I wonder if there's a limit to what I can tolerate.... Because no matter what happens to me, I can't bring myself to take it to the extreme. In fact, there is nothing extreme about me.

Let's say, when someone makes me angry. Some people, when another person makes them angry, they will dislike the person. Maybe never talk to that person anymore... But for me, I can't do that.

Or when someone annoys me, and I want to avoid that person... In the end, I'll still talk to the person, wave and say hi, laugh with that person, and share with that person. It's just so strange.

Then, some people actually abuse this weird quality I have. Well, they think I can tolerate a lot of stuff, so they don't really bother about what they say or do to me. Perhaps to them, it doesn't matter if I'm upset about their actions or not.

I really don't know how to say this.

Because I really am upset right now, because of this sms JunYup sent to me. Perhaps he does not know how I feel now. Or even if he does, he wouldn't care anyway. Sigh... I'm depressed... Hurt by his words.

"Had enough of you for one day."

So now, I'm just a toy? Chucked in a corner when you don't need me...
You treat me the way others like to treat me, and yet you say you love me.
If this is the way you show me how much you love me,
I would fear the phrase 'true love'.

Okay, so today, I didn't have any lessons except mentoring. Then had CCA.

Anyways, got so pissed during CCA. That's why I said snipers shall die. Such a horrible horrible thing to do.

Where to start... hmm....

Let's say you were queueing up to get something, and there are like, a few people in front of you. Then suddenly this stupid-fat-NCAC idiot cut the queue. Then when it's your turn to you, it's OUT OF STOCK.

I so hate this la. I had the intention of doing something and then some nincompoop airhead just snipes it and ruined everything! Plus, it was damn selfish of airhead la! Got so much time left, still snipe something from me.... I only have 1 year left to do what I want!

See, I was happily waiting for that thing to be open to takers. And I wanna take it up because it has mostly always been what I wanted to do. Then even before it was open to takers, that airhead dumbdumb had to snipe it from me! Or any other person that wanted to take it up.

I mean, it's seriously unfair la! What is other people wanna take it up, like, not only me..? Everybody deserves equal chance la... How can you just snipe it like that? And it's damn selfish la. It's not as if you totally won't get any chance to take it up next time right? I only have one year left to do what I want to do, and you have to ruin it for me la!

Thanks SO ****ing much to you.

I used to think perhaps other was wrong in judging you. I tolerated you, listened to you. Talked to you, cared about you. And this is how you repay me. You didn't want to be involved at first, and I was totally enthusiastic about it, I talked to you, let you rant about it to me. People may find you annoying, but I still just listened to you. I once belived there was some good in you. But not anymore.

I choose to listen to what others said about you. Because you prove them right. There is no way I can convince myself you are not what people think you are. They are right, and you have shown it to me. If people hate you, then I will as well.

Don't expect me to listen to your rants and complaints anymore. Stop bragging to me about how talented you are because it just makes you look like a despo. Stop sucking up to significant people because that is just disgusting. And if you're talking me just because my close friend is a power figure, then shut up from today onwards.

I HATE YOU!

I just had to rant.

Written every single annoying thing in my diary. So i guess it won't be that bad over here.

What I wanna say is that, sometimes... Never mind.

When you genuinely care for a person, and that person just refuses to cooperate, won't you be annoyed as well?

What's worse, you just get hurt more.

I'm holding back a lot right now, trying to compress everything.

After countless times of asking JunYup, "When can I go your house?" He finally let me go to his house today! Yay! So I woke up really early and started to journey early. Hahas!

I think his house is really cool! I dunno why, it's just cool. Perhaps it's coz it's a place i've never been before? But yeah, I think it's really cool, and the atmosphere's nice too!

And on my way there, I got sorta bored and started srcutinizing stuff. And I realised my nail polish was totally disgusting. Like EWWW! It's only on one finger though. Shimin jiejie was nice enough to lend me nail polish so I could remove the failed piece of art on my fingernail. Thankies!


Shimin jiejie's room is pink, like mine! But I think her pink looks much much nicer. And I guess it's a lot more organised than mine. *stares around my room* Yeah, my room's a big mess. JunYup's room is well, a guy's room, typical guy's room, you know, with posters all over and stacks of paper. He has a really small desk, though. And his bro's got a bigger one >_<

We went to Macs to have lunch, sponsored by JunYup's parents, so a huge HUGE thank you to JunYup's parents! JunYup did the ordering as he was the GUY. And the service person gave me the wrong drink. I ordered Ice Lemon Tea, and the fella gave coke. So JunYup was sent to go complain, and we got another cup of drink. He got extra coke, and he's happy about it.

JunYup gave me a new PSP game! So difficult play can... He wanted to give me another game but too bad my SD got no more space. I'm planning to buy another 8GB SD for my PSP. Since I already have console, might as well use it to its full potential right?

I really envy JunYup coz he has a really nice sister... Being an only child sucks. It stunts your social growth. You become very suaku. You can't follow trends. You find it tough to catch up with society. And it's really stressful to see your friends running so far ahead of you in all these aspects...

I really wished I had a sibling. But now... It's too late.

First, my PSP charger died... Dad's friend sort of fixed it and now it's working... I hope it'll last. Dad said something was dead, so the current loops, you know, in the converter, and it doesn't go into the battery in the PSP. The dead part has now been replaced and now it works. Hahas.

Thanks Dad, and friend!

Secondly, my Pokemon Gold cartridge died! It can no longer save anymore games..... Sobs.... You know, it's my first ever official 100% non-pirate pokemon cartridge in my entire lonesome life... And I worked so hard for it. At first, to even let my dad consider getting it for me, I had to run my 1.6km below 7 minutes. And I was so small that time... I made it... 6min 59sec... And I was so so so relieved. And then dad said I could buy it, but. I can only get a cheap one, that is, those non genuine ones. But I wanted the genuine one... those non-genuine ones have screwed up names and all... I couldn't play it well... So i begged my dad for the non-genuine one which is actually really really expensive. And I finally got it...

And now it's spoilt... Can't work... Can't play...

Sighs... I feel so sad now...

What's worse, Jun Yup helps me by saying that Pokemon is for kids. That it's childish.

I mean, I SO need it to feel better.

I feel like typing this whole huge paragraph about... about I don't know, I wanna vent my anger. I wanna throw the phone on the floor, but I can't because my phone's so precious. I wanna hit someone but I can't hit my parents, and my target isn't around either. And even if my target was around I can't hit because I'd be charged with assault and probably earn myself an assault as well. I wanna scream at someone but I can't because I can't scream at my parents, and my target isn't around. And even if my target was around then I would eventually be treated like I was invisible and nobody was listen to me.

I feel like crying. Supposed to love me but isn't. Instead, insult me, and make me cry. I get so pissed off... I just feel like bashing myself up, to hit myself and all because there's nowhere this anger can go to, nobody who even wanna understand me, and nobody that will care...

I need to start a new diary so I can really write down my thoughts. I can't post them all up here because I'll hurt other people...

I really hate people calling me kiddish or childish for the wrong reasons!
I wanna slap! I wanna slap the person who said that!!! I wanna slap till my hands hurt, till your cheeks are red and swollen, till you know what is the meaning of going too far.

I really hate people saying that!

I have a good amount of neopoints in my bank now, hahas. Never realised it could be SO fun to play the games and earn much neopoints at the same time.

Last night, I watched Wishing Stairs:

My mum made me watch it with her!!! And in the end, she fell asleep at some parts and left me to watch it all alone. It was quite scary.

These fews days.... I'm so freaking lonely. Even neopets doesn't help... So I'm pretty much moody nowadays... Wishing for JunYup to talk to me or something. [OMG. Wishing?!]

Okay, never mind.

Well hmm... I've recently started reading thicker books, you know. It's written by Sherrilyn Kenyon, the dark-hunter novels. Frankly speaking, it's not for children. Coz there're like sex scenes in it. O.o But I tell you, the storyline is good. Pity those scenes actually make it unavailable for younger people.

I also just finished reading PS I Love You. Such a touching story, though the ending is abit... un-ending. Leaves Holly's life hanging there, you know... It's like, you don't know what'll happen to her. Ah wells.

Stories are like that, ya? They always have an ending and that's what so sad about it. =(

Today, was a disappointing day.

Today, in the morning, I watched the movie 'PS I Love You'. Yeah, to get in the mood for 13th month, why not. I finally got to rent it. Gah.

So about the movie... For such a thick book with so much content, they compressed it too much. If they didn't, the movie would be too long so I forgive them for that. But what I cannot forgive them for, is the fact that they changed the story!!! Changing the story was a bad idea, seriously.

If you've watched Harry Potter and thought they compressed the book too much, or that they changed the story too much, then this movie is not for you! Because... it's much worse than Harry Potter is. I'm serious!

So anyway, started playing neopets. I played for a whole day. As usual, actually. Hahas, managed to make about 30k plus. A little more? Played those games tht give 1000 neopoints easily.

Anyway, been online for the whole day so that I would see Jun Yup online anytime. Yes yes, with the hope that he will talk to me.

Although that hasn't been happening much since he comes online just for a little while, then goes off for 'server testing'. In other words, gaming.

Damn, what's with guys and games?! I may be a gamer girl but I don't play that much and I certainly won't stop talking to my darling just to game. C'mon....

Today, I went online fully equipped with a topic to talk about, so was just waiting for the Guest-of-Honour to come online. Since today is the 11th, I was hoping... hmm.. perhaps he'd make today really special by staying online and talking to me properly.

But I was wrong. The minute he left for his game, I completely lost my mood. I just didn't want to talk about the topic anymore. Also, he came online so late, I had to go quite soon.... Sigh... There goes whatever special day I expected.

It's just worse than a stupid normal day. And I feel more alone than usual.

So I haven't blogged in awhile and that was due to me playing neopets for a whole day. I finally got a baby paintbrush! Hurrah! And then, I got a baby aisha. The only mistake I made was not zapping it first so that it would perhaps had some stat increment... Dang!

Well, went to Botanic Gardens again today. The so-called bloggers circle/mafia meeting. I'm the only Year 5 there can you believe it!? In the end, there wasn't any meeting. And JunYup and I were there late, so ya. We were playing Mafia and variations the whole day over there. Most of the time we were at the foodcourt, like WTH?!?!?

I've got a few things to say about Mafia games today...

1. Samuel!!!
Why'd you get so pissed?! Relax, dude, I haven't finished my sentence yet! But then, you were already swearing here and there I decided not to explain, or I get sweared at as well. So see, the thing is, you were really trying hard to defend yourself. So when JunYup said to hurry and finish the game, you refused when Dom kept saying to kill you, and told us to discuss further. So that's why I suspected you. Got it now? Yea? Alright? Chill.

2. Oddball
Okay, now why am I the quietest one there? There has got to be a reason! Okay, basically I don't really know all of you well. Or well enough. I can't really tell what's natural to you, or unnatural. So I don't know who to suspect, or who is the most suspiscious. I don't even get how you guys find out the persons so fast.

3. Disguise?
For me, I try to keep myself in the same expression, no matter what my role is. So I was quiet, and I just kept quiet throughout. Besides, you guys were so loud, I didn't really know what else to say.

Actually, that's about it.

Before I went to Botanic Gardens, I went to school to pass the treasury things for PSL camp to Mr Lee. There was a slight problem though, coz $50 went missing and nobody knew where it went to. Not my fault. I was jsut the one writing it down. The first time I told Mr Lee, his response was, "haha." -_- But everything was settled today, yeps.

Then after that, went into the staff room to photocopy the receipts and all, and Mr Ng commented on my receipts pasting. He said my receipts were all crumpled... Weiiiii, I have no choice if the receipts came to me all crumply horh!!! And not I use too much glue lorh, it's just that I never use dry glue.

Then, another teacher, who I shall NOT name, came to look for me and ended up having a chat. So, poor darling had to wait for a long time at Clementi. Must have bored him out. So, apologies JunYup!!!!!! >_<

Everytime i post, expect it to be something sad.
Not like anybody cares anyway. I'm probably doing this to document pieces of shit thrown at me. Expecially those thrown by him.

My parents lock me in a physical cage, and as if that's not good enough, YOU trap me in another type of cage.
I don't understand why you never hesitate in hurting my feelings.
Do you find it fun?
Why would you let me let go so easily?
Am I worth that little to you?
Then again. I'm not worth anything.
Not in anybody's heart.
Not even yours.
You only allow me in under some conditions...
If I do stuff that makes you happy...
If I am not sad. (If I'm sad, out I go. You won't care.)
If I don't get in your way.
Somebody would kidnap me and ask for ransom,
and the most you'd give is a stupid game.
Know why? Because from what I know, games are worth more than relationship.
You don't enjoy talking to me.
You'd rather talk to some other people.
You'd rather offer help to other people.
You'd rather play your games than talk to me.
And you don't care about how I feel when you leave me alone.
The boy who said, "I'll never leave you alone."
Somehow, it becomes my fault after that.
You don't even know when I cry.
Probably laughing with your friends while your beloved suffer.
Or am I?
"Never doubt my love for you, Kia."
And this is the way you treat me.
Never doubt?
How much am I worth, to you?
When I talk to you, you'd just scold me sometime when I'm talking.
Then you know what you say?
That I caused it.
And you, have no fault at all.
When I talk like a normal person,
you said I was whining.
When I was cursing myself,
you just assume I was cursing at you.
You have abandoned me after that.
Left me alone.
As I feel my world getting colder.
Getting darker.
Are you happy now that nobody wants me?
Are you happy now that I am crying on my own while you have your fun?
Are you happy now that I can't tall to you?
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Why do you say you love me
when you shower more attention on other people,
other girls,
other pixels?
Sorry if...
- I had screwed up your supposed Tueday's picnic
- I never (and cannot) give you what you want
- I am worth so little
- I made you think in the wrong angle
- I was 'childish'
- I was stubborn
- I don't listen to you
- You think I suck
- I am not good enough for you
- I get in your way all the time
- I am scared of being alone
- I am useless
- I wasn't a good enough punching bag for you
I probably left out loads of other stuff here.
But if you think I'm worth more than what I perceive myself to be, to you,
if you think you want to give me comfort,
and if you know what you've done,
the ways you've hurt me and said i brought it upon myself,
then come talk to me.
My pain is unbearable.

You know...

When someone disowns you and you cry?
Then someone comes and asks...
"Are you alright, little one?"
And he reaches out to you?
Then you take his hand...
And brings you to have some ice cream?

Well,
we all know that ice creams are cold...
But at this moment,
they're the warmest things...
Being left alone,
being lied to,
those are the things that make antarctica seem like desert.

And in the distance,
a little girl sings to herself...
A little faith, brightens a rainy day,
Life is difficult you can't go away.
Don't hide yourself in the corner,
you have my place to stay.
Sorrow is gonna say goodbye,
open up, you'll see the happy sunshine.
Keep going on with your dream,
chasing tomorrow sunrise,
this spirit can never die....
Sun will shine, my friend.
Won't let you cry, my dear.
Seeing you shed a tear,
makes my world disappear.
You'll never be alone in darkness.
See my smile, my friend.
We are you with you, holding hands.
You have got to believe
you are my destiny.
We're meant to be your friends,
that's what a friendship is...

And...
She's all alone...
Waiting for the friend who promised never to leave her alone.

I cooked lunch today.
And I watched Blood and chocolate.

It was quite a nice movie. The wolves were all so... elegant.
If the wolf I knew were that elegant...
I'd snuggle up and bury myself in the soft, warm fur...

Ah...
But he bites. Sometimes he doesn't care and he bites. Hard.
Yet,
He still seeks for someone to...
to...
hold him close.

Holding a predator close?

Seems dangerous. But keep hoping.

Been bitten many many times, and I'm still holding on to him. Yet...

He may never realise how painful it is to be bitten.

Read yup's blog and found it interesting, the quiz. Been a really long time since I did any, anyway, so I'll do it.

001. What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?
My mum.

002. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Once, or twice. When I got really pissed off and wanted to 'shut my ears'

003. What happened at 10.00am today?
I watched video! I love videos, dun really like TV.

004. When did you last cry?
Two nights ago. Mum nagged. Dad slept.

005. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
White bread. But i don't usually eat it anymore.

006. What do you want in your life right now?
Some friendly person who'll keep me company, 24/7. A sibling would be good. But for now, I think Jun yup does a good job, though impossible for 24/7 company to be possible.

007. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Umbrella, either the mickey mouse one, or the NUSH one.

008. What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
My smelly bolster. I'm the only one who can take it.

009. What bottom are you wearing now?
Pants. -_-

010. Whats the nicest text in your inbox say?
Any sweet messages from JunYup are the nicest.

011. Do you tend to make a relationships complicated?
No, what for?

012. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
No.

013. What was the last movie you caught?
Chronicles of Narnia- Prince Caspian. Free tickets~! So I told Yup to come along.

014. What are you proud of?
My boyfriend, JunYup! Nothing of myself.

015. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
Ruihan korkor sent me a funny message, about a year ago:
请输入“我与你吃饭”发送至“”，就有机会赢取与超人偶像一起用餐并可索取亲笔签名，还有机会合照哦！快点行动！

016. What was the last song you sang out loud?
Shining Friends. One of my favourite.

017. Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
Cassie, Kia, KiaKia.

018. What does your last received text message say? Who was it from?
From JunYup, that he's awake and cooking instant noodles. [Poor boy, always instant noodles...]

019. What time did you go to bed last night?
I'd say, about 12am.

020. Are you currently happy?
Yes~ JunYup's coming over later! :)

021. Who gives you best advice?
I don't know. I'd say Aaron, sometimes Mel.

022. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
Nope.

023. Who did you talk on the phone with last night?
Nobody... I dun usually get calls.

024. Is anything bugging you right now?
Yes, I guess so. How to fix gunbound.

025. What/Who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
JunYup. He kept having weird eye things and I kept saying, "See!!! You're doing the scary eyes thing again!"

026. Do you wear toe socks?
No...

027. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
Daniel. He tried to call me when I was in a no reception area.

028. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes... But I won't say much about it since... Ah never mind.

029. What annoys you most in a person?
"Fail." Enough said.

030. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Even if I did, I won't fall for it. I already have JunYup, and that's all I need.

031. Have you ever done cocaine?
No.

032. What is the colour of your room?
Pink and purple.

033. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
No. I'd rather that person live to get more people to hate them, and get tortured by it. Oops.

034. Do you believed in the saying "talk in cheap"?
You mean, "talk is cheap", right? I dunno.

035. Who was the last person to lay in your bed?
Nobody.

036. Who was the last person to hug you?
JunYup.

037. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
Refer to junyup's blog, quiz.

038. Do you have a life?
Guess so, but not much.

039. Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Nope.

040. What is the reason behind your profile song?
What's a profile song? I got no song.

041. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
Can't remember.

042. Last time you smiled?
Not sure.

043. Have you changed this year?
More independant, ya? Staying in bloody hostel.

044. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing......

045. Are you talking to someone when you doing this?
Myself. Otherwise, nobody.

046. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
Open.

047. Is there a quote you live by?
Something that talks about...... There is no misdeed that cannot be forgiven.

048. Do you want someone you can't have?
No, not really. Unless you count my grandpas, they passed away...

049. Have you ever played an instrument?
Piano, violin, recorder, harmonica, a few gamelan instruments, and oh yes, voice.

050. What was the worst idea you've had in this week?
Reformatting my comp. I didn't, in the end.

051. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
Reading the dark-hunter book.

052. Are you happy with your love life right now?
Yep.

053. What song describes your love life?
I don't know much about songs, and i guess... the most accurate song would be to imagine it in your head while you experience it. But no, I'm not going to let anyone sabotage my love life.

054. Does the person know that you like him/her?
Yes.

055. Who always makes you laugh?
Shudder.

056. Do you speak any other language other than English?
Chinese, teochew, abit of cantonese.

057. Are you blond?
No. Thankfully.

058. What your middle name?
Kiara

059. What are you doing tomorrow?
Suffering from loneliness all over again.

060. What do you think you are like?
A kid.

061. Who will you choose to die with?
JunYup. But only if I had to die.

062.Where have you been today?
Church.

063. What game do you play often?
RO, audition... Neopets?

064. Who are you missing right now?
JunYup... Everybody, actually. I hate being alone.

065. If you've to choose between friends & love, who will you choose?
Love. Hmm...

066. What are you doing right now?
Haha, typing.

067. Which primary school are you from?
CHIJ OLN

068. Name 3 colours that you like.
Purple, Pink, Blue

069. What emotion do you like to show?
Smiles.

070. What is life to you?
Quite a pain in the arse.

071. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Cry, or whine (as junyup says.) If not, I'll just try to solve it.

072. Who did you last chat with in msn today?
I forgot...

073. Who do you admire the most?
Angela.

074. Which month are you born in?
September!

075. How are you feeling right now?
Normal, i guess.

076. What is the time now?
12.33pm

077. Where are you now?
My roooooooom.

078. What colour did you use to dye hair?
Never dyed it.

079. Why are you doing this test?
Inspired.

080. What do you do when you're moody?
Cry and whine.

081. At which age you wish to get married?
26? 27?

082. Who is more important to you? A lover or friends?
Lover.

083. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Not much. Very little.

084. Who is the person you trust the most?
JunYup, still building.

86. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
That everybody will be happy.

087. What is your goal for this year?
Continue working hard. Getting JunYup to hand up his homework on time.

088. Do you believe in eternal love?
I don't know...

089. What feeling do you love most?
Hugs!

090. Do you really think its Global Warming now?
Yes, can't you see me melting?!

091. What feeling do you hate the most?
When people lie to me coz they know I trust them.

092. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
yes.

093. Do you believe in God?
Yes.

094. Who cares for you the most?
JunYup, I guess.

095. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Yes, living it.

096. What'll you bring when you fight?
Theodore. He'll do all the fast shots. If not, the whole gang.

097. What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
Losing mum's pencil.

098. What would you feel when everyone no longer cares for you?
Really sad.

099. What if your stead two-timed you?
Cry and whine. Then scare the shit out of the gal who made him two-time me. Or psycho her to give up. Hit her on her soft spot.

100. Love with a guarantee of heartbreak , or never to be loved at all ?
I don't know. I guess I'll take the risk. I hate being alone.