He has no right.
As much as I'd like to say my piece verbally and not through text like I've always done, I would not like to see his face to do that. And I know that without my saying my piece verbally, million year won't do any good for him to even begin to understand things from my point of view.
After so long, he still insists that I was the one who ruined the relationship.
Can you even believe that?
I think all my friends can vouch for me that ever since he left for another school, I have been the one fighting and holding on to the relationship. AND hearing such a statement from him is such an insult.
When he said I ruined it by being sad and negative, it felt as if I had no right to be sad whatever the circumstances are.
When he started his school term by telling me never to come back to visit him in his school, it was only normal for me to be sad.
When he implied I was ugly and imposed dressing rules for me, it was only natural for me to get upset.
When he was consistently late for our dinner dates even after I adhered to his dressing rules, it was only natural for me to be sad.
When he always said that he will go away next time, of course, I would be sad and negative.
And when the semester ended with him breaking all the promises he made to me, wouldn't you say I had the right to be sad?
I changed my outlook on life to be more positive, drawing strength from my relationship (which is the very thing he was determined to ruin). So really? Was I THE CAUSE?
While he was busy starting enjoying his time in his new environment, making new awesome friends, as excited as any freshmen could get, I was busy getting used to life without him in the same environment I was in for the past few years. Not only that, I was running for a position in the students' club. When I needed his support and vote during those trying times, he wasn't there. He was enjoying life.
And out of the blue, told me to go away and never come back to his hostel.
A guy who didn't treasure me, and didn't lift a single finger to solve the problems in the relationship, has no right whatsoever to blame me for the deterioration of it.
NO RIGHT.
After so long, he still insists that I was the one who ruined the relationship.
Can you even believe that?
I think all my friends can vouch for me that ever since he left for another school, I have been the one fighting and holding on to the relationship. AND hearing such a statement from him is such an insult.
When he said I ruined it by being sad and negative, it felt as if I had no right to be sad whatever the circumstances are.
When he started his school term by telling me never to come back to visit him in his school, it was only normal for me to be sad.
When he implied I was ugly and imposed dressing rules for me, it was only natural for me to get upset.
When he was consistently late for our dinner dates even after I adhered to his dressing rules, it was only natural for me to be sad.
When he always said that he will go away next time, of course, I would be sad and negative.
And when the semester ended with him breaking all the promises he made to me, wouldn't you say I had the right to be sad?
I changed my outlook on life to be more positive, drawing strength from my relationship (which is the very thing he was determined to ruin). So really? Was I THE CAUSE?
While he was busy starting enjoying his time in his new environment, making new awesome friends, as excited as any freshmen could get, I was busy getting used to life without him in the same environment I was in for the past few years. Not only that, I was running for a position in the students' club. When I needed his support and vote during those trying times, he wasn't there. He was enjoying life.
And out of the blue, told me to go away and never come back to his hostel.
A guy who didn't treasure me, and didn't lift a single finger to solve the problems in the relationship, has no right whatsoever to blame me for the deterioration of it.
NO RIGHT.
Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons
Whoever said I wasn't lonely, is a liar. Loneliness, is loneliness. And as much as I miss those times I have someone beside me, it hurts to know those moments were spent with a person who wasn't true. It doesn't make things better having someone who constantly thought of getting rid of you like some trash, sitting next to you, giving you hugs, and saying that he can't tell me that he loves me.
Okay, I am not trash. Even if I was meant to be born one, I won't make myself become one. So people who want to think of me as disposable, cheap, ugly and dirty, can go rot in HE double-hockey-sticks.
Today, my teacher smiled and said to me, "와... 카산드라! 너무 이뻐..." And I thought that had to be the nicest thing ever since... I just don't realize how I haven't felt pretty in a long while because of everything I was told by someone I trusted. How don't know how I could have taken his rude comment of saying how I must wear this, or dress a certain way, when I meet him or his friends. Or how I cannot come over to meet him if I didn't dress a certain way. To make things worse, he was always late whenever we wanted to go out for some dinner. I don't understand how him being late and disregarding our time together would make me want to dress for him in the first place.
Looks aren't about everything. I wasn't appreciated for who I am, I wasn't respected as a person or even a friend. I was just someone he could turn to when he has nobody to play with, and someone he could push aside whenever there was other people around to entertain him.
Sometimes I'm at home, wearing all the comfortable clothes walking around. And then I thought to myself, now I can wear whatever I want without being judged. Or worrying that I might make him lose face. And that, I realized, is something saying that I wasn't treasured. I should be someone that he is proud of, and not trying to hide from his friends, imposing conditions on me just so he doesn't 'lose face'. I'm not going to visit a place of residence dressed like I'm going for a fancy tea party or to a club. And I most certainly do not dress so that other guys can ogle at me. He should be one who makes cure no other guys so much as lay a finger on me.
I don't have to strut around in contact lenses everyday in fear of being labelled ugly for having spectacles. Myopia is something that I have to live with, and if he can't accept that then he's not respecting me as a person. I did not ask to be half-blind without an aid. And so what if I have to wear them? I wear because I can't see without them. Although, yes, I still do wear contact lenses regularly, but I do so because I'm not pressured to. And I don't have to keep them on beyond my comfort zone just for eye candy purposes.
If a guy doesn't fight for you even at the very end, he's a jerk. I did all I can, and he never lifted a finger to support this, to support us. At the very end, he couldn't even get himself to hold on to me. Nothing hurts more than the person you love and trust, telling you every other week that they just have to leave in the future. Nothing hurts more than that person bothering to spend half the day arguing with you, and say that they will not and can not say that they love you.
It's not fighting for me if you say that if I wanted you back, I had to agree to your conditions that I have to accept that you have to leave me next time for sure. That condition did not have a compromise on my side. All I want is to have the guy I love back, and the guy I love doesn't put an expiry date on us, and doesn't convince themself that it is all good and fine if they leave next time.
And he said 'if I wanted (him) back'. There was nothing stating how much you want me back, so it's not even fighting for me.
I'm not desperate, but rather, fighting for something I love. Someone I love, and apparently, he is gone into oblivion because of change, because of disrespect for me and us, and because of deteriorating maturity.
Life's stresses
Semester is coming to an end real soon.
This semester is going to be terrible as a sincerely fear a drop in my CAP. My modules haven't shown any good grades thus far, and I've seen many fails and below averages for them. But I can't do anything about what's done now, and can only look forward.
Still there is so much to do, and so little motivation.
Although things have not been too different, I just don't feel like my life is going anywhere for the long run. I am going to Korea for 5 months, yes, but I haven't even done preparations for it.
Heck, I haven't even done my mapping for it, except for 3 essential modules.
My PGP room has mould growing on its walls, and is totally mucking up my clothes in the closet, my towel, my toothbrush, everything. Ant continually raid my desk even though there isn't any bit of food on it. I really hate my room, really hate it.
All I wish for is for this semester to end, on a good note. I really do want good grades, although to be honest I can't see it happening. It has occurred to me that students in my school do not receive the grades they deserve. And even if one puts in much effort into studying, at the end of the day, it doesn't reward us appropriately. It's the bell curve, where good is not good enough, and excellent is not even good enough. I can be a very intelligent person, but can fail a module when I am not intelligent enough like the rest of my classmates are. Even if I studied day and evening, I can't get an A because someone else studied day and night.
Sigh.
I seriously think my life is screwed up, and has been from the start.
I had all these plans for myself a long time ago, and I've always dreamed of what I'd be doing at my age now but the hard truth is that none of them came true. Even though I've been through so much as a young girl, and learning about the world through the setbacks presented to me...
It still doesn't help that those setbacks are major enough to turn my entire life around and empty my dreams.
I believe in the butterfly effect. One small thing occurring somewhere can snowball and turn into a huge thing that ruins everything you ever dreamed about, wished for, worked for, strive for.
Having no motivation, I think... It was valid.
How I wished things would all change.
That I'd meet just that someone who knew to stay. Someone who'd accept me, imperfections and all. I know to love and treasure others because I was once a reject and an outcast whose sole purpose was to give others a reason to love me. I know what hurts, and what destroys... And to me, I don't seek perfection, and I don't seek a specific feeling. I just want someone who knew to stay and knew to fight for me.
I don't want to be unappreciated like I have always been.
The people who care for me, and are allowed to, are the ones who care through their actions and their heart. How many people out there can randomly ask how my week went? Everyone can. My true friends are the ones who ask about my week, and know how to take action for me.
When you block me from Facebook, it's a freaking sign you don't even care about me. Why bother asking me how my week went? It's fake, and it's disgusting. In my entire new university life, you are the one who has hurt me the most. You also became the most childish guy I've met. None of your actions have shown that you care for me. Of course, you do, but that is when you needed me to do shit for you. If you can't do anything to make me feel better after what you've done to me, after how much you've damaged me and ruined everything for me... Then I do not wish to tell you how my week went.
I'd rather talk to the people who really care and bother to do something for me to make me feel better.
You, are just freaking bent on forcing your thoughts onto me. Assuming that what you think is best for me, is what I want in life. You blame everything on me and the relationship whenever anything goes wrong. I am always the one fixing things for us, while you busied yourself pushing everything to me.
I lost my respect for you, the way you never respected me or my feelings.
So stop lying to yourself that you've my saviour. You're a destroyer, a menace, an incorrigible snobbish boy.
This semester is going to be terrible as a sincerely fear a drop in my CAP. My modules haven't shown any good grades thus far, and I've seen many fails and below averages for them. But I can't do anything about what's done now, and can only look forward.
Still there is so much to do, and so little motivation.
Although things have not been too different, I just don't feel like my life is going anywhere for the long run. I am going to Korea for 5 months, yes, but I haven't even done preparations for it.
Heck, I haven't even done my mapping for it, except for 3 essential modules.
My PGP room has mould growing on its walls, and is totally mucking up my clothes in the closet, my towel, my toothbrush, everything. Ant continually raid my desk even though there isn't any bit of food on it. I really hate my room, really hate it.
All I wish for is for this semester to end, on a good note. I really do want good grades, although to be honest I can't see it happening. It has occurred to me that students in my school do not receive the grades they deserve. And even if one puts in much effort into studying, at the end of the day, it doesn't reward us appropriately. It's the bell curve, where good is not good enough, and excellent is not even good enough. I can be a very intelligent person, but can fail a module when I am not intelligent enough like the rest of my classmates are. Even if I studied day and evening, I can't get an A because someone else studied day and night.
Sigh.
I seriously think my life is screwed up, and has been from the start.
I had all these plans for myself a long time ago, and I've always dreamed of what I'd be doing at my age now but the hard truth is that none of them came true. Even though I've been through so much as a young girl, and learning about the world through the setbacks presented to me...
It still doesn't help that those setbacks are major enough to turn my entire life around and empty my dreams.
I believe in the butterfly effect. One small thing occurring somewhere can snowball and turn into a huge thing that ruins everything you ever dreamed about, wished for, worked for, strive for.
Having no motivation, I think... It was valid.
How I wished things would all change.
That I'd meet just that someone who knew to stay. Someone who'd accept me, imperfections and all. I know to love and treasure others because I was once a reject and an outcast whose sole purpose was to give others a reason to love me. I know what hurts, and what destroys... And to me, I don't seek perfection, and I don't seek a specific feeling. I just want someone who knew to stay and knew to fight for me.
I don't want to be unappreciated like I have always been.
The people who care for me, and are allowed to, are the ones who care through their actions and their heart. How many people out there can randomly ask how my week went? Everyone can. My true friends are the ones who ask about my week, and know how to take action for me.
When you block me from Facebook, it's a freaking sign you don't even care about me. Why bother asking me how my week went? It's fake, and it's disgusting. In my entire new university life, you are the one who has hurt me the most. You also became the most childish guy I've met. None of your actions have shown that you care for me. Of course, you do, but that is when you needed me to do shit for you. If you can't do anything to make me feel better after what you've done to me, after how much you've damaged me and ruined everything for me... Then I do not wish to tell you how my week went.
I'd rather talk to the people who really care and bother to do something for me to make me feel better.
You, are just freaking bent on forcing your thoughts onto me. Assuming that what you think is best for me, is what I want in life. You blame everything on me and the relationship whenever anything goes wrong. I am always the one fixing things for us, while you busied yourself pushing everything to me.
I lost my respect for you, the way you never respected me or my feelings.
So stop lying to yourself that you've my saviour. You're a destroyer, a menace, an incorrigible snobbish boy.