's house, I've been thinking a lot and always end up finding some pattern in my life.
Priorities.
I realize that the people that matter the most to me, or rather, those who should be... Never have the equal amount of priority as I do for them. Men, especially.
1. I may be my Dad's daughter but he'd rather spend time with his sports than spending time with me. Somehow to him I'm just some wikipedia-in-person, and whenever he needs some help with technology, summon me to do it for him.
Not only that, when he refuses to help my mum with anything at home, my mum gets pissed with me instead and I end up having to do whatever he said he'll help mum with. Some of them including maintenance work which are supposed to be a men's job.
2. Him. 'nuff said. Try as I may, there will always be something or someone more important than I am exactly, right exactly, at where I plan to meet him.
Which leaves me distraught and disappointed today. To add on, I end up feeling like some tool to the world. Makes me wonder if people do remember my presence at times when they do not need me.
If they only remember me when they need me, or when they need my entertainment, it's a really sad life to live.
I wished, sometimes, that people will stop getting angry with me for the things I don't or can't do for them. Or don't sarcastically say 'forget it' or 'never mind' to me whenever I can't do something for them, as if I owe them something.
I wished that someone would always remember me. And would be glad to come spend some time with me and talk to me to know about me as a person, rather than a tool.
And in this situation, my current one at this moment, I wished that Leonard would come for our Science Club Reunion. Not just a 'try', but a 'sure I'll be there'.
Haihz.
Having one of those moments where I just feel like sitting by the road and do nothing but watch the world go by. The kind of feeling where you just don't know what else to do or say, and don't know what you are. It just doesn't feel right when things happen where you just wanted and needed something yet the other person isn't caring.
I wasn't even asking for anything major.
So I went to Malaysia for CNY again as usual this year... And along the long drive there to grandma's house, I've been thinking a lot and always end up finding some pattern in my life.
Priorities.
I realize that the people that matter the most to me, or rather, those who should be... Never have the equal amount of priority as I do for them. Men, especially.
1. I may be my Dad's daughter but he'd rather spend time with his sports than spending time with me. Somehow to him I'm just some wikipedia-in-person, and whenever he needs some help with technology, summon me to do it for him.
Not only that, when he refuses to help my mum with anything at home, my mum gets pissed with me instead and I end up having to do whatever he said he'll help mum with. Some of them including maintenance work which are supposed to be a men's job.
2. Him. 'nuff said. Try as I may, there will always be something or someone more important than I am exactly, right exactly, at where I plan to meet him.
Which leaves me distraught and disappointed today. To add on, I end up feeling like some tool to the world. Makes me wonder if people do remember my presence at times when they do not need me.
If they only remember me when they need me, or when they need my entertainment, it's a really sad life to live.
I wished, sometimes, that people will stop getting angry with me for the things I don't or can't do for them. Or don't sarcastically say 'forget it' or 'never mind' to me whenever I can't do something for them, as if I owe them something.
I wished that someone would always remember me. And would be glad to come spend some time with me and talk to me to know about me as a person, rather than a tool.
And in this situation, my current one at this moment, I wished that Leonard would come for our Science Club Reunion. Not just a 'try', but a 'sure I'll be there'.
愤怒 Anger.
My year hasn't been good so far, and I'm not even kidding. I haven't gotten all my modules yet and am lacking one module...But something far worse than that... My money was stolen.
After Primary 6, I promised myself that I would never again pay for the mistakes of others. Never did I know that almost 10 years later, it hit me twice as hard. It took me a full day to come to a full realization of what I found out on the first day of school, that almost $370 was stolen from me.
I just couldn't believe it, and I really wanted fate to be that the money was still around somewhere waiting for me to collect. I couldn't accept that it was stolen.
$370.
This can more than pay for one level of my Korean classes. That's 13 lessons.
This is worth more than half the amount I paid for my dog.
This can pay for two months of utility bills at home.
The work I did for two weeks during the vacation can't even make up for it.
I wonder who the heartless thief is.
I worked so hard and gave so much for it, and it failed to secure this money for me. That is worth more than half of whatever I can claim, and the rest is gone.
I don't know why people have no common sense not to do the silliest of things.
Why did you remove and displace my belongings without telling me so? You ALL knew I wasn't returning until school reopened, and I wouldn't know. If it really meant so much for you to move my things, at least have the decency and common sense to inform me! You took it out of it's concealed place, onto a place for all the see. The entire contents of what I have, all open and available to the mass public who enter.
Besides, whoever said you could move it? That place, was mine, labelled and verified. It was never meant to be displaced and open for all to see.
Yet at this stage, at this point of time, none of you have truly approached me and sincerely talked to me. You all acted like it was none of your business, none of your faults. You just wanted face, and covered it like it was no big deal.
Whatever happened to family.
I can say I'm truly shocked by what has happened. Not only was I not informed, nobody had the common sense to keep it safe when they placed it at a most dangerous position. In addition, it wasn't supposed to be moved in the first place. No words can describe my disappointment.
And now, I don't even have the face to tell my parents. I don't even know what to tell them. When not a single apology was uttered to me, I couldn't apologize to my parents. I couldn't face them and tell them that my money was stolen, when I did almost nothing to cause it. I can't apologize to them when there were so many others who caused all these never even felt bad about it.
It's really upsetting me.
After Primary 6, I promised myself that I would never again pay for the mistakes of others. Never did I know that almost 10 years later, it hit me twice as hard. It took me a full day to come to a full realization of what I found out on the first day of school, that almost $370 was stolen from me.
I just couldn't believe it, and I really wanted fate to be that the money was still around somewhere waiting for me to collect. I couldn't accept that it was stolen.
$370.
This can more than pay for one level of my Korean classes. That's 13 lessons.
This is worth more than half the amount I paid for my dog.
This can pay for two months of utility bills at home.
The work I did for two weeks during the vacation can't even make up for it.
I wonder who the heartless thief is.
I worked so hard and gave so much for it, and it failed to secure this money for me. That is worth more than half of whatever I can claim, and the rest is gone.
I don't know why people have no common sense not to do the silliest of things.
Why did you remove and displace my belongings without telling me so? You ALL knew I wasn't returning until school reopened, and I wouldn't know. If it really meant so much for you to move my things, at least have the decency and common sense to inform me! You took it out of it's concealed place, onto a place for all the see. The entire contents of what I have, all open and available to the mass public who enter.
Besides, whoever said you could move it? That place, was mine, labelled and verified. It was never meant to be displaced and open for all to see.
Yet at this stage, at this point of time, none of you have truly approached me and sincerely talked to me. You all acted like it was none of your business, none of your faults. You just wanted face, and covered it like it was no big deal.
Whatever happened to family.
I can say I'm truly shocked by what has happened. Not only was I not informed, nobody had the common sense to keep it safe when they placed it at a most dangerous position. In addition, it wasn't supposed to be moved in the first place. No words can describe my disappointment.
And now, I don't even have the face to tell my parents. I don't even know what to tell them. When not a single apology was uttered to me, I couldn't apologize to my parents. I couldn't face them and tell them that my money was stolen, when I did almost nothing to cause it. I can't apologize to them when there were so many others who caused all these never even felt bad about it.
It's really upsetting me.
2 more papers to go
Right now, feeling stressed out and frustrated.
This sem's exams have not been going well at all. Though this sem I really put myself to have fun and take interest in my learning, my grades have not shown or reflected that I have actually put in the effort.
Now, this is really sad because I just start feeling that my efforts have not paid off, and I felt that even though I did learn in many ways, not only through knowledge, but applications as well, that it's not very nice for an institution to put a number of the capacity of learning for an individual.
However, this is something that we cannot change. Grades are still grades, and they are still what people out there, employers, base on to judge us as a person. I wonder if my life will be screwed up just because my grades are not good. People around me are getting good grades and stuff, and seriously, seeing them sometimes does demoralize me.
I always wanted to be someone good, capable, and yea, basically, someone trustworthy for others. Too bad my grades cannot reflect that part of me.
One day, I want to create something from my own hands. After I'm done with my science degree, as much as possible, I will stay away from Science. Unless my job requires so, I will not pursue Science any further. I will, instead go on to discover what I can do beyond turning myself into a knowledge bank about life science/biology.
Looking back on the things I learn in school, I don't see how what I learn in Science, the academic material at face value, applies to my life in the future. I am definitely not going to need to know how my cells bring nutrients in, or how to spell the name of a certain type of enzyme.
It just isn't practical at all.
Skills and things that I find essential to pick up are the soft skills. In addition, things that actually apply to real practical life. Like how to cook, how to perform, how to create. When I cook, I can feed hungry mouths. I can let people feel happy if I do it well. When I perform, sing or dance or instruments, I bring entertainment and smiles to others. When I create, I can make something that others can share and take joy in.
It is often hard to be impressed by people who can tattle on and on about enzymes and receptors.
Therefore, I know that, I will not want to be a Science worker... eventually.
I am going to live my dreams.
This sem's exams have not been going well at all. Though this sem I really put myself to have fun and take interest in my learning, my grades have not shown or reflected that I have actually put in the effort.
Now, this is really sad because I just start feeling that my efforts have not paid off, and I felt that even though I did learn in many ways, not only through knowledge, but applications as well, that it's not very nice for an institution to put a number of the capacity of learning for an individual.
However, this is something that we cannot change. Grades are still grades, and they are still what people out there, employers, base on to judge us as a person. I wonder if my life will be screwed up just because my grades are not good. People around me are getting good grades and stuff, and seriously, seeing them sometimes does demoralize me.
I always wanted to be someone good, capable, and yea, basically, someone trustworthy for others. Too bad my grades cannot reflect that part of me.
One day, I want to create something from my own hands. After I'm done with my science degree, as much as possible, I will stay away from Science. Unless my job requires so, I will not pursue Science any further. I will, instead go on to discover what I can do beyond turning myself into a knowledge bank about life science/biology.
Looking back on the things I learn in school, I don't see how what I learn in Science, the academic material at face value, applies to my life in the future. I am definitely not going to need to know how my cells bring nutrients in, or how to spell the name of a certain type of enzyme.
It just isn't practical at all.
Skills and things that I find essential to pick up are the soft skills. In addition, things that actually apply to real practical life. Like how to cook, how to perform, how to create. When I cook, I can feed hungry mouths. I can let people feel happy if I do it well. When I perform, sing or dance or instruments, I bring entertainment and smiles to others. When I create, I can make something that others can share and take joy in.
It is often hard to be impressed by people who can tattle on and on about enzymes and receptors.
Therefore, I know that, I will not want to be a Science worker... eventually.
I am going to live my dreams.
Urm...
Okay, first of all, I really don't know what to be posting, but I just felt like posting something on my blog. Seasoned readers or really good friends of mine would understand how I feel if I had such a moment. Not good, is a simple way of putting it.
Over the years, although my blog is public, I still see it as a little haven that doesn't exist physically, and that it has also become a piece of me where I dump a lot of the stresses in life over here. And that probably is why posts about happy things are really rare here.
I didn't start this blog to show the world who I am, or to tell the Internet how amazing and fantastic my life is. When I made this blog, I made it for myself and told myself that nobody is going to take it away from me. The nature of blogging has always been to show something off, but I mean, there's many ways to look at it.
At times, I say that if it hurts your eyes or your brain, then don't read it. And it does contradict the nature of blogging and having some property/space online where everything is visible, but then the reader has a choice. The reader, that is, you, always has a choice to read it or not.
By posting a disclaimer from the very start, I am telling you that what I post on here might not to be your taste and that if you feel like you would be compromised then, it's best if you don't read.
OR if I think it'll upset you if you read, then I have given you ample warning.
The reader chose to go ahead and I have done what I could.
So urm, as usual, things aren't really going too well. I especially dislike how things always don't go well during times when I need them to. Like now, when I have exams to worry about.
But it's all like, shit happens, right? And then it'll suck right? But having shit happening at all the wrong times just makes it all the more terrible to deal with.
It's becoming all about forgetting, and making excuses. Over the years I've gone strong enough to know that running away is never a solution. Even if one wants to run away, they should be doing so for a very good reason, and will be fully ready to. The strong soul faces problems, solve them, and is determined.
And that is who I am today, to be brave enough to stand my ground in the face of troubled times, to do my best to resolve things.
A strong soul, is beautiful.
Nothing about it is ugly - at all.
Over the years, although my blog is public, I still see it as a little haven that doesn't exist physically, and that it has also become a piece of me where I dump a lot of the stresses in life over here. And that probably is why posts about happy things are really rare here.
I didn't start this blog to show the world who I am, or to tell the Internet how amazing and fantastic my life is. When I made this blog, I made it for myself and told myself that nobody is going to take it away from me. The nature of blogging has always been to show something off, but I mean, there's many ways to look at it.
At times, I say that if it hurts your eyes or your brain, then don't read it. And it does contradict the nature of blogging and having some property/space online where everything is visible, but then the reader has a choice. The reader, that is, you, always has a choice to read it or not.
By posting a disclaimer from the very start, I am telling you that what I post on here might not to be your taste and that if you feel like you would be compromised then, it's best if you don't read.
OR if I think it'll upset you if you read, then I have given you ample warning.
The reader chose to go ahead and I have done what I could.
So urm, as usual, things aren't really going too well. I especially dislike how things always don't go well during times when I need them to. Like now, when I have exams to worry about.
But it's all like, shit happens, right? And then it'll suck right? But having shit happening at all the wrong times just makes it all the more terrible to deal with.
It's becoming all about forgetting, and making excuses. Over the years I've gone strong enough to know that running away is never a solution. Even if one wants to run away, they should be doing so for a very good reason, and will be fully ready to. The strong soul faces problems, solve them, and is determined.
And that is who I am today, to be brave enough to stand my ground in the face of troubled times, to do my best to resolve things.
A strong soul, is beautiful.
Nothing about it is ugly - at all.
Exams
Huhuhu~
It's that time of the semester again... A year ago, it was all really enjoyable.
As a first year, taking Uni exams for the very first time. But at that time, honestly, I couldn't get my head in the game academically. So my CAP suffered a lot.
But also, reading week was a memorable one. And during this period, I think back to a year ago at times. Often I wished things could be the same as they were a year before.
Like, having the 31st around me. The numerous stayovers in the clubroom with the people. Studying till late in the clubroom. Watching Fringe with Leonard.
Stuff like that, yeah.
Except that things aren't the same now.
Even though I do accept that things change, I still wished I had another chance to relive the 31st life.
I wished we were all still together, being happy together, unlike now where everyone is mostly scattered around. People who never return to the clubroom anymore, people who changed faculties, person who left the school entirely.
And people... change. Some even more so than others.
At times I wonder if everything was my fault. And if I were to take the blames, if everything would be better?
Things.
Only if.
And trust.
After all these, I wonder if I should just stop trusting others. It's taken quite a bit of effort and time for me to open up to the way I am now. Yet trust gets betrayed again and again.
I used to say to myself once, determined, that I will always trust others because by doing so it gives them confidence to do their very best. It gives others someone who believes in them, and I felt that it would be natural for them to treat me as a friend they'd protect.
After all, I don't know if I can do the same again.
But I have come a long way. I did gain self-confidence, and that to me is already an achievement.
It's that time of the semester again... A year ago, it was all really enjoyable.
As a first year, taking Uni exams for the very first time. But at that time, honestly, I couldn't get my head in the game academically. So my CAP suffered a lot.
But also, reading week was a memorable one. And during this period, I think back to a year ago at times. Often I wished things could be the same as they were a year before.
Like, having the 31st around me. The numerous stayovers in the clubroom with the people. Studying till late in the clubroom. Watching Fringe with Leonard.
Stuff like that, yeah.
Except that things aren't the same now.
Even though I do accept that things change, I still wished I had another chance to relive the 31st life.
I wished we were all still together, being happy together, unlike now where everyone is mostly scattered around. People who never return to the clubroom anymore, people who changed faculties, person who left the school entirely.
And people... change. Some even more so than others.
At times I wonder if everything was my fault. And if I were to take the blames, if everything would be better?
Things.
Only if.
And trust.
After all these, I wonder if I should just stop trusting others. It's taken quite a bit of effort and time for me to open up to the way I am now. Yet trust gets betrayed again and again.
I used to say to myself once, determined, that I will always trust others because by doing so it gives them confidence to do their very best. It gives others someone who believes in them, and I felt that it would be natural for them to treat me as a friend they'd protect.
After all, I don't know if I can do the same again.
But I have come a long way. I did gain self-confidence, and that to me is already an achievement.
Technology, really.
This is my 3rd semester in NUS. And there are generally, two types of modules that I've taken so far. Arts and Sciences.
Sciences being my core because I am from that faculty, majoring in Life Sciences. To be honest, my CAP isn't very awesome. In fact, my lousiest grade came from a Chemistry mod that was part of my core modules. Yea, I totally regretted that grade but I can't do anything about it and it probably ruined any chance of my going for exchange programmes.
The modules that I have truly enjoyed, in fact, are not Science modules, but Arts modules. Maybe because I have the option of S/U-ing the module and thus isn't as stressed about them, or maybe because I don't take as many Arts modules as I do for Science... But one thing is for sure, Arts modules never fail to get me to THINK.
And that is the important point of education. To THINK, reflect, and really look at things from other perspectives.
One recent module I am taking (and am probably scoring really badly for it anyway...) is the exposure module for the Communications and New Media (CNM) track. It talks about technology, and new media. And also has a portion that got us to think about the implications of such technology.
We all say that technology improves our way of life. Yes, that might be true. Telephones, cellphones, now smartphones... They improve our life because now we get to stay connected, be contactable, and can even access the internet from a device. Overseas calls make communications easy, and now even with Internet and VoIP technology, it is fast, convenient and cheap.
However, is this connectivity really improving our lives?
Now, I look at my phone, and wished that I didn't have it. I wished that I didn't have to be woken up by the tone of SMS or a call. I wished I didn't have to reply text messages, emails, and stuff as and when it arrives. Yet, because I have a text message on my phone, I am socially obliged to read it and give a reply because there is no option of rejecting the message!
As such, I feel technology may very well be ruining my quality of life as well. Convenience is definitely there, but what it does is permanently chain me to work, even during off-duty moments.
Of course, there is always the option of switching off the phone. Simple. But that is, in a way, abandoning the piece of technology. It does, however, still makes you liable for any messages missed, and to face the consequences in the case something bad goes wrong while you isolate yourself from the phone.
Sigh.
Technology, really? Are you here to help?
Of course, there is always the option of switching off the phone. Simple. But that is, in a way, abandoning the piece of technology. It does, however, still makes you liable for any messages missed, and to face the consequences in the case something bad goes wrong while you isolate yourself from the phone.
Sigh.
Technology, really? Are you here to help?
Liminality
Didn't really want to post stuff here because someone reads it and is judging me based on my blog... It's kinda sad, coz my blog is the only avenue I can post stuff about how I really feel deep inside and a way for me to relieve some of my saddest thoughts.
Having this avenue taken away, or being labelled as a liability is such a sad thing. It makes me even sadder.
But nonetheless, still my blog. I will include a disclaimer then: Everything typed in the post from this point onwards is not to be used for judgement of the original blogger and author. Should you read on from this point onwards, you are taken to have accepted the above terms and in no way are you allowed to use any material on this post to judge the author.
These few weeks have been terrible. Argh.
School started, and the only weekend I had to rest was the weekend that just passed. And now, it's already recess week and I have 3 midterms spanned through 2 days once school starts again.
I have thus been very stressed ever since, and to add on to that, Someone has been making things difficult for me. I've been trying so damn hard to get it back and he just simply refuses. Not only that, I have been requested to do several things in exchange for... a lot less than what I originally had.
I can't even believe it, all because of one stupid event. My life turned upside down.
The only person who can put it back in place isn't wanting to do so, and I spend my days upset, sobful. While he walks around like a dignified prince.
I also just realized that I cannot think about things that make me happy because he says so. I can't think about how perfect my life was, because he says so. What was supposed to be a relaxing chill on the PGP square blocks (where I love to be at when I look at stars), turned out to be one which made me shed tears, got really sad, and walked up to my room with puffy eyes.
I can't even be happy in my own right when he fails to NOT make me cry. Sigh.
And to be honest, my life sucks, no matter how you look at it. Yes, I am very fortunate to be in good health, study in a uni, and stay in a good hostel room. But this aren't the things that can hurt someone, it's what hurts from within.
It hurts when you know you are SO lucky to have met two guys consecutively, whom I had loved very much, who fail to appreciate me for who I am. For judging me based on my looks. What my body is or made up of. I just don't comprehend how my luck can be so bad.
And I spent so much time and effort on it to boot.
And some selfishness kick in and ruins everything for me.
The perfect birthday I envisioned, the one where everything in life falls in place and there is that security factor. GONE. With one person's selfishness.
I always wanted a birthday like that and I was that close to getting it. Until that stupid stupid day.
Don't understand why fate has to make me walk an entire circle just for me to end up where I was. I bet that bitch is laughing at me right now.
I just want to walk ONCE, and be done. I don't need to walk a smoother path or what, I just want one.
That stupid fate.
Why can't I just have a life where people can appreciate me for who I am. Why?
With the amount of good things I've ever done, I deserve good karma. So why?
Why can't the person I love, just love me back for who I am forgod'ssake. WHY?
Haihz. For now, life sucks back again. And in fact, it sucks so much more now.
Having this avenue taken away, or being labelled as a liability is such a sad thing. It makes me even sadder.
But nonetheless, still my blog. I will include a disclaimer then: Everything typed in the post from this point onwards is not to be used for judgement of the original blogger and author. Should you read on from this point onwards, you are taken to have accepted the above terms and in no way are you allowed to use any material on this post to judge the author.
These few weeks have been terrible. Argh.
School started, and the only weekend I had to rest was the weekend that just passed. And now, it's already recess week and I have 3 midterms spanned through 2 days once school starts again.
I have thus been very stressed ever since, and to add on to that, Someone has been making things difficult for me. I've been trying so damn hard to get it back and he just simply refuses. Not only that, I have been requested to do several things in exchange for... a lot less than what I originally had.
I can't even believe it, all because of one stupid event. My life turned upside down.
The only person who can put it back in place isn't wanting to do so, and I spend my days upset, sobful. While he walks around like a dignified prince.
I also just realized that I cannot think about things that make me happy because he says so. I can't think about how perfect my life was, because he says so. What was supposed to be a relaxing chill on the PGP square blocks (where I love to be at when I look at stars), turned out to be one which made me shed tears, got really sad, and walked up to my room with puffy eyes.
I can't even be happy in my own right when he fails to NOT make me cry. Sigh.
And to be honest, my life sucks, no matter how you look at it. Yes, I am very fortunate to be in good health, study in a uni, and stay in a good hostel room. But this aren't the things that can hurt someone, it's what hurts from within.
It hurts when you know you are SO lucky to have met two guys consecutively, whom I had loved very much, who fail to appreciate me for who I am. For judging me based on my looks. What my body is or made up of. I just don't comprehend how my luck can be so bad.
And I spent so much time and effort on it to boot.
And some selfishness kick in and ruins everything for me.
The perfect birthday I envisioned, the one where everything in life falls in place and there is that security factor. GONE. With one person's selfishness.
I always wanted a birthday like that and I was that close to getting it. Until that stupid stupid day.
Don't understand why fate has to make me walk an entire circle just for me to end up where I was. I bet that bitch is laughing at me right now.
I just want to walk ONCE, and be done. I don't need to walk a smoother path or what, I just want one.
That stupid fate.
Why can't I just have a life where people can appreciate me for who I am. Why?
With the amount of good things I've ever done, I deserve good karma. So why?
Why can't the person I love, just love me back for who I am forgod'ssake. WHY?
Haihz. For now, life sucks back again. And in fact, it sucks so much more now.
If water flows through the gaps in my fingers...
I would still do whatever I can to keep it in my hands. To quench the fire burning within me.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
Save my birthday!
Today, or for the past two weeks, I found out that my birthday was ruined. FML.
Been reading FMLs these few days to lighten up a bit and to see that I wasn't the only one whose life is filled with misfortunate events. It did serve its purpose and made me smile so yea, good good (:
Well, I know I always say that things are unfair and such but okay, this is really unfair. -,- I gave him a series of celebrations during his birthday and in return, I get messages from him since the past two weeks that he can't wait to leave me.
OH. OH. OH. How great a 'present' this is!!
._. I realised I'm painting him in a bad light.
Sorreh.
But it can't beat this feeling I've got here with an impending screwed up birthday. Haihx.
You know I'm gonna be hurt again the same way I was last time... The thought of it really makes me sick. And determined to prevent it from occurring. And it's why I am not going to give up.
In general, I still can't understand why some people are just such irritating people, to put it in a nice way. Like, how could anyone just decide to leave and leave just like that? Without any consideration whatsoever, without any qualms that they could've hurt someone or ruined their lives, after spending such an amount of time and dedication into it?
Last year's birthday, I spent it upset at not being able to join SCMC. And wished for a better birthday next year. Well, guess what, it's so much more worse now.
Only if I could solve this shit and go back to the way we were.
Would be really appreciative if my live doesn't screw up anymore. Sigh.
In any case, I am still trying to be positive and optimistic. So I am being confident that my upsetedness now is temporary and I will be able to resolve it and go back to the way I like it to be. No matter what, it's gonna be something I will do until it gets solved. Nobody, not even HIM is going to stop me.
I will freaking show you that you're WRONG now and you will regret your thinking next time because I will solve it no matter what you say.
This week supposed to be a happy one that will accumulate and make my birthday a great one. Not anymore.
Been reading FMLs these few days to lighten up a bit and to see that I wasn't the only one whose life is filled with misfortunate events. It did serve its purpose and made me smile so yea, good good (:
Well, I know I always say that things are unfair and such but okay, this is really unfair. -,- I gave him a series of celebrations during his birthday and in return, I get messages from him since the past two weeks that he can't wait to leave me.
OH. OH. OH. How great a 'present' this is!!
._. I realised I'm painting him in a bad light.
Sorreh.
But it can't beat this feeling I've got here with an impending screwed up birthday. Haihx.
You know I'm gonna be hurt again the same way I was last time... The thought of it really makes me sick. And determined to prevent it from occurring. And it's why I am not going to give up.
In general, I still can't understand why some people are just such irritating people, to put it in a nice way. Like, how could anyone just decide to leave and leave just like that? Without any consideration whatsoever, without any qualms that they could've hurt someone or ruined their lives, after spending such an amount of time and dedication into it?
Last year's birthday, I spent it upset at not being able to join SCMC. And wished for a better birthday next year. Well, guess what, it's so much more worse now.
Only if I could solve this shit and go back to the way we were.
Would be really appreciative if my live doesn't screw up anymore. Sigh.
In any case, I am still trying to be positive and optimistic. So I am being confident that my upsetedness now is temporary and I will be able to resolve it and go back to the way I like it to be. No matter what, it's gonna be something I will do until it gets solved. Nobody, not even HIM is going to stop me.
I will freaking show you that you're WRONG now and you will regret your thinking next time because I will solve it no matter what you say.
This week supposed to be a happy one that will accumulate and make my birthday a great one. Not anymore.
Why is there so much to do?
Today is Science Day at school! The response was not bad, the donuts sold well! A lot of people were there to help at the booth so it was quite cool (: Well done to the planning committee, after so long, it's finally over and successful! Truly a job well done.
I also went to watch a concert at UCC today, Souvenirs. This is for my SoM module and I have to write a report on it regarding the Science behind the music, technologies and such.
As a result, I returned quite late.
Kinda tired now. Yet another day past without resolving anything. How I wished it was simple, you know, where we don't have to go through this notion. Don't have to worry daily about convincing you. Man, just wished it was settled and resolved. The way I want it.
Next Monday we gotta present out project proposal for Ecology. The thing is that it is really difficult to even come up with a topic. And our groupmates just can't find a common enough time for discussion.
Not forgetting, a half-day Ubin trip on Saturday. Argh. So busy >.<
But I'm still the me. Everyday hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out great. Although inside got a lot of frustrations but trying to slowly let it leak out of me through un-toxic means.
Jiayou ba, Cass... Everything will be fine. Keep smiling! (:
I also went to watch a concert at UCC today, Souvenirs. This is for my SoM module and I have to write a report on it regarding the Science behind the music, technologies and such.
As a result, I returned quite late.
Kinda tired now. Yet another day past without resolving anything. How I wished it was simple, you know, where we don't have to go through this notion. Don't have to worry daily about convincing you. Man, just wished it was settled and resolved. The way I want it.
Next Monday we gotta present out project proposal for Ecology. The thing is that it is really difficult to even come up with a topic. And our groupmates just can't find a common enough time for discussion.
Not forgetting, a half-day Ubin trip on Saturday. Argh. So busy >.<
But I'm still the me. Everyday hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out great. Although inside got a lot of frustrations but trying to slowly let it leak out of me through un-toxic means.
Jiayou ba, Cass... Everything will be fine. Keep smiling! (: