Jun Yup is still being the he was since last night.......................
I so feel like inflicting real physical pain on myself to perhaps shift some of the pain in my heart somewhere else. I feel like putting my head in the fan. I feel like hitting my skull till it breaks. I feel like tearing a chunk of flesh off my arm. And I'm shivering, not from the cold, but from restricting myself from doing so.

Sigh, after this saga, after i can stand up to heal my own wounds, again by myself, I can then proceed to make those happy memories.

I just hope this will end tonight. Please, tonight.

And may I fall down and sprain/fracture my ankle tomorrow. Or get a joint injury.

Because when someone feels like it, I become from sweet little KiaKia to some warped mutant that gets in his way.

Constantly, AGAIN, being told to go look for someone else to fulfill my 'needs'. Pervvies out there, dun you think sick.

I personally think it's not very nice to tell your girlfriend that, no? Especially since a promise has been made not to say such very hurtful stuff to her?

On top of that keep being so very rude in response to genuine concern for the other party.

So here I shall state that I am being very tolerant, since I do not want to start ANY quarrel this week, the next week, and the week after the next. I am not being angry, and have no intention of using charged words, or words with any intention for emotional hurt to the other party.

Reasons being, I would be missing out on ALOT of time together with him, and also that quarreling doesn't make me happy, and also that I do not want to be hurt, and also that I do no want to lose my boyfriend.

Look to the ceiling, Cassie, take a deep breath and count to 5... Now smile. Good girl, Cassie.
Some people say that holding your breath helps in the masking of emotions, and I wonder if it really works. But... okay, it works for me. See? Cassie's not crying, right?

It's okay to be upset, I guess. And when you're upset, I guess it's also normal to be wishing that your boyfriend would make it better.

But now, Cassie has nobody to make her feel better. But then again, she usually settles these herself... Don't need to bother asking for extra comfort, I guess, unless it's offered. Those are really rare, like finding a wild four-leaf clover.

I didn't really plan what to type on this post, but hmm... Blogs are not supposed to be high school essays right?

Now, at this point, it's 11:11pm. Smiling to myself at the thought of it. 11, my favourite number, and it means so much to me. So very much. But then, at this moment, probably not. Nothing really lucky happened to me at that moment.

Jun Yup's still feeling rejective about me. Some peace and quiet he says. I guess there are some parts of his heart he still wouldn't let me know of.

If I were that mad, or so he says, the only person I'll want with me is Jun Yup. Nobody else, but Jun Yup. I'll ask everybody else to shut up, but I'll only listen to Jun Yup talk. I only want Jun Yup with me. I will yell at everybody else, but not at Jun Yup.

But it also actually depends. If Jun Yup is being ignorant about me then I most probably still feel sad, if not sadder? I mean, it's a privilege right? When Jun Yup is in a good enough mood and he will want to talk to me, nicely, lovingly, I suppose my anger will be gone very very soon.

If not, look up at the ceiling, take a deep breath and count to 5, then smile. Cassie tries to put on a smile, even if she's feeling down.

So what do you do when you feel sad? Do you cry to yourself? Curse and swear? Hide yourself in a closet? I'll probably cry and look for Jun Yup at the same time. Then probably can't find him because he doesn't want to be found by me, and then I end up crying by myself. Until much later when he finally appears and asks me what happened... I say that I have a cold.

Better than being a spoilt brat, then Jun Yup will say that I am a spoilt brat. That'd be so mean because I'm not a very spoilt brat.

Or maybe it's difficult to consider someone else's feelings when you're angry?

Actually running out of ideas soon, I'm just typing to distract myself, because Jun Yup told me to shut up and leave him alone so that he could have some PEACE AND QUIET. And then of course he said something that he shouldn't say just now, so what else can I do other than keep typing to delude myself that I'm actually typing a message to Jun Yup.

So strange, he was alright when he first came online. Then he suddenly changed and just want to kick me away, or put me back on the shelf, or whatever thing that is or how you say it as.

No, I am not trying to start any quarrels here. The objectives of this post has been stated. Somehow it feels better to be able to express the inner hurt somewhere? And the blog happens to be a really convenient place, though many be able to see it. Almost everybody who reads this knows Jun Yup, one way or another, so I guess they'll understand him enough not to go up to him and scold him or something.

Please don't scold him, alright? I don't want to shift my blog again. I don't want him to be pissed coz of my blog again.

So I'm wondering now whether I should say good night when I wanna go to sleep. He did say he wanted his PEACE and QUIET, and no doubt if I even want to tell him something it would be disrupting his peace and quiet. So I'm at a loss. Then again, if I were to wait for him to stop rejecting me like this, and stop saying that I'm hurting him (which I really believe I haven't.), then the last message he would send to me would be that he is going off. Then I will be very sad as well.

I've done like, so many things for him... So I'm secretly hoping I would slowly mean more and more to him... Not like someone disposable, or tradable, or whatever it is or whatever he is thinking I am now. Okay, then it's no more a secret now then.

Trying very hard to be optimistic and positive now. Hoping and hoping and praying that everything will be fine; that everything will be fine even before I go to bed and sleep. I'll probably have a cold tonight....

Jun Yup, please.... don't reject me this way.

Caitlin once said that almost all of my posts are depressing, so I shall jsut type something out here there ain't reflective of my true feelings for once. And you know some people say that the more you write, the better you get? I doubt it. Because everytime I'm sad or upset, I tend to write stuff. Unfortunately, when I acutally show some of my works to people, they say that it sucks. So yea, I really duno what's going on.

Today, I shall be talking about the boring aspects of Singapore.
If anybody weird sees this and thinks its bad for the country, please note that this is only about the boring aspect of Singapore. There are many interesting things as well, such as the zoos, the gardens, shopping and eating. Yep, so here we go.

Singapore lacks the seasons! Being so near the equator, Singapore does not have 4 seasons... No winter, no snow. So day in, day out, it's hot and humid, with the occasional breeze, always a treat. Why does it make it so boring? Well, let's say, you have a favourite season of the year. You'd actually look forward to the start of that season, thus making you more unaware of how slowly time crawls. And there are so many different events taking place in every season, wouldn't that make Singapore such a fun place?

Singapore shifted the time earlier, so we are actually 1 hour earlier than what we should be. Kids gotta go to school early, and usually when tey wake up, it's just dawn. The skies are still a greyish-blue, those lazy sleepy colors. When I went overseas once and was told to wake up at 6, the skies were a bright white! I guess the sun will perk anyone up in the morning, we're all so... zombish, in the dark morning.

That's all for now, I guess, tired of typing. Eyes dry dry...
The world is sick of me.

It's so unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The world is such a cruel place. Sobs.

Some people get what they want so easily while others have to work so much more just to get it. Some people never get it due to biasness. Some people lose theirs due to discrimination.

And some people who don't need it have it, while those that need it and want it badly don't have it.

Why is the world so unfair...

Some people just need to sit back and they'll have people spoonfeeding them.... While some people have to crawl on the floor to look for scraps lying around.

As for me...... I'm working really hard for the things, especially non-material things, that I wished I'd have. I'm working hard, but many just say I'm not working hard enough. Or sometimes nobody sees me working hard because they're busy trying to look at other things, being distracted. Then they say I'm not working.

Or when some people don't really do much for me, or care much for me, then when they need me, they want me to do something for them. It's just.... Unfair. Like, they don't treat me well, and yet they want me to help them with something.

And when I talk to some people, they just say that I should just solve my own problems by myself and not whine and complain about it...

But I'm not whining, and I'm not complaining... I just didn't want to bottle it up, and I want to let you know, and seek your opinion.

I think, the world is sick of me.

Last night, I went to Pinn Xian's hse for her birthday party/BBQ. Very nice house indeed. Lol.
Loads of Cedar ppl and her TJ friends went.

At first, not many people so I was quite bored and felt very awkward. Yes, and I have a blister that hurt as well. Like, the only person I knew was XiuXian and we weren't exactly very close as well.

But then, shortly after, I realised that Yusin and Sharron were there as well, but didn't talk much. Just said a hi. And I think Sharron went back to her gang of friends, who obviously I didn't know. And i bet one of the guys there is her bf or something. Not surprising, seeing how Cedar always produces pretty/chio/cute little girls. Maybe that's why I left... Coz i dun meet their "chio" standard. I duno? Joking... But seriously. My friends are all SO pretty/cute/chio, except like, me? I looked.... so different, worse. =X

And there was Sylvia. She's so pretty now. And her bf is cute as well (no offense, junyup.), lol, and they suit each other so... Yeah. Very nice couple. And her bf keeps scaring us with his ghost stories. -_- Well, at least there were stories. Sent them both to the mrt station after they wanter to go home.

Deborah Sim was there too. That cute gal... Always makes people smile. And she's smart. She's smart k... Bleh. Talked more to her during the whole thing.

There's still..... Charmaine. That smart gal, now so pretty, go to RJC sumore. O.o But not surprising la, she's always been so smart.

And Luo Wei!!!! Omg... that gal still has a good sense of humour. She was the one who's most freaked out by them ghost stories. And she keeps pestering me to find her that CUTE NUS HIGH BOY that she sees all the time. But she didn't give me any information about how he looks like, how to find la.... but then again, there aren't many cute boys in my school, so well...hmm...

Jiani. She came so freaking late. She looks so much cuter now, and she's not attached! Hahas. Talked to her a little. Hmm...

And Yanling, my table partner. She used to be a really really quiet and average gal. Then when I left the school, she got some freaking makeover and now she's like some super cute gal who's quite popular in her JC now. Ytd she was telling us how now she's not popular anymore. =( Aww. But she's so so so changed now. Lol.

Pinn Xian the birthday gal... She didn't change much except now that she looks pretty as well, hahas. So nice of her to invite her friends over for a party. Her bro's pretty loud, and he wears his darth vader and batman costumes. Hahas.

Ah wells, should end here for now. Missed my old friends, but now it seems like oops. I'm not in the same league as them... They all SO pretty and all. And me? *stares at myself in the mirror and cries*

Gah. I suck.

I dunno how many people actually read this blog. Or actually, those that are looking forward to any post I make since nowadays I don't blog too much. But i think i really should get back to blogging more frequently. Sorry.

I think I've lost my readers though. And I can tell that my readers aren't that loyal anyway. Either that or they dun really care. Oh wells.

My life, so far, has been more or less alright. Some unstable things have been made more stable now. For now. But my tolerance to certain stuffs have been really bad these few days. I think it takes some time to finally realise how someone is getting on your nerves.

No, not exactly getting on my nerves, not that person. But more of, what happens around that person. Not saying who though. Too confidential, you know. But i guess it happens. Some people are always better than you are, and there's nothing you can do about it.

And some people are more influential than you are and no matter how much you try... it doesn't realy work, now, can it?

It's soooooooooo funny I tell you.

Tan Jun Yup.

Last night:
Quote, "I don't want anything more to do with you today."
Next action, Block me on msn.

Today:
Was online earlier than me, did not say hi first.*
I said hi an hour later.
Accused me of not saying hi first earlier: Quote, "You were the one who didn't say hi to me all day"
I told him he was the one who FIRST said he didn't want anything to do with me, AND blocked me.
He said: "No, it's got a timer. It ended last night."
With regards to blocking me,
He said: "I unblocked you last night."
And was I online at that time? NO.
He does not want to apologise for his actions,
So he says: "You do it all the time as well."
The fact is, he blocks me, on average, at least once a week.
Number of times so far I blocked him: 2.

*When I am online earlier and I don't say hi to him, he blames me. He says it's easier for me to just click the alert and a chat window pops up, as compared to opening up the contact list to find the name. And now, he's online first, and blaming me for not saying hi first.

The best thing:
Mr illogical: "I'll be going off soon. Say what you wanna say before I leave."
I say: "Does anything I say/do matter to you? Does how I feel matter to you?"
After a few seconds of typing,
he says: THEY DON'T.
So if they don't matter to him, then why tell me to do it?
His reply: "Cause I was hoping you'll come to your senses and play nice. Turns out I was wrong, as usual."

Analyze the above situation, and laugh at that statement. WHO was the one not playing nice first? And note also, that I did not do anything that insulted him last night.

Quoting him again,
"Because you don't live up to my standards.
If you're not happy with that
Find someone with lower expectations."

This is the quote I get all the time.

As well as this:
"You cry all the time, it doesn't matter to me anymore."

Thing is, he never gave a thought to WHAT I AM CRYING OVER.