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No matter how nice I am to people, some people just don't appreciate it. I do admit being nice is also a weak spot. But i chose to forgo that because when people feel comfortable around you, they will never feel the need to attack.


But this, however, is not the case, for me. At least, one case. Trust. One thing so needed, one thing good to use against. I've trusted one with so much, as much as I could possibly give to anyone. Then, to find that it has been put to bad use. I was betrayed. Time, and time again. Not once, not twice, but loads of times. Lies are what my trust has been caring for all these times, and these lies are parasiting off my trust.


I feel like a puppet, or maybe a dog. Empty promises, lies, are what I have been forced to swallow. But still, to this betrayer, I still harbour a certain warm stirring feeling. Why......


To share with you a Russian song from Fullmetal Alchemist, Bratja. Bratja is Russian for 'Brother'. It's really touching this song, because, the story for this song is like...


In the Russia that they're living in, there's alchemy. And in order for a reaction to happen, something of equal value must be traded to get ur end result. In the Elric family, they lost their father, and they're left with mum, big bro, and little bro. The boys know alchemy. So one day, their mum dies, and they attempt to form their mum back to Earth. As you know, that is taboo. So as punishment, little bro gets his soul and body removed from earth, and big bro lost his leg (by the laws of alchemy). Then the big brother exchanged his arm for his little brother's soul, and then fixed it to an armour using his blood. So, this song is written about them, how they feel and all that, enjoy:


Bratja(Brother)- Translated from Russian
Forgive me, younger brother
I am to be blamed
It is impossible to return
that, which has been taken by earth


One that knows the law
would help me find the answer.
I made a terrible mistake,
there is no cure for death.


Dear Mother! So Soft! (soft as in loving)
We loved you so much.
But all our powers
were spent in vain.


I intrigued you
With the perfect hope
To return our family
My brother, the blame is all mine.


Don't cry, don't despair, older brother
You are not the only one to blame
We both have one road
Lets bury the blame to the depth (meaning lets forget whos fault it was)


I can't blame you for anything,
And I hold no hard feelings. (as in Im not mad at you)
Heavy is our cause
The desire to be stronger than all


Dear Mother! So Soft!
We loved you so much.
But all our powers
were spent in vain.


I was intrigued myself
with the wonderful hope
to return our family.
I am the one to blame.


So what do we do now?
How do we correct and forget?
When you can't return
That, which was been taken by earth.

it's 5:51 PM now on Monday, December 31, 2007



Boy, I seem to be so much better at forcing a mask on nowadays. Smiling... :) All the stupid time. I could be exploding inside, with heavy floodings wanting to burst through my eyes. But when my mum asks me a question, I can look at her with my normal expression, force on a smile, and say in my 'angelic' little voice, "Yes, mum?"


She never suspects anything. Well, there is only one person I'd turn to at times like this. And this person will remove my mask, and regardless of emotion, will take me into the warmth, treating me like... a little child who needs love and comfort.


Well, I confess, I used the F word today. I lost myself. I forgot about the promise I made with a special someone. I'm sorry, for using it. But please, for a few days or so, please let me vent a little, okay? I hope you won't hold it against me.


Today, I'm really upset. Yea, I know all of you couldn't tell. It's alright. Well, I'm a letdown to everyone. You know, I don't think I'm even supposed to exist on Earth. All I get is to be lied to by people, and to be treated like a lowclass animal. You know like when you trust someone so much, and then later finds out you've been lied to? And puh-lease, it's not once, not twice, not thrice, but many many many more. Even after u know it's lie, there are so many more leis that you're harboring.


Ever felt like crying in such situations? Yea, me too. But mum's around, I don't want her to worry. And i don't want her to have a bad impression on him. I tell her he's a realy nice person who cares for me. Even if deep down I am bleeding, suffering all by myself.

it's 10:17 PM now on Sunday, December 30, 2007



What a very lonely Christmas. 3 presents, no gatherings, my last day of rest, no presents from my parents yet. Nothing new to play, nothing good i have... I'm not really that happy... I'm going crazy. Ah, what a lonely Christmas it is...

Merry Christmas to all the lucky peeps put there.

it's 3:33 PM now on Tuesday, December 25, 2007



Once, there was a yellow rabbit. He is a very special rabbit. He seemed to be an outcast. He didn't walk on 4 legs, but walked on 2. He had short ears, and short legs. He had arms, and his arms were long. Most importantly, he was yellow.


One day, he ventured into the darkness. He shuddered as he took his first step in. He wanted to look for a little girl. Puffing up his furs, the yellow rabbit glowed as much as possible as it was pitch black, and cold. He could glow, because he belonged in the light. In this thick darkness, he was to find a little girl. A little girl, who was in danger of being swallowed by the darkness.


He walked, and he walked, as fast as his little legs could take him. "Cassie?" He shouted into the darkness, "Where are you?" He walked on, until he reached the mouth of a cliff. He saw a faint glow, gradually fading away... He walked towards the little glow.


The little girl sat on the edge of the cliff, and below the cliff, was nothingness. "Cassie?" The yellow rabbit asked again. He put one of his mutated hands on the little girl. The little girl turned, and saw the familiar emotionless face of the little rabbit. She was fading, slowly, swallowed by the darkness. Her body was cold, as cold as someone who was about to face death. Cold. And fading away.


The yellow rabbit put his arms around the little girl. "Cassie, my dear little girl, why are you here?" He asked, keeping her warm. The little girl wrapped her little arms around the yellow rabbit. And cried. "I thought nobody cares. I just wanted to... disappear forever." The little girl said. "Silly Girl... Cassie, if nobody wanted you, you will always have me. I'll always be your little rabbit." The yellow rabbit replied.


The little girl, touched by the yellow rabbit's words, closed her eyes and began to redeem her light. Banishing the darkness around her, warming the air around them. The cliff disappeared, and green pastures appeared, with pretty little flowers blooming. When she opened her eyes, she saw the sun, with its warmth hugging her. Beside her, lay her little yellow rabbit... He still had his emotionless face, but he wasn't alive anymore. We went back to being Cassie's precious little stuffed yellow rabbit.

it's 7:23 PM now on Thursday, December 20, 2007



Bring me back to school. Bring me to somewhere away from my home... I do not like the eerie silence around me, the feeling of loneliness... The air around me is acidic, striking my heart every second. The silence fills me with nothingness, eating away at all that I have. I have nobody to talk to, my stuffed toys just stare at me with their emotionless eyes. Please, bring me away from the horror, the terror that suffocates me by the minute... I'm dying inside.

it's 2:20 PM now on Tuesday, December 18, 2007



She's sweet, she's lovable, and she's a perfect little girl. 11 and bubbly, she's a pretty little lady. She has long, black hair, some tied up in two ponytails. Two bells sit on each ponytail, silver, with pretty emerald-green ribbons enhancing their grandeur. Her eyes are a emerald-green, just like the ribbons in her hair.


Though young, she has the ability to sense energy and aura. Her powers are not well defined yet as she is missing a very vital part of each of us, the soul.


A bright and lady-like child, she has quite immature thinking, but that is what makes her so lovable. She has a petite figure, and can still be carried around despite her age. She does not go out into the public often, as she fears many things.


Joy. The one pure innocent heart.

it's 2:05 PM now on



He had black hair, long, and neatly tied up in a handsome ponytail. His eyes were a mysterious shade of blue, and seemed like stars glittering in the midnight sky. He had perfect complexion, his face smooth like a baby's. He had dimples on either side of his cheeks, and had a charming smile. His face was not too thin, not too chubby, just the right size. His ears were pierced, with two sapphire diamonds on his earrings, matching his eyes.


When his powers are unleashed, his hair glowed a mesmerising shade of blue. Wearing a matching black trenchcoat, he has the ability to levitate in midair, just like his lover. He is able to make a Chicory flower appear out of nowhere, and also of good quality, with a sweet, light scent. An intentional late bloomer in his 'magic', he turns out to be an extremely fast learner, being of equal standards with his lover in just a month. Or perhaps... He had learnt them in his childhood, before that portion of his memory was wiped...


A handsome young man, he is, and a gentleman- one of the very best. An expert in the creation of energy weapons, swords and blades, he is truly a knight of the night. Of course, he is no weaker in the day.


Shadow. He's the one.

it's 11:57 AM now on Monday, December 17, 2007



Oh damnit. I am such a freaking failure sometimes. No, wrong, most of the time. Making people happy by stupid smiling. Yea, even when I feel like a mutant inside, I still smile like a bozo. Stupid me. I should just put on that don't-you-dare-mess-with-me face and scare everybody away like BOO!


But then again, people that really know me and really make me happy, sadly, are few. And I don't want to scare people away. The only freaking problem is that I can never keep them happy. Or this stupid, selfish me, is just hoping to see them smile like a silly wonkzor. I hate myself.


Why do people push me around all the time? Maybe I'm just too stupid. You know, they say, "Oh that freaking stupid girl or wadever she is, let's just totally pwn her." Ok, maybe they don't. They just see me as a entertain when usage is needed, chuck when her service is not required. Hahs. Beastly people.


Oh, and some of you out there think I'm useless. You know what? I so totally agree with you smart guys. Maybe all I know is to upset people by typing stuff like this on my blog. Maybe you guys think, hey what's she so angry about? Isn't that what she's made for? Nothing!?! Lemme tell you, cool dudes, I bite too. Scared now? Probably not. Who'd be intimidated by this declawed little kitty here? Damnit.


One thing, I hate always being so serious. But this time, on my post, I mean it! I mean, look if you had that someone that you'd talk to, you wouldn't feel good if all you talk about is proper, full of sense, serious, factual, political stuffs. Wouldn't it be so much more fun to talk about anything under the sun? Like I could pretend to be something wonky and you could pretend to be something wonky too, and we could fool around with silly words here and there and end up laughing our heads off after that?


Grr....I just hate it when you try to be all HYPED UP and try to talk about all those cute and zesty stuff, and then someone just says, "uh huh." Like OMGWTH? Dude, can you at least be interested in whatever I'm crapping about? Man... People who say that only know how to do formal, political stuffs. Like some big boss, bossing everybody around... And when the secretary comes in saying, "Here you go, your coffee. Made according to your specifications, extra sugar, a pinch of salt, topped with freshly picked mint leaves from the backyard, and i got a passing bee to sell me some honey." And the damned bossy boss replies, "uh huh. Go away now, shoo." Can you even imagine that?


Damn myself. why can't people be all smiley when there's nothing going wrong? Why pick something to be disturbed about if people can choose not to be disturbed? Why can't people immerse themselves in the land of infinite joys!? Well, I can. I just want to bring a certain someone over to bounce on the bouncy clouds, to be silly and wear silly balloon hats, and all that!? just be crazy and talk more about less serious stuffs than the serious stuffs. It's better than gaming, it's better than napping, it's better than wasting your time infront of the computer playing DOS games, and it's better than what your hormones drive you towards! (Hentai infromation alert, but oops, you've just read it.) Ahh... What's the freaking use of bouncing around by myself. You people will NEVER know how it feels like lacking the love you get from siblings! Those people out there with siblings, you guys are really lucky. Really.


Goodbye... Now I'm really checking out the way to the abyss.

it's 9:11 PM now on Friday, December 14, 2007



Okay, Okay. I'm freaking annoyed today. But I won't talk all about it. I'm going to talk about... Online games.


I don't really like MapleSEA coz of some of their players. One thing is that they freaking bully Newbies! I'm serious about it. In MapleSEA, if you're low level, the big whoot there just comes and swipes your monster. Damn him/her. Can't you at least leave the poor kid alone?


Big asses who think they're so damn pro. Weren't they Newbies too!?!? Gee... Losers. True losers.


Sorry, but I have to say this about my current craze. Neopets. Full of bullies there! Not to mention, hackers, scammers, people who report everything, people who blindly accuse and flame. You can see it all on neoboards. And TNT makes everything sound so safe and whatever.


Yea, yea make it safe all you want. But in it, you see you're dealing with more than you think. TNT thinks their members are little angels. NO! They're wrong. And TNT once froze my account for a stupid reason called "I cheated on a game." I, myself, froze for a moment and wondered when did I cheat, because I didn't even know the open cheatcodes, let alone game hacking? Only after serious thinking that I realised: Hot Grilled Neggs. That night I scored way higher than the Champion of the game. Feeling so happy about it. And the next day it was FROZEN. What the? I swear, I didn't cheat! Grr... Evil people. All my pets in it were painted! And even after explaining my case to TNT, they didn't unfreeze it! Damn them!


I really hate NewB bullies. Just because they are more experienced, they just use the Newbies as they platform to greater heights. This behaviour is CHEAP! DESPICABLE!

it's 11:43 PM now on Tuesday, December 11, 2007



7th. What a magical number.
I'm flying off... to somewhere nobody can find me, so don't bother searching. To a land where I can see my heart's desires, to where I can dream forever, no sadness, pure happiness. A land where I can fly, to soar; A land where I can touch the bright stars, to tell them how grateful I am to them for watching over me, day in and day out.


My neopets will be there too, I guess. Then I could ride on my Jetsy, and he could take me anywhere I wanted. There would be no more sorrow. There would also be loads and loads of giraffes, wanting to be my friend. Of course, I would befriend them all. Jeff the baby giraffe would come alive, and then I could give him a hug. RaffRaff would also come alive... My precious RaffRaff...


When will I be back? I don't know... Maybe I won't. If I forgot that I have a world of unjust to live in... I may not...come back at all...

it's 11:20 AM now on



Shoot me dead. Right. Now.


What is the point of staying alive when my goals can't be reached? Why have i tried so hard, gave it my all...but still fail? I am sad, very depressed. Crying for the past 24 hours or more, so what? Nobody will care anymore... Nobody can do anything.


I am bleeding inside me, pain that's unbearable coursing through my body... I want to go to sleep, forever...

it's 2:40 PM now on Friday, December 7, 2007



Peace.


Shh...Don't say anything yet. Come let's take a vote. Those who agree that peace is good...Raise ur hands! Can't see la. Ahh, who cares, it's 1 vote for YES! And therefore, peace is good.


We have very limited time on earth. Very, very limited. Of course, perfect peace is never possible. Perhaps as I am typing this, some dude somewhere just died because he was involved in a fight. And I am sure that as I am typing this, there will be somebody bullying another person, there'll be somebody having a heated argument somewhere.


But why? Is there really a need to hit-hit kill-kill (translated from chinese, da da sha sha)? No, there isn't. We would have definitely been in quarrels (Personally, I've been in loads. Normally, I take all the blame and I'm bloody sick of doing it). Friendships, relationships, they may get broken up due to them. Why? Is it really so nice fighting? To have no peace in the world? At this point of time, some people may think "eh, peace in the world, have what! No war means peace ma!" This is not true. Why do wars and riots and battles happen? Because they disagree with something, and they prefer to kill to prove their point.


Bringing it to that level, we can see that little little stuff can lead to devastating endings. Like a tree sapling, you have to make sure that it stands straight, if not when it grows into a big tree, it can never be straight. Solving the root of the problem, solves the greater problem out there. In my own case, I really dislike all quarrels, for the following reasons:


After every quarrel, no matter who started it, I am the one who has to apologise profusely, ask for forgiveness, and bear the full burden of being the one starting the quarrel. If you ask me to do all these like, once or twice, maybe I could close an eye and just get on with life doing all that. I mean, it's better for me to sacrifice my portion of innocence and convert to a full criminal, rather than bringing out arms to fight it out. Time is limited (!!!) and I want to cherish my times on Earth. I don't want to leave this world knowing that I had miserable times because I quarrelled so much, and I shed so much tears, and I made many people dislike me...and all that. If we could make more joyful memories, won't it be better for urself and for others?


You know, I work very hard for this, especially in my relationship. Aaron, Angela, Chermaine, Shud, Alvin, Vanessa, Renee, Cheryl, and all those who has ever bothered to ask me "Is everything going okay?", I think all of you should know. It's really okay for me to act the bad person if it means causing the relationship to go smoothly. Most importantly, I want the other party to understand that although I may be very "never mind lah" sort of person, I do expect a certain degree of respect (as a senior, and as a fellow human, or may be as someone he needs), and to understand that we're even closer than friends, we shouldn't be so territorial in that sense.


But those who bothered to care, you guys have a point. You all tell me, "I know you are tolerant and you forgive him, but how long can you last? Are you sure you can carry on being tolerant? Tolerance is a good thing, but you should know when not to tolerate..." I'm finding it true, coz I've been reflecting and thinking things over. I can tolerate, but there is also a limit. I...regret being so tolerant though. My tolerance may have led me to become less heard within the two people, and also led to the loss of much respect. Or maybe... It may be why we quarrel so much. Aaron, thanks for the enlightenment. Some guys don't like girls being superior than them. Maybe he tends to want to show how powerful he is by picking a fight. Working around me, then using my heart, and my tolerance. If he says something that really hits me there, I will give in straight away. An automatic victory for him, nil for me. It's okay, he's happy. All i ask for, is damage control, whether he'll come back to me and comfort me.


This sounds terribly stupid. I've been stupid. Hey, I deserve to be heard...But the world just isn't fair sometimes. Sometimes, the truths are never revealed, and people suffer. I bet that there are many cases of people getting jailed for stuff they never did, more cases than we ever imagined. Then society will think the jailed people are the bad people, know why? Coz the press and the media brainwashed us all. Some people refuse to speak in court, why? Coz innocence is so difficult to prove. All it takes is just one itty bitty thing to prove you guilty. What can you prove if you're innocent? You didn't do anything, and you have nothing that can be against the crime because, well you have NOTHING to do with the damned crime.


Sigh...What's done is done...I guess... I can't really do anything about it...Just..Tolerate.
I'm sorry, Tan Jun Yup.

it's 6:50 PM now on Thursday, December 6, 2007



一生中,我们会碰上许许多多的人。一部分将会成为我们的朋友,一部分会成为我们的好友,但只有一个人可以成为那个与我们有福同享,有难同当,一起走完这人生的人。那个人,就是我们心爱的男人或女人。
要真心的爱一个人,其实并不简单。有人曾对我说过,爱一个人,一定要信任他,而且一定要关心他,照顾他。爱一个人,并不是因为可以与他活下去,而是因为没有了他就不能够活下去了。我身边有着我心爱的一个人。跟他在一起,好像已经成为了我生活的一部分。虽然有时会被伤到心,被弄哭了,但是我还要跟着他。
只要他开心,就可以了。看着他灿烂的笑容,我不禁也会微笑起来。我早上一起床,第一件想到的事就是:他也醒来了吗?说真的,虽然有时我会在那儿发脾气,在那儿吵吵闹闹说他是个大坏蛋,说我真得很讨厌他,但是那都只是我发小孩子脾气,我不是真地认为它是个大坏蛋,也不讨厌他。他就是以为我发脾气时所说的话是真的,所以就不要完全信任我,有时也会讨厌我。
也不是他一个人错啦。。。有时我真的会说出非常伤感的话,他才会伤心。如果他哭了,我也不知道,只顾我自己的感受,没为他着想。我知道我是不应该这样子的,作为女朋友,应该先为她着想啊!只是我在那时刻不能够控制自己,所以才那样没礼。。。在这里,我想对他诚恳地说声“对不起。。。”
我不讨厌你,因为我知道你爱我。我相信你也一样,不会讨厌我的。我是个很容易就哭的女生,从小就成长在一个要什么得什么的生活,没人敢把我弄哭的。是,我的确是像个小孩子,小baby,只会哭,什么都不会做的人。我知道你也不是故意要让我哭的,有时是大概你不会好好的表达自己吧?或者被骂,也是因为我或该的啦。。。?总之,我谢谢你一直以来的照顾,还有你给予我的爱与关怀。希望我们可以更了解彼此,才可以过着每天开开心心的日子。爱,是那么伟大的啊!

it's 10:44 PM now on Sunday, December 2, 2007



You know...There's no such thing as perfect. There is no perfect team, there is no such thing as a perfect decision, there is no such thing as a perfect person.


Perfect decisions, they don't exist at all. In any decision we make, someone is bound to be happy with it, and there'll still always be somebody who does not agree with it. In a decision I made, it makes one feel good, but there's still another person to consider. And I couldn't come up with anything that is favourable in any way.


Perfection, just a word by itself, is not attainable. But actually, there is a way. Perfection could be moulded into our own unique way. Perfection by itself is like water, something that you can never catch with your bare hands. But put this water into a container, and that, is something you can work with.

it's 3:39 PM now on Saturday, December 1, 2007



Okay, back from Taiwan, finally. I'll blog about Taiwan some other day, but now, just... expressing myself again.


So...Me? Hahas, 16 going on 17 next year, but i still think I'm a kid. Even my parents think I'm a kid. But actually, being a kid has its good points. It makes you cute, in a way. Childish innocence, I call it. Of course, childish innocence isn't always good, you know. Most of the time it just irritates people. But I want to make people smile, or laugh. When I say something and somebody laughs at it, I feel happy inside too. But of course, when I'm saying something not serious la... Being like a kid also makes you feel younger, 17 is no young age to us teens... Well, yea. And being an only kid, naturally makes you a small kid in your parents' eyes.


But you know...I cry alot. I cry when i feel like it, sometimes i don't even know why. But everytime something bad crops up, the first thing i do is cry. Not like CRY. But sort of those stone there and the tears flow all over sort of thing la. Then i would wipe them off, and give myself a slap. For? I'm being angry with myself for being so weak and crying about every single thing. Crybaby. Strong and useful girls don't cry! I am not a weakling! Hahas. I laugh at myself.

it's 12:02 AM now on



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Cassandra Kiara Ng
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