What's better than to wake up early on a lazy Saturday to go to school to take care of a bunch of 12-year-olds?

I had to reach school at 6.45am, and when I reached, I still had the weird voice everyone gets when they wake up. Haha.

I'm put in Mr. Chua's group, which is Green, and in-charge of 6a. So in Green 6, I had Johannes as my buddy, and among us we had a group of 13 kids, with only 3 girls. By the way, those kids aren't ours. They're other people's, and we're just there to be their group leader.

So anyway, we had a slightly bumpy start, with one of them getting sick. But in the end, he was well again and I think they had a fun time doing physics bright and early in the morning. Gee, if it were me I would have fainted. Well, the teachers sort of chased us out of the physics lab.

After that we had a break, with food. Sat down and had a little introduction circle again. They freaking didn't believe that I was year 6. One of them was sad that it is my last year in school.

[Sidenote: I do remember their names. I just don't want to invade their privacy.]

Their next station was chemistry, and that was their favorite station just because they got to do magic. Not. They just made canary yellow out of transparent! But oh wells, at least they enjoyed it. The funny part was when they mixed the two chemicals together and it burst into yellow. Some of them got shocked, like seriously. Haha.

Biology was fun. I knew practically everyone in the lab itself! And did abit of gossiping.

English and Math were just tests.

There were 3 really shocking things that happened in Green 6, and I shan't post it here coz it's so epic.

There were also mischievous people, but oh wells, they gotta behave if they really want a place in the school.

Very tired.

Today is like my first day at the NUS Marine Bio lab as an intern.

I would say that it isn't really that exciting.

In fact, I would say it was pretty scary, and I'm am super tired right now.

I reached super early because my mum made me leave the house early. I even spent time having breakfast at Macs. I had to wait because it was so weird, and nobody recognized me. I had to wait for Darren. So I walked around a little bit, and apparently Darren reached already but I didn't know.

So I sms-ed him, after asking around so many times for his number. He said he was in the lab already so he brought me in.

Met Dr. James. He said hi, and brought me to see Dr. Todd. Then, we talked for a little while. He gave me a visitor's NUS account, and gave me my first task.

To look for copyright-free images to use on the posters for upcoming DBS lecture series, as part of the events for DBS's 60^th anniversary.

You know how freaking hard it is to look for copyright-free images, HUH?!?

So annoyed when looking for them la. Didn't even know if such posters are considered commercial or non-commercial… It's like grey area or something.

I used mostly NUS images, then Wikipedia, looking for those non-copyrighted ones.

Found like about 4 or 5 for each lecture. There were 8 of them, and I had to find pictures for 7 of them.

I finished my first 6 quite quickly, though it was after lunch. The 7^th assignment wasn't given to me yet.

Wasted time by wandering around the lab, which is more like an office, and rather messy. For a long while, had nothing to do. Then in the end helped Darren and his friend to do some stuff. Tried to sort stuff from the mud stuff that has organisms in it.

Then Dr. Todd finished his consult and asked me for my assignment. And gave me a new one. He wasn't exactly overjoyed looking at the pictures, though I think they were quite alright. I guess he thought I had a search engine in my head. But anyways, I felt bad so I searched for more, so that he can choose.

And now I'm super tired.

The atmosphere there was so weird. I felt so odd there, nobody knew me. Nobody really cares anyway. Sigh.

I'm still annoyed that they locked our school emails. All thanks to some idiots who think they are cool and powerful.

I am still slightly pissed with Daniel, apparently. Coz…for various reasons la.

I am also annoyed with another person. A thought came to me recently. I realized that his circle of 'friends' change entirely every few months or so. He ditches his past friends, and come up with excuses to say that they suck. On the other hand, he complains that he has no friends, no friends. And his biased judgment too.

Well, even after being blocked by his tweensey lil girlie-girl, he still doesn't know how it feels.

He will never learn his lesson. I thought after being in someone's shoes, he'll understand. But now I doubt so, coz that's what his pride is for. And that is selfishness as well- wanting everything to be good to him, yet he wants to treat people like shit.

Oh wells.

I hope he learns then.

Michael Jackson says: "You are not alone."

And before anyone starts to think sick, I hereby state that I never once believed Michael Jackson is the bad guy who touches kids and whatever that is. He is a talented musician who has numerous inspiring music pieces, and so Michael Jackson haters can scram right now.

He sort of reminds me of Dumbledore.

Well, I know I'm not alone, but one can define loneliness as something unique.

Indeed, I am an only child. Loneliness is inevitable, especially when my parents go to work and I am left at home alone during the holidays. Even now, when I come home early, the sense of loneliness hits me just as a put a toe into my home. There is nobody.

I cry when my mum tells me she is going out shopping with her friends after work. Because then she will be home late. And I am left, all alone.

I don't have much desire to log on to MSN nowadays.

The only person who I take comfort in talking…. Never talks.

The only person who I can talk to… Heartlessly blocked me.

People who skim the surface of my emotions, oblivious and unable to bring comfort… They spam me.

The person who might listen… Says hi, and never replies with sincerity.

The person who will listen… Has their own troubles.

The other people… They never bring me comfort. And sometimes, bring pain.

Why should I come online then?

Nobody listens. Nobody who can comfort me talks to me. Yet those who cannot bring me comfort spams me. Most of the time, it's just people asking me for help.

Why can't, for once, I be the one who gets helped? The one who gets help whenever she asks for it?

He says I'm selfish. What about him? He has the key to keep me smiling, as least put a stop to the sinking into depression. Yet, he doesn't want to render such help. He'd very much rather see me weep harder because he knew he had hurt me. Is that being unselfish?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That is the ethic of reciprocity.

I help others, but do they stop and render help when I most need it?

As for him, I went to such measures to keep him happy. Does he?

No, if he did, he would not have blocked me. Neither would he have been elated at the aspect of me crying, being hurt. He would never have rejected my plea for his help. Because he knows he can make me smile, but he chose to make me suffer.

When the girl he loved so bad ditched him in such a glorious fashion (in her perspective), when everybody mocked him… I was the one who helped. I was the one who had comforted him sufficiently, even if it was just for a little while.

Should I regret my decision?

Just like others say I was foolish?

Perhaps, only perhaps, they were right. For he never exactly remembered such things. Again and again, he pushed me away in the most brutal manner.

I could have stood there, and mocked at such a being. Someone being fed his own bitter medicine. He finally stood where I stood, felt what I felt. And best of all, an ending everyone predicted. An ending that made him a laughing stock.

No, I didn't. I still remained a friend even after he called me geylang names, underestimated my trust, hit me, told me how lousy I was, and pushed me away forcefully.

And he can't even put in a little effort to make this person smile for a little while.

He keeps telling everyone he's a mentor to people, he wants to take on a mentorship role.

Is it not a basic quality for a mentor to be understanding?

If not, it should just be called Master and slave.

It's a more heartless way of 'mentoring', and that's what he's doing right now, disposing of what he deems unworthy of his presence/knowledge/whatever-care-he-has.

I have just finished reading Harry Potter, all seven of them.

And somehow they just remind me of what's going on in school. School really is undergoing some chaotic phase right now. Well, maybe, it always has been.

And it feels like there really is a Dark Lord in the school, who obviously I relate to a particular someone.

And indeed, the school can currently be divided into two groups: the 'Pures' and the mixed. 'Pures' referring to those students who have been in the school from the first year, while the mixed are the third-year-entrees.

Well, nowadays it really only is one group of mixed that are pristine, which is the current Year 6s. I won't say all individuals are the same, because some may have been conquered by the system or the majority.

One thing I notice is how the juniors never respect their seniors. Throughout my entire 3.5 years in this school, I have heard many cases of how juniors never respect their seniors. Perhaps they have never been in the mainstream and thus do not know the basic respect for their seniors. Pathetic, I say. This just shows how those 'Pures' do not know their basic respect.

One very common place of spotting such disrespect is at the lifts. I know how it is alright be be quite squashed in the lifts, but when it is so full… Do you expect anyone to constantly jump just to see how much the lift will bounce? Not only that, their bulky belongings just smack you all around as they go about enjoying their bouncy fiesta, without caring for anyone else. At this time, a senior gets annoyed and tells them to stop jumping. Their reply was, "You senior meh? Senior big ah?"

Also, there was once last year when we were waiting for the lifts to go to the 5^th floor, from the 1^st floor. It was raining that day so most of the Year 5s then decided to take the lifts. The lift first came from the 3^rd floor (concourse), and hung there for a little while before descending to the 1^st floor, where we were waiting. When the doors opened we saw this whole bunch of midget kids, and there wasn't enough space anymore. One of them boomed arrogantly, "NO SPACE BYEBYE!" and closed the lift doors. The funny thing, it stopped on the 4^th floor before coming down again. They took the lifts from the 3^rd floor to the 4^th floor. WTs.

Well, not only the students. The system seem to think we're unworthy of any senior privileges. This year they shifted our classrooms away to make way for Year 3s. Furthermore, they allotted one class the stairwell. So then they shifted that class to a classroom on another block, right in the middle of the Year 4s. While they argued it is unfair to split the Year 4s into clusters of 4 or 3, they think it alright to isolate one class from the entire level. And when the point was presented, they said this, "As seniors, we should give way for the younger ones."

Like what the? The juniors don't even regard us appropriately, and we're supposed to take their shit, even letting them have their way?

And things are going downhill after we had a change in principals. Whatever made my school such an awesome, special, and homely place was destroyed and slowly became more like a mainstream school. That is, a mainstream shell, and a sucky internal discipline. These two don't go well together. Teachers slowly left; to the point where the current Year 6s find it hard to find a teacher that has been with them for their entire school life. ALL our original mentors left. There is nothing we can say that is unique to us, except for our 'mixed' status.

I don't say that our current principal is bad or what. Yes, indeed he has brought our school to greater heights, let the world see us for who we are. Everything on the external is nice, glorious, and shiny. But I feel that the insides are slowly degenerating. The discipline is focused of the wrong areas, and everything just seems wrong.

Our new DM wasn't as good as the last. He honestly did not command much respect from the population. On formal days, he is the only one not wearing formal wear, just because his teaching area suggests lightwear. I mean, yes, other teachers teaching in the same field don't wear formal too, but I find it really hard to see a DM seriously if he isn't exactly abiding by the school rules. There was also that once he was reprimanding the school about being disrespectful, but while he was addressing us, he was leading on the podium on one arm, giving a sloppy appearance.

Oh, and there was once I got yelled at by a teacher just because I was going to school from the hostel for a short meeting, and I didn't tie my hair up. That was, anyway, post-exam period. Adding in the constant hair and attire checks, I don't really understand why the school is putting so much effort into attire checks. As I said, shiny outside, rotten inside.

Another thing is about food and drinks outside canteen. The whole idea is to NOT dirty the school or attracting pests. Many people have been scolded for bringing outside of the canteen. And scold means scolding, not just telling us to not bring it out of the canteen and to throw the food away.

Which brings me to the point that miscellaneous non-working staff in the school are having too much authority for their own good. This includes security guards. You know, they can scold students for anything they want to, like bouncing balls or something like that. SCOLD. I say, SCOLD. But after seeing how terrible the discipline is, I think they have such authority to handle the nonsense people in the school.

Recently, there has been a vandalism in school, as well as an outright questioning of the management and leadership department. I don't really see anything done about it. Being on the light side of these evil movements in school (thanks to information from dear dark lord), all I see in the whole thing is FAIL.

They never manage to solve such mischief in school, and the students are just going crazy just because they know that they never get caught. Also thanks to dear dark lord, who has a pool of his evil minions and spawn, I have a feeling this will never end. It must be bad fengshui for the school to attract such dark sort of people. Because, you know, all trouble just stem from one person. And you can't blame dear dark lord because… see? He didn't put his hand in it! He just made his little minions, or encourage them, to do so. And they will never be caught, partly because the school doesn't care. And all these I deduced from that blog of his.

Now the school can't trust its students, especially the 'Pures'. I remembered the time last year when we were encouraged to write our well-wishes on those balls that are going to be released into the Singapore River for New Year party. There were a great number of people writing sexual stuff, explicit stuff on the balls! I don't think in any mainstream school has such idiots. And yes, they were written by Pures, because I've seen them write those.

It really doesn't work to form the school up mainstream way, and expect people to behave sensibly. At least, not in our school. Creative minds, they also produce creative shit. Shit that can't be removed the normal way, get what I mean.

I'm lucky I only have a few more months left in my school. I honestly, really, loved the school. And now when everything seems all downhill, I only have that much to cherish, and the rest, I let go and escape. Because there's no way to fight it. Not anymore.

Today was quite a wasted day. I didn't manage to do any work at all, so that means I need to finish all my work tomorrow. Darn it.

I woke up late, then went down to have lunch. Did not do much. Then went home and read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. After which I felt it was sort of tiring for me to read, then I played with my dog. He pooped halfway through his playtime, so we put him back in his playpen instead.

Rested for a little while, then went to the airport to meet Kina and friends from Ritsumeikan High School. It was a jolly fun time.

So we went to Breeks to have dinner, and managed to talk to a few of them. It was good because the atmosphere was not as awkward as the last time with us and the Nanao Students. I think that's an area of improvement.

Near the end of the dinner, we dared Nithin to ask Ms. Bay for her birthday. He accepted the dare, and never gave up even until after dinner. The whole thing was quite hilarious, because Nithin is just so good at coming up with all those smooth talk statements. Lol.

We all went home after that.

And so I am back here typing about my day. I won't type my lengthy post yet.

Oh wells, I sort of wished I was more accomplished than how I am right now, because I feel like I have limited my choices in life too much. Like, I would really want to try many different areas of work in the future, and being specialized in science just makes the other jobs look impossible. I could try.

Ah. There is another thing though. I really am hopelessly stuck to someone. Although that is quite a good choice for me, being in such a state now really sucks. This is the definition of stuck, I tell you. I finally know the true feeling.

I could always force myself to let go. That is what I have been doing, forcing myself, for the past many many months. I eventually gave up right? And now I feel like I'm used to doing things that I absolutely hate. And guess what, it actually makes it more tolerable.

I wished I was not like that.

I feel so tempted to write a lengthy post about my school and all its weird-ness, but I'm really too tired today.

And seriously, these mornings I never have a good nap in the classroom. Well yeah, I can sleep, but there's all these unnecessary background noise that just goes all the way up to your mind. Someone should take action to drive noisemakers away, away from the 'sacred' grounds of the seniors.

And they can touch one another elsewhere.

School is definitely becoming such a weird place, and it's getting less difficult to spot biases. It is also much obvious now how everything is going down, as we try to keep afloat. Thank goodness it is my last year here.

Shall go rest soon.

Sick of the juniors in my school. I miss the seniors, and I do hope they reduce the number of Year 1 intakes. So that they can make space for more Year 3 intakes. This should be sufficient to balance out the bad sectors, provided these bad sectors don't spread their disease.

BUCK UP YOU PEOPLE! HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE AND BEHAVE LIKE HUMANS!

Madhawse.

People tend to let you rub their bellies when they are in need of a sense of comfort; But they claw at you when you seek them to give you a little comfort.

Yes, he tends to forget that unlike those friends of his, I actually did help him in times of need. What do I receive in turn? A shower of words like spears through my heart. And to know that I have been continuously replaced.

Last on the list, but too good for the boards.

Oh well.

Leopards don't change their spots, do they?

I'm seriously quite tired of roaming, and not having someone to go home to. Yes, I have found small shelters here and there, but I cannot stay there for long. And when it rains, I still get cold, and I still get wet.

All I want is a warm home that loves me being there.

Let's just say I've found such a house, but do not have the keys to it. They're missing, for some odd reason. And to me, that's the only house I want.

It's taking a toll on me.

And yesterday I met with a hurricane that mercilessly attacked me. I thought I was at least in a decent bit of shelter. After all, I used to do a little fixing here and there.

Today, I doused myself in whatever kindness Ty has shown me. It was a good feeling. After being so freaking upset last night, he was just like sanctuary. I know he won't hurt me, and thus can let my guard down without fear.

I'd do almost anything for him. Almost anything.

I just wished he could have a little more self confidence and give life a little risk factor?

Sigh. His love shall be my blanket.

Life has been facing a little mudslide nowadays.

My days have been filled with both sadness and happiness. The funny thing is, there were so many things that made me happy, and only one that could make me sad. Yet, I am sadder than I am happy.

Today I read The Little Prince, and I really liked the story. It opened my mind to a few concepts that really made sense- About the people in this world, and how everybody has no real goal yet are rushing all the time.

Slow down.

Yes, I think we all should stop and reflect on our lives and on the people around us, just for a little moment.

People who make me wait all the time makes me sad; so do people who ignore me. People who stop to gather help from me, yet never stopped when I required their help. Oh wells.

Sometimes I put in effort to work for something that I really want. Yet, I am greeted with failure, a dead end.

Seeing a smile makes me happy. But so close, yet so far. What if the smile isn't meant to be for me?

I want to thank those who have stopped to listen, to lend me a ear, or a shoulder.

Thank a friend long lost, now found. You know who you are.

I used to think that being able to handle failure and rejection is always something good. I am now feeling the impact of those buried emotions, those disappointments. And now, no, it isn't good at all. I am now so used to not getting the best, not getting what I deserve. I sink deeper into disappointments that fill my life.

That makes me screw up.

Because people step over me.

I want to rise again, to be someone who can get what she deserves. For putting in that much effort, I get that much reward. I know I do put in effort.

Just because life is unfair, I don't always have to be on the unfair side of things.

I got really angry today.

Fine. Anger resulting from jealousy. I think. Or from annoyance.

I am pissed that Ty gave so much more attention to Nella. Pissed that Nella keeps getting to close. Pissed that Ty totally ignored me for two whole lessons.

What's more I was talking to Gel, wanting to get rid of my frustrations, and then Ty had to stroll along, as if nothing ever happened. Of course, Ty was too obsessed with Nella to notice that I was getting upset, and never even asked if I was alright.

Of course, I would reply that I was fine. But still. He didn't even bother to ask.

And why does freaking Nella keep sitting beside Ty?! Alright I am pissed that she took over where I should be.

Freaking Nella.

It's getting to a point where I can really hate her if I want to.

What with the PHOTO.

What with excessive interaction and stealing attention away!

You know I almost wanted to tell her to shuddup when she called out to me?

Ty is at fault too horh.

I am angry today with Ty. More angry with Nella.

I got so angry that I had to raise my voice with him.

Oh my tian, I'm really sorry for that. But doesn't mean it isn't your fault either.

Anyways, had a really nice dinner today. I think, only two people will know about this. Yeps~ Takes my mind off things, catching up, and just talking. Having a friend. =)

That's what rocks.

Happy Youth Day everyone!

Today is Youth Day holiday, and we already planned our day well.

In the morning, Gel, Rad, and Theo and I went to Plaza Singapura for breakfast at Macs. Then we went to watch I Love You, Man at Cathay. It weirdly felt like a double date, though it really isnt'. It's just that we're in 1:1 ratio, haha.

After shopping at Carrefour, went back to my house to play Rockband.

Played for awhile, then ate, and then got a bit bored so we played poker.

Not your usual poker. What I mean is, POKE-r, where people poke people. It is ALWAYS only Rad and I who are poking, riding on the fact that we are both not ticklish. And you shall be glad to know that Angela isn't the most pokable person!

That's coz Theodore is more pokable. He squirms at any poke. Therefore, he is our main target today.

Oh, and we also watched the Butterfly Effect. So two movies in one day.

The one thing in common for our two movies is that they are both NC16. For one simple reason, they have a whole lot of F-words in there. If there were less, I think the story is quite good. Sigh. The F-words sort of just spoilt the whole family-ness of movies.

Theodore told me today that he tried to play Audition, but failed at it. =( There goes an audition buddy. But anyways his com lags like hell so he doesn't want to play audition either. He still likes Maple more. I mean, yea, he should like Maple more since he has like, lvl 120 plus character there.

I went to Ikea two days ago! Bought a table, and a bookshelf. They're all wooden colors. I wanted to get a solid color but my mum refuses. Sigh. So my room is all wooden now. And my living room is filled with glass stuff.

Oh, and I saw Xiaxue on my trip there. Here I will say that despite people who keep saying she's fake and all that nonsense, I actually think she looks fine as she is. I don't see anything wrong with her, and it is something amazing to be different from others as well. Look, she has the appropriate looks for whatever her hair is like, or whatever she wears. I don't think she's fake at all.

And I think Singapore is too conservative or something. Though her blogposts may be much complaints and being different and all, at least it provides a different perspective on stuff. Not like some people who treat Newspapers and news stuff as their way of life. Come on man, have your own thoughts can?

ZZZ.

School tomorrow.

I don't like going to school so early. But tomorrow Celine wants to discuss project. Sigh.

Oh wells, at least there's some incentive in going to school. Chemistry really drives me nuts. At least get to see someone.

Your scent remains in the air…

your scent lingers on my skin…

They make me feel my emotions.

My love.

You, for you.

Sense of touch.

Oh, how wonderful.

Ruffling your hair,

Fingers walking on your skin.

Your hands on mine.

My hands are for you to hold.

One day, yours will be mine to hold too.

I want to hold you,

To hug you for once.

You warm the depths of my soul.

Sunshine.

Mine, that's you.

Don't look away,

Don't walk away.

Don't take the shine away from me.

Keep the smile.

Yes, your sweet smile.

I…

I'm yours. *hums*

Today is like the busiest day of the week. Had English, Math, Bio, and PE.

English was kind of boring as usual. Teacher passed us two thick set of notes, and I really wonder how many trees were felled just to provide us with the paper. Hmm. I really should become a conservation specialist next time. I like to conserve the environment, as much as I can for now, I mean.

Math was interesting as we learned about complex numbers. Sort of like algebra-plus, because it was basically algebra, but with new stuff added in. We had lots of learning, and a few questions done.

A good break before Bio was in place. I went to see Ms. Lee, along with Gel. Thought she would like to sit in and all, besides, she already knows my troubles, and she loves psychology. Had a few enlightenment moments, but ultimately I still have to handle my problems by myself. Nobody can help me besides myself, right?

Biology was about Proteins. It was a good lesson, partly due to Ms. Kimberly Wu as my teacher. I didn't manage to sit beside Theo for the lesson though, so I think that was the only reason the lesson was not as enjoyable as I expected it to be.

Ah wells, I guess after having a constant table partner for 2 full semesters… Having this sudden change really does affect moods. I, for one, do not like much change. Big changes that flip my life onto a new blank page are alright, since I can once again start writing my own life story. However, minor changes like these really tick me off, because I have to write my life story with boundaries, forced to continue from before the change took place.

PE was mainly just taking height and weight. Not happy with my weight lor… Maybe because I ate much during the day. Oh well. Then everyone played Captain's Ball, the game I'm most afraid of because for many times in the past, my fingers always get stubbed whenever I catch the ball. I try my best not to catch the ball, unless it drops onto the floor and then I'll run to catch it. Hate it when the ball hits my fingers.

Well, at least I got to exercise today. I really hope we can get the dance sports lessons, because I don't want to play touch rugby or handball. Whatever it is. I still prefer dancing. I mean, prom's coming and I think we should all learn how to dance! Even if we don't dance during the prom, at least it has some value in our future right…

Tomorrow is going to be quite a short day, I realized. The only reason is because there is no CCA. CCA starts next week. And I need to find myself a gong player replacement for after I leave the school. Ah wells, Pin Lin would work, but I got to teach her how to play the gongs. I miss my gamelan. The gongs la, basically. The entire CCA team just seem so distant from me and they're too clique-ish, simply because most of the players now are year 5s, and there are only two year 6s. I love the gongs… My gongs.

I will be happy someday.

There were no lessons for me today. So I stayed at home the whole day, and gamed the whole day. Okay okay, I was able to game the whole day today because I finished my essay yesterday. =)

Sorry Theo… You're going to be the only one not doing the essay…

So anyway, early in the morning I received a call from Ms. Sng… Telling me that NUS Marine Biology Lab is "sorta full already". That's bullshit I tell you, that's what any organization says when they don't want you. So basically, they don't want me. (You can start to feel guilty now.)

I think I ought to send an email to Ms. Lee… Before I go insane and excessively depressed.