Sheesh this is stupid. I went to Malaysia for CNY, then somehow Dad got a cold or something, so he passed it to me. I caught it at first, but was alright the next day. Then last night I started sneezing and this morning I got owned. Gotta go see a doctor, which I did.

Now I have to eat antibiotics, which I dislike. And the drowsy meds. Shucks, I still have English journal, compo, chem report, and math homeworkS to do. WTH.

At least i finished Bio.

Sigh. It would be great if there wasn't homework like that. Stupid English.

I'm sick of CNY, seriously. The repetitive Chinese music playing in the background everywhere I go just makes me wanna faint. It's like being trapped in some sort of nightmare.
Nobody's there.....
The timing of it this year is bad. Damn bad. Like what? Monday and Tuesday. Not really much of any holiday for us. First is the homework. Second, I need to go to the same place for 3 days in a row (grandma's house). Today is the 2nd day, and there's still tomorrow to go, someone please stop all these time wasters. Third, I can't sleep in. I have to wake up like super early for both days, and then the day after that, for school. Fourth, it's a time waster. There's nothing to do except eat food and play cards and waste money. When I get shipped off, I get cut off from my buds because there's no internet. Oh save me.

And anyway, I realised my parents are the opposite of who I am.
First up, Mum. She's a hermit. I'm not. She freaks out and hides whenever we go out shopping and she sees one of her friends or past friends. And when I was younger and had lesser social life, she always freaks out and refuse whenever I want to hold a party at home. Now it's sort of better because she partially understands that I am definitely not gonna be hermit like her.
Oh, and she thinks everything is dangerous. Yea yea, everything has their own risks, but that doesn't mean you completely stop doing it! If that were the case I'd have stopped breathing.
Then there's Dad. He's a slacker. Yea, he does his workjob everyday. But he has never helped with the chores ever, never bought a gift for my mum. He comes home, does nothing, and then sleep. Even on weekends. He sleeps, then wakes up for lunch, then he exclaims that he is DAMN DAMN tired, and he goes back to sleep, to wake up for dinner later. And then after dinner, he reads stuff for like 5 minutes, and then goes to sleep. WTH. That's just stupid. Oh, and he doesn't really worry about me, so much that it freaks me out. Sometimes he just thinks I'm a burden for him. He'd rather sleep than making sure I get home safe and sound. And he rather I wake up at weird hours to reach somewhere he can reach in less than 30 minutes.

And my parents are *I think* sorta weird thinking people. They believe that when a guy and a girl sleeps in the same room. Note I said room, not bed. They'll start making little people, like how bunnies make little bunnies poof out of nowhere. Sheesh, seriously. We're human, not animals. Or bunnies.

And I also dislike how Dad's being a hypocrite. He keeps telling me that fast-food isn't good and all that crap. In fact, he complains about alot of the food that we dabao. And he drinks carbonated/sweetened drinks for lunch and dinner. Wow, he thinks that's gonna make it even healthier. He'll get diabetes even faster than I got arteriosclerosis at this rate, sheesh.

Okay... enough talking about my parents. They may be the opposite of me but they're still my parents and I'm glad about that.

Still, nothing seems to be improving. The thingie is still at a standstill, still the same distance. It's sort of difficult because there's always the question of should I stay, move forward, or just walk away. But I dun think I'll walk backwards. I like it this way, though it could be better.

Maybe I'm starting to learn about certain things. And I'm more aware now than ever. Yes, after all that walking through scorching desserts without my buddy even reaching out for me. Great that I survived it. I just need some healing. And that, comes from your smile. Another expedition like that won't be necessary.

I'll be your moon for now, revolving around you, my Earth. I feel the gravity of it all, yet I'm not going to get any closer.

Oh this has got to be the longest running blog ever.



Hmm...



I'm still waiting. For the day I'm waiting to come.



But sometimes I just want people to know,



and a response isn't really necessary.



I just need them to know. Understand.



That's it.

I didn't know what to put in the title, so that would do. It's sorta boring. And i think I'll really dislike CNY. I get so sick of it, you know, year after year, relatives just keep saying that I grew thinner or fatter. Old people stuffing my face full of new year food that i get so sick of eating. And of course going to Malaysia... The stifling long rides to and fro.... And the thing is I can't sleep late even in Malaysia.... Because the old people will wake up early, and then mum will, and then she makes me wake up early too... Apparently waking up at 10am is considered too late.

Sheesh. I'm sorta frustrated now...

IR's just in a mess now because Mr Yap isn't in and we're just doing what we think is correct. But the thing is we 3 sometimes got differing opinions... And then we dun really have anybody to ask. Ms Lim is leaving us... and now we have new Ms Tsan taking care of us. She's always so stressed out and all, and I dun really think she knows too much about our project to advise us. Our kiddies are definitely going to die soon...

Today was a blur of events. Mainly because I want to choose to erase the memories of today away. And that is because today wasn't what I expected it to be. CNY... sigh. But just to leave it here... Well, we had CNY celebrations. The performance itself was alright. The choir sang better this time and they had proper actions and props and more people. And Angela's dance club had put up a colorful performance with a vibrant song.

To someone, the dance wasn't as spectacular, but actually I really enjoy the dances that Angela and her team have presented for us. In my previous school, the dances we see are always so abstract, so... weird and emo and slow.

After CNY at school, a group of us went to Holland Village to eat. Then the group further split up. Some went to eat Laksa/Nasi Lemak, while some went to Swensons. I stayed at the Laksa/Nasi Lemak place with Joshua, Hao Yi, Theodore, Aaron, John, and Lennard. The heat was a killer. But it was alright. But whatever happened there is now a blur to me. Because at that moment I had a really bad feeling about stuff. Then Lennard went back to school because he forgot to submit his Biology assignment. Oh, Michelle, WeiYing, Renee, Conrad, Darren, they went to Swensons.

After we were done with our meal, we walked to Swensons to join them. I was mostly walking alone, like I didn't really exist. The heat was still killing me. Then we reached Swensons. Sat for awhile to wait for them to finish their food, before I ordered a single scoop mango. It was a horrible atmosphere as I felt out of place, really. And all I really had to talk to were WeiYing and Aaron. Theo was mostly talking to Michelle and Renee and the others, by shouting across the table coz they were that far apart. So it was a very weird atmosphere. Niichan joined us shortly after and he bought a sundae. When Niichan asked if anybody wanted the cherry, I originally wanted it but obviously got ignored... So then Theo conveniently took the cherry and ate it. His freaking 2nd or 3rd cherry I forgot.

I felt so awkward after that. Like I sort of regretted going for that outing.

And then we walked to the MRT station. Guess who I saw... While we were going up the escalator, I saw a bunch of Yr 5s and then I realised that he was in that group. Then while we were going off the escalator, one of the guys [who was in a pink shirt], kept staring at me like I was an escaped criminal. I stared back at him.

And then, I went home.

Sms-ed Aaron about the awkwardness. And he agreed, sort of. So I guess I'm not the only person feeling that way.

Although I'm in no position to say or do anything about this... Sigh. I really hate it when she pulls him on the sleeve that way and whispers stuff into his ear. And it's not really whispering, it's like, speaking really really softly on purpose. So that he has to bend down to smack his ear right onto her mouth to hear what she's saying. It's just weird. Can't she just talk normally? Sheesh.

And also how he just manages to ignore me whenever she's around. It's plain annoying.

Wished she would stay away for just a little longer.

But if it starts, then I can't stop it anymore. And that is also why my lips are closed now.

Well at least someone else has luck on their side. But I won't say it's totally luck, they did put in effort as well. And definitely more than me, because they can, but I can't. Circumstances just don't allow things to go a certain direction.

Wonder if there's a cheatcode lying around.
Nah.

And today... it was just as if... a deep black hole appears in the middle of me. It was just, weird. And in certain ways, strike some fear and anger in me. It's just wrong.

It's damn idiotic.

You know, it really breaks someone really hard when that person is in a relationship, and the other partner just keeps saying that he/she never loved you. Although I did survive a few rounds of it, I'm actually more shattered than ever.
The first time I heard it I didn't want to believe it, and I did when I clarified that he wasn't going to regret his words. Then there's really no point left... I wanted to give him another chance because I placed my trust in him. A chance, then two, then more, to fix me: pick up the pieces and glue it back all together. But no.
Whenever he had the chance, he would hang out with other girls, and not me.
And then, I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore, and I took it in that he doesn't love me and he never did.

It is hard to trust again. I don't know how to differentiate truth from lie; all thanks to the constant lies I've been fed and forced to believe. He just thinks it's all a joke, for his entertainment. So I've been struggling, to once again believe in the people around me.

And I wait for people to smile at me before I smile at them, because I fear rejection. I fear they won't see me as a friend. So oniichan, please, I would like to, but I still fear. You know what I'm talking about.

Yes, so I do feel good about a certain someone. But it doesn't mean I have to be with him. Liking someone isn't just about getting them to like you back, although that would be the bestest bestest thing ever. Such a thing isn't that easy for me. Coz there're like those 'elite chicks' out there (yes, oniichan), that guys can't resist. And as for me, I'm like, on clearance sale or something.

I fail at this really. But if I do get into another relationship, I'd love that person very very much, provided he does love me back. This i can promise. I just suck at getting them to notice me at all.

Liking someone is also about wanting them to be happy.

I'd cry, even is that's what you need to be happy.

I know I may not good enough for people, but I try.


And oh, oniichan, thanks so much for care.

I feel so bad for the times I neglected my friends. I know that I can never placate all my friends, but yet there's a big part of me that wanna tell them that they all mean a lot to me, and that they're always wanted.

I dun want to leave them alone because I know how sad it is to be alone, or left alone. If I can't obtain what I wish for, the least I could do is to prevent my friends from feeling that gloom. But then I'm sorry that I'm not doing a good job. I'm so sorry.

I wish for everyone to be not sad, at least. And I can't pay attention to so many people at the same time. I would split myself if I could to be with all of you great people.

Just remember, all my friends, that if nobody wants you, YOU STILL HAVE CASSIE. I really treasure all of you, my friends, and you mean a lot to me.

Everybody keeps saying that everyone has a purpose being here, being born, living on this Earth. And everybody says there everyone's unique, and special in their own way. And this is also the lie that I use to decieve myself, again and again.

Perhaps there are some people on Earth that are never meant to be loved, no matter what they do. They don't matter to the people around them, and nobody will give a damn about them. They can be hurt, and left to bled to death, because nobody bothers.

These damned space fillers of the universe. Perhaps I was born one of them.

No matter how good I think myself to be, I will never be considered good enough. I try to learn to do more things, then perhaps I may find something that I am talented in, naturally good at. But I can't.

When I first learnt the piano, I thought I was at least good. I was proud of myself for getting a pass in the exams, or maybe a merit. But everybody else were getting distinctions.
And this is just one example.

There will always be someone else around me that makes me look so lousy. Always. And so nobody has ever taken one look at me, and I have never meant the world to anyone at all. Perhaps not even my parents.

Even when I ask my parents, 'In what way am I special? What do you think when I'm good at?' They couldn't answer my question. They stood there, thought for a moment, then walked away.
I am such a disappointment, even to my parents.

Since young, I've always been left alone. I have friends, but they were never always with me. The countless tears I've shed... they were all out of fear of being alone... The eternal longing to belong somewhere, to someone... The desire to be shielded...

Then when I had someone I could trust in, I was hurt by that person. Broken.

I walk on the roads by myself, carrying my own burdens. I turn around and I see groups of people, so happy being with the people who care for them. And I look at myself, all alone.

Maybe this is the life I am born into. A life of solitude and depression. Not belonging anywhere. Not worth anything.

So I've risked my neck for you, like twice. Usually I won't do this kind of thing, but I did. I didn't know why, I just did. But also thank you so much for your responsibility. You stuck to your word.

Shall wait.

Anyways, went to watch Yes Man today and it was a really funny movie. But it brought along quite an impactful message. Watch it if you haven't, and no spoilers here so don't worry.

And why does everybody want earphones?! I dunno why, it seems like everybody's looking for a pair. But I never really looked for a pair. The pair of earphones that came with my two creative mp3 players have been more than sufficient for me. Lol, and they never broke *touch wood* Lol.

Hmm. Actually getting to go home everyday's sorta quite nice as well. Although I do miss the bonding time we had in the hostel.... But then it's more carefree not worrying about getting home on time or anything, unless parents are too strict.

I feel very light nowadays, like I could just be blown away by a wind. Or like I could go cloud bouncing. But then there's some weights appearing now and then on my feet that attempt to drag me back down to the ground and it's totally annoying.

Shall put a small note here.
Wells, this is our final year in school. I dunno how clear do we have to make this, it's just so difficult to embrace. Being the 'sandwich' batch, we were never really loved, so to say, because you get the pioneers when you look up or down. And we're just.... there. A space-filler.
We just hoped that since it is our final year, perhaps, just this once, go through a little bit of inconvenience? We've already had everything taken from us. all except 03 had mentor changes, and we had Mr Ng from year 3 to mid year 5. It wasn't only 03 that loved him, the whole level did, and Mr Ng was our strong support. But he too, left. Other teachers that loved our level left as well. All we have left that reminded us of our beginnings, those memories, were our classrooms. And now, they're taken away from us as well. We must always be the one giving way, giving up what we have for the rest. And now we have to give way as well just because we're the smallest level. So, does it naturally mean that we are easier to toss around? That we should be just ignored? Not worth any inconvenience?

The past two school days have been quite amazing. And I don't know how to keep up with the pace of my own life. For now I can... Iron my own clothes, wake up at 0530, cook my breakfast, come home and do my work, wash the dishes abit... But damn, is it gonna die off?

Anyways, been having a nice life so far. Things are so smooth for these two school days and i've been enjoying them. Orientation was just a little bit scary.

It's just quite stressful how now I'm labelled as the bad person because of certain stuffs. It's like I never had such stuff occur to me, and now that I've given up and the other party has to experience it..... I'm the bad person. I think it's just like that, that they have to accept the things that happen. Not blame me for whatever that has occurred. Not like I never warned them.

But it's still nice being beside such a strong figure. And it tickles me to have been cheered by such a person, all the funny funny things said and acted. Today's was exceptionally cute, if you get what I mean. I could have heard the slight oopsie in the voice lol.

And the top paragraph doesn't mean anything coz I do not expect anyone to understand it, even if you witnessed it. Only me to understand hahas.

Math was so boring today I struggled to keep myself awake. I should have helped in the Friendship game. It sounded fun, but I think my time in math class was worthwhile too.
one reason is coz the teachers weren't angry at all. They were in fact in a very good mood. Yay.
But Mr Tan gave us homework... wth... Due on friday sumore!