My own story

15 Minutes to post this

2012-01-26T01:30:00.001+08:00

Alright, I only have 15 minutes to write this before I shut down my computer and go to sleep. Tomorrow will be quite a scary day since in the morning I'm going to look for the scariest prof/dr in DBS. Wish me luck. I should also be prepared to receive lots of negative comments.

Haihz.

Having one of those moments where I just feel like sitting by the road and do nothing but watch the world go by. The kind of feeling where you just don't know what else to do or say, and don't know what you are. It just doesn't feel right when things happen where you just wanted and needed something yet the other person isn't caring.

I wasn't even asking for anything major.

So I went to Malaysia for CNY again as usual this year... And along the long drive there to grandma's house, I've been thinking a lot and always end up finding some pattern in my life.
Priorities.

I realize that the people that matter the most to me, or rather, those who should be... Never have the equal amount of priority as I do for them. Men, especially.

1. I may be my Dad's daughter but he'd rather spend time with his sports than spending time with me. Somehow to him I'm just some wikipedia-in-person, and whenever he needs some help with technology, summon me to do it for him.
Not only that, when he refuses to help my mum with anything at home, my mum gets pissed with me instead and I end up having to do whatever he said he'll help mum with. Some of them including maintenance work which are supposed to be a men's job.

2. Him. 'nuff said. Try as I may, there will always be something or someone more important than I am exactly, right exactly, at where I plan to meet him.

Which leaves me distraught and disappointed today. To add on, I end up feeling like some tool to the world. Makes me wonder if people do remember my presence at times when they do not need me.
If they only remember me when they need me, or when they need my entertainment, it's a really sad life to live.

I wished, sometimes, that people will stop getting angry with me for the things I don't or can't do for them. Or don't sarcastically say 'forget it' or 'never mind' to me whenever I can't do something for them, as if I owe them something.

I wished that someone would always remember me. And would be glad to come spend some time with me and talk to me to know about me as a person, rather than a tool.

And in this situation, my current one at this moment, I wished that Leonard would come for our Science Club Reunion. Not just a 'try', but a 'sure I'll be there'.

愤怒 Anger.

2012-01-12T01:24:00.000+08:00

My year hasn't been good so far, and I'm not even kidding. I haven't gotten all my modules yet and am lacking one module...But something far worse than that... My money was stolen.

After Primary 6, I promised myself that I would never again pay for the mistakes of others. Never did I know that almost 10 years later, it hit me twice as hard. It took me a full day to come to a full realization of what I found out on the first day of school, that almost $370 was stolen from me.

I just couldn't believe it, and I really wanted fate to be that the money was still around somewhere waiting for me to collect. I couldn't accept that it was stolen.

$370.
This can more than pay for one level of my Korean classes. That's 13 lessons.
This is worth more than half the amount I paid for my dog.
This can pay for two months of utility bills at home.
The work I did for two weeks during the vacation can't even make up for it.

I wonder who the heartless thief is.

I worked so hard and gave so much for it, and it failed to secure this money for me. That is worth more than half of whatever I can claim, and the rest is gone.

I don't know why people have no common sense not to do the silliest of things.

Why did you remove and displace my belongings without telling me so? You ALL knew I wasn't returning until school reopened, and I wouldn't know. If it really meant so much for you to move my things, at least have the decency and common sense to inform me! You took it out of it's concealed place, onto a place for all the see. The entire contents of what I have, all open and available to the mass public who enter.

Besides, whoever said you could move it? That place, was mine, labelled and verified. It was never meant to be displaced and open for all to see.

Yet at this stage, at this point of time, none of you have truly approached me and sincerely talked to me. You all acted like it was none of your business, none of your faults. You just wanted face, and covered it like it was no big deal.

Whatever happened to family.

I can say I'm truly shocked by what has happened. Not only was I not informed, nobody had the common sense to keep it safe when they placed it at a most dangerous position. In addition, it wasn't supposed to be moved in the first place. No words can describe my disappointment.

And now, I don't even have the face to tell my parents. I don't even know what to tell them. When not a single apology was uttered to me, I couldn't apologize to my parents. I couldn't face them and tell them that my money was stolen, when I did almost nothing to cause it. I can't apologize to them when there were so many others who caused all these never even felt bad about it.

It's really upsetting me.

2 more papers to go

2011-11-24T22:51:00.001+08:00

Right now, feeling stressed out and frustrated.

This sem's exams have not been going well at all. Though this sem I really put myself to have fun and take interest in my learning, my grades have not shown or reflected that I have actually put in the effort.
Now, this is really sad because I just start feeling that my efforts have not paid off, and I felt that even though I did learn in many ways, not only through knowledge, but applications as well, that it's not very nice for an institution to put a number of the capacity of learning for an individual.

However, this is something that we cannot change. Grades are still grades, and they are still what people out there, employers, base on to judge us as a person. I wonder if my life will be screwed up just because my grades are not good. People around me are getting good grades and stuff, and seriously, seeing them sometimes does demoralize me.

I always wanted to be someone good, capable, and yea, basically, someone trustworthy for others. Too bad my grades cannot reflect that part of me.

One day, I want to create something from my own hands. After I'm done with my science degree, as much as possible, I will stay away from Science. Unless my job requires so, I will not pursue Science any further. I will, instead go on to discover what I can do beyond turning myself into a knowledge bank about life science/biology.

Looking back on the things I learn in school, I don't see how what I learn in Science, the academic material at face value, applies to my life in the future. I am definitely not going to need to know how my cells bring nutrients in, or how to spell the name of a certain type of enzyme.

It just isn't practical at all.

Skills and things that I find essential to pick up are the soft skills. In addition, things that actually apply to real practical life. Like how to cook, how to perform, how to create. When I cook, I can feed hungry mouths. I can let people feel happy if I do it well. When I perform, sing or dance or instruments, I bring entertainment and smiles to others. When I create, I can make something that others can share and take joy in.

It is often hard to be impressed by people who can tattle on and on about enzymes and receptors.

Therefore, I know that, I will not want to be a Science worker... eventually.

I am going to live my dreams.

Urm...

2011-11-21T13:02:00.001+08:00

Okay, first of all, I really don't know what to be posting, but I just felt like posting something on my blog. Seasoned readers or really good friends of mine would understand how I feel if I had such a moment. Not good, is a simple way of putting it.

Over the years, although my blog is public, I still see it as a little haven that doesn't exist physically, and that it has also become a piece of me where I dump a lot of the stresses in life over here. And that probably is why posts about happy things are really rare here.

I didn't start this blog to show the world who I am, or to tell the Internet how amazing and fantastic my life is. When I made this blog, I made it for myself and told myself that nobody is going to take it away from me. The nature of blogging has always been to show something off, but I mean, there's many ways to look at it.

At times, I say that if it hurts your eyes or your brain, then don't read it. And it does contradict the nature of blogging and having some property/space online where everything is visible, but then the reader has a choice. The reader, that is, you, always has a choice to read it or not.

By posting a disclaimer from the very start, I am telling you that what I post on here might not to be your taste and that if you feel like you would be compromised then, it's best if you don't read.
OR if I think it'll upset you if you read, then I have given you ample warning.
The reader chose to go ahead and I have done what I could.

So urm, as usual, things aren't really going too well. I especially dislike how things always don't go well during times when I need them to. Like now, when I have exams to worry about.

But it's all like, shit happens, right? And then it'll suck right? But having shit happening at all the wrong times just makes it all the more terrible to deal with.

It's becoming all about forgetting, and making excuses. Over the years I've gone strong enough to know that running away is never a solution. Even if one wants to run away, they should be doing so for a very good reason, and will be fully ready to. The strong soul faces problems, solve them, and is determined.

And that is who I am today, to be brave enough to stand my ground in the face of troubled times, to do my best to resolve things.

A strong soul, is beautiful.
Nothing about it is ugly - at all.

Exams

2011-11-21T00:46:00.001+08:00

Huhuhu~

It's that time of the semester again... A year ago, it was all really enjoyable.
As a first year, taking Uni exams for the very first time. But at that time, honestly, I couldn't get my head in the game academically. So my CAP suffered a lot.

But also, reading week was a memorable one. And during this period, I think back to a year ago at times. Often I wished things could be the same as they were a year before.

Like, having the 31st around me. The numerous stayovers in the clubroom with the people. Studying till late in the clubroom. Watching Fringe with Leonard.
Stuff like that, yeah.

Except that things aren't the same now.
Even though I do accept that things change, I still wished I had another chance to relive the 31st life.

I wished we were all still together, being happy together, unlike now where everyone is mostly scattered around. People who never return to the clubroom anymore, people who changed faculties, person who left the school entirely.

And people... change. Some even more so than others.

At times I wonder if everything was my fault. And if I were to take the blames, if everything would be better?

Things.
Only if.

And trust.
After all these, I wonder if I should just stop trusting others. It's taken quite a bit of effort and time for me to open up to the way I am now. Yet trust gets betrayed again and again.
I used to say to myself once, determined, that I will always trust others because by doing so it gives them confidence to do their very best. It gives others someone who believes in them, and I felt that it would be natural for them to treat me as a friend they'd protect.

After all, I don't know if I can do the same again.

But I have come a long way. I did gain self-confidence, and that to me is already an achievement.

Technology, really.

2011-10-24T16:38:00.000+08:00

This is my 3rd semester in NUS. And there are generally, two types of modules that I've taken so far. Arts and Sciences.

Sciences being my core because I am from that faculty, majoring in Life Sciences. To be honest, my CAP isn't very awesome. In fact, my lousiest grade came from a Chemistry mod that was part of my core modules. Yea, I totally regretted that grade but I can't do anything about it and it probably ruined any chance of my going for exchange programmes.

The modules that I have truly enjoyed, in fact, are not Science modules, but Arts modules. Maybe because I have the option of S/U-ing the module and thus isn't as stressed about them, or maybe because I don't take as many Arts modules as I do for Science... But one thing is for sure, Arts modules never fail to get me to THINK.

And that is the important point of education. To THINK, reflect, and really look at things from other perspectives.

One recent module I am taking (and am probably scoring really badly for it anyway...) is the exposure module for the Communications and New Media (CNM) track. It talks about technology, and new media. And also has a portion that got us to think about the implications of such technology.

We all say that technology improves our way of life. Yes, that might be true. Telephones, cellphones, now smartphones... They improve our life because now we get to stay connected, be contactable, and can even access the internet from a device. Overseas calls make communications easy, and now even with Internet and VoIP technology, it is fast, convenient and cheap.

However, is this connectivity really improving our lives?

Now, I look at my phone, and wished that I didn't have it. I wished that I didn't have to be woken up by the tone of SMS or a call. I wished I didn't have to reply text messages, emails, and stuff as and when it arrives. Yet, because I have a text message on my phone, I am socially obliged to read it and give a reply because there is no option of rejecting the message!

As such, I feel technology may very well be ruining my quality of life as well. Convenience is definitely there, but what it does is permanently chain me to work, even during off-duty moments.

Of course, there is always the option of switching off the phone. Simple. But that is, in a way, abandoning the piece of technology. It does, however, still makes you liable for any messages missed, and to face the consequences in the case something bad goes wrong while you isolate yourself from the phone.

Sigh.

Technology, really? Are you here to help?

Liminality

2011-09-23T00:42:00.001+08:00

Didn't really want to post stuff here because someone reads it and is judging me based on my blog... It's kinda sad, coz my blog is the only avenue I can post stuff about how I really feel deep inside and a way for me to relieve some of my saddest thoughts.
Having this avenue taken away, or being labelled as a liability is such a sad thing. It makes me even sadder.

But nonetheless, still my blog. I will include a disclaimer then: Everything typed in the post from this point onwards is not to be used for judgement of the original blogger and author. Should you read on from this point onwards, you are taken to have accepted the above terms and in no way are you allowed to use any material on this post to judge the author.

These few weeks have been terrible. Argh.
School started, and the only weekend I had to rest was the weekend that just passed. And now, it's already recess week and I have 3 midterms spanned through 2 days once school starts again.

I have thus been very stressed ever since, and to add on to that, Someone has been making things difficult for me. I've been trying so damn hard to get it back and he just simply refuses. Not only that, I have been requested to do several things in exchange for... a lot less than what I originally had.

I can't even believe it, all because of one stupid event. My life turned upside down.
The only person who can put it back in place isn't wanting to do so, and I spend my days upset, sobful. While he walks around like a dignified prince.

I also just realized that I cannot think about things that make me happy because he says so. I can't think about how perfect my life was, because he says so. What was supposed to be a relaxing chill on the PGP square blocks (where I love to be at when I look at stars), turned out to be one which made me shed tears, got really sad, and walked up to my room with puffy eyes.

I can't even be happy in my own right when he fails to NOT make me cry. Sigh.

And to be honest, my life sucks, no matter how you look at it. Yes, I am very fortunate to be in good health, study in a uni, and stay in a good hostel room. But this aren't the things that can hurt someone, it's what hurts from within.

It hurts when you know you are SO lucky to have met two guys consecutively, whom I had loved very much, who fail to appreciate me for who I am. For judging me based on my looks. What my body is or made up of. I just don't comprehend how my luck can be so bad.
And I spent so much time and effort on it to boot.

And some selfishness kick in and ruins everything for me.

The perfect birthday I envisioned, the one where everything in life falls in place and there is that security factor. GONE. With one person's selfishness.

I always wanted a birthday like that and I was that close to getting it. Until that stupid stupid day.

Don't understand why fate has to make me walk an entire circle just for me to end up where I was. I bet that bitch is laughing at me right now.
I just want to walk ONCE, and be done. I don't need to walk a smoother path or what, I just want one.

That stupid fate.

Why can't I just have a life where people can appreciate me for who I am. Why?
With the amount of good things I've ever done, I deserve good karma. So why?
Why can't the person I love, just love me back for who I am forgod'ssake. WHY?

Haihz. For now, life sucks back again. And in fact, it sucks so much more now.

If water flows through the gaps in my fingers...

2011-09-09T04:15:00.000+08:00

I would still do whatever I can to keep it in my hands. To quench the fire burning within me.

Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.

Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.

Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.

Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.

It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.

It did. It happened again, exactly the same.

This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..

Why.

Why do I deserve this twice.

I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.

Let me tell you this.

Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."

The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.

Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.

Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?

I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.

Save my birthday!

2011-09-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

Today, or for the past two weeks, I found out that my birthday was ruined. FML.

Been reading FMLs these few days to lighten up a bit and to see that I wasn't the only one whose life is filled with misfortunate events. It did serve its purpose and made me smile so yea, good good (:

Well, I know I always say that things are unfair and such but okay, this is really unfair. -,- I gave him a series of celebrations during his birthday and in return, I get messages from him since the past two weeks that he can't wait to leave me.

OH. OH. OH. How great a 'present' this is!!
._. I realised I'm painting him in a bad light.
Sorreh.

But it can't beat this feeling I've got here with an impending screwed up birthday. Haihx.

You know I'm gonna be hurt again the same way I was last time... The thought of it really makes me sick. And determined to prevent it from occurring. And it's why I am not going to give up.

In general, I still can't understand why some people are just such irritating people, to put it in a nice way. Like, how could anyone just decide to leave and leave just like that? Without any consideration whatsoever, without any qualms that they could've hurt someone or ruined their lives, after spending such an amount of time and dedication into it?

Last year's birthday, I spent it upset at not being able to join SCMC. And wished for a better birthday next year. Well, guess what, it's so much more worse now.

Only if I could solve this shit and go back to the way we were.
Would be really appreciative if my live doesn't screw up anymore. Sigh.

In any case, I am still trying to be positive and optimistic. So I am being confident that my upsetedness now is temporary and I will be able to resolve it and go back to the way I like it to be. No matter what, it's gonna be something I will do until it gets solved. Nobody, not even HIM is going to stop me.
I will freaking show you that you're WRONG now and you will regret your thinking next time because I will solve it no matter what you say.

This week supposed to be a happy one that will accumulate and make my birthday a great one. Not anymore.

Why is there so much to do?

2011-09-07T02:30:00.001+08:00

Today is Science Day at school! The response was not bad, the donuts sold well! A lot of people were there to help at the booth so it was quite cool (: Well done to the planning committee, after so long, it's finally over and successful! Truly a job well done.

I also went to watch a concert at UCC today, Souvenirs. This is for my SoM module and I have to write a report on it regarding the Science behind the music, technologies and such.

As a result, I returned quite late.

Kinda tired now. Yet another day past without resolving anything. How I wished it was simple, you know, where we don't have to go through this notion. Don't have to worry daily about convincing you. Man, just wished it was settled and resolved. The way I want it.

Next Monday we gotta present out project proposal for Ecology. The thing is that it is really difficult to even come up with a topic. And our groupmates just can't find a common enough time for discussion.

Not forgetting, a half-day Ubin trip on Saturday. Argh. So busy >.<

But I'm still the me. Everyday hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out great. Although inside got a lot of frustrations but trying to slowly let it leak out of me through un-toxic means.

Jiayou ba, Cass... Everything will be fine. Keep smiling! (:

New Mac

2011-09-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

I am now officially part of the Mac family (:
After Internals ended yesterday, I rushed down to Comex2011 to get my new MacBook Pro. It's a birthday present from my parents, since they needed to replace the home desktop and have decided that they will use my awesome buddy Compaq. I'm still trying to get used to the interface and all, so... Yep.

My Compaq has been with me for the past 2.5 years and to be really honest, it hasn't brought me too much trouble. Except for once when its battery adapter spoilt and I had to replace it. And today, when it hung on me while I tried to transfer my stuff into my HDD.
I'll miss it while it's gone but at least, it is still a good computer that my parents can use and I don't have to sell it away!

Anyway, Internals hmm... After a tough fight, I managed to be elected as Hon. Gen. Sec. Really really appreciate the people who voted for me, even though my speech wasn't that good or anything. I hope I won't disappoint you, or Science, because I'm going to give it my best. And when I make mistakes, please come to me, tell me where I've gone wrong and guide me through.

I was really tired today. After returning from Comex, I went home coz I needed to grab some formal attire. So since it was late, my Dad didn't want to send me back and I didn't want to bother him either, so I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am (to me) so that I can follow my parents out and get to school via public transport.

The crowd was crazy today! Even though it's supposed to be vacation for the schooling kids. With my heavy bag and large bag of computer accessories and clothes, it was amazing that I made it all the way here. NEVER take bus 183 from Clementi in the morning, ever. The people swarmed the bus and all it was really scary.

This week is pretty exciting. There is Science Day tomorrow which is gonna be so fun! (: And also I have to go to a concert tomorrow. On Thursday I have to attend the Annual General Meeting in the evening till night, and yep. Still don't know if Leonard wants to come. And again, on Saturday I have to wake up at an ungodly hour to prepare for the Pulau Ubin trip. 6.15am at school wthhh? I think I might have to WALK all the way to Science from PGP. In the wee hours of the morning.

And after that, it's time to chill and absorb the day. Enjoy enjoy, happy happy. (:
HOPE FOR THE BEST!!

Man I wished that my Birthday wish comes true. (:
P.S. This is my 500th post on this blog. HOORAY~!!

Long night

2011-09-03T13:31:00.002+08:00

A long time ago, I had to shift blog address very frequently coz Someone will keep having stuff to say about my posts. But not annymore. My blog is my blog, and what I post is up to me... Thus, I will stand by my posts, and not just avoid, avoid, avoid. Besides, I'm not flaming anyone or posting defamatory contents.

In any case, this weekend is the Internal Elections for the club. We only managed to allocate one position the entire night. And now we can't start the Elections coz we aren't able to meet the quorum. Sigh. It's going to be a damn long day again.

But it's good lar, coz this session really bonded the new committee together and we are able to talk, laugh, joke... In the midst of seriousness still have fun.

Despite having other stuff to worry about, I still managed to keep my focus last night. Good job to the candidate though, hats off for standing there really long and still have the same passion throughout.

Still hope for a better tomorrow every single day. Even if I was going to remain positive now because I have something to believe in, sometimes can't help but think how much will be lost if something bad happens. Coz of that, I am not going to give up because I don't want to lose this part of myself. But to have gained such a perspective in life, I hope I can use it to go on to improve whatever I had in the past that I had lost due to the mistake. I think this is the thing that will really make me ditch my past and have something real to look forward to.

Hmm. Birthday coming anyway, but then again I don't want to expect so much out of it. Since last year been looking forward to the BIG 20! Yays. It would have been perfect la, would have is the word. But something struck and then it's not going to be like that anymore.
And recently, someone told me this statement, "When something bad happens, we don't find blame. The most important thing is to find a solution..."

Simple statement, but managed to touch me in various ways. It matters not now that I might just never have the same sort of happiness that I had, and I don't find fault anymore because I have done my part in apology and have the intention to put all unpleasantness behind me and then start with a new slate in my rs. Now I just want to do my best to fix it.

So even though my birthday won't be as sweet and perfect and ideal now, I don't blame anyone for it. I just want to make the best out of it, and give me the happy birthday that I deserve for making it through 20 years of my life. For going through the trials and tribulations and surviving them, learning from my mistakes, for the people I've helped or the people I've reached out to, the people whose lives have changed for the better because of me.

On that day, I shouldn't deserve to be sad. It is a celebration of my birth and existence in the world and no matter what, I deserve to be happy on my birthday.
(Though, my heart goes out to all 911 victims.)

Been some time

2011-09-02T16:17:00.002+08:00

It's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Been very busy, and on top of that, stuff to worry and deal with all the time. Later or tomorrow, I am so going to get grilled. Damn emotional roller coaster AGAIN. Except that it would be for a whole different thing.

In any case, I've decided to you know, change myself more, and become more cheerful, more optimistic, more positive. Because there is something to believe in now, and believing in it requires that much of me. Thus, I have decided to make this change.

But the main point of this post is to put across a message.

I am trying. I try hard, because it is worth it, and it is worth believing. One day, I just know we will be back to when we were again. Even though there won't be those times we spent together coz of work and distance, it's okay. Because I keep you in my heart, and as long as I know you are still with me wherever you are. I will be happy.

People make mistakes. I make mistakes. People get stressed. I get stressed. I'm sorry if I upsetted you in any way. I probably had my reasons then, but those were in the past, and I am now determined to change, not only for us, but because I know that it is good for me.

Yes, I always look forward to the next day. Even if you couldn't tell me that it's going to be okay. That we will stay together and not let go. I look forward to the next day because every day brings new hope, new circumstance, and new opportunities. I still hope and look forward to the day we are able to bridge this emotional gap between us now and go back to the way we were. The way we loved. I look forward, and I have reason to believe, reason to hold on. Reason enough for me to never give up on us.

Even though you're not in school with me right now, I still keep myself smiling. When I'm in the clubroom, I look at the desk where we studied together. When I'm in the canteen buying drinks, I look at the D-Plus bread that we used to squabble over which flavours were the nicest (Purple Potato Paste v.s. Blueberry). When I'm at U-Town and I see subway, I remember how we shares footlong sandwiches while watching Fullmetal Alchemist in your room. When I'm at PGP, I remember the times we had SourceOfHealth Food for dinner, grab bubble red tea, and chilled under the stars; how we did laundry together; how we went back to PGP after every day...

These are memories that mean a lot to me, and I cherish every single one of them. Even if you weren't able to be here physically with me, these are the things that put a smile on my face. I won't let us end like that. These are the things that keep me holding on, because it made me genuinely happy. These are the reasons why I keep believing in us.
And now with the emotional gap between us, I am damn well going to patch it up for us. We are most definitely going to work things out.

If you're reading this now, I sincerely hope that you'd forgive me for the things I've done to upset you, and give us both a chance to hold on.
I love you, Lennie.

Yesterday

2011-08-25T01:40:00.003+08:00

I went home yesterday. I just felt like going home coz I wanted somewhere safe to rest. But it's just a temporary thing, because no matter where I go, I am still unable to hide or run from my problems. Just something to make me feel a little bit better.

Maybe I can't take this one more time.

Often, I wonder why my life has to be so tough, but I have yet to find an answer. Could it be that I haven't tried hard enough? That I am not good enough to be here?
I try to believe I am here for a purpose. Yet try as I might, I don't truly see any.

Even the people I love are able to live without me. Toss me away without flinching or feeling anything. Am I truly dispensable, disposable?

I am happy now, yet not really.

I have someone I love. Someone I'm willing to live for. Whatever it is, I fight for him. Yes, I have someone I love and he is the reason why I am living.

As cruel as fate might be, I've been told that he will be taken away from me.
I wonder why I am always given something to guard, protect, and love with all my life & heart... Then get told that it will be taken away from me.

Please don't give up on us. Please believe we'll make it. I need you.

I feel very helpless. I don't want this to end.

Please, anyone, please help.

Welfare - Where's mine?

2011-08-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

Right now I'm trying to save what's left of it all. What I have, what I can.

And to be honest, I don't really know what to type on here anymore except that typing on here gives me some sense of comfort. Some, just enough to keep me from going insane at this very moment.

It wasn't like I expected this. I didn't.

Don't really know how to put this but today was basically a straight road to hell for me. In my situation, there was really nothing I could do. I had to either be quiet and let myself and my priorities be disvalued, or to do something about it and cause whatever it is to happen today.

What happened was a meeting that was supposed to be at 12.

And what occurred was a series of really hard-to-make decisions. But then I thought, he is a person who understood passion. Turns out to be otherwise because judging by the situation, no matter what I do, I have to be on the losing end.
I could get to my meeting on time, and seriously jeopardize me relationship. Or allow us to be extremely and jeopardize our relationship (also) and my impression on the MCs.

In any way, one way ticket to hell.

I often wonder why life enjoys bringing me to such places, makes me make such screwed up decisions. Often wonder why life never seems to think I've done enough to deserve some peace, love, and joy.

All I want, is to be happy with the man that I love.
That's all.

Yet it always seems that life is expecting so much of me. To make me sacrifice so much not to improve things, but to keep things the way they are. Life gives the people around me much joy and relaxation, yet places its burdens on me.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this.

Have I not loved enough, respected enough, and understood enough. I've taken so much of my pains by myself, yet I'm the one not reaping the benefits.

And I'm tired. I want to just cry and cry and not stop until this is all settled and I'm back to when this fucked up thing didn't happen. When I could stay in my room with Lennie and not worry about anything.

Life sucks.

And please, just give me back what I had. Don't leave me, and don't take this away from me.

Confusing times

2011-08-21T02:05:00.002+08:00

Just finished with the main bulk of my event, so I took the time to rest and recover today.

In any case, the bf is half-complaining how I always sound so emo and depressed on this blog so I shall make an effort to talk about some happy stuffs this time. But I have a need to vent my frustrations here so... Too bad. He also mentions how it's interesting to look at emo ppl and he will just go, 'Oh well...' Kinda weird but whatever.

Not going home this weekend.

Yesterday I went over to Leonard's Hall, which is ridiculous coz it's like at the end of the world. Put it this way, if we were to be flooded and drowned by an apocalyptic wave, that place would still be standing coz it is TOO well hidden from the rest of the world. Okay. Maybe not that epic.

So I spent the entire last night and today with him. Kinda mixed feelings. I really want to enjoy the limited time I have with him. It makes me happy just to see him, happier to be hanging around him, and very happy to be able to spend time with him like that.
But it gets a little awkward when I get down to thinking that hey, this is going to be what it's like for the next 4-freaking years.

It's such a long time to be thinking about. And all I tell myself is OhmyOhmy.. jiayou.

So although I'm kept in pretty good mood today, I'm still in general quite displease with my life and how it's turning out la.

Maybe because I'm tired by all the crap I have to do, and will have to do in the near future, or the future. Shit, I just realize I'm going to be displeased with the rest of my life. Good job to myself. -_-

ARGH! Okay okay okay... What I want is just a whole change of circumstances. I have what I want already, so I just wished that situations can change. But I don't think it's going to change.
What I'm wishing for is as good as a miracle, or one that will never happen. I might as well not wish, but I can't help but wish coz...
Ya, I don't want to live my life like that ba.

Drag drag drag

2011-08-14T02:46:00.002+08:00

Honestly still haven't had a good day since a long time ago. Not that I'm having high standards about things, but I haven't really enjoyed any day for a really long time. Because every single day brings about a reason for me to be annoyed.

It seems to be like no matter how much you've prepped, ensured that things are set up the right way, planned down to the fine details... Things will just happen to throw the situation into chaos. When you had all your leaky holes covered, a new one has to pop up out of the blue and screw things up.

And there are times where I keep having to consider others' feelings, while others aren't giving a damn about how I feel and that is frustrating to the core. Essentially it tires me out coz I keep having to give and others keep taking me for granted. What does it take to let them know that I need considering too, and that I matter too...

Haiz. This kinda time, I just feel like not doing anything and let everything crumble around me. Somehow I just feel like it's just meant to be that I can't be happy. I still don't understand why things keep screwing up for me.

I feel like just a little person in the world, like the sands that people step on all the time and not appreciating that they have ground to put their feet. I'm tired of being one of those. I also want people to think me important, to hold me close to their hearts, to protect me with all their might.

I've been putting up my defenses and fending for myself for such a long time. Just want to find some relief of such tasks, or at least have someone to share it with. It doesn't help that although people claim that I'm important to them, there is still something else more important. I don't think I'm no. 1 to anyone now. Not even my parents.

Of insolence and misery

2011-08-08T00:27:00.003+08:00

Another attempt at a good day, failed.

It didn't start of too bad, to be honest. I had hopes of it ending well. But as it turns out, I ended up taking the train home alone, and crying on the way home. Public transport always sees me at my worst, especially when I'm alone. The crowds of people just make me feel all the more alone in this busy world.

It didn't end there. Once my mum was home, she yelled at me constantly, asking me to do this and that, reprimanding me if I did anything too slowly in her eyes, and blaming me for not fixing things in the house. I couldn't even shower or eat in peace.

Then I gave up, I just resigned to the miserable day that fate has set up for me. Whatever it is, just apologized. Everything just 'Sorry. Sorry.' Like what it was in the past, apologizing for things I didn't do.

I feel so defeated. It's like me, running all the time away from bad stuff and sprinting so hard towards the good stuff. But I'm still not fast enough and at the point where I can't take it anymore I just fall flat and let the darkness engulf me. (Yea, I'm getting good at these analogies stuff.)

At the point where I just rather raise the white flag, and surrender. Fine, do whatever you want -kinda thing. When I realise, no matter how much I fight, it's still not going to be mine. How much I plead for one day, it isn't going to happen. So I give up.

Reminded by him once again how I am worth less to him compared to an inanimate object. I guess, if you were me, you never really want to hear such stuff. It's really not that great when most people see me as like, dirt, and then the one person you trust to want to pick you up agrees that yea, I'm like dirt.

Isn't that right, when you love someone, you give them the key to hurting you the hardest, yet trusting them not to? I would love to have been the case where my trust really worked out. In reality, not really. It's that kind of pain where you fall, yet nobody helps you up. It's the kind of pain where it was promised not to be dealt, but still did. Like an ambush.

As strong as I appear to be, I've been shielding for the past 19 years. It is crumbling, and it's draining my energy just to keep it up.

Like they say, the greatest lie that anyone speaks is "I'm fine."

I'm fine.

Just that I see every potential happy day I have being stripped from me. It's not a good thing to be witnessing or experiencing.

Plain lost.

2011-08-06T01:56:00.002+08:00

I just had an argument that lasted an entire day.

It all stemmed with me trying to explain how I feel about things, and it all turned out to be an argument that lasted the entire day. I was so tired, and really could use a day without such interference. And even though I wanted to think that it was a happy day, it is still this stupid fact that made my day really bad.

Achilles won many prizes, and we were an overall 2nd place for Best OG. Well done, Achilles. I am proud of you. Keep up the good work, and keep in contact with each other for a long time to come, like your senior Dryads are.

I would have been ecstatic and declare this day a happy day, if not for that argument.

Can't believe it lasted one whole day, and he refused to understand or comprehend anything I said. There are those people who are really insistent and self-centered that they find it so difficult to understand others or make a compromise.

I'm really tired from all the effort I'm putting in. Tired because I'm really trying very hard, yet not really being appreciated. When I'm down, I have him telling me that I'm being ridiculous and him acting like he can't be bothered. Yet when I'm at my breaking point, I'm constantly told to talk to him if I'm sad. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to him when I'm sad yet he tells me to.

Expectations. I can't meet. Even if I did it won't be sustainable. I'm using up so much energy right now just trying. I wanted to convince him so badly that he shouldn't be expecting so much from me, because it really is too much pressure for me to take. Not only that, having that high an expectation will only bring about disappointment.

Hell. I don't know how he can be two different people in real life and over text. It just really confuses me because I'm troubled by the fact that he is nice in real, yet so hostile without me in his line of sight. It is already an obvious sign of 'out of sight, out of mind.'

If life were that tough for me, I'd rather admit that there wasn't a place for me here from the start. I don't want to force my way through life, working twice as hard as others to get the same returns. I'd rather be gone and let the world continue spinning its own course, than force myself to be part of it.

I want some understanding and compromise. I want people to be aware of my needs and keep them in mind. I don't want people to see me as someone who will do things from them, and then they do not need to do anything for me. It's true that there is no true altruism. But I really hate it when people just take me for granted.

Perhaps what I've learnt from my past has made me weak yet strong. In the sense that, of course, I can be harsh and firm and solid... But in actual fact, it's becoming such a bother that I just had enough of being picked on, being taken for granted.

Confused now. Can't find it. I just keep hoping, just keep wishing. Trying hard not to let myself break again.

The times you want things to be perfect

2011-08-03T00:17:00.002+08:00

For once. The long anticipated day - Today... IS SCREWED UP.
Seriously, I can never have a day where it won't screw up. Especially one that I've waited too long for and truly deserved the day.

I have no idea why. All I've been waiting for this whole vacation is today. Where there won't be anymore external committments for him. And today was supposed to be THE DAY where it belonged to me, and me only. I was promised that. Many, multiple, times. In the end, it just ended like that.

I spent most of my day sleeping. He spent most of the day doing video.

What is supposed to be my day turned out to be... yea. Not my day.

Apart from the fact that we ate meals together, and had dinner at Ikea, nothing spectacular went on. It was kind of a huge disappointment on my part.

The freaking worst part is that I can't even blame anyone. And nobody really understands how frustrated I feel. Because really, it all seems like when it comes down to this, I'm not really someone that people would make time for. Not a priority. And it saddens me.

You would feel this way too, if you were in my situation. Because to be honest, I deserve more than this. Promises aren't things to make so you can break them. It's promises that tells the other that no matter what happens, you won't change your mind.

I wished, sincerely, that this day won't be like that. I wished I could be happier.

I'm late for school

2011-07-26T14:39:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to be making my way to school right now, but I'm not because I can't get out of house yet. Face is ugly now, and I have to settle some matters on the phone before leaving (yea, that is what I mean, babyboy.) I can't go yet until I settle this shit.

Shit, is a good word to describe it. Because firstly, that is what I feel like right now. And secondly, it stinks to have to deal with it. Thirdly coz you can never stop anyone from shitting coz that's called constipation.

On this very day, I'm being reminded how living in this world can be a pain in the ass. Not like I chose to be here, I just am here. But having already been here, I should be entitled to my rights and my own selfishness. I should have some value. And so far, it's been dismal. Everyone just expects me to do things, and they aren't very willing when I expect things from them. Ironic, isn't it that they expect leaps and bounds from me, yet I can't even expect them to be... well, normal.

In all honesty, feeling lousy right now. I got pissed just now and threw my comb. I wished I had something more epic to throw. That would be a good way to vent my frustrations, other than trying to bruise myself on the wall by punching it. I heard it makes you bleed too. Too much trouble to clean it up later.

And it all feels like you're the one being shortchanged in all of these. Like, sacrifices cost more than what they reap and you regret. You regret agreeing to all this crap because it's hurting you now more than ever. You wonder why others are smiling when you are the one who should have been. And when they frown at your sacrifice you just feel like beating the shit out of them.
I'm the one who is hurting now, not you. Don't you dare complain. -That's what I feel like now.
Hate them all for doing this to cause this to me.

For once I feel like my tears be seen and my cries be heard. When I deal with all of these behind everyone so they think I'm strong and I'm happy. No, I'm not. I'm breaking myself everyday so you won't be able to break me. So that I seem strong.

I know I am. I just don't want to be that anymore.

Trying very hard.

2011-07-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

I'm making an effort to be alright with what's going on.
I find myself being really frustrated, really irritated at what's going on around me. Not to mention, really tired, and really moodless in doing what I do or have to do.

Sometimes I just wished friends could be friends, and everyone around can be just like a happy one big family. You care for me and me care for you, sorta thing. I hate it when politics come into play, or when someone just becomes selfish, or someone's not being receptive. Sigh.

Everything seems so much like a chore. Going here, going there... Staying here, staying there... Waiting for shit to happen. I just am so tired and sick of it. Somehow feel like I'm alone again just waiting for someone to come notice me.

I wish many things. I wished I didn't have to go through this, basically. The stress, the packed schedules, the awkward moments, and the near future. Damn, I just want it all to stop. Can we just go back to how we were. Where everyday is just going to lectures, doing tutorials, seeing friends, and seeing Lennie...

I'm honestly not looking forward to start of term where everybody is leaving. The reason that kept me in science, that family around me. Now, the prospect of it being taken away. I'll be surrounded by scenes I'd very much like to have. And when I see them I feel alone again. Yes, I really am. It won't be the same, the hallways will look empty, the clubroom cold, my room a prison, and every sound I hear would sound muffled.

The idea of being replaced. Not by someone, no. But by an idea, an entity. A choice that would be difficult for him to make. Sometimes... I just wished it could be easier. I just wished. If it's them or me, that it would be easy to tell which is a better option.

I really don't know how to put this in words anymore. I just don't want to do anything anymore. Everything I do seems to just make things worse, make me feel worse. I just want time to stop now and not progress. I want him here again. I don't want to do anything for fear of matters getting worse. Stop. Just stop everything.

I want things to be how it was awhile ago. I don't want to let go of it.
I don't want to see things that remind me of what I should have gotten, yet not going to be getting them...
I have been trying. But things are not making it easier for me.
I'm ripping myself open and bleeding, yet I know it is for the best. Because there is no other option. Everyone knows it's painful, and they know that it's the only way to do it.

I don't want to...

What a day!

2011-07-17T00:05:00.002+08:00

If I woke up without trouble before 10am, it means one thing: I haven't slept well last night. So basically that was it for today. Managed to wake up at 5.45am without difficulty.
Only had awhile to pack before I had to leave home, so dad can send me to school.

I think I pissed my parents off in the morning today, coz I realised that the SD card for their camera was stuck in my computer so they couldn't use the camera for their chalet thing later in the day. I was already in school and dad has already left. So yea, he got pretty pissed...

We had an SCMC meeting today, and today's cakes were awesome. We had awfully chocolate cake and Bakerzin's Strawberry Shortcake. I think everybody enjoyed it and also that we deserved the treat. Meeting ended slightly early today as compared to last time. Oh, and Mengmei joined us today too. (:
We then had Wendy's after everything and had a fun htht thing going on.
I scared Hussein with my finger tricks, like my hitch-hiker's thumb as well as the 4th finger flicking thing, haha!

We then went back after that..

Anyway, have been invited to Google+ by Sufyan, and it is pretty cool, that function which allows many people to mass webcam at the same time. We can watch Youtube videos together too! I mean, yeah, that's the main thing about Google+ now la..

Overall today was alright. Got to talk to alot of people, and see SCMC come together as an Ohana! Had fish soup in the morning too WAHH!!! O.o

Even though at night was abit disappointing but still... Happy memories of Ohana...

ANNOYING as hell.

2011-07-15T00:21:00.002+08:00

Another day gone, another day closer to his transfer.
Soon, I will be going to school alone. Eating lunch alone. Eating dinner alone. Attending lectures like an empty being. Nothing to look forward to at the end of the day.

Sienz ji bua.

Today I just felt extremely extremely stressed out. My tear ducts did betray my emotions a few times but thankfully nobody caught it. The whole day today felt like I was going to explode and there was nobody to talk to.

But glad to say, I made it. It was tough, and it was frustrating, but I made it. Even though my chest felt tight a lot of times and I thought I couldn't breathe, I still did.

I just didn't know what to do. Things just keep being taken away from me. Promises broken. Being left alone and being told I was going to be left alone...
Being independent is one thing, it's there when you absolutely have no choice to coz nobody is taking care of you... I can't do it all the time. Obvious reason: I need you!

Sigh.

If I had a self-destruct button, today would be the day I'd press it.

Just couldn't get my points through to Leonard. Sms is a bitch. So is the camp.
Everytime I see what he says in his sms and I have to reply, I just feel like giving up and like, really throw my phone at the wall to break it. But my iPhone is worth more than that so I resisted. So badly.
Have no more energy for that. I can just imagine myself just collapsing there and not doing anything.

Well, nobody enjoys being told that they have to independent coz someone else has no time for them. It's not even an excuse since it is only a matter of how one manipulates their time. By that statement, another promise/word has been broken. If someone were important enough to them, then they would naturally be willing to free up some time for them. A want to care for them. To make sure they're fine.

Doubt that saying sorry sorry all the time would mean anything if they didn't mean it or if they couldn't be bothered avoiding doing such things again...

I just feel like giving up on everything now. I am too tired to handle and to fight anymore. Just spare me the pain already... Take me home...

Back from prep camp

2011-07-13T11:48:00.002+08:00

SOW 11 Prep camp finished yesterday, and I'm back after a good night's sleep. The series of dreams that I had last night really helped distract me from the woes of the day.

My house is quite awesome. Although, I don't really love the OG names too much. It's the people that make the camp awesome la, so hopefully we all become more bonded and stuff so we can rahrah the juniors and make them high as well. The games were VERY fun. OMG, so many new interesting games! War games was something different as well. I missed out the first day of prep and apparently I missed a lot of the funner games then... Sienz. Just gotta see when the real camp comes.

Looking forward to meeting my freshies. However, Moltres, I still lurve you okayy? Don't doubt that.

Another wave of prep activity. But I actually have a lot of events next week. Very annoying and conflicting.

This week sucks.

Yesterday I edited the lyrics of Hot Chelle Rae's Tonight Tonight and it goes:

It's been a really really messed up week
Five days of lonely, Five days of bitter
And my boyfriend went to ADM camp
He's an Arts enthusiast but I am a Science student.

La la la, whatever.
La la la, it doesn't matter.
La la la, oh well.
La la la~

I'm so frustrated tonight, tonight
There's nobody on the rooftop
Top of the world, tonight, tonight
And I'm stuck here while he goes and have a good time.

I don't know if I'll make it
But watch how good I'll fake it
It's all right, all right, tonight, tonight!

Yeah. That's how bored and frustrated I am. Too bad I can't do anything about it.

Recently I've learnt the beauty of blasting music really loudly. When you're annoyed, frustrated, upset, whatever... Blasting music just drowns out those voices in your head that keep whispering stuff to make you upset. Then you'll just focus on the loud music and nothing else, and it kinda helps with the upsettedness a bit.

Wanted to drink the Breezer in the fridge for a quick fix, but I've already told Lennie that the Breezer is his. Maybe I should just be mean and selfish and eat the ice cream we were meant to share. Yeah. That would give me some satisfaction. It's like how you're doing stuff like what they're doing to you back to them. Confused yet?

Mummy's birthday today. I still haven't thought of anything fun to do. But I made her card already!

Man, I'm like, always doing stuff for people and giving people pleasant surprises. Somehow I wished I had surprises like that too, for me. But nope, none so far. The best one I've had was Birthday Mooncakes by my awesome Dryads. I really didn't suspect anything, until the real thing occurred! They were THAT awesome seriously. Can't love them anymore than that. <3
Thank yous Dryads!!!!! <3 <3 <3

I guess, that's one happy memory I can take with me!

Alright, don't want to make this so long so I shall end off here~

BROKEN

2011-07-01T00:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I read about people posting certain videos, or stories, and then the readers/viewers say that it is so touching it will move them to tears. But when I watch or read them, I rarely rarely have my tear ducts activated.

So I wonder, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! I probably am broken. Yea. I blame my past. Not being a broken recorder but really, I blame it all on my past. No kid my age should go through such traumatizing times, seriously. Argh.

Perhaps I've been through so much that my tear ducts have 'hardened' to external stimulations. Kinda think that these things are not worth shedding tears for, since there have been more serious situations that tears had been shed for.

No, I only cry for the moments where the people I love stab me where it hurts the most. As a kid, I have tasted the bitterness of betrayal, and it's truly something I don't want to go through again.

If I could change the past, I would... have just wished for caring hands instead of hands that cane. (: I don't blame myself for my past.

Yeaps.

Many times I feel sad coz I feel very unaccomplished. Kinda feel like doing my best in everything but I shy back sometimes coz I feel unappreciated luh. Which then in turn makes people think I'm incapable. But I don't blame them ba, generally. So I only go where I am needed, where people are willing to trust me to do my work.

Yeap.

Tired now sia...

Tired days

2011-06-15T20:29:00.002+08:00

Tired. Tired. Tired.

Travelling overseas really drains my energy. Not to mention the multitude of events lined up when I get back.

I got back from Night Rider recee yesterday. Yes, overnight cycling! It was kinda scary at times and my butt damn pain, but overall, a good exercise ba. But we also ate a lot so I wonder if it helped with keeping fit, haha!

Didn't really sleep much either when I got home, but I finally got down to treating my face to a mask! Keeps it well moisturized. After which I spent the day watching the last episodes of Harper's Island with Lennie and his family.

A few things happened last night that kind of reminded me of certain things. Mostly related to a little accident that required my First Aid services. Nothing very major so don't worry, stitches were required for her but she's fine. (:

I think the most valuable skill I have now is my First Aid skills and my knowledge of medical drugs. Though not an expert, I still have a little more on these matter, mainly on the medicine side. Reminded me of how I always wanted to study Medicine and be a doctor, but it all seems bleak. I even wanted to transfer to nursing so that I could continue working in the medical sector, working to make people well again.

Also, I presume is the first time Leonard saw what I do for First Aid. And then for just a little moment I see a need for my existance in the world - emo thoughts from before said otherwise. That I could actually do something that benefits others. And I am so glad I can do that.

In any case, I still have no idea how she sustained that cut. I am very glad it wasn't too major, considering the area of cut could have brought about serious consequences.

I am really tired right now...

Busy times

2011-06-12T00:55:00.002+08:00

Scamp prep is going to be quite hectic for the next few days.

I'm feeling kind of exhausted from all the thinking I've been doing.

Everyday, I think of how I can be a better version of myself. How I can be a better person, someone more important to others, someone more useful to others, someone that cannot be gone. And everytime I think about it, I just can't see to know how.

I can't make everyone happy and thus, nobody is perfect that way. I am only a single person, and I can't be with two groups of people at one time. So one group might think I was being anti-social and avoiding them and all, while the other group enjoys my company and think I'm a great buddy.

As for my other half, I can't make him happy the way he wants me to. Physical appearance-wise, I am who I am, my face is what it is right now, and that's just how I am. Dressing up, I have my own preferences and what I am comfortable in and what I am not comfortable in. Somehow I have to give up all these to be a more preferable me for him.
I'm already stepping out of my comfort zone for this and other things, but when I don't like something I really don't like >.<

Then, I just suddenly feel so lousy. Like I can't accomplish anything. Like, even if I wanted to be a better person, I just can't. Then I find myself thinking why can't people accept me for who I am? Why can't they just see my good points and stop harping on my bad points.

Maybe I don't have any good points. At least, any good TANGIBLE points about myself.

):

Just want to be myself.

Emo ttm...

2011-06-08T18:45:00.002+08:00

Returned from Cambodia/Bangkok less than a week ago...
So I'm kind of tired coz I am just done with 3 days of SCamp Prep Camp...

Not only that I'm tired coz of the shit that has been revolving around me these few days.

Because when I see things start rolling downhill, I can't help but run after them to get them back.
But the thing is, I can't make everyone happy.
It's tough when each side wants a piece of me. It's tougher when one side can't see why there can be a point where both sides can meet.
It's tough when you have to choose a side and both are equally as loved and cherished and deserving.

From what I see, time is like the sand in an hourglass, and it's running really low.
I am afraid of what's going to happen after the sand runs out.
For now, I just want to see each grain of sand being used to its full potential.
When there is just so little time to play and laugh and enjoy each other's company just like we did back then..
When there is still time to be together..
I don't want to be a part of that forgotten memory. I don't want to see that happen, and I will hold on to it as long as I can.
You have to try.

I am afraid of being pushed back into the darkness where I have found light.
Saw a hope, then to lose it to something else.
I want to be happy, happier.
Want to feel important, want to feel loved.
And to those who have led me to my light, I will forever be grateful...
You have saved me from pain, loved me, and cherished me.
And I hope I will be able to do the same for you, except maybe in a different way...

But I don't understand why I am always doing things wrong.
I feel like whatever I do I am still going to upset someone.
As it was in the past, I never get to forgive myself.
Just hope that people will understand...
I have reasons for the things I do.
I am rational, and I weigh my options.
Why do you still get angry with me for doing what I do?

Why, why, why...
I always wonder.
I believe, when I get this all sorted out,
I will cease to exist.
That's why, the world is always in chaos and confusion.

The last part doesn't link. But never mind.

Sigh.

I'm just sad.

Exams

2011-04-28T15:21:00.002+08:00

Exams are here and I'm halfway done!

Though, it is somehow irritating when people randomly come to msn and say 'Woohoo! Freedom!'

When I say random, I mean like, I do know the person but am not that emotionally, or psychologically close to them.

Anyway I've been thinking a lot as usual. And I think to myself, is there anything deeper than what we see the world as now. It is quite alright to be living here I guess. But, maybe it's just me, I feel like humans have become what Biologists call "invasive species".

And so I wonder, whoever gave us this intelligence? Was it when Adam and Eve ate the fruits of the tree that God told them not to eat, that gave them this intelligence and thus we are this intelligent? Or has evolution made it such that humans, the non-hairy apes, are more intelligent?

If it was Adam and Eve, then I might just think that God is kinda disappointed in us coz we were created in His image and now have intelligence, and we are destroying the world around us that He created for us. Also, we use this intelligence to cheat and deceive, to desire for something we might not even deserve... I don't think God wanted humans to use our intelligence this way.

And about evolution. This intelligence we have is destroying the world we live in. I'm talking about depleting ozone layers, fossil fuels, and melting ice caps. If evolution meant the survival of the fittest, by making us humans the top organisms of the whole system of life, aren't we destroying it as well? See, when we destroy our environment, nothing else lives. Perhaps only some microorganisms, or creatures that live so deep down in the world (those depths that humans never can reach) will survive.

We are destroying ourselves, ultimately, are we not?

Maybe it won't happen in our generation, and that's what people believe. But this is selfish thinking. Our future generations will think of us as destroyers and selfish people. We leave them to clean up our mess, while we sit here thinking they can. What if they can't?

In any case, several mass extinctions have taken place on our planet Earth. I don't deny that one day in the far future, that the human race will be wiped out, bringing the other creatures and organisms with us. And I just hope that the next generation, the next era, the living creatures will learn to love and take care of our planet, better then we do.

Damn long never blog

2011-04-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

As stated above, I damn long haven't blogged!

Umm... So fast right, exams coming...Yea. Then exams over, work for PA, go PA, go SCamp, go SOW, then sch start again wth...

Cannot tahan this kind of life. Firstly, the reminder everyday that I suck really sucks. I don't know why sia... I study so frikkin' hard, then I get 39 out of 50... But it isn't even good enough. I don't understand why I love Biology so much, study Biology so much, still not good enough. Oh my gosh, what else do they want from me...

KNS. Really super KNS this sytem. I got a D the previous time, probably a C or D again this time... Coz like, median score is 42. Yea, that is how it goes, you think you're okay, but you suck. There goes my pull-up CAP for this sem. And to think, I hoped that with the topics I love so much, I would be able to maybe perform a little better.

And this happens.

School is really unfair sometimes. Why can't they switch to a fulfillment system... Where they don't grade, but go on a S/U system for everything. Unless you really catch no ball for that module then you get a S. We are already in uni le, still need to 'chromatograph' sumore. As if there aren't enough elitist programs hanging around in school.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with the world. I spend less money to get into a better university and end up at the lower trenches of the cohort. I spend so much back then to bring me a step closer to what I really want, and end up being lousier than anyone else.

Feel like such a failure. Did not get to NUS High to achieve such lousy standards.

Sigh.

Sometimes, it's easier to imagine that you were never here. Rather than being here, worrying about how to survive.

Yawns.

2011-04-06T23:08:00.002+08:00

I can't count the number of times Leonard has fallen asleep, and not respond to msn, phone calls, and alarms. So here I am, calling him on his phone while typing this.

In any case, trying to multi-task here.

Haven't blogged in awhile.

Sometimes, I look upon Facebook, and realize how disconnected I am with my NUSH people. This is especially true for those not studying at NUS, or those that are in NUS and not participating in activities.

I guess it is partly because I am always busy doing Science Club stuff. And also coz none of the NUS people taking life sciences are in the same subject group as me. So I don't see them that much if they don't hang around the Science activities..

And the other people, I don't know. Maybe I just never managed to form a close enough bond with them? Which is kinda sad really... Coz I really liked my NUS High days.

Those NS guys just seem so, unknown to me now. And there are some who were quite good friends with me, yet they just don't seem to remember me.

Sigh.

Also, I'm just so busy with schoolwork. Who knew, the students here study so hard that if I don't study, I'll fail. I'm not a bad student, and I love what I study. However, it is just not enough, you know... something isn't... right.

I always thought things could be accomplished if you had the passion for it. But it's just not true where I am... Coz I like what I study yet I don't do well.

Grades don't matter. That's what you say when you are getting good results... The rest who don't get good results, become slaves of the grades. And no matter what you say, grades do matter to us.

We love you, yes, but employers love our results more. Thus, they love you more. And that's not good for us, sorry.

Alright, I am getting damn frustrated already. Byebye.

Sad

2011-03-20T01:48:00.002+08:00

Today, I am (note the present tense) actually very sad. Sad, frustrated, and disappointed.

I tried to talk about it but it didn't work coz it turned out to be a talk about how I live my life and stuff like that. But all I wanted to do was to talk about the situation itself, and why I was sad and stuff like that. I didn't want to talk about life and how it relates to the situation.

With regards to life, I live it because I have to. It doesn't mean I'm happy about it. It doesn't mean I'm not happy either. It's just an obligation I have to fulfill.

Today, it hit the threshold. I dun get why, when I give people chances, they just don't take it. And instead, assume that I am joking.

Okay, maybe I joke around at times. But when I tell you something serious, take it seriously!

So a few days ago, I got pissed off majorly and declared I wasn't going to play Monopoly Deal with someone anymore. (I don't put names here.)

But then, this someone really wanted to play today, despite my numerous repeating of 'I do not want to play monopoly deal with you anymore.'

Oh yes, the reason I don't want to play monopoly deal with said person anymore:

1. I hate card games from the very start
2. I hate it when I lose all the time

3. It's not fun to play something that you lose at all the time

So, the person said ok, he'll let me win this time and we'll remove the deal breakers, since said person really really wants to play it, and i really really don't want to play it.

Thus, I said fine, I'll play.

So we removed the deal breakers, and started playing.

Said person won AGAIN. With a smile.

Now, I am REALLY really pissed.

1. I just lost, AGAIN.

2. Person said they were gonna let me win, and they went back on their word

So obviously I was upset.

The very reason why I don't want to play with this person anymore is because I don't want to be upset like this. For one, I am not one who can tolerate losses by the spam. Sure I will lose sometimes, but losing like 17 times out of 20 times just really sucks.

Who the hell wants to play a game they'll lose?

And I trusted this person to keep to their word, but they didn't!

Thus, here I am, sad.

Some of you may think I'm a sore loser, and maybe I am, but this friend of mine just went back on their word. Which makes my sadness times 2. Also, I hate losing multiple times, even if it's just a game.

But this friend still doesn't understand what I'm going at, and goes on to tell me how this situation relates to life. Like, how I should face challenges in life instead of giving up.

Firstly, this is a game that you mentioned, was supposed to be for relaxing. Then you went on to say I should pick up the challenge. No, challenge does not equal to relaxing.

Secondly, if you keep saying 'just a game', then you should just lose and let me win because I need it more than you if you ever want me to continue playing with you.

Thirdly, how does a card game based primarily on LUCK makes it related to life?

Life. To me, now it's to stop making myself hurt because that's all i've been feeling. I've been losing out in life mainly coz of my setbacks in earlier life, getting laughed at my entire school times, being insulted again and again.

And I just want a break. Maybe I'm not good at stuff that matter more, but at least, give me a break in the things that don't matter in life? At least, give me a chance in small silly games that mean nothing in life. A small victory, is all it takes to make me feel like I can do something. A tiny victory, all it takes to feel good and to smile on the inside.

You've been given this ability, and you chose not to use it. Just coz, oh, 'I should rise up to the challenge coz in life it is never this easy'. By letting my win, you get me see me smile; and by you winning, you make me feel twice as lousy inside. It's all an obvious choice now isn't it? Or is it still your choice to 'teach me about life'?

Give me a break. And make me feel like I can do something for myself. I dun care if you disregard me as an equal. Sometimes, even when things are fake, they can make someone's day.

And sometimes, when you can't bring urself to be fake for just a little, you ruin someone.

Really, give me a break from all that life stuff.

damn you, botters

2011-03-12T21:05:00.002+08:00

I repeat, I am NOT a botter, and having a botter sound the mousehunt horn for me is utterly, horrendously disgusting.

That being said, botters are disgusting.

If I could, I'd delete them off my Mousehunt friend list. I detest you people for horning for me thankyouverymuch. And stay off my turf of non-botters.

Old fashioned or whatthehell, I don't really care. I just DON'T WANT TO BOT.

It's just damn frustrating when you look up every now and then during studies that you smile coz it's time to press the horn. It used to be so relieving when I get to see what I catch. But, not any more. Ever since the invention of damned scripts that run on Chrome, whenever I miss the horn by a little, I don't get to press it anymore. Ooops, sorry, it says, (insert name) has sounded the horn.

That's fine if I know you aren't botting, or if I don't know you're botting. But when I know you're botting, it makes my blood boil. Keep off my horn, butt.

I hope Mousehunt implements the thing Neopets does in their shops. To press a particular spot in a picture so that botters can't script it. Then I will do chicken wings with those irritating botters.

On a non-Mousehunt side, I am also quite frustrated. Namely because I suck in Science. My CAP is lousy. So I can literally say bye-bye to Medicine. Everyday in my school is a constant reminder that my life and future are a mess.

And today, I learnt about Nursing. Seems pretty good. But I need to support a family with that. I don't even know if the salary from being a nurse is reasonable in terms of working hours and such. If I could hold on to a Science degree and do something non-Science like, HR in a company, and still earn more than nurses. Then wth?

Zzz.

Life is really troublesome.

I would, like everyone, want to follow my passion. What used to be a passion is now just an interest. Main reason coz I can't excel in it. Another reason coz I don't have the chance too. Partly another reason coz my life in the future isn't only going to be mine.

In other words, circumstances and giving way makes me unable to pursue what I want. Maybe coz God doesn't want me to be what I want to be. Whenever I get into a place where I know I should be able to survive, shit hits me in the face and tell me that no, I'm below average.

Darn.

Alright, I gotta go.

Nights.

Waiting

2011-02-24T23:14:00.002+08:00

What is it like to wait for someone, something, anything?

I am all too familiar with this, since I am always waiting. Aren't you?

Waiting for a better day to come...

Waiting for someone to come...

Waiting for something to be done...

Waiting for time to be up...

I don't know. But sometimes, it annoys me. It annoys me how I have to be waiting, while I could be slightly more productive.. And sometimes I just don't know how much people do wait for me... I guess, I do make people wait too... Sorry.

Today I thought of lots of stuff... Those questions that I never could answer.. Like why I was even existing in this world, or why the world was so unfair, or would the world be a better place without me...

[Note: While I was at that thought and mumbled to myself, my half-asleep bf replied with a yes, agreeing that the world would be a better place if I weren't around, Lol.]

Though, I don't blame him. Think about it, I'm eating up resources as I live! Which could be used for more significant people. Simply put, if the end of the world was here and there was a shuttle to save the most impt people, I won't ever be one of them. This is a 2012 movie reference.

I also hate it when people cheat, coz I believe that you reap what you sow. The effort you put in will definitely get you something. Yet, this cannot be 100% true now in this weird world. Coz people are too intelligent for their own good. Everyday, people are thinking about how to cheat the system.

Can't we just go back to the good old days where if you put in effort, you'll be rewarded as you deserve. Nowadays, the cheaters and scammers get more than what they should get. And that is just plain wrong because there are people out there who are doing things honestly like we all are supposed to be.

Then again, I'm just typing this coz I'm just so frustrated with botters. Yes, botters, the people who use autobots for games. More specifically, MouseHunt. And why am I frustrated? Coz someone I know is using it and I'm just really annoyed with it, though I don't make it that obvious. At least I try.

The only task you do in MH is to press the horn. Yes, like every 15 minutes, just 1 second of your time to press the darned horn. And people have to resort to autobots for that? What the? If you autobot it, you might as well not play the game. You see, you're not even playing it. Just quit, and you won't have to worry about pressing the horn. You don't have to force yourself to resorting to cheat methods, for what?

More cheeses and gold so that what? You can continue to bot.

Oh yes, I totally see the logic in this. Sarcasm alert.

I quote someone "It's just a silly game."

My reply would be "Yea, and you're botting a silly game. That makes you twice as silly as the game itself."

WTH.

Can't stand it man, seriously.

Of people and weird happenings

2011-02-17T22:09:00.003+08:00

Somehow I just don't know where I am, sometimes. Like, I look back at the past, I look at where I am now, and I really don't know what's beyond now.

Recently, just very recently, stumbled upon a friend's Facebook page. And like, he's been quite active on it, but never once spoke to me since he's back. And I find myself wondering... There are really some people out there who aren't true friends. And I don't know why, of all people, he would be like this coz he was once someone who was very worried that his friends do not like him.

Oh wells, I guess it's just something that is in the past and I should just move on. Still see him as a friend, perhaps. But I guess, friends are just that. True friends are those that last.

Okie. Now, let's talk about this week.

This week is sort of interesting, coz it's Valentine's Day, Leonard's Birthday, and 2Months, all in the same week! Isn't that exciting?

Okay, so I actually was so busy that I forgot to get something for Angela... Ooops. Sorry oneechan... Happy V'day kk? Thanks for your cupcake! <3>.<
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEONARD!!! LOVES.

And happy V'day to all~

Although, Leonard didn't have time to get me anything for Valentine's Day...Hmm..

): [Small small only]

I made him a card(s) for his birthday though! I should get him to take a picture of it! It was really cute and I think it's one of my best creations so far. Ever. Yep.

Sighx.

Hussein gave all the MCs some Chocolate Research Facility Chocolates, a note, a gel bottle, and a rose! (: Thanks Hussein~!! Though, I haven't tried the chocolate one yet. He probably got me the nut series coz he thinks that I'm nutty... Lol.

Had two tests this week! Plant physio and History... Though, I'm alright with the Plant Physio, and have a terrible feeling about history. Oh man... At least I studied. And I think I don't have tests after recess week. Yep. Phew.

I sorta want to go out and play for a little bit, but I really have no time.

Seeing how infrequently I update my blog now... ZZZZ... Sigh.

I hope, I get more rest during recess week. Wanna do a little more studying though.

=P

Cya.

Week 2 done!

2011-01-23T00:43:00.003+08:00

This week was hectic, with the Secondhand Book Sales period going on. It also brought lots of warmth to my heart that my people did their duties meticulously, and really did a good job in doing their own special part for the students.

Round of applause for WELFARE!!!

Woohoo~

Alright, well... There have been some difficulties, but none too hard to overcome. Nothing huge or major happened. Most people were patient and understanding, and thus the baddie few did almost nothing to faze us!

Mmmhmm!

Valentine's Day preparation has been alright so far. And yes, looking forward to it! Jiayou!

These few days have been a bit sien. Need to change my playing style for Monopoly Deal coz I am currently on a losing streak. My deck just hates me, after a very very short period of letting me win. Like seriously, Leonard gets at least ONE dealbreaker every round, and both dealbreakers every now and then. Just my luck :/

That is why I hate card games.

Apart from that, has also resolved something. Something along the lines of, I will never show something to someone. Yep. Fill in the blanks yourself. Coz like, when you don't want to experience something, you should just avoid it. Or actually this applies to only certain situations. But yeah, as long as I believe in myself, that'll be fine. (:

Oh yes, my lab group got split up! T.T But it was good at least Joanita is there! And we still get to see each other (benchmates), and chat and all... Cheryl is in the same group as me, so there is still much to chitchat about, haha! Joanita, she just stands there and looks longingly at us... ):

Yep!

Overall, very very intense week. Made it through! ^_^

More to go!

Title-less

2011-01-18T12:54:00.004+08:00

I don't really know what to put for the title of this post, haha. But during recent times, it has not been easy as I type on this blog. Somehow there is just so much to worry about, and because you know that there are certain people reading it that are.... not getting the point of it.

And you just have this feeling they want me to do something, though I don't want to. A blog that has over 400 posts spanning three years.

It has been a month and a day. I think I have been okay with it so far. And ohmytian, I almost forgot. But I still did in the end and did a mini magazine as a gift in like, 10 minutes.

School has been busy so far, which lessons, readings, and Welfare. But I am still managing well, I think. Sien. My quiz thingy scored not so well. Looking at the marks it seems alright, but put it with the bell curve, I think I'll get a damn lousy score already.

Currently, really feel like going on a holiday and go overseas and play... But looking at my schedule... Really like, impossible. Going to be spending 19 days in Cambodia + Bangkok, so that's all for my going overseas to work + play. But I really feel like going to other countries too!

First week of school

2011-01-15T17:13:00.003+08:00

Finally back in school. Don't know whether should be happy or sad.

Being back in school means having no time for anything else.

Seeing from a SCMC point of view, being back in school means academics + Science Club work to do. Science club work is sort of fun and more fulfilling, at least to me... Yet there is still academics to take care of and that sucks the fun out of everything.

And on the academics side, being back in school means having to study study and study. LSM is not a good place to be in, since the cohort is so huge, a portion being Medicine rejects, so the whole bell curve thing is probably not going to work to your advantage. Not to mention, everybody is so chiong with the work. Simple lab report also write until want to submit to Science journals like that or something. Sien.

Everyone is just so competitive! Is this typical of universities across the world, or is it just Singapore, or is it just my school? Super sighx when I think about it. Learning is about knowing things, not showing off how much you can remember in a fixed amount of time. It doesn't mean that just coz my grades are horrible that I don't understand anything!

And also there are like, groups of people who are so obnoxious it makes me irritated. ARGH!

Can't believe I'm going to be here for another 2 or 3 years... I would totally become a no life nut who thinks about CAPs and studies and research, and nothing else!

In any case, I guess it is still not as bad when I know that my friends are around and there for me when I need them. Although at times, they use studies as an excuse for stuff, but they still care for me la.

I think, this world is a little screwed up already. Science, technology, and advancement actually causes our Earth to deteriorate, yet we are doing all we can to learn, so that we are able to do more research to find new ways to advance our society. And this ultimately speeds up the destruction of us.

Not only that, some people's mindsets are really weird. I don't really understand society anymore. That's why I turn to science because at least it has some true facts that can't be proven wrong. Humans are just too complicated to understand... ZZZ!

So long, 2010~!

2011-01-02T00:43:00.006+08:00

Year 2010 ended beautifully!

Seeing how my personal diary is so thin in 2010, really shows how eventful it really is. So this blogpost is basically a summary...

First part of the year was spent working. So I started working as a clinical asst. It was tough initially, but I managed to make a lot of new friends, most of which older than me. They helped teach me to grow as a person, mature as a person. Evelyn, congrats on your new baby boy~

This part of the year was also when I was really concerned with my family bonds. I felt like my family was falling apart because it felt more like a house than a home. Some stuff that we could have done as a family, my parents object and weren't cooperative... So at that point, I was really depressed. It doesn't help that, my NUSH friends are all over the place and I didn't really have people I could rant to. I can't rant to Angela all the time coz that would be stressing her out!

Also, admissions to NUS was a pain in the neck. So much stuff to do, no reminders at all... I'm thankful I got past that stage!

Then, school started with a whole range of possibilities. The first thing that annoyed me was Orientation, coz publicity wasn't done very awesomely and thus we almost couldn't get to SOW. But still, we managed to. Met my very first friends in NUS there. I really love my Dryads! We are still going strong as a group now, and that is very heartwarming to experience!

After that, my short time in Alpha really stressed me out, so I decided that I would concentrate my time and sweat to being in SCMC. So then, I got into SCMC as a NUSSU welfare representative. And now, I'm on my way to being a Welfare Director as well.

My CAP wasn't as awesome on the academics side, but I did enjoy my time at NUS, my new friends, the things I learn... Yep. So it was a really fulfilling experience.

On top of that, something that I did not expect... I found someone I love. Although it hasn't been long, but we are both still learning more about each other as the days go by. So far, things have been alright. I do enjoy my time with him a whole lot, and I'm appreciating it everyday that I have him with me. And he makes me a much much happier person simply because I know he will be there (:

Looking forward to 2011~

Ponder yonder

2010-12-28T20:26:00.002+08:00

These two days haven't been easy, but I was glad I at least was reassured by my comm. I like how they are so serious when it comes to work, yet manage to smile through it all, and how we manage to seek joy in the things we do.

How they didn't complain when we took almost half a day for our meeting, tired, but we still managed to do things.

I am really touched, and I am reassured by you people that we can do this.

On the other hand, there are still things that worry me much.

I feel, that things should be much more focused. I can't really talk much here, with all the politics already buzzing around... But I do hope that things will get much better from today on because without a change, I am afraid that my heart won't follow.

My suggestion is, don't play so much when it comes to it... Because it is important, firstly, that work gets done before play. It isn't easy to find a common time for serious work, so I feel that time could be better managed in that sense.

Yep.

I guess that is the reason why I felt so awkward at times, when people are talking among themselves, making inside jokes, and all I could do is to sit and listen. Even so, people are judging, saying that I don't do anything. It is not that, okay... I just don't get what you guys are talking about. And that is how I run, I need to observe how you guys work before I can step up to join and interact.

I didn't get a chance to form first impressions of everyone, so I can't relate to everyone just by a snap of fingers. I assure you that once I can connect with you guys properly, I will be a very good friend.

Nonetheless, thank you all still for getting me to play the games as though I was already a good friend.

So these two days haven't been easy for me. And I really am touched that I at least had someone on the outside to communicate with, for me to rant and talk rubbish to. I really don't know if I'm being irritating, but to this special person who has been through my nonsense these two days. Really thank you, and ilu.

It has been emotionally draining. Non-stop questioning of myself as a person, continuous worry of being judged again and again and again, pushing myself even though all I want to do is just run away.

I am aware of myself, who I am, how I work... And these two days really go against that. Even though I know it won't be easy to change who I am, I know I have to. Change is never easy, always painful. But no matter what, I have to pull through. I will fall, I will bleed, and I will cry... but there's no other option, is there?

Yet change is always controversial. People want others to change, change for the better, perhaps... But when it does occur, we question again and again, if that was still being yourself. How many times have I changed, just for people to walk away from me saying that I am not the person they once knew me as.

Sighx.

One person, cannot be everything all at once. I want my friends to be close to me, and it is really not in my nature to hold on to large groups of people who aren't very close. Firstly is because I feel very obliged to invest a lot of my time and dedication into my friendships. Being in a large group exhausts me because I will want to give fair treatment and love to everyone. Secondly, the friends around me are placed so close to me because I trust they won't hurt me. I don't want to throw myself in the midst of a large group of people, not knowing each individually.

That is me. For now. And who I know myself as.

So yeah... There are many who can't accept this. And I know that it can become a problem. But if the ppl think that I can have enough love to go around for everyone, I shall try my best. Alright?

I really, really want my friends to know I am always there for them.

Boxing day = Boring day

2010-12-27T00:06:00.003+08:00

I dragged myself home from the Dryad's Stayover last night at Simon's house. Bus 88 doesn't do me good because not enough halfway through the ride, I felt sick and felt like throwing up. It doesn't help that last night I was more than worried over Welfare stuff.

And spouted nonsense to Leonard.

Then I went home, and slept the nausea away. Nobody woke me up, until someone sms-ed me. So I lazed in bed, being moody. Moody, and waiting for Mum to come gimme a hug and ask me to get out of bed. Unfortunately, there was no need for Mum. Coz in my laze, I spouted more nonsense to Leonard and pissed him off.

I'm sorry, Leonard... Sobs.

So after a couple of obviously pissed-toned SMS-es, and one word that made me feel so scared, I jumped out of bed. AND WASHED MY FACE.

I don't know if I should be scared, guilty, or angry. I have the right circumstance for all three. Yea, then maybe I am feeling scared, guilty, and angry at the same time. Makes sense. For the entire day.

After lunch, Mum let me nap on the sofa for a really long time. All the while, waking up ever so briefly to reply Leonard's texts, in the most cautious way. I had a series of bad dreams, which involved people saying the same dreaded word to me continuously, or people walking away from me all at once, and another involving Leonard becoming so annoyed with me that he didn't want to see me againz.

SADFACE!

This is not true!

In any case, the dreams felt so real, I ended up feeling lousy the whole day.

So I tried playing Xbox360 Viva Pinata. Then, coz the plug for the fan was beside the plug for the console, my mum pressed the wrong button and switched my Xbox off! >:(

Gave up.

Then was dinner, which is the most awesome part of the day. Ate at Soup Restaurant and was SUPER super full after that.

End of day.

It's....

2010-12-24T23:04:00.003+08:00

Christmas Eve!

This year's Christmas is a little more special than the ones I've had!

I think, as a Catholic, that the most important part of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

But let's just, for now, talk about Christmas as an event that everyone (or almost everyone) celebrates.

This year's Christmas is special! Apart from spending it with family, the very special part is there because I spent Christmas eve with someone I love. Best Xmas ever. ^_^

Went to Orchard bright and early in the morning. Didn't know what to get for us both, so we decided to just go shop and see what we like and we'll get it. So I got a Uniqlo Fleece jacket from him, and I got him a new wallet.

Now my jacket will be exceptionally warm ^-^ I'm sure about that. A jacket blessed with love is always the warmest, most comfy one! =) Thank youuuuuu~~~

Finally watched Rapunzel, and I think we both enjoyed it. Love the music, the animation, everything! It's really a good show to watch! Rapunzel does have a lot of hair though, sorta scary.

Best Christmas ever!

Shopped a lot too O.o

Oh wells, that's about it for today. The finer details are for me to keep in my heart, so... Not telling! ;P

Enjoy your Christmas, peeps!

I hate the weekends

2010-12-13T00:54:00.003+08:00

I realise that things screw up the most during the weekends.

Today, I was quite happy in the beginning. Woke up feeling sort of refreshed and not zombie-like, unlike yesterday. Made my way down to Compasspoint for OCC. Managed to work through the entire thing, which was sort of an achievement to me coz I thought I would be too tired to carry on.

But I'm sorta sick of reporting screw ups. Let's just say that everything screwed up after that.

And I sort of, got really upset. I would be tired now, but a part of me is so enraged, I feel like staying up till someone gets up so that I could scold them.

I feel like having a Breezer now. No, I shall drink one before i get to school tomorrow.

I mean, it just takes one event to set off a chain of thoughts, to be in a state miserable enough to get the truth out of the people around me. Because people feel sorry for me. (And I know you do too, every time I am emo.)

Even though I'm not supposed to be emo, but what can I do if the only reason for me to not be emo is the one who set off the trigger? (I'm sorry.) Also, I now have more reason to be angry with you.

I don't know if the next day you'll come and say sorry.

I don't even know if you really read this thing.

I don't know anything anymore.

Why do you do this to me.

Harry Potter and sorts

2010-12-07T20:30:00.002+08:00

Today, watched Harry Potter. It was pretty intense throughout, which is good because the entire book is dark and intense, you know... Enjoyed it. Kinda not used to the fact that the actors are way too old for their characters. Oh well.

Reminded me about how much I used to be a fan of Daniel Radcliffe. Still is. Haha! But he's losing his fans coz he isn't that cute little boy he used to be, and from what I saw at the movies today... He doesn't seem that buff. Oh wells. I'm still a fan, not a crazy one, but yes, a fan.

Went to run some errands after that, and had a great talk with Angela.

Sometimes, well, you can't expect too much from someone. And that's what I learnt. The more you expect, the more disappointed one gets. And yes, I am content. I have since stopped thinking about long term happiness because it is just too hard to get. Because it isn't a solo activity, and it will come to me when fate thinks I deserve it.

In the meantime, seriously, fate, you aren't doing a very good job. Step up on it. Seriously, before your mortal gets pissed.

So, I should at least for now, just appreciate what is presented in front of my eyes. Stop looking so far into the future. I think it's crucial that I can get my spirits up long enough for me to wake up every morning with a reason to carry on living. Yes.

Be happy with what I get now.

We shall see what happens tomorrow. I do hope that I get to breathe in that fresh air again, the familiar scent. It doesn't matter that most of the past I've been there with a recently-promoted-to undesirable. This is the future, and I am living in it. I am not going to dwell on the past.

[Especially since he gave me a reason to stop believing he could be a friend.]

I haven't finished my filming plan for tomorrow. I was hoping to get the scenes I needed for a film I wanted to do. I know I'm not good at it, and when it comes to editing that I will slack off because my programme sucks... Still, I gotta try.

And tonight, I will spend a lot of time purging all expectations for tomorrow. I must. I must I must. It's not right for me to be expecting things from people. I need to work to get what I want. And even then, we can't always get what we want.

I don't want to think what happens in the future. For now, I live the present and make good out of it.

The sun smiles in the storm

2010-12-02T21:47:00.001+08:00

I had a very happy time today!

Managed to see the sunrise, and all... I don't really want to write too much about it here. But it is one of the rarest times where I actually looked forward to something so much, and in the end is a good ending!

Makes me feel like a kid all over again, happy. Just happy. No other concerns.

Thanks so much, Leonard.

Trust is an issue

2010-11-26T22:45:00.003+08:00

I am finding it harder, and harder, to trust in people. Or perhaps, I find that the people I meet in my life are really.... I duno. There are some that stick, most that drift, and a portion that make me want to hate them inside out.

A junior telling me to grow up? Fate really has a hobby of screwing my life up. Yes I understand that I can't please everybody, but what greater insult can there be? Despite my faith and trust that this dude would one day start to respect me as a person, after like, damn, 3 years, he is still one that thinks he's greater than me.

Let me tell you now that I am sick of this. And I never want to talk to you ever again. I'm sorry but there is no friend I have that disrespects me the way you do. You and your disgusting behavior is what I never want to experience again.

Not only that, a friend who never saw me as one. Damn fate. Going away without saying goodbye, and returning without saying hi. You are really regarding me as a disposal piece of thing, and I do not appreciate that.

A few things I pride myself upon, is that I have a reason for doing whatever I do, and that I am constantly aware of myself and my emotions. I rarely lose myself at the spur of the moment, and those times I do, I am aware. I am also a keen observer. I calculate my every move, and every single possible scenario plays out in my head whenever there is a choice I have to make.

But fate, you always come and screw things up. I don't think there's a problem with my estimation. But when I calculate a 99% success rate, you always come and give me that 1%. What's your problem? Can you go play with other people? Seriously!

In life, we can't always get things we want. But it's another matter if we always don't get the things we want. What my life taught me so far, is that this world is a lonely one. It doesn't help that there are people in my life who can't even see me as a person. That luck is not important is bullshit. When you realize that you never get lucky, not once. Especially when you needed just that small bit to accomplish what you've saved up for. That being accountable to someone else is what one needs to survive. If I were only accountable to myself, I would have stopped living a long time ago.

And to be quite honest, I am really disappointed with my life as it is right now. Where there is laughter, I know that an equal amount of upset or more is going to appear. When you realize that you can never do anything well.

At the small corner of the world, I curl myself up to protect myself from hurt. Probably because I can't take it anymore. I just want to stay there and do nothing, because I don't want to see how ugly everything will turn out to be. If I did nothing, if I just stayed, I would have enjoyed one more moment of peace.

Day of Fun

2010-11-21T22:53:00.003+08:00

Today, was pretty unproductive. Well, I did study, but not ALOT. Like I usually do. Wow, pretty intense. The stuff at home tempted me to drop and play, which I'm so glad I did.

So today, I slept till like, 11. After which Mum and I went to Rivervale Plaza for some food and grocery. One thing I like about the plaza, they have this shop that sells all sorts of cute stuff, and it changes every now and then. Today, I bought a chalkboard, and two highlighters. Didn't take a photo of the chalkboard, but the reason why I bought the highlighters....

Bunnies! They were TOO cute not to buy. I would have bought the entire series, but it was sorta pricey, so I bought the two colors that I would use more often.

After that, went to eat at Macs, where as usual, didn't get any winning game pieces. I kinda got a little annoyed when my mum got the Green Tea for me instead of the Ice Lemon Tea. But oh wells, it's alright.

Went grocery shopping after our meal. She complained about people taking so long to choose their meat, and in the end, she took quite some time to choose the meat too. -_-"

Walking home, I took some pictures using my compact. So yea... I figured, it's nice to appreciate my surroundings once in awhile. I really love where I stay, and therefore, shall take some photos of it. They can be found on my facebook albums. =)

Studied for a little when I got home, then played the piano. Skills were still there. But still stuck at the first page for Maple Leaf Rag. Downloaded 100 Years for playing. It isn't as easy as it seems. =/

Also, played Rockband on my Xbox360. Damn waste of time, but it was a good stress reliever. Guitar this time. Drums next time!

Haha~

Study was on Molecular Genetics today. Just going through the textbook. But I think the textbook is everything, so there's no real need for pdf notes ya? Sighs, exams end in about... 9 more days. I'm looking forward to it.

YEP!

Ciaoz!

Makes a difference when I see purpose

2010-11-20T00:22:00.002+08:00

Today I gave my camera some attention. I organized the pictures in there, spammed them on my laptop... which I am going to transfer somewhere else some time later. And then went and took a few photos, actually, just two. One of the science club secretariat sign, and a few others of my noodles. Haha...

I went for driving today, which was quite awesome. I realised that I drive quite fast... Which might be bad because there is a risk of kena-ing the curb (CHOY! TOUCHWOOD!) But the instructor was quite alright with my driving, though I thought it can definitely be improved.

On the academics side, quite uneventful. Didn't get much done.. Did Organic Chem and GEM2900. Managed to do one paper for 2900, quite proud of myself. And organic chem is still a mess. Procrastinating studying the last two chapters. Ah wells.

And then, managed to play the into part for More than Words on the guitar today. Now my fingers hurt, lol. Fortunately, it's the left fingers that hurt.

Also, finally managed to contact Theo after like duno how long. He's coming back soon. Next Friday, he says. I'll still be having exams though. But hmm... I duno what else to say. What's in the past is in the past.

I finally got to learn to fly a little, and I don't think I want to lose my courage to yet again. So, I think, I'll just put the past behind me and move on.

After all, there is a purpose to life now. It does drain me a little to be thinking of a particular someone most of the time when they're not around me, but it is worth it because I know to look forward. Look forward to the next time I see them. Best of all, everything else doesn't matter when they're around.

Somehow, I wish it would work this time. No, I hope I get a chance for it to work.

Studying goes

2010-11-18T08:46:00.002+08:00

Man, how I wished exams were over! Coz I want to do so many things I haven't managed to do ever since school started. And there's movies to watch!

My friend Leonard got me to realise I haven't been connecting with the Arts. I used to have an Arts aspect in my life and now it's almost not there! Sighs. So I'm also going to be doing arts stuff during the hols, really looking forward to it. New vlogs!

Heehee.

I actually want to start a new blog, and I want to promise myself that I will have TWO blogs. One for me to rant and the other a happier one where people don't have to read about my misery all the time. But then, who will have the time to update TWO blogs?!

Though seriously. It would be good to have another blog that is more presentable and readable by the public. The very fact that I don't disclose this blog to most of my NUS friends tells that it isn't for everyone to read.

Alrights.

I'm gonna be playing Spore until Leonard comes in. Talk to you guys soon.

And remember to care for the arts!

Exams are coming!

2010-11-15T00:35:00.002+08:00

It's that time of the academic year again! EXAMS! Frankly speaking, exams sound like a good idea to me. Good old cramming stuff into the brain without a care about lab reports, assignments, and stuff like that. Yep, just me and my textbooks and my notes and my stationery, studying.

It isn't such a bad idea, really. Think about it! It's the end of all the miserable nonsensical lectures where we took the long route to understanding a concept - through deciphering a mysterious accent, then recalling what was said. Seriously, just read the notes or the textbook. I'm sorta glad I've gone through some of it in NUSH, at least, I had ample time in not having to decipher stuff.

Oh wells.

Looked through some photos today and realised how different I look over the years. Okay, not over the years, but over a course of a few months. Last time my hair was just weird, the fringe is just too long, partitioning my hair weirdly. Then I cut it, and I had short hair for a long while... And then now, which I find is pretty alright compared with past looks. On top of that, crap, I've gained some weight! Well, I don't consider myself socially fat yet, but I do hope I get to at least maintain this build. And not grow fatter.

And then thinking back, NUSH was really a step for me to ditch my past past and rehabilitate me so that I could stand up again and face the world. I feel so... redeemed after being in NUSH, albeit the one major issue that could have been avoided if only someone was more mature in their relationships. And then now, I think I have recovered about 90%, and is a huge change compared to the olden days where I had to expend energy to smile.

Nowadays, it just comes naturally. Which I am glad for.

Sighs.

I have no idea where I put my Tamagotchi! My mum tried to locate it during the weekend but still couldn't find it. She found the pouch I used to put it in, but the Tamagotchi is just, GONE. Shit. I hope I can find it, if not I'll be really really sad.

I become really attached to my belongings... I still remember once my tamagotchi thingy fell into the gap of the lift, and now I'm feeling a little sad. And my stupid teacher confiscated my mum's pencil which I found out is her lucky pencil...The thought of it can really guilt me even until now (the incident occurred 11 years ago.). Somehow I wished I can get it back for mum, and I really want to... Only thing is, it's just a pencil to that teacher, she would have trashed it especially since she confiscates so many stationery. And on top of that, she was the teacher who ruined my life...

So...

Sigh. Omg I'm getting emo.

What a day

2010-10-24T00:26:00.002+08:00

Today was a super busy day. It was a mixture of feelings.

Did decorations for an entire day, and I was particularly proud of my Oreo board. Of course, Welfare's decorations were awesome, and I'm not at all surprised as I knew they were capable to making things awesome. I spent the day folding a spider, which i sucked at, and did various banners, and also wash paint off toilet bowls and sinks. The toilet bowl I washed was stinky because there was faeces at the side of it and I had to smell it the entire time until the paint was completely gone from the bowl. Darn it la... Also, almost got into trouble because they tried to wash paint off using petrol from KW's bike. And the entire students hub smelt like petrol.

Went back quite late.

The first part of the day was good, started off with having very light-hearted chats with people. I was extremely pleased at the way it was alright the way I was communicating with a particular person. The top5 came to help welfare fold paper spiders, and they did a really great job.

So I was happy at that part.

In the end, I felt so alone.

To be really honest, I really missed those days when there was always always someone I could talk to. To put it bluntly, those days I had a boyfriend, putting all fake love aside. Even if I was happy, there's nobody I can share it with. If I was sad, there is still nobody I can share it with. And I might be surrounded by the best friends ever, but none of them have me as priority. It's the way it is!

Most days I feel so emotionally constipated, I don't know who I should share my thoughts with. I don't even know if anyone respected my experiences.

Maybe I'm just insecure. Maybe I genuinely feel lonely. Hmm. I do make people smile, but I also need people to want me to smile instead of assuming that I'm smiley all the time.

Oh wells. I guess I have to keep waiting.

I really think I stopped looking. It's darn depressing to be looking and yet not finding anything. Someday, the chosen person will step up and then it shall be destined that we meet. On that, I hope the bad luck streak breaks.

Damn it with bad lucks.

WHATEVER SIAL! I am just feelin' so horrible inside right now I wanna cry! REALLY!

On a lighter note, I had a good 30 minutes watching my hamster today. It jumps all around, from one place to another inside its tank. So cute! And coz of that, I decided to name him Maki. Maki for something like, roll or spin or circle or something along those lines.

Maki <3

Casualty GC

2010-10-20T01:15:00.002+08:00

My Graphing Calculator! Oh, my trusty pal TI-89 Titanium...
It has been with me for 5 years, but alas, it has moved on.

No, actually. My Dad took it to try to fix it. I hope he manages to fix it. Yea.

Anyway, today had drama presentation for Theater Studies... Was doing Cockroach Opera with Brechtian approach. Was pretty cool compared to the previous Autumn Tomyam. We had a song to sing, and Peng Sing played his guitar. There were funny parts, so yea... Much cooler.

I think my practical group is really quite awesome.

Went for driving today again. Made a few mistakes here and there, and didn't do parking as the instructor said he would. Also, I found my water bottle! It really dropped in there, when the instructor brought my bag over from the back seats.

Had a crazy time with the science club people after I got back from driving, and Dad n Mum kindly sent me to FoS. They like, ordered KFC, and ate O.o Then we joked around, a lot. Now I'm really tired and I should go sleep.. ZZZ.

VERY tired, really.

Sighxx.

Exasperated. And stop yelling at me.

2010-10-12T00:10:00.002+08:00

I really hate it, cannot stand it, will crumble, when someone yells at me. And it's not only when people yell at me, but you just know when even though they say it to you really nicely, they really actually want to just yell it at you. Or me, in this case.

I hate it. I can't stand it. And I crumble. Really. I'm not kidding. I will find it hard even to remain standing, and my body just feels like I'm being ripped apart. Yes, I know it is all psychological. But because it is psychological, I cannot do anything about it. It gets so bad sometimes, it seems like I'm about to get a panic attack.

For the benefit of people who do not know about my past, I shall just state again why this is important, and how it is crucially relevant to my past. You see, as a kid, right from nursery, I was bullied. My classmates thought it would be a good idea to push all blame onto me. Thus, I was constantly reprimanded, caned, beaten, ignored, neglected, hated, mocked, and basically ate 'shit' for my entire childhood.

Every ounce of self-worth I had was bled out of me. And whatever I have now, is what I tried very hard to earn. Even so, it isn't a lot. It is just enough for me to understand that I am a living human being, who has feelings. Even till this day, I believe I am a burden to people, even my parents. I believe that I deserve nothing, but punishment at the very least for every little thing I do that does not meet expectations. I believe that people only love me because I can do things for them.

Everything that everyone says to me really means a lot to me, especially when it is regarding me as a person. Simple little comments may mean to me that I failed as a person.

When I get yelled at, it really pushes me to the max as it drains my self-worth. Because I know people are angry with me, people dun love me at that point. And I get very scared that I will get hurt, that they will hit me like I was beaten in the past, and they won't let me explain. Deep down inside, I blame myself for everything you yell at me for. I blame it all on myself, even if I didn't show it on the outside.

Some people just think I can't take criticisms. You are right! But it's not because I always think I'm right. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that you won't love me anymore. I'm scared that you will hurt me. And worse of all, 10 years worth of sorrow and misery just floods my mind. Sometimes, I just can't take it, and I just want to end it all. And to stop myself from doing that, I need to find every reason that I was right, that I shouldn't be hurt, so that I wun hurt myself.

The truth is, I know my mistakes. I know when I do something wrong. Trust me.

Don't shame me anymore. I have been shamed my entire childhood, and I don't need it to happen anymore.

This is the truth about me. If you can't accept this part of me, you can't be a friend either. Because I don't want to be hurt by my friends.

Some thoughts

2010-10-04T14:35:00.002+08:00

This week will be a super-the-busy week for me. Too many things to be done. I just wished I didn't have two midterms to worry about, or the ungraded lab report that my lab partner and I gotta do anyway.

I would enjoy drama too. But I just detest the part where I have to remember the script on top of LSM1101 and 1102 test materials. Or if I didn't have to find a batik bathrobe. Or cook tomyam soup. Sighx.

And also Welfare survey. I wished wished wished things can be settled as soon as possible. Sponsors! Also settle soon will be better. Oh noes, I'm sorta worried about the exam tea! >.<

I hate how things are always so unsettled right now. Can't we just settle down already and get into the momentum of life? Instead of having whirwinds all over, still unable to find out inner tempo.

Woah. So philosophical.

Haha!

Anyway I am so troubled with residence! If I don't apply and pay more for vacation stay, I have to shift everything back from hostel for vacation! Then when semester 2 starts, I will have to shift everything back into that same room. -_- Why are things sooooo lame sometimes.

Oh, and another thing that has caught my attention these days - Friendship. I have never ever underestimated this friendship thing, and I also see my friends as one of the most important things in life. They are the people who will be there when family can't help.

So it makes me happy to see my friends happy, and it is my duty to help them whenever. I absolutely hate it when things go wrong with friendships. Why can't people just take some time to clear misunderstandings, and to understand one another?

Hmm. I won't say my friendships are perfect, but that's alright. As long as my friends are happy, it's alright.

Recently, I settled a few issues with my senpai. But as hard as I try to remove awkwardness, it will still be there. Because he chooses to be that way, and as for me, I have already tried to clear it up. I don't even feel awkward, or act awkward.

I guess senpai's personality is like that. He doesn't exactly like to settle issues pertaining to friendship if things complicate it. Haiya...

Alrights then, shall stop here for now. Cya!

Updates with life

2010-10-02T02:19:00.002+08:00

Oh my dear I am still awake at this unearthly hour! What the...

No I'm staying up for my SCMC. Also, I just went to have supper with Mikel. So yea. I will be sleeping soon after finishing this.

By the way, I have no idea why there are so many people doing weird stuff on my tagboard. Look, can you weird people stop it? Stop positing your links on my blog, coz... ARGH. Just don't.

SCMC has been an interesting experience so far.

I have many great friends now, on top of my awesome friends from my OG.
I really miss orientation days where everybody can just have fun and not think about studying all the time. If NUSH was muggerish, wait till you come to NUS.

The only obstacle is my senpai. Always so hard to talk to him. Like, when I'm in the high mode, he think I'm being ridiculous or something. But others see it as a perfectly normal mode. And I can only be all serious and solemn with him. Though, both modes are alright for others.

T_T Imma sad sometimes like that.

Anyways I need to think of some activity to bond my OG together again. I feel that we're so disjointed nowadays.

On top of that, stupid stupid midterms! Screwed up my chemistry, and I have a feeling LSM will be equally as bad. =( Whatever. Just study first and see how later. At least, it's natural death if the test dies.

I just identified my links with my seniors recently!

Sufyan is actually the neutral dude that went with our group for night cycling!

And MaoSheng, lol. He was the guy bluffing me with a semi wet teddy bear. It's damn lame that time, coz I was only allowed to feel the legs of the teddy bear, like who would guess it like that, right? And he totally bluffed me too by telling me that 'so far it hasn't bitten anyone', when I asked if it bites.

And durh, Jinfa is my SP.

In any case, just wishes that the 31st SCMC will be an awesome group.
And also wishes that the people in there will be happy and smile more.
And also that we will all be great friends, and not care about complicated pasts.

And then, also that I can know more about NUSSU so I can do my job well.

Sometimes I feel like I have to do something I don't believe in. However, I still have to do it no matter what. Life is like that. Got ups. Got downs. What we gotta do is to continue walking or running or whatever. Just carry on and not give up.

And don't keep staying to paths that are already created. Should challenge ourselves to create our own paths. Trailblazer, is it?

Yep.

Just my 2 cents for today. Good nights!

@ the sci clubrm

2010-09-27T13:21:00.001+08:00

I am currently blogging in the Sci Clubroom.
Just finished the stupid chem test. And like all Chem tests, I couldn't finish my paper. Probably lost like, shitloads of mark. I should have just ignored the MCQ qns la.

Darnnit.

I have 3 freaking labs this week -_-
All thanks to the holiday some friday.

Seriously!

I have 2 lab reports this week -cries-

Eugene is off printing his notes. I hope he's back soon. Haha.

Cya!

What I got

2010-09-23T20:03:00.002+08:00

It is only through gaining something through sweat and blood, that one truly knows how precious it is.

After working so hard, worrying for a week, 8 pages of planning and thinking, I am finally accepted into the NUS Science Club as the NUSSU Welfare Rep. The name sounds glamorous, but really, it is just being the Vice Director of Welfare for Science, and also to well, be aware of NUSSU + Welfare on their side.

I originally wanted the Director spot, but oh wells. As long as I get to serve from where I am, I am already happy. I am still doing welfare, so it is alright.

But really, I find this opportunity really really precious. Have I not failed once, have I not prepped for the interview, have I not been stressed over it... I would not have realised how important being here, sitting in the science club room, is. It is something that I worked hard for.. Something I fought for.

And thus, I am not going to waste it. I want to give it my all, to do my best during my time here... And really, to just grasp this opportunity and make the best out of it, for myself and more importantly for the people in the Science Faculty.

Although my roles and duties aren't set yet. I will do anything. Anything that I have to do, anything that I am given. I will do.

That is how serious I am in this. And I hope that everything turns out fine eventually.

Birthday stars

2010-09-12T23:20:00.002+08:00

This year, my birthday was awesome. Sometimes it's easier to not expect anything.

My PGP clustermates threw me a surprise bday celebration. With an cake and all!

Then Angela and Mel and Shawn and Kenneth went out to play on 11 sept. We went to Food for Thought and had lots of good food, till we were sooo full! Mel was late as usual and had to leave early, and Kenneth had to leave early. So Gel, Shawn and I went to watch Vampires Suck and had a really good laugh! Then Gel and Mel got me bedsheets, which are really practical and really really pretty and i really really really love! Shawn and Kenneth got me a large domo-kun which i really really really love!!! OMG~ ^-^

Then lots of people wished me Happy birthday on facebook, including JinFa!

Yay!!!

I am a really happy gal now~

Thanks everyone!!

Productive day

2010-09-08T22:55:00.002+08:00

I can see how much and how far I can go to chase my dreams. Currently, I do not know how big it is going to get, but I did set a goal for myself.

A dream that I can chase.

I have failed once, and now I am given another chance. And in these dire situations, my failure really scares me shitless and I am really putting in a lot more effort. It is time for co-option, and I am back for another chance to be part of the MC. And I really put in an effort to read and memorise and visualize and plan my answers and everything.

So I really hope I can make it this time.

Anyway, today was enjoyable, I guess. It's tomorrow I'm scared of. However, with all enjoyable days, something annoying will come and screw it up.

So my mum called and asked me for the 6th time if I'm coming home this weekend. And for the 6th time, I told her no.

She then said she wanted to eat at Sakura for my birthday during recess week, and asked me when it is. Since I wasn't near any calendar, i just told her, the week after next.
She insisted I give her the exact dates. INSISTED.
And she is at home, holding a cordless phone, and there are calendars ALL OVER the house. She couldn't even be bothered to get off her butt, walk to the nearest calendar at most 7 steps away, to see when it will be. I, who am in a rush to meet my friend and not near any calendar, has to tell her the date.

And I had to tell her I'd call her back later to inform her of the dates. And she said OK.

She couldn't be more sincere about meeting me after 2 weeks of not seeing her only daughter.

Seriously.

As a random note, even my phone got pissed. The touch screen was screwy after my mum's call and i couldn't unlock it, which means that i can't answer any calls. Yes, it was that bad. But my phone is alright now, anyway.

Stressed

2010-09-05T00:03:00.002+08:00

A very important day to me is coming up very soon. I'm a bit stressed because everytime it occurs, I will reflect a whole lot. And I know that so far, I haven't achieved anything. Which stresses me out because I will spend my entire week worrying, emo-ing, stuff like that.

BLAH. What a disaster. DI-SAS-TER!

Let me share with you a story since I promised Crystalyn I'd write. Sorry ah, Crystalyn... I know you're a great friend and you cheer me up and stuff... But this is really... cute.

To understand this story, you gotta know how the PGP key looks like. It's actually a transponder. Like a car key thing. It has just one button in the middle of the key.

So one fine day in 2900, I showed Crystalyn my transponder. -holds out transponder-
Crystalyn: What's that? -PRESSES-
[Cass jumps a little]
Crystalyn: HUH? What's this?
Cass: Oh, it's for my pacemaker....
Crstalyn: What's a pacemaker?
Cass: It's this device you put in your heart for irregular heartbeat...
Crstalyn: OMG! I pressed it!!!
Cass: Yeah. You did. =(
Crystalyn: omgomgomg I'm so sorry... >_<

In the end, I told her I was joking la... And she wasn't exactly laughing after that.
Sowweee.

Right...?

Today, I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy because all my friends got the positions they wanted. Sad because they are living my dream. And I tend to get jealous about that, which will morph into depression and emo-ness.

So during the times there was nobody talking/smsing/msning me... I will honestly, just stoning where I stood/sat, and imagined a world.

I talked to Daniel about my stories AGAIN. Like how he repeats himself over and over again, so do I with him. Funnily, he finds them interesting. Genuinely. Makes me wonder if he ever listens. But I always feel so good after yelling at him about council-PSL crap and how the world is unfair to people who can't put themselves on paper.

HELLO!!! I am someone who shines better in person than on paper. I don't have stories to tell, but I have potential to show! I shouldn't be the one standing at the other side of the glass door, staring at where I wanna be. Do you know, even though I have no key... That I can break that damn glass? Yea, that's how much strength I have. So just let me in. Ok?

In any case, angsty angsty. I want in. Really. Let me in.

Stand up.

2010-08-28T23:50:00.002+08:00

I know why my previous post is so sadd! That post was post no. 444~!
Woohoo, this thing is so old now I am so proud of myself for keeping it alive. I used to change addresses everytime I felt I needed a change. But now, I find myself staying strong. To be brave to fact the past, let myself know it is there, but move on anyway.

So I got rejected from SCMC. No big deal. Did I try? Yes. Did I fail? Yes. And am I standing up still? YES.

Am I going to try again? Yes. No big deal if I fail. I tried my best and that is what matters.

Disappointment now is a small price to pay for the regret I am going to feel next time. How I didn't fight hard enough for what I want.

Cass is a strong girl. Whose limits are set by herself (and the laws of physics). I am going to stand up after every fall. For those who have helped me stand up again, thank you all very much for your love.

I hear an awesome song by DaveDays today. It's called 'Olive You'. And it somehow describes how I feel recently. I like the concept of Olive you. Say it a few times, and it really sounds like another phrase. And that is the whole point of the song. It is about getting those words out.

Olive you.

Olive you, senpai. Getit? =)

Today was another day of waste. Time and money. I wished I could do something more with my time. Instead of travelling to and fro Sengkang and PGP. I somehow feel like I have already wasted time travelling since 4 years ago. I always don't feel like doing work at home.

Anyway talking about cheer. I'm feeling a little stressed regarding that. Nothing about the time of the CCA. Just that they are proceeding too damn fast, and I always feel like I can't do it. My ankle is hurt and I push myself on because everyone is going so fast. If I miss just one day, I miss so much.

I don't want to be pulling the team down. Yet with my ankle, I can't. If I skip, I lag. If I don't, my ankle takes a freaking long time to heal. Don't know what to do, so stressed.

Why

2010-08-26T06:49:00.003+08:00

I was wearing a mask for the entire second half of the day today. I may seem smiley, cheery, and optimistic.

Yet I am utterly disappointed. For once in quite some time, I didn't put in my best effort today. The interview sucked. The questions couldn't register. I didn't know what to answer. I obviously screwed up. For something I want to do, I seriously screwed up.

All I could tell myself is that what's done is done. I tell others that if they want me, then want.. Don't want then don't want. But that's not what's running through my mind. If they didn't want me, I deserve it, seriously... But there's no use thinking about stuff right now because I can say that I can't make it. For the simple reason that I didn't try my best.

(Pardon my next sentence.)
F*** that. I didn't make it. It doesn't matter. I deserve it.
As I always believed, leadership and me don't go together. I don't get a title for myself. I just lead by being who I am. This is the last straw. I do not need a freaking title.

Thanks for all the love, people. I've let you down. I'm sorry.

Now cheer is threatening me. I saw how stressful it was today. I just had this feeling I can't make it.

I can't make it for anything.

I just feel like having someone yell at me right now.

Bored out

2010-08-25T13:35:00.001+08:00

Currently slacking at th sci club room. The reason is... I woke up at
abt 830, then went to uhc for my burn. The ppl there just dressed the
wound and told me to leave it on for 3 days. Btw, the chlorhexidine
wash stung like omgwthpainpain. But still, tolerable. :p I also bought
Avamys from there and wow super reasonable price!!

Was advised to rest my foot, but I dunno man... Wun it be bad
impression for cheer if I report sick on the first few practice
sessions?

Damn. I am so bored. Didn't bring any materials. Nothing even to
doodle on. Currently with snr Sean. If it wasn't for him I wun dare to
step in the sci club room lor.

Okay man, signing off. This is draining my iPhone batt. See ya around,
dear readers! :)

Supposed to be on facebook, but nvm

2010-08-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to copy-paste this note, and answer all the questions. At the end, choose 15 people to be tagged - including the person who tagged you.

ABC About You Questions:
A - AVAILABLE: Yes.
B - BIRTHDAY: Sept 11, 1991... Remember la.
C - CRUSHING ON: wah. Awkward question. If you wanna know then u ask me personally.
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Apart from water, Koi milk tea.
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Nobody, I don't find anyone easiest to talk to.
F - FAVORITE SONG: I'm Yours?
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears.
H - HOMETOWN: Singapore. Ang Mo Kio, I guess.
I - IN LOVE WITH: I don't have a boyfriend. But for non-human, I say... Domo-kun!
J - JUGGLE: Two only.
K - KILLED SOMEONE: I killed someone in Ragnarok Online PvP.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: To Malaysia lorh.
M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Lactose intolerant, I dun really go for milkshakes.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: none
O - ONE WISH: one of the many wishes is to find someone who loves me. More specifically, a guy.
P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: Crystalyn?
R- REASON TO SMILE: I helped raise funds for Project Angel today, together with my sp.
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Crush by David Archuleta
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 10am
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR/PATTERN: Purple.
V - VEGETABLE(S): are healthy.
W - WORST HABIT: Worrying too much.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: 3. Head for a bad fall as a kid, hip for any dislocation, and chest for NUS
Y – YOYOS ARE: boring.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: virgo/goat.

Random Questions About You:
Spell your name without vowels: cssndr ng
What color do you wear most?: Black or Yellow.
What are you listening to?: Breathe by Faith Hill
Are you happy with your life right now?: Sort of?
What is your favorite class in school?: GEM1003- Intro to theatre and drama
When do you start back at school/college?: started.
Are you outgoing?: yea, unless the person is someone fierce.
Favorite pair of shoes?: the little one with the little ribbon on it
Where do you wish you were right now?: beside the person I love.

THE CANS:
Can you dance?: if u teach me.
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: dun think so.
Can you whistle?: yep.
Write with both hands?: write, can... ugly only lorh.
Walk with your toes curled?: yep, i do that when the floor is dirty.

THE DO'S:
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: very faraway ones, yes.
Do you believe in miracles?: yes.
Do you believe in magic?: it's all an illusion.
Love at first sight?: maybe.
Do you believe in Satan?: Satan = evil. But I dun listen to him.
Do you believe in Santa?: I used to, until my Dad started denying all the time he didnt buy it.
Do you know how to swim?: yes.
Do you like roller coasters?: Yea.
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: gawd no.

THE HAVES:
Have you ever been on a plane?: yep!
Have you ever asked someone out?: yea.
Have you ever been asked out by someone?: yes.
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Guess so?
Have you ever painted your nails?: yea.

THE WHATS:
What is the temperature outside?: dunno, dun care.
What radio station do you listen to?: 913.
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Forgot.
What was the last thing you bought?: dinner.
What was the last thing on TV you watched?: NDP?

THE WHOS:
Who was the last person you IM'd?: Dryads + Eugene.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?: myself!
Who was the last person you said I love you to?: Dun know.

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yarhh.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yarhh.
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: nope.
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Ya.
Do you cry when you get an injury?: No.
Do certain songs make you cry?: When it perfectly describes me emo mood.

HAPPY SECTION.
Are you a happy person?: Generally, yea. After closer examination, not all the time.
What can make you happy?: Friends that care.
Do you wish you were happier?: Yep.
Can music make you happy?: Depends.

LOVE SECTION.
How many times have you had your heart broken?: Once.
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: Not really.

LOOK AT ME.
What is your current hair color?: Dark brown, natural.
Current piercings?: Ears.
Have any tattoos?: Nope.
Eye color?: Very dark brown.

IN A BOY/GIRL:
Favorite eye color: No preference.
Short or long hair: Doesn't matter, it just has to suit them.
Height: At least my height.
Best clothing: Something comfortable to them.

HAVE YOU EVER
Been to jail: Nope.
Mooned someone: No.
Laughed so hard you cried: Yea.
Cried in school: Yep.
Thrown up in a store: Cant remember any.
Done something really stupid that you still laugh at today: Yea. Falling down twice this year.
Gone skinny dipping: Nope.

THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: McD coz it's cheaper.
Single or Group Dates: Doesn't matter as long as it's a date.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Sorbet.
Strawberries or Blueberries: strawberries.
Meat or Veggies: Balance.
TV or Movie: Movies.
Guitar or Drums?: Guitar.
Adidas or Nike: Nike.
Chinese or Mexican: Chinese.
Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Corn flakes.
Cake or Pie: Cake.
MTV or VH1: No idea.

Blogging in school

2010-08-17T14:57:00.002+08:00

Hanging out with Alvin, HoLun, Jacqueline, Simon, and Shuhadah. Waiting for 2900 to start, at 4pm.

Anyway today was quite a long day, started with Practical session for Theatre and Drama.

It was quite a fun session. Crystalyn and I couldn't find the venue, so were late although we were around there at the correct time. Walked one whole big round before we went to the general office of FASS. Then we were told it was somewhere... it was near LT13, where we started.

The tcher was quite fierce, but then was quite fun later on. Basically just doing exercises and playing games for the entire 2 hours.

After that had to rush back to FoS for biochem lecture. Met Caitlin. The lecture was really boring, almost all we learnt before, and only littletiny bits inbetween that seemed new.

Then, had lunch with people. Went to get my Koi milk tea. I actually finished the whole cup omg.

So here I am now. slacking.

Having minor stomach pains, all for the good of charity. But no worries, it will pass soon.

I hope I get into cheerleading... Ytd was cheerleading tryout. Can't fly as well coz I have always been basing for people.

School really started

2010-08-12T20:48:00.002+08:00

It has only been like, the third day and it feels like school's started for a long time! Like, there is a tutorial to do. I've completed it till the 2nd last question because I began to be very unsure of myself, so I stopped.

Anyway tomorrow is Night Rider day so I will sleep well during the day, and become nocturnal for tomorrow. Yay. Must remember to bring my snr cardies.

Bah, things have been average I guess. Apart from school, I mean. But I have to mention, Theatre and Drama seems to be an interesting module. Now, I gotta think that way for 2900 too...

Ok, apart from school life, there's still the social life, right? ^-^

So far, my SP and I are still talking la. So I will say a big thank you to Angel for being so patient, and also being so friendly! How many of you still talk to your SP, huh huh huh?
=P

Although, we're just good friends la. I don't see our SP friendship going anywhere else as of now. He's single, but nobody will know if he's available or not. What does evergreen really mean, does it mean, never been in a relationship and available, or wad?

Coz green means single and available. So what about ever-green?! If someone hasn't been in a relationship, and is not available, do they say ever-green, or amber?

Seriously...

Sorry la, I perfectionist until need to get things defined properly, cannot meh?!

In any case, I'm green, and not setting my sights la. Just get to know more friends, get to know current friends better. And then see where fate brings these friendships lorh!

Happy ok liao!

What is this?

2010-08-10T20:49:00.002+08:00

So far, I've fallen down two times.

Grats, Cassie... This is your year for falling down.

Anyways, school started. Yeah, nothing much to blog about. Except that 2900 is quite a boring module as of now.

I am... confused, and floating along with the wind. I don't even know where I'm going, and I'm doing what I feel like doing.

Somehow, I feel that this is my year for change. And that everything bad will be gone, and the good will come to me. It is that moment. Or is it? Is it only what I want to feel and not real?

In any case, I do hope that after years of having nightmares, the next will be a sweet dream.

I lose face!

2010-08-05T23:41:00.000+08:00

Today was part 2 of Orientation. Also, I passed my Final Theory Test for driving, so yay me~
Bought chocolates for my OG (and my SP).

Anyway today was performance day, so Sylvans actually put up quite a good performance. I was the sun for Teletubbies, and so I was smiling retardedly the whole time I was on stage. Thanks to Kangwei and Nicholas for lifting me, haha! I bet my SP was laughing.

After that we had our night games. Quite disgusting. Got tired really fast.

Then came the reason for me losing my face.

I was half asleep, not looking where I was going... Then hah! I saw my SP, so I said hi and waved. Just as I waved, I missed a step and fell. SHIT!#$%^$%^$#%

No face edi la.. T-T

Talking about Tioman

2010-08-04T11:29:00.002+08:00

I'm talking about the Tioman Trip we had last year, where there were no teachers involved.

So... that 4D3N Tioman trip is one of my most major project so far that I have planned. I mean, well, not say planned... but got everything in order.

Getting people to attend was difficult. Some people wanted, but I can't have too many people. And then people who wanted, then didn't want to at the end... Some people in the lvl were pissed coz of closed invitations only... And then we had to settle rooming issues...

To top it off, we didn't have any teachers coming along.

Eventually, stuff were settled. And we had fun, no?

Things got really crazy when we received the stuff that we cancelled off to fit our budget. We received an additional lunch, and the boating trip.

Boating trip was unexpected. Held a vote to see how many people wanted the trip. Eventually we went for it. The best thing about that is that since we booked as a group, we had a whole boat to ourselves. We saw the other boat packed with people, and we laughed.

Also, there was a storm! We actually snorkelled in the storm OMG. We even saw a water sprout in the distance. But everybody was fine =)

Another interesting point was Theo's birthday. He were hoping he wouldn't fall asleep before 12am, but he did anyway. So we woke him up for a surprise. Everyone was in the room singing happy birthday and watching the video a few people helped to make. Mao and Roy gave him a toffee for his birthday, haha!

Then Rad, Gel, and I went out to get him some cocktails for his 18th birthday since he sorta likes alcohol and he can drink it legally xD

Ahh... those memories. I would do it again lar, but so tough now. Very tiring to plan actually. But worth it when you see the smiles on people's faces. Like they really want to be part of it.

And that is when you know everything is well.

Orientation, oh orientation

2010-08-03T22:15:00.003+08:00

So lots of stuff has happened.

Orientation day 3 was hmm... crazy. That day was amazing race day, and it's one of the toughest amazing races I've experienced so far. There were 8 zones, and we only managed to complete 3. Coz each zone has various stations. The school one was crazy, just coz we had to wait super long for the buses. And even if they came, it would be packed to the max.

So after a long school zone, we went to Orchard. That was a roadblock! So we didn't get points for that zone. There was free ice cream, so I guess that made up for it. First station there was broken charades. It was 'car accident'. But they couldn't guess. So Gavan had to have his hair gelled. Shu did the gelling, and then Gavan commented, "Now I look like the Space director." LOLS!

After that was some Sony station. And the ice cream station. When it was done, it was sorta late, so we just bought Macs, sat there, and ate for a really long time. While cracking jokes, brainy lame stuff, and celebrated Qin Lei's birthday.

We still managed to get back to Harboufront for another zone/station! And bypassed Lavander.

Oh yes, we had Secret Pals revelation that day. But it wasn't very special for me and King Angel since we already know our identities. Nevertheless, he did talk more that day so it was reassuring that I wasn't a lousy person to him.

Tired.

Day 4 was the sentosa games. Really fun. But really icky as well. Got burnt like pancakes after that. War games was screwed. The other 3 houses ganged up against us the Sylvans!!! But fortunately, we had extra help for the Orientation committee. Made us feel so proud. Overall I think Sylvans are the most bonded, and most able to listen well, do well, and do it confidently.

Sylvans rock!

I waved to my SP that day. (:

After Sentosa, was back home for Sunday.

Then come Monday, was Freshmen Inauguration Ceremony. Mum and Dad drove down so I could check into PGPR. Was kind of a rush, but managed to make it on time for everything. FIC was sorta boring, but impt, I guess. Took photos after the ceremony.

After the ceremony, we went to IMM for dinner at Fish & Co. Billy knows palm reading OMG... Anyway we took a lot of photos there. Headed back to PGP.

There was some drama as I couldn't connect to internet in my room. Turns out my wireless was buggy on startup. -_- False alarm. Always have com problems the first day. Suay.

Anyway, then came today. FLAG day. OMG it was so tough! People didn't want to donate! To make things worse, other faculty people keep flanking us and then we were sandwhiched in the middle and had no people to donate.

BTW, I woke up at 4.30am today to make it to Tampines by 6.40am. I then spent $9 cabbing from PGP to Buona Vista MRT by booking.

WTH.

Next time right, just donate la! 10cents also sua la! Doesnt matter, it's the thought that counts! And the sticker too.

Tired.

Orientation day 2

2010-07-30T01:05:00.001+08:00

Today is occupied firstly by cors, then wet and dirty games. Played
lots of games that were really wet and dirty. And while playing I
found my secret pal, secretly.

Anyway was super enthu throughout the day. Got the whole group
laughing when playing the cards slide thing. Oh I believe it is called
butt slide. And I got the last winning card for the group!

After that felt really gao wei coz of sticky fbt. Urgh! And stupid
clothes soap that just won't get off.

Dinner, then sp games. We identified each other. This guy beside me
asked where I was from, then I answered NUS High. My secret pal was
behind and so he said, "Hi SP!"

Budden after that he sorta pangsehed me, and went to hang out with
some other ppl or the other seniors. Sigh.

Games were quite interesting la. But I guess more interaction is better lor...

Camp first day

2010-07-29T08:23:00.001+08:00

First day of camp was quite decent. Green house go! Somehow green
houses have lots if extra stuff lol. So I'm in Sylvans the green
house, under subgroup Dryads!!

Went to NUS super early... And then they started with briefing. Ice
breakers were just cheers and simple games. Got to know new people.
Then here were talks and more station games. Super fun! We didn't win
a lot but still had fun la.

I somehow got a bruise on my finger, no idea how, but it hurts when I
bend my finger. At least still can bend right?

Secret pals next. My secret pal is a senior oh man... But i still
can't guess who. Anyway secret pals only benefit single ppl (like me)
la... They should just split into attached a single so the correct ppl
will be matched. Right?!?

Then showering was a pain. Showered with water bottles.

Social night and today

2010-07-23T22:00:00.002+08:00

So last night I went for OCS Foxtrot Wing's Social Night. It was an interesting experience. With thanks to Chris (my oniichan) for inviting me. First times. First time getting involved with army stuff/event, first time getting flowers.

Funny stuff that happened include... Some guy giving a speech, and he ended with, "...and enjoy your night, your 'dake's look fantastic!" Read it aloud and you get what's so funny.
Also, a group of army guys started singing "Ban Ban Deeban, Ban Ban Deeban Ban" coz they were talking about LTA Deeban. (I hope I dun get the army terms wrong)

Today, went to Science Dean's Welcome Tea. Long day. Long talks. Too many people. Too little buses. At a glance, sorry, but there are no cute guys around. No eyecandy, only sour plums :(

Went off after Life Sciences talk. Decided to watch a movie when I reached Vivo. And watched the Sorceror's Apprentice. A very nice movie! But it's better to watch it on bigscreen, so can see the special effects better.

Ethan Peck is in it!! Although just a minor role. Still, so awesome to see him acting in there!

Oh wells, that's about it for today.

What abt today?

2010-07-22T00:20:00.003+08:00

Today was a fine day. Stayed at home all day, reading Sherrilyn Kenyon's books and playing Maple. I'm starting to be be a little happier with regards to Maple, with respect to yesterday's post.

And there you go, it's me. And my maple bf. I'm still confused as to what we are, it's in between best friend and boyfriend. But we, in real life, have our hearts in someone else. Coincidentally, the girl he really likes doesn't like him in that way. And in my case it's the other gender. So yea, we're sorta weird. We are besties, definitely. But since we go around Maple together most of the time we just decided to be well, yea. It also definitely makes our guild members happy, and he can finally be in the family without being "related" to my two crazy didis. Okay, actually one crazy and one less crazy.

OMG, WOT! (Wall of Text)

Ian, if you happen to see this. Yep.

Hi.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. I shall survive!

I feel so guilty today for buying cash items. ARGH! Need to stop spending money on cash.

But then again, I did work and have extra money for the things I like. Seeing how I don't splurge on fashion items IRL.

I dunno how Mel and Gel do it, but I seriously can't buy shoes and clothes like that. Really can't spend that much. I will go home and cry if I spend lots of fashion stuff. I'd rather my mum paid for the clothes and shoes.

Alright. Busy day tmr, ciaoz!

Can't forget

2010-07-21T00:34:00.002+08:00

I can't bring myself to forget about you. I can't bring myself to walk away, turn away and not look back. I can't.

The most painful truth is that you aren't going to return. Even if you did, it wouldn't be for me. You have your own life and I know you are never going to include me in it.

I still remember those times when you were the only one who didn't forget about me and leave me behind. I remember that time when I took you in when everyone forgot about you. What about you finally giving me a title I wanted? Perhaps it was just a lie. But those memories are definitely real.

The way I felt about you. Definitely real. The best thing for me to do now is to leave you alone before I get more hurt. All you heard from me was an 'I really like you'. But it wasn't sufficient to describe what I felt about you.

I still continue to do so, but I don't act on them anymore. It makes me feel trapped, but anything for you. If you detest me, I will stay away. Indeed I am trapped. Waiting foolishly for you to return. I know you won't.

I should be happy. Even if an online friend isn't real, the person on the other side is. A person is loving and caring for me while I am online. I should be happy.

Dang. I still can't do it. It's as if the only solution was for you to come back.

On the topic of love...

2010-07-19T00:54:00.002+08:00

I just have this random urge to type this post because I feel that the overall love in this world is on the decline. People are getting more selfish, more work-orientated, and they take a lot of people for granted.

Or maybe it's just me. At least 19 months without those kind of love that fills me up inside has taught me a lot about love.

What I feel for a really long time, is what I never want to go through anymore. At times, when things are good, it feels average, like this is where you are supposed to be. But when things get really bad, and you have nobody to turn to and nobody to comfort you... It has got to be the worst feeling ever. You feel really really tired but you can't fall asleep, want to cry but you can't because it means nothing, want to get it off your chest but you can't.

I never really turned to my parents' love until sometime last year. I always assumed it was there, and at times when I feel lousy and useless... that my parents would encourage me, and love me, and feel that I am special to them. When I wanted my parents' love, I realised that they replaced it with gifts and money. My mum would love me, but she doesn't understand anything I tell her anymore. Her way of helping me is to force me to believe that those aren't problems, or rather, her problem. My dad doesn't think I'm special in any way. And when he does that, my mum is inclined to believe I'm nothing special anymore. I don't have those filling love from them anymore.

All this has led to me being a perfectionist. I can't make any mistakes because nobody will be there to help, and if I do, people will never stop blaming me for them. It's like, they aren't helping yet they put all the blame on you. And everyday, this burden gets heavier and heavier.

Being deprived of attention and love, I have now come to realise that giving love is easy, but just that little bit of love can make someone's day easier to get through. One less insult a day, one more sentence of encouragement... is like a sip of water in the desert.

Without love, people will be constantly drained, become increasingly depressed, and wish for the end of the world.

I try to have my parents love me more, but it isn't working. So on top of me now having low self-esteem, they aren't even putting in any effort to tell me i'm special. They can't even lie for a moment and tell me that I am special to them omg.

So like my facebook says.. I need someone to take care of me. I don't want to do everything alone anymore. I don't want to be alone when the world ends. I want to be loved like a child craves for candy. And I want to feel special.

I've got a bad feeling

2010-07-17T00:32:00.003+08:00

School has already been the death of me, even though it hasn't started yet. I am apalled by the inefficiency of it all, and how everything is all vague and stuff.

Tomorrow, is supposedly the day for the briefing for Science Orientation Week. But just this afternoon, I received an email from them saying that I am on the waitlist now because of overwhelming response.

Woah, seriously? You can only tell me that the afternoon before the briefing?

At the moment of my sign up, you should have freaking told me sooner. So I will be mentally prepared, and not expect myself to be at your stupid briefing, then you turn me down. You should have known where your damn quota is, and inform everyone else outside the quota as soon as possible.

Also, you did not state anywhere if there was a deadline for application. I seriously don't know what the fhell is going on because your "awesome" website is permanently under construction. If it is like that, how the fhell do I know what is going on, then how do I sign up for it?!

Not only that, your enquiry system is shut. It's not working, there is no such page for me to submit. What is wrong with you? Not accepting questions anymore? Can't be bothered?

If anyone needs an orientation programme, I do! I'm the first person in my family that's entering a university, so I do not know a single shit about university life. And it's thanks to people like you who screw it up for me.

Maybe university life is like that, no schedule. No efficiency. Can't even be bothered about what you're planning. Eh?

Makes me so darn pissed! It's not the first time I've experienced problems like that regarding university, and I haven't even started! Is the nation's top university even supposed to be this chaotic? Even the buldings look like they are messed up.

Wth is wrong with them!

I hate this skin

2010-07-15T10:57:00.002+08:00

OMG I need to change my blogskin because I can't post two posts in a day which is really annoying.

And I'm supposed to get ready for my driving soon but here I am typing this blogpost. This is how much I love yall.

Anyway, these few days I have been having fun. I haven't been out, apart from getting materials for my mum's birthday surprise. I'm talking about Maple!

The game itself is annoying, but the people in it are awesome. It reminds me why my first boyfriend is an online dude I never met. Because in the real world, I'm not anybody interesting, not excceptionally pretty. I'm not special enough for people to take notice. But online that doesn't matter anymore.

I've been invited into a guild and in a few days, I have two didi and alot of great friends. And none of them would ignore me, we just basically talk in the guild channel, and I end up laughing more than I would in real life.

Not to mention, we aren't some characters with insanely high levels to pwn other noobs. We are just people with different character levels mingling together, having fun, laughing (ingame and real life).

In real life, everyone is just fighting to get something. Some want to get more money, some want to go overseas, whatever it is. I don't see such fun interacting with others in real life, probably because there is a tendency to be ignored.

I feel special yet again being on MapleStory talking to these friends who haven't seen me in person other than the pictures on my facebook profile.

Ian yesterday ask me how can anyone diss me because I'm so fun to be with. Yea take that, suckas! Just because I ain't the prettiest chic in town doesn't mean I'm not fun.

So seriously, I totally get why people game. Some people are purely addicted, but there are those people who seek comfort and company in a bunch of online buddies that never bring them down, never judge them based on their looks. What matters is who you are.

Okay, maybe there are some that are really fake but I'm not talking about them.

What's sad is that I have to return to facing real people who judge yet again, based on looks. Because I have to study at uni, a subject that is not my first choice. I want to have these friends who I can joke and laugh with, because their words are what I will never hear in real life.

Birthday

2010-07-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today is my mum's birthday. I celebrated it with her by springing two
surprises on her. First I went to popular to get stuff to make a
placard that read 'happy birthday'. Then went to The Icing Room to
decorate a cake for her.

She was very delighted and surprised! And I felt so accomplished!

Man... How I wished I could have a birthday like that... Actually she
had another surprise by her friends at work. So... In all a very happy
day for her.

Most people want to take a day off on their birthdays. But I actually
want to be at work or school on my birthday. My parents aren't the
type who will plan parties or any surprises so birthdays at home sucks
the worst. I want to be around people, people who will wish me happy
birthday, or song me a birthday song.

This year, I give up. I am not going to plan anything for my birthday.
I am sick of planning stuff for myself. It's my birthday why should I
have to be I charge if everything? If I mean enough to people, they
would do something. And if I dun, I dun need to plan a party just to
increase my popularity of stuff like that.

Other people have surprises on their birthdays. And I don't. I don't
get a huge group of people singing the birthday song, or have an
unplanned outing for that. My birthday is one I have to celebrate
myself. And I am going to change that.

It is time I trust my friends with stuff like that. If they don't, I
will just say happy birthday to myself at 11:59pm on 11 sep. That's
it. I don't want to be planning any grand stuff for myself because I
am really really really sick of it.

I am back

2010-07-10T23:33:00.002+08:00

Haven't been blogging in a while because I've been having fun without work. Anyway, not many people read my blog. Once again thanking all who are reading.

Many things have happened, but I umm... mainly reached my goal of being lvl 70 priest in MapleStory. Also, resuming my driving, and spending lots of time resting.

Frown

2010-06-16T23:25:00.002+08:00

These few days have been weird. Been constantly worried/upset/stressed, coz there's been lots of things, but I can't remember all of them.

Today was alright in the front part. Didn't work at the counters today, and was instead encouraged to stay at the desk to scan and upload patient records. Cleared a whole thick pile, to my senior's delight. I still have a lot more thicker piles to go. I don't think I can do it tmr coz there would be two docs so... Too bad.

Gladly stayed (unpaid) from 3 to 6.30pm to scan more stuff. There's nothing to do at home, so I rather stay and have somebody to talk to.

Oh talking about somebody. There were newcomers at work this week, and they're all a lot older than me. But they both aunties seem to like me so much, they keep coming to talk to me, and ask me questions and all that. Sometimes they seem more motherly than my own mum, lol.

Miss my compy, still. Using this old computer seriously ticks me off. Everything is about 100 times slower. And I bet it's full of bloody viruses.

Can't even have a perfect day.

Done with First Aid

2010-06-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

One goal accomplished. I finally got my Community First Aid certification today, and being a First Aider has been a goal of mine since some time ago. Thanks to H1N1, couldn't get it done fast.

Big thank you to SGH IMSE, staff over there and Mr Roger Tan (the instructor) for helping me fulfill my goal! Oh, and Hidayah for being my partner.

So.. Theory was fine, I guess. The situational test was a bit screwy for me coz it was mostly imaginary and thus need to ask a few questions and I missed that part.

Overall, fun, and done! Hurray I can save lives now!

Oh ya, doing CPR is crazily tiring. Have to use a lot of force, press until my hand redred lorh. But I think when emergency stuff happen like that in real life, we won't go and think and complain like that. Sore hand still better than dead man.

I still miss my compy. Wonder where it is right now, if it's placed properly. I aways have a constant fear of it being lost. I mean, things screw up and that's inevitable... But seeing how suay I am... I really hope I won't be suay this time. I hope compy will be well and still remember me when its back.

In the meantime, Mio TV is keeping me company. Watching documentaries. The awesome thing is that they have Life of Mammals by David Attenborough now! So having lots of fun watching that. Who doesn't love Attenborough's documentaries, right?

Alright, getting sleepy. Nights night.

How could this happen to me....

2010-06-14T23:02:00.000+08:00

Argh! Can my life be smooth for once and not kick me in the ass over and over again?

My precious Compaq has been sent for repairs due to a faulty CD reader. I don't really know what they're going to to do it, since it is a hardware problem. Some dude ytd told me that they are going to wipe its memory either way.

It's seriously like doing surgery for a common cold! I said the hardware is spoilt, and it is, so why do you need to remove all the data!!! In any case, the most important thing is what happens if my OS is wiped as well. Shit Microsoft/Best Denki/HP-Compaq doesn't provide the OS disk when they sell the laptop. Should be so for other computers as well.

So for Compaq computers they have the recovery manager thing, where they help you create your own set of backup disks. I think that will restore the OS? If not, how does anyone get the OS back on whenever they need it?! Well, as I said, MY CD READER IS SPOILT. So how in the poot do I create those pro backup disk sets they are talking about?!

So just bloody fix the hardware and leave my harddrive alone pretty please with 1000 cherries on top!

Anyway, so pissed off right now with this frustrating XP computer. And why does everyone LOVE firefox anyway, it is so retarded I can't even open my mails on gmail. What is wrong with everything!?!?!

BAHH!!!

Going to IMSE to learn First Aid tomorrow. Pretty interesting, but I can't concentrate while worrying about my computer. I seriously don't trust the dudes with TLC for my lovely laptop. I hope they put it in a box or something, and not stack the laptops up like pizzas. That will suck.

Oh yes, I watched some documentary on Mio TV about parasites. So icky, but very informative! Gosh, there is just so much to watch on Mio TV, so I hope it can tide me through this period of retarded computer days.

Gonna go sleep. Life isn't bringing me where I want to go, so the next best thing is to create my own world in my dreams. Have a break from the terrible reality life has plopped us in to.

Do you have that feeling that life just gives you what you need to barely survive? Like if you're starving and about to die, then life gives you this worm/grub to eat, tells you it's full of nutrients and proteins and fat, and then it's the only thing you get to eat. So you eat it, and you can't die, but you're still starving.

Sad feeling. That is roughly how it feels sometimes when people don't get the extent of your perseverance and tells you that it's just (insert something trivial), just one more, at least you have something (that you can't do anything with)... Because we've had enough of eating grubs all the time, we're hungry, and we need some substantial "food".

Substantial! Little joys aren't gonna make you the happiest person on earth.

Perfection

2010-06-07T23:22:00.002+08:00

Perfection is scary. It is seldom seen, so when it does appear, it is scary. It's like holding a million-dollar note in your hands. And then I wonder if it is real. If it is, now what? What do I do with it? Using it will cause it to lose its perfection, leaving it would make the effort wasted.

For me, the perfect guy would be one who, obviously, loves me a whole lot. Physical appearance wise, nice smile, good hair, clean and neat appearance. Well-built, fit but not too muscly, not too short. Other stuff like, good attitude, decent personality, hardworking and responsible, kind and polite, patient and understanding.

But if I do meet that guy, seriously... I won't even know what to do with him. I'll just stand there and either be awed, or slapping and pinching myself and ask if this is real.

Side note: This reminds me of a very wish-fulfilling dream that I got last year while napping. Good scenario, too good to be true, so perfect. And I just had to ask the question if this was a dream. The person replied, "Of course, with things that good, it is always a dream."

So yea, when things get too good, slap yourself and check if it is. If not, just ask. Don't ask me, though, I will answer you as above.

Work today was shit crazy. Monday sees the crankiest, impatient people at the clinic. We also have the moodiest, shortest-fuse doctor on duty. So not only did the patients blow up today, our doctor did too. The only victims - clinical assisstants.

Because of some miscommunication between HR and doctor, cranky doctor was uber late. Because he thought there was going to be a locum on duty, so he sent his car for maintenance. Then when he got the situation, he damn angrily rushed over in a cab. Not only that, he left his cellphone in the cab.

He got here 1.5hours after clinic opening time. So the patients were firing at us. Pressuring us to call the doctor to find out where he is. But his cell is missing. What can we do???

Patients blew up one by one. The doctor came and dropped the imperial bomb on us.
So, we died today. And got ressurected eventually.

After that went to watch Killers with JunYup.

The storyline isn't THAT impressive, but eye candy Ashton Kutcher and the pretty Katherine Heigl... Makes up for it. Funny movie though ^.^

Being of value

2010-06-02T23:53:00.002+08:00

It's a tough thing. What makes someone valuable to another? Is it skills, talent, usefulness, personality, character, moral values, physical appearance, or what?

Everyone wants to mean something to someone. I am no exception. I want to have someone to live for everyday, someone who will be happy just to see me there, happy to see me smile. And I would be important to that someone.

I don't want to have to work extra hours every single day, just for someone to like me because they can just use me to cover their leaves and MCs.
I don't want to have to do something which I absolutely hate just for someone to find me important.

Isn't there just THAT someone on this Earth that can be happy just by me being me?
And where is that someone because I need you now.

What about my parents? Okay, seriously, they don't really care. All I have to do is spend within their limits and they can't be bothered. I can yell and scream and ask for them... Dad doesn't even care, he just tunes me out. And Mum just sleeps through everything.

Imagine next time when I have some emergency. Let's say I choke on something and can't breathe. So I will make lots of noise, flailing to attract someone's attention. Then Dad just plays his Bejeweled, and Mum just tells me to shut up.

Just great. I will just die in that situation. (Unless I can do the Heimlich Maneuver on myself)

I don't know who reads my blog exactly, but if you get sick of reading this, just know that this is my blog, and I post anything I want. My blog is the only way to get my frustrations out because there is nobody who I can talk to anytime. I think anybody would be sick of listening to me rant about the same issues. But trust me, I am doing all I can to change the situations I am stuck in right now. I don't need anymore of you guys telling me to shut up because I already have nobody who can fully understand the situation, and that leads to me having nobody to talk to.

You know I can't have a night where I can sleep easily. I hate and am sick of the fact that I wake up to an empty home every morning. I wake up and immediately I'm alone. This is my home, and I am all alone. The aircon in my room is never cold, because it's already freezing cold at home. I sleep late every night because I don't want to wake up to a brand new lonely day.

I come home from work to yet an empty home.

I wait and wait for my parents to come home. And when they do, they are so absorbed in that DAMNED channel 8 show. When that is over, Dad goes to surf his internet, and Mum falls asleep in that cursed sofa. I call for her and she never replies. I wake her up and she tells me to piss off. So I get in my room and wait, again. Then she comes in after like 11.30pm. And she pretends to be interested in my life but actually she just wants to fall asleep on my bed. I took a photo to prove it, but I'm not going to post it here because I don't want to come to my blog and see that scene I absolutely hate.

Obviously I'm ranting here. Obviously I'm very frustrated and angry right now. And I obviously need a miracle in my life. Right about now.

First day of rest

2010-06-01T00:01:00.003+08:00

I can finally go home on time today from work, which explains my blog post title.

So... I woke up today to a freaking itchy face, and was tolerating it without scratching for the whole day. If I could, I'd swear those pimples off my face.

Anyway, work was a crawl today. But since it's the school holidays, crowd reduced by a whopping 20%. Also, people were slightly more patient today, which is good. Reason being all medication are to be checked by the doctor-in-charge.

This is all thanks to a colleague who is super damn careless and causes lots of insecurities to a lot of people.

When the gynae started, it was a little more chaotic, but it's still alright.

Went home and watched Nanny 911 on MioTV. It's quite interesting to see those pesky kids change to little angels. But those families really needed outside help coz the kids dun listen to their parents much, but when outsiders start scolding they would feel like they should listen.

It's the same with every family.

Valid reminders never work. Valid advice never listens. You need an outsider to scold before anyone stubborn gets anything down.

But then that reminds me of my own family, although it isn't chaotic. In fact, it's not chaotic at all. It's just too quiet. Mum and Dad comes home to sleep. And they aren't understanding that I need some attention!!

Not like people who have attention yet crave for more, I really need some because the attention level I get at home is pretty low.

I get asked to do this, do that... Help with this, help with that... Change this setting on the phone, change this setting on facebook, spelling all sorts of words, writing all sorts of words, faxing, scanning, photocopying...

That's all I do at home for my parents. After I'm done, then they're done with interacting with me.

I try to communicate. I tell them that I'm lonely at home, I don't like it when they come home to watch a show and they sleep. Told my mum that I want her to come hang around with me and talk to me. She just doesn't.

She tells me to shut up.

I'm serious.

Tireded day

2010-05-29T00:36:00.002+08:00

Don't comment on my grammar usage. It doesn't matter, this is not an essay.

So today i went to Gel's house, which Mel was there too. We baked cookies. Loads of them. Then Gel painted nails for Mel, and she pasted swarovski crystals onto my thumbs. More specifically, the nails on my thumbs. They are very sparkly right now.

*dazzles*

After which, I went to buy acne plasters, coz there are two hugeass nodules/cysts thingies on my face. These bad skin never leaves me. I can forget about ever being pretty. The best thing to do is to see a doctor, but seriously, not going to for now. All these acne scars from so many years past... They aren't going to magic off my face.

Reaching home, was made to shower then dragged out so that Dad can get a watch for himself. Which he did at Compasspoint. Can't stand all the lies he spoke. Gah. Whatever.

Then ate at the Hougang area. They over-steamed the fish... so what was supposed to be nice, wasn't nice at all.

See, I told you. There's never been a smooth day. Sometime in the day, some thing is bound to screw up. Sigh. And i totally wasn't willing for these kind of random stuff to happen. I was actually praying for a good day today.

And tomorrow, and many more after that.

I realised that when I want to know more about something regarding NUS, I have to spend a long time, open many many tabs on the browser, and in the end, be unable to find the information I need.

In this case today, I was trying to figure out why I still can't apply for the LPP. Anybody knows why? The applications for freshmen AY2010/11 was stated to be "around 27 May". But seriously, a university giving vague information?

That really, really, annoys me.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE INFORMATION ABOUT THE LPP?????

Oh, I recently also got a stethoscope from my Dad. Coz I use his credit card, and then he pays for it. Obviously he knows, he actually went with me to get one. Been having fun with it. Listening around for the breath sounds and heartbeats.

Empty survival

2010-05-25T22:15:00.003+08:00

I feel like such an inanimate object right now.

Yesterday, was requested to stay till 4pm, and she turned up at 5pm.
Today, she request me to stay till freaking 6pm!

What's more suay, one of the staff took MC today, so it's a really tough thing to do.
It's not that I can't stay, it's that I'm not supposed to stay! Yes, I still get paid, but it's about doing something fair to me.

Her excuse was that some Dr wanted her to stay till 6pm, and that she is also waiting for a delivery to come in. One thing I learnt about excuses, if it's genuine, then only ONE reason is sufficient. You don't have to keep coming up with shitloads of excuses.

But let's just assume that it's true. So a doctor wants you to stay then you stay? Other people then don't need to care la? Sengkang branch die also not your business? I tired like shit also not your business? Some more, the deal was 4pm, always. You're always late, how is that fair to me? Now somebody want you to stay then you stay! I bet other staff can handle things as well, THIS branch is the busiest branch, ok?

And is a delivery more important than a human? More important than me? You can just ask someone else to accept the delivery or something. Pass a message on. If you stay to wait for a delivery, then I need to go home to wait for a call lorh!

I freaking hate this lateness.

Fortunately, the person who took leave is coming back tomorrow, so I don't need to wait for this person before I go home anymore. except for Friday. Shit Friday.

I don't get why anyone should be late for work. Maybe one or two minutes, fine. But for 15 minutes over? Seriously?

Urgh. So screwy.

So anyway, I didn't stay till 6pm. Senior chased me home, told me to just let them die if they can't handle. Anyway, there was still her to help. So I got to go home early. Aiyah, she say 6pm, will be here at 6.30pm de la! Stupid. Freaking tired like shit can!!!

I realised that I'm the sort of person who will screw up badly in the initial stages, and get very good in the long run. Too bad society is too short-sighted. My clinic had enough faith in me to keep me, and now they have a good staff on the team.

So what if my results sucked for let's say... Chem equilibrium? I can do it fine right now. And if you were to ask me to take the exam again, different paper, I bet I can do loads better than my results then.

But it's no use. The grade is already printed on paper. And no matter how good the reamarks for the module are... The grade is still too sucky for people to see through that I can no troubles with it now.

The society should get glasses!

Ah, whatever. I don't die that easily. Things that happen are sufficient to hurt me, not enough to kill me. I survived 9 childhood years of perseverance, 2 years of drilling it into me as a value in life, and then the next few years putting it to the test.

I am able to withstand so much that some people use me as a shield. When people know I try the best for them, they end up using me. For all sorts of reasons. Always been the one who can tahan a lot, but never one that shines.

I know as a human we can't take blows all the time and still remain standing. There's a limit. Everytime I hit mine, it just keeps growing. But I also need someone to be my shield.

That's what I mean.

Advocate

2010-05-23T22:13:00.002+08:00

Who is my advocate?

There is no point in me being an advocate for myself. Because that isn't the real definition of an advocate.

On a side note, I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy today. It was such an exciting and awesome episode. Very thrilling, very emotional, very dramatic.

Nice.

I still love Cristina Yang =) Want to be like her: HARDCORE!

GRAH

2010-05-21T23:51:00.002+08:00

Amjay stop being late! I can only leave when you're here, so don't think that coz I can stay means you can come later!!! I HAVE TO stay, not I want to stay! Let me go home on time pretty damn please?!

Mosquitoes leave me alone please!! Stop coming so close to me all the time, and get out of my house!!!

Ulcer stop growing liao! Get off my mouth and disappear!!

Turning back

2010-05-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

Today, out of curiosity, I went to read my 2009 diary. It wasn't exactly a 2009 diary, coz I started writing in like... April 2009. Also, I don't write everyday.

Reading the diary was like reading a storybook. There were of course, many things happening during that time. But there was only one main focus throughout that whole year. One person. And that was THAT person, let's just name him Eddie.

Okay, most of you should know who that is... Just that I don't know how many weird strangers... By strangers I mean people I don't know... come to visit this blog, so I will change the name. You guys should know who Eddie is la.

He's been always there, even if he never realised. He was probably the most important guy in my entire year last year, even if I was perhaps nothing much to him. But I'm grateful, because he provided me with a focus for that year. Even if I didn't get what I wanted, wished/hoped for, I bet my life wouldn't be any better without him. If everything worked out perfect, I wouldn't be lonely now, but life is never fair for me so I am not "not lonely" now.

Currently, I think he's about 80% forgotten about me liao. Never really talks. Wait, he never talks. I care, but he doesn't. So everything is so screwed up right now. I wonder if I have lost a friend. I wonder if whatever I did doesn't mean anything to him.

There was also a post in my diary saying that I don't want to think back next time and not be able to find something to be happy about.

I still haven't found a solution to that.

I know you guys will say Aiyah, be happy with the little joys in life. But seriously, if you work that hard to get just little joys, something is seriously wrong. Something messed up, screwed up. Because for every few little joys, there must be something like a decent, or huge joy.

There was only one thing last year that I can consider a huge joy. When I was labelled as a girlfriend, but that turned out to be a lie. So whatever joy, it was a lie. The most it can become is a little joy. I don't think I will be happy next time to know that I spent a year liking a guy who eventually forgot about me. Joy is when I can say that to my kid, and that guy is his daddy.

But nope, not gonna happen.

I also realise nowadays that I am always doing more than what my duties are set to be. Or I have been doing so. Which might also lead to why I believe I can do more than what I am told to do, yet nobody knows that. Problem with papers again.

Why the hell am I doing more work than my supposed senior (she worked at the clinic about 2 months more than me)? All she does is to push the work to me. I can't leave until my shift replacement comes in, because those juniors won't let me leave, because then they have nobody to do the dirty work of telling bad news to patients, or booking appts, or disturbing the doctor, stuff like that, you know?! I am going to leave at the end of June. Are they going to die like that and lock me at the clinic so I can't leave?

They have gotta learn to be on their own, because I won't be staying forever. In fact, I am going to leave and they are supposed to replace me somehow when I'm gone for studies. Lol, they had to find TWO people to replace me.

The supposed senior actually told me that she was very tired today, when I told her to leave me alone coz I was really tired and was woozing already. Ok, seriously? She wakes up at 1pm everyday to come work at 2pm! I wake up at 7.20am and work till like 4, and she tells me that SHE is tired?!

There has gotta be more to life than just people asking me to do their odd jobs. Is there actually someone who doesn't need me to do dirty job, yet want me to be around? Or is lots of people trying to clear me off their schedule when they dun need me?

What a terrible terrible day

2010-05-19T22:54:00.002+08:00

As you know, HFMD is on the rise. Clinic is out of such medicine coz of the rise. But sadly, we had two cases of HFMD, requiring three bottles of Iso. One of the patients was really kind, and we will contact her for the medication tomorrow when it arrives. The other patient is renowned to be a badass, has tattoos all over, and ALWAYS wants to get his way.

As usual, my very kind juniors and supposed senior shoved this duty of serving badass man to me. The stare he gave me was freaking scary, I tell you. I mean, what can I do if we have no Iso, I can't magick one out for you! And he kept asking me, "So how do you want me to get it? Do you think it's very appropriate for me to come collect it another day?"

Like uh, hello??!? What else do you want me to do? Send it to your doorstep? I mean, yea that's possible, but then that gets personal. So I had to discuss with Dr. Yvonne for what to do, in the end she wrote a prescription and prayed that pharmacies have it. But chances are low, I think?

GAH.

Not only that, some patient's mum rushed us like we weren't doing anything. In actual fact, she's only been out for a couple of minutes and we wanted to double check one of Dr Yvonne's prescriptions. Because we don't think we have such a thing, and in the end, we really don't have such a thing. So she had to write a prescription that takes some time... And then the momma got pissed at why we were so slow.

Seriously! Do you want to get screwed up meds or proper meds? Her excuse was that her kid (which is sorta like, 11 years old?) is feeling unwell and she wants to bring him home ASAP. Hello? You're in a clinic, other than the staff, DO YOU SEE ANYONE FEELING WELL HERE?

Patience la people! What the hell is wrong with people!!!

I really want to cry at the state of today.

My senior leaves me with these... juniors who can't run when these patients expect us to fly. And I can't even fly. And that freaking drives me crazy when these patients don't be patient and everyone says they're rushing and we're trying our best. Or at least, I'm trying my best! I can't even eat lunch until after 2 or later!

And my shift is supposed to end at 2pm, but now it's 4! And my shift takeover person doesn't always come on time. And I'm FREAKING TIRED! I didn't sign up for this hectic shit.

I want some peace in my life! SOME PEACE IN MY LIFE!! Maybe just a period of time where things are smooth, and not making me think and worry and stress myself. Where people don't yell at me anymore.

Infestation

2010-05-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

Recently there's been a stupid number of mosquitoes. I stay on the 15th floor and still get quite a number of those bugs around nowadays. And no, we do not have breeding grounds at home. We checked.

Anyway, been pretty slack with the net nowadays. Got sick of going onto facebook, doing the same thing over and over again every single day, yet get nowhere with those games. Plus, I seldom get notifications or requests or stuff like that. So life on the internet has been pretty boring.

So I'm back to playing Tales of Vesperia on my Xbox360. Seems like I'm almost finishing the story liao. Sad. But then I can level up all my characters next time and stuff, so it won't get too boring.

Really tired these few days. Gotta work till 4 everyday until Desiree comes back from Philippines. And when I don't work till 4, I have driving lessons. Gah. I am so tired! Totally no rest from 8 to 4 plus, until I get back home. Working at the clinic really drains you out, starting from your mind. You gotta be quick, fast, responsive, alert all the time. Cannot rest and stuff like that. No breaks.

Sobs.

Just get me to school already! Let me study and toil through the 4 years so I can go on, move on to do what I really want to do. I hate this temporary period. I mean, yea, I get to work and earn money and work with doctors... But I need to do more stuff! And stuff that can develop me as a person, stuff that can be applied to the future!

Gah. Tired.

Aww, come on!!

2010-05-13T22:53:00.002+08:00

How many times in life have you ever been so pissed at the state of things that you just exclaim that out loud or in your mind, "Aww, COME ON!!"

Coz I think everybody has been in such a situation where you are that close to getting what you want and then... Oh, you can't get it coz you missed just one teeny bit of stuff. Like my Biology. It's my favourite subject and the only subject I can understand in one whole huge chunk, and I've NEVER gotten an A grade for it. The best I've got is a B+.

Seriously?!

Never mind, I don't really want to talk about this.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't enjoy thinking about the future, because right now I have to set things right. Whatever I missed out when I was younger, I have to fix it all right now. Because if I don't, I will never be perceived than being better than I look on paper.

You want people to want to know you better? Get your papers ready, coz if there isn't anything interesting on your paper... Even if you're the most fascinating person on Earth, they will not want to know more about you.

Which also means that, to a certain extent, appearance does matter. It's like an enzyme that speeds things up. And without that enzyme, very little, or no reaction occurs.

If a girl is pretty, guys will want to approach her and talk to her. And if the guy likes her personality, and the girl likes his personality... Congrats! Cupid's job is done!

But if the girl isn't very pretty, but is really helpful, and kind, and patient, and loving... Nobody, or very little guys will approach this person to learn more about her kindness.

So.. yea, I believe appearance is an enzyme. Which is pretty important. Of course, there are always exceptions to everything. There are cases where the guy doesn't care about appearance. But seriously, it's tough finding a guy like that.

Gah... Come on!!!!

Back to work

2010-05-12T22:59:00.002+08:00

Seems lots of people are sick nowadays. Hmm. My cough is only better when I take the meds. Once the effect wears off then I'm back again.

Anyway today wasn't TOO busy. I bothered Sally quite a few times after she left early to settle some logistics, coz the people there were noobs and a nooblet. But she was very patient over the phone, haha. Today, I helped make an appt for the first time! It is actually pretty easy. But it's the communication with patient that is challenging.

Today is also my first driving lesson. It is pretty fun driving. But that's what I think since it's only the first lesson and it's just the nice and easy turns and stuff like that. My 'cher is quite a nice guy. Luckily not my Dad's friend, if not very awkward. But Dad's friend told his colleague that I'm his friend's kid.

Lol. Then 'cher thought my Dad is a stalker or something because he keeps appearing around me. Then when Dad kept watching me from a distance, the 'cher ask me really sternly, "Is that guy your Dad?" Lol.

I think turning the car takes a little bit of getting used to. But otherwise, acceleration and stuff is fine. I wasn't as choppy as I thought all nooblets will be. I think thanks to the 'cher.

Now to pass my BTT. Then my ATT. I just want to pass and get it over and done with, you know.

Day at home

2010-05-11T22:54:00.003+08:00

I didn't go to work today because I felt too sick to go. Wasn't having fever or anything, but I was coughing real bad, and I'm sure patients don't want me coughing into their already-sick faces. So I did cough the entire day. In the end, decided to go see the doctor.

I measured, but there wasn't much fever. Then I went down to the clinic, and bam! Fever. Seriously? The doctor asked if I had any chills and stuff like that, but I didn't. It didn't feel chilly or cold. Then it hit me, the weather is too hot.

Anyway, got a few medicines. But it was a different set for the ones I usually get for URTI. I did request for non-drowsy cough syrup, so that's definitely different. Antibiotics was changed too. Much appreciated, though it breaks my record, coz the pills are now smaller. Raspberry flavoured lozenges? Cool or what? They usually give me pineapple. Hooray for raspberry. And then, Salbutamol tablets, which are actually Ventolin tablets. Soemthing is wrong with my airways.

Anyway, was in a dilemma today. If I didn't go to the doctors, I would be coughing non-stop, and then my parents would be yelling at me to stop and stuff like that. And coz I went to the doctors, my mum says I'm wasting money.

I dunno what to do seriously. Why is visiting the doctor a waste of money, and buying 4D and spending crap money is not? Oh yea, there is a chance of winning something for lottery. But what are the chances? Spending money on health is more worth it, in my opinion.

Really don't know why my parents are like that. They get angry, really, whenever I am sick. As if that will do anything good for me. I'm already sick what you want me to do? Shoot me to death then you be happy? Man, I'm already sick, so get it treated! There's no use telling me stop doing this, stop doing that.

Haiz. My life is so screwed up.

Anyway today is the 11th of May. Which is... the anniversary of something. Of which, only some people will know.

Wow. O_o

Whadda day

2010-05-10T23:49:00.002+08:00

URTI isn't getting better. Still coughing and having sore throat and stuff. If tomorrow I'm not too much better, I won't go to work. But having said this now, fate will just make it such that I am miraculously healed the next day so I can go to work. Then get sick again after that.

WAB.

Today was an average day.

I watched Kid Nation on TV, and it was a pretty cool reality show. It's where a bunch of kids are thrown into a miniature town called Bonanza, and then there are no adults and they are going to have to run it themselves. Stuff like, clearing trash, getting water, cooking and stuff.

I think it's really interesting. Today's episode there was this girl Taylor who was voted off the council, and she was feeling really bad about it. So she refused to do anything, coz she's a paegent queen. And nobody could make her do anything. She would just screw everything up.

And there was this guy who was really mature. He spoke to kids who didn't take things seriously, and was very cooperative all around.

So he got a gold star, which is a prize of 20 thousand dollars!

Hmm, every night, there is this problem of being unable to load Facebook. I don't understand why. It could be loading fine, and then in just a second, I can't load anything anymore. I bet it's Singnet's problem.

Internet explorer takes really long to load it and eventually is unable to. As for Chrome and Firefox, those slackers just give up too easily. Can never load anything that is too slow.

I am seriously looking forward to starting school. It's been so damn freaking long since anyone spontaneously talked to me on msn. It's been so freaking long since I've had anyone who wants to understand.

Anyone would break like that. Humans are supposed to be social creatures, they're not supposed to be left alone in this society where interaction is key.

Whatever. Talking isn't going to get me anywhere. And omg, I just realised Make-A-Wish never replied my email. Seriously?

In any case, it sucks. It as in generally. I wish for better dreams tonight so at least I can see some happiness in a long long freaking time.

When was the last time you got a warm hug from someone? ^-^

Day of carnations.

2010-05-09T22:46:00.002+08:00

Come to think of it, I didn't buy a carnation for Mom today. But I did make her a card. I think she likes it better if it's a card. She doesn't exactly like flowers.

I was partially sick today coz I woke up with a sore throat. Coughed and coughed, but only little bits of phlegm came out. You know how that feels right? It sucks. I rather have phlegm that comes right out. At least it doesn't irritate my airways/throat.

Despite having a sore throat, we still went to have dinner at KFC. Coz it's mother's day. Had a zinger, and it was really filling somehow. Went to visit the clinic, and there is a lot of people there. Weird, coz usually there won't be that many people.

Facebook is such a pain nowadays. I am finally experiencing the consequences of not being in the higher averages of the group. At NUSH, I suck, I really do. My results are really bad, and I'm not in any recognized leadership group that the school is proud of.

But the thing is, like all the others, I have dreams and goals. Interests and passions that I want to pursue. Life goals. The school teaches us to fly, and tells us not to worry, that even if we can't fly, we can still float higher than others out there. So I try my best, though now I say that I could have tried harder. In the end, it is my fate to be unable to fly.

I cannot fly, and I float just enough to keep me upright. I see so many of my friends flying, flying so far away. Some of them being where I want to be. I tried so hard just to barely float. I hate myself. If I could fly... Only if I could.

I think life is really unfair. There are so little chances and opportunities available at any one time, and so many people vying for that chance. Yet somehow, only a lucky few get it. The world is unfair in the sense that people who manage to grasp one opportunity will then find it a whole lot easier to grasp another. And then the people who never get the chances, will then find it increasingly harder to find another.

Because you see, as people grow older, the society expects more from them. By age 16, you should have been a president of a club, or a CCA, or undertaken any leadership position. By age 18, you should have gotten an internship, or participated in a research project, or something like that.

How many presidential positions are there? And the fact that, having the word 'president' on paper, on record, is going to be a big deal.

I could be a Peer Support Leader once. Just for the school to close it down. And it will never ever be labelled as a leadership board. Then that means that I have never been a leader anymore. What about when Mr. Lee told me that I was to be the treasurer for PSL? Nothing of that sort because he told me that after investiture. I was working as a treasurer but that all went undocumented.

And Singapore is like that. No paper, no talk. So to the public, for what they care, I was never a leader.

(That makes my blood boil.)

So not only do my results suck, now I don't even have any leadership positions to back me up.

Another thing, you may be damn talented in music and arts, but if you don't do sports, you're lousy. I was confused when I was typing in stuff for scholarships, and they only asked to list sports activities and competitions I have been to and won anything.

I was like, WTF? I sang in a choir, and got a Gold with Honours. Does that NOT matter? I was with Gamelan when they got their first silver in SYF, does that NOT matter as well?

I don't get why things are like that. Why is the world so damn unfair?

I may have a lot of confidence in myself, but the world sees nothing of me. So what's the use?

I have wings too, you know? And they can work as well as others. Why do you not let me fly just because I haven't been in the spotlight? If you give me the chance, I can fly as high as the sky's limit. But if you don't, I can never fly again.

People, it's time you gave chances to those who need it more. Qualifications are one thing, but you need to let others spread their wings as well. Don't ground others just because they aren't as shiny as the others.

You need to put color into their lives.

I want to fly.

Will you give me the chance to?

Will you help me?

Looking away.

2010-05-08T18:26:00.002+08:00

So that's it for now. No medicine for me. Maybe next time.

(Yea, Gel... I was talking about this on Facebook.)

I don't really understand why a certain someone's Mum keeps calling my mum nowadays.
She just called this morning (again), and reported to my mum that her precious baby girl didn't get into Medicine, got into Chemical Engineering, doesn't know whether she should just go to NTU... and OH YEAH. She passed her driving test.

Okay, seriously, why would I be bothered about the achievements of YOUR daughter? I freaking got beaten by my parents because she chose to tell my mum about every little thing that occurred in primary school. She's always been better than me, and everyone looks at her instead of me.

So can she just get the shit out of my life and leave me alone already? If she wants to be here, FINE. Be a friend, not a spy, not my reporter, not anything. And stop talking about me to her mummy dearest.

Stop bragging, alright? Just coz I didn't get a chance to go for an interview, and you did, doesn't mean you're better than me, or that I'm better than you. You don't have to use this opportunity to show off that even though I got into an atas school, your daughter's still better than me.

Know what? Whatever I do, people still think your daughter is still better than me, so just ride with the waves. Feel the breeze on your face as you wish, just don't tell me how good it feels, because I want to feel comfortable where I am, even if it's under your ass.

One day, I'm gonna get out of there and rise. And when that time comes, I'm not as cruel as you, to say in your face that I've escaped your bottoms.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright.

I dislike it when people other than NUSH-ians ask me about where I am going to study, or what I am studying.

I would have been prouder if I got what I wanted. Where I am now may not be my first choice, but it's my second choice. Still, I don't like it as much, but at least I can study.

I can continue working for what I want. There's still a lifetime to go. I just hope that I do get it after working so hard. This hasn't been so for the past 18 years, and I'm hoping that the eyes in the high skies will feel my passion and put me where I want to be.

Admit, it isn't easy to get into NUS. But I've been studying a science intensive curriculum for the past 4 years. Being in science again will just be like the past. Biology, where in Singapore would you need that?

Singapore is all about crushing nature and building cement structures. Why do Singaporeans NOT have the mentality of recycling? Anyway... The only place a biologist can go to work is the lab, as a researcher.

And the research is used in other countries, not at home.

BAHF.

Why is everything screwing up?

No matter.

Gotta run.