The train.
Waiting for the train to come, she put her earphones on and hit shuffle on her iPod. Nothing is more comforting than the sound of familiar music blasting in her ears, drowning out the sounds around her. Because amidst the shuffling of feet, people in conversation, children squealing and the whirr of the world, an eerie silence of loneliness surrounds her.
As the train pulls in, she moved swiftly and found a seat. Sandwiched between two obese individuals, she closed her eyes. Because despite the encroachment of personal space with people in close proximity, she was alone. That is how the human mind works, we tolerate encroachment of personal space in public because we imagine others as inanimate object... And once someone in your personal space starts interacting with you, we are disturbed and move away.
Heaving a sigh, with EXO-K's 'Mama' playing in her ears, she opened her eyes and observed the world around her.
At a corner, near the dormant sliding doors, there were... a girl, and a boy. They were talking, smiling at each other. She was reminded of a time when she had such moments. It was a boy, who used to hold her like she mattered. And now, it is no more. Better to have lost than to be held... and then dropped and shattered to pieces later, She thought.
It worked. She didn't feel regret about leaving that jerk of a guy. For all she's known, she had done her best holding on to something that could die at any moment. But there came a time where he had hurt her one too many times. He didn't know to treasure her, and she was done being a cheap, manipulated individual in the world. To save her soul from further damage, she left.
A part of her still wanted her love. A want to be held like she mattered. To be important, to be treasured, to be loved. But she knew to stop expecting. If she was alone, maybe it was because she was meant to be. And if it's her fate, she knew that no matter how hard she tried, she would never win fate.
You're meant to be alone in this world.
She has heard this being told to her how many times... And life continues to taunt her with the things she'll never have for herself.
Damnit, She thought to herself.
In the seat opposite hers, a girl in her early twenties was happily typing messages on her phone. She looked down at her own phone, and scrolled through her contacts, hoping to find at least someone she could chat with... Someone who was willing to spend time on their phones talking about anything under the sun with her.
None. She paused at a name she knew too well over the past month or so... But she knew that it won't be right to be talking to him. He was a close friend... Just not close enough. Everything she thought wouldn't happen, actually happened with him. A wave a huge disappointment swept over her mind as she pondered about the sequence of events they've been through.
The more she pondered, the more evidence she found for her disappointment. She saw how a friendship could be destroyed, and this time, she didn't want to save it. She figured it would cost her more to save it than it was worth. She thought of him as a close friend and was that close to trusting again... yet everything changed. Similarly, she wasn't really treasured.
Nobody like to be compared like that, especially not her. She didn't know what's wrong with her life. No matter how hard she tried, she'd end up lagging behind someone who she didn't know how-the-hell-he/she-got-there. Blame it on the damn fates again. Just when she was doing so well, the fates panicked and plopped someone else there to foil her plans. Damn fates.
'NEXT STATION, DHOBY GHAUT INTERCHANGE. PASSENGERS...'
She sighed once more, picked up her bag, stood up and got ready to alight.
Afterall, everyone ends up alone.
As the train pulls in, she moved swiftly and found a seat. Sandwiched between two obese individuals, she closed her eyes. Because despite the encroachment of personal space with people in close proximity, she was alone. That is how the human mind works, we tolerate encroachment of personal space in public because we imagine others as inanimate object... And once someone in your personal space starts interacting with you, we are disturbed and move away.
Heaving a sigh, with EXO-K's 'Mama' playing in her ears, she opened her eyes and observed the world around her.
At a corner, near the dormant sliding doors, there were... a girl, and a boy. They were talking, smiling at each other. She was reminded of a time when she had such moments. It was a boy, who used to hold her like she mattered. And now, it is no more. Better to have lost than to be held... and then dropped and shattered to pieces later, She thought.
It worked. She didn't feel regret about leaving that jerk of a guy. For all she's known, she had done her best holding on to something that could die at any moment. But there came a time where he had hurt her one too many times. He didn't know to treasure her, and she was done being a cheap, manipulated individual in the world. To save her soul from further damage, she left.
A part of her still wanted her love. A want to be held like she mattered. To be important, to be treasured, to be loved. But she knew to stop expecting. If she was alone, maybe it was because she was meant to be. And if it's her fate, she knew that no matter how hard she tried, she would never win fate.
You're meant to be alone in this world.
She has heard this being told to her how many times... And life continues to taunt her with the things she'll never have for herself.
Damnit, She thought to herself.
In the seat opposite hers, a girl in her early twenties was happily typing messages on her phone. She looked down at her own phone, and scrolled through her contacts, hoping to find at least someone she could chat with... Someone who was willing to spend time on their phones talking about anything under the sun with her.
None. She paused at a name she knew too well over the past month or so... But she knew that it won't be right to be talking to him. He was a close friend... Just not close enough. Everything she thought wouldn't happen, actually happened with him. A wave a huge disappointment swept over her mind as she pondered about the sequence of events they've been through.
The more she pondered, the more evidence she found for her disappointment. She saw how a friendship could be destroyed, and this time, she didn't want to save it. She figured it would cost her more to save it than it was worth. She thought of him as a close friend and was that close to trusting again... yet everything changed. Similarly, she wasn't really treasured.
Nobody like to be compared like that, especially not her. She didn't know what's wrong with her life. No matter how hard she tried, she'd end up lagging behind someone who she didn't know how-the-hell-he/she-got-there. Blame it on the damn fates again. Just when she was doing so well, the fates panicked and plopped someone else there to foil her plans. Damn fates.
'NEXT STATION, DHOBY GHAUT INTERCHANGE. PASSENGERS...'
She sighed once more, picked up her bag, stood up and got ready to alight.
Afterall, everyone ends up alone.
Eh Please. Independence.
I don't know how my parents are going to survive while I am away in Korea. I honestly, in all honestly, feel like suddenly everything is all too inconvenient, and then they just won't do anything.
Today my Dad brought back this weird device which he says can be connected to the TV for internet access. When I first walked past him and saw it, I had no idea what it even was. And then he asked me to go fix this up. Like, hello? You're the guy, you work as a technician, and you set up computers and networks in our house even before I knew how to switch on a computer.
And you tell me to go fix up something that I have no single idea about it?
You could just look at the port and find a matching port on the TV, Daddy. Please just be more independent.
Sometimes, letting my parents know that I learn things fast isn't a good thing. Once they realize I can do something by myself, they will never again help me with it. And they will never again do it for themselves. They wave their arms about, pretend to be in distress, and order me to come do it. And if I don't, they sulk, and then a week later, the thing 'magically' is done.
Oh please.
Even when I was a kid. My mum always tied my hair for me. It was kind of a mother-daughter thing every morning, where she combs my hair so lovingly, and then ties it neatly into a ponytail. I love those moments. I thought she enjoyed doing a something so simple for her daughter.
But then one day, I just had to play with my hair and managed to tie it up into a ponytail. From then onwards, she stopped helping me tie my hair. She got frustrated whenever I asked her. And eventually, she even could tell me that she didn't know how to tie people's hair.
Seriously?!
Haihz. So people who think I am pampered, sheltered, and loved like a princess... Think again! This is the kind of thing I have to face. Parents are too lazy to do things for me, or favours. And since young, I've always kept track of favours from and to others... because for this simple reason. I am too used to nobody doing things for me, and in order not to be taken advantaged of, I keep tabs.
Today my Dad brought back this weird device which he says can be connected to the TV for internet access. When I first walked past him and saw it, I had no idea what it even was. And then he asked me to go fix this up. Like, hello? You're the guy, you work as a technician, and you set up computers and networks in our house even before I knew how to switch on a computer.
And you tell me to go fix up something that I have no single idea about it?
You could just look at the port and find a matching port on the TV, Daddy. Please just be more independent.
Sometimes, letting my parents know that I learn things fast isn't a good thing. Once they realize I can do something by myself, they will never again help me with it. And they will never again do it for themselves. They wave their arms about, pretend to be in distress, and order me to come do it. And if I don't, they sulk, and then a week later, the thing 'magically' is done.
Oh please.
Even when I was a kid. My mum always tied my hair for me. It was kind of a mother-daughter thing every morning, where she combs my hair so lovingly, and then ties it neatly into a ponytail. I love those moments. I thought she enjoyed doing a something so simple for her daughter.
But then one day, I just had to play with my hair and managed to tie it up into a ponytail. From then onwards, she stopped helping me tie my hair. She got frustrated whenever I asked her. And eventually, she even could tell me that she didn't know how to tie people's hair.
Seriously?!
Haihz. So people who think I am pampered, sheltered, and loved like a princess... Think again! This is the kind of thing I have to face. Parents are too lazy to do things for me, or favours. And since young, I've always kept track of favours from and to others... because for this simple reason. I am too used to nobody doing things for me, and in order not to be taken advantaged of, I keep tabs.
Waiting in the dark.
These two weeks are going to be busy as hell. Have too many meetings. And too much to do within 14 days.
Yet today, I'm going to write a little about my feelings. Sorry if it sounds really emo or whatever, but it's really late at night and my pondering mode is on right now. It's at night when everything I've seen for the past almost 21 years fly past my mind, and I get reminded of everything. Yes, everything I remember. Don't you get these moments?
I admit that going to camp without a boyfriend is really carefree because I don't have to worry about someone, I don't have to worry about being perfect for someone, I could just totally let my hair down and do crazy things because I know nobody is keeping an eye on me. Even when playing games, I heck care about getting hurt or what because after all the only person taking care of me is me! If I get hurt then get hurt lor. I take care of myself.
And sometimes when I walk home alone, or walk anywhere alone, I think about how much I've grown or changed as a person since so long ago. I know that my self-esteem has went up very much since a long time ago. Last time, I'd admit I wasn't the prettiest thing to look at. But now I can confidently say that I am a decent person appearance-wise. My thoughts have become more mature, that's for sure. I'm improving my skills in social observation.
Most people say I'm a great person, a helpful person. And closer friends tell me that I am too good a person and I care too much. Which is true. I am too aware of others' feelings for my own good. When I get involved in helping them past a tough spot, they get used to it. And there will come a point where my personal welfare is in conflict with what the other person wants from me. I admit I'm a really soft person most of the time. Especially when it comes to feelings. Which is why I get hurt so easily.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore!
As I am slowly getting my guards up again, I start to feel the loneliness that starts to creep in. I start to feel the stress of having to take care of myself physically and emotionally. Resetting my mind to become independent yet again and to convince myself there will not be anyone. And thus I begin my wait.
Waiting for the day someone is brave enough to break through these defenses. Someone who will touch me with their genuine care, and bring my warmth with their hugs. Someone who will come in, and tell me that they'll stay, and that I will be his life. Someone whom I can trust with my defenseless self. Someone who I know won't go away, someone who will not hurt me in my weakest moments.
And I shall begin my long, and lonely wait.
Yet today, I'm going to write a little about my feelings. Sorry if it sounds really emo or whatever, but it's really late at night and my pondering mode is on right now. It's at night when everything I've seen for the past almost 21 years fly past my mind, and I get reminded of everything. Yes, everything I remember. Don't you get these moments?
I admit that going to camp without a boyfriend is really carefree because I don't have to worry about someone, I don't have to worry about being perfect for someone, I could just totally let my hair down and do crazy things because I know nobody is keeping an eye on me. Even when playing games, I heck care about getting hurt or what because after all the only person taking care of me is me! If I get hurt then get hurt lor. I take care of myself.
And sometimes when I walk home alone, or walk anywhere alone, I think about how much I've grown or changed as a person since so long ago. I know that my self-esteem has went up very much since a long time ago. Last time, I'd admit I wasn't the prettiest thing to look at. But now I can confidently say that I am a decent person appearance-wise. My thoughts have become more mature, that's for sure. I'm improving my skills in social observation.
Most people say I'm a great person, a helpful person. And closer friends tell me that I am too good a person and I care too much. Which is true. I am too aware of others' feelings for my own good. When I get involved in helping them past a tough spot, they get used to it. And there will come a point where my personal welfare is in conflict with what the other person wants from me. I admit I'm a really soft person most of the time. Especially when it comes to feelings. Which is why I get hurt so easily.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore!
As I am slowly getting my guards up again, I start to feel the loneliness that starts to creep in. I start to feel the stress of having to take care of myself physically and emotionally. Resetting my mind to become independent yet again and to convince myself there will not be anyone. And thus I begin my wait.
Waiting for the day someone is brave enough to break through these defenses. Someone who will touch me with their genuine care, and bring my warmth with their hugs. Someone who will come in, and tell me that they'll stay, and that I will be his life. Someone whom I can trust with my defenseless self. Someone who I know won't go away, someone who will not hurt me in my weakest moments.
And I shall begin my long, and lonely wait.
Mean?
I have just finished SCamp prep camp! Throughout the short 3 days, I believe that I have formed really good bonds with my OG, and lamed them out enough for them to dare to bully me during the actual camp... That's gonna be fun! If you're in a camp and people don't sabo you, I don't think it's having max fun.
So glad to see my Moltres freshies agian! Some are in SCamp Committee, while others joined as seniors. Even though they were separated and dispersed this SCamp, could still feel them by me. (: Very pleasant, very powerful feeling. May Moltres live on strong and healthy!
Hmm, so even though I didn't know my OG people at all initially, I think we've come far through the very limited meetings we have. -nods-
Very tired after all those games. The weather throughout the prep was threatening, but even though it did drizzle a little... Mr. Sky decided to hold in his rainypee longer, till night when everybody was sleeping. The clouds also came during Sentosa, and the weather wasn't excessively hot.
The showers at Sentosa are really sad though. The water doesn't come out well and it felt like more of a sprinkle than anything.
Anyway these few days have given me much to think about. Would like to thank my friends who sat through a terribly long and dramatic story of mine. And thank you for all your encouragement. Now it feels like it's not only me who is fighting for my welfare, but that there are others who support me in it too, and believe that I should be.
I always thought things and problems can always find solution that compromises both sides. And to be honest, I still do. But at one point, I just get too sick of giving up part of me to people who don't even need it. Wants and needs are different, mostly. You may want something but you do not need it, or you may need something but you don't want it.
But how many people have told me that at the end of the day I would have to live with myself, and how many have told me that I shouldn't be annoyed at things that don't have to be annoying. Somewhere in that, I start thinking that yes, my welfare is really important.
If I didn't get what I want, then I have to live with it, right? But since I already am upset about that, then why should I upset myself further with things that are annoying? Close my eyes, close my ears, and just listen to myself. Easiest, kind of.
When I find myself annoyed at something or someone, for now, I take the easy route out... Just seek for something else that can make me smile. I don't want to face the side where I am constantly being showed things that make me upset.
The point here, is to be happy.
So glad to see my Moltres freshies agian! Some are in SCamp Committee, while others joined as seniors. Even though they were separated and dispersed this SCamp, could still feel them by me. (: Very pleasant, very powerful feeling. May Moltres live on strong and healthy!
Hmm, so even though I didn't know my OG people at all initially, I think we've come far through the very limited meetings we have. -nods-
Very tired after all those games. The weather throughout the prep was threatening, but even though it did drizzle a little... Mr. Sky decided to hold in his rainypee longer, till night when everybody was sleeping. The clouds also came during Sentosa, and the weather wasn't excessively hot.
The showers at Sentosa are really sad though. The water doesn't come out well and it felt like more of a sprinkle than anything.
Anyway these few days have given me much to think about. Would like to thank my friends who sat through a terribly long and dramatic story of mine. And thank you for all your encouragement. Now it feels like it's not only me who is fighting for my welfare, but that there are others who support me in it too, and believe that I should be.
I always thought things and problems can always find solution that compromises both sides. And to be honest, I still do. But at one point, I just get too sick of giving up part of me to people who don't even need it. Wants and needs are different, mostly. You may want something but you do not need it, or you may need something but you don't want it.
But how many people have told me that at the end of the day I would have to live with myself, and how many have told me that I shouldn't be annoyed at things that don't have to be annoying. Somewhere in that, I start thinking that yes, my welfare is really important.
If I didn't get what I want, then I have to live with it, right? But since I already am upset about that, then why should I upset myself further with things that are annoying? Close my eyes, close my ears, and just listen to myself. Easiest, kind of.
When I find myself annoyed at something or someone, for now, I take the easy route out... Just seek for something else that can make me smile. I don't want to face the side where I am constantly being showed things that make me upset.
The point here, is to be happy.
Touched.
I haven't been blogging much. Mostly because I don't really know what to write. Yau got sick of reading sad posts and requested me to start writing about happy things instead. On account of our long friendship, I try.
So today, I'm going to try to write something in the very least neutral.
Camp is starting soon and I'm getting excited! Although like, I don't know the people from my group much but I'm sure we'll get along well. Time to try a little more interaction than to keep to myself.
Become less socially awkward, and try to warm up to new people more.
Like I took a cab home one night, and it was sort of quiet until the uncle drove past a row of eateries and asked if I knew if there was anything nice along the roads. At first I just said that I don't really know. But I took additional courage to continue conversation with the uncle, saying that I do know of some food places up ahead there which always has long queue. We ended up chatting a bit about the price of punggol nasi lemak, and nasi lemaks all over singapore, and then the health issues associated with eating too much suppers.
People, are not so scary to talk to after all.
With the same attitude, I shall give myself a chance during this camp. I honestly don't mind being targetted by angry freshies to be dunked and whatnot. And to be teased at, haha, it's really fine. At least I know I'll be totally immersed in the group!
I'm glad I'm in the red house. Coz for last year I was in red house for both camps, so I don't actually have to buy new clothes of a new colour. Not to mention the really friendly people in red house! Here's to hoping we rock the SCamp!
I'm making progress with Through the Kaleidoscope on the piano!
I've realized how once again that music is a form of food for the soul. Even though I'm the person sweating and concentrating trying to play the music on the piano, my ears still listen and before I know it, I find my music calming my own spirit.
And then it stops abruptly, because I haven't finished the entire song yet HAHA.
Also, the loudness of the music drowns out all the voices in my head. And makes it unable to think about anything else other than the music. (I think about a lot of things.)
Laughter.
I think I've gotten a lot these few days.
Having OG lunch and chatchat, I laughed till my abs hurt.
Went to youtube and watched kpop parodies, laughed again.
Watched the recent running man, laughed again, non-stop.
And then there were friends.
Friends who heard me out and gave me advice. When that happens I feel really protected and loved. Instead of me being the one who helps others, they're the ones helping me back! I mean, well, somethings can't be solved. But what mattered to them was me... Whatever they told me, they put me first. My feelings, my welfare, and the things I deserved.
So we sat in a small group and chatted for about 3 to 4 hours.
Best 3 to 4 hours ever.
;_; Touched.
So today, I'm going to try to write something in the very least neutral.
Camp is starting soon and I'm getting excited! Although like, I don't know the people from my group much but I'm sure we'll get along well. Time to try a little more interaction than to keep to myself.
Become less socially awkward, and try to warm up to new people more.
Like I took a cab home one night, and it was sort of quiet until the uncle drove past a row of eateries and asked if I knew if there was anything nice along the roads. At first I just said that I don't really know. But I took additional courage to continue conversation with the uncle, saying that I do know of some food places up ahead there which always has long queue. We ended up chatting a bit about the price of punggol nasi lemak, and nasi lemaks all over singapore, and then the health issues associated with eating too much suppers.
People, are not so scary to talk to after all.
With the same attitude, I shall give myself a chance during this camp. I honestly don't mind being targetted by angry freshies to be dunked and whatnot. And to be teased at, haha, it's really fine. At least I know I'll be totally immersed in the group!
I'm glad I'm in the red house. Coz for last year I was in red house for both camps, so I don't actually have to buy new clothes of a new colour. Not to mention the really friendly people in red house! Here's to hoping we rock the SCamp!
I'm making progress with Through the Kaleidoscope on the piano!
I've realized how once again that music is a form of food for the soul. Even though I'm the person sweating and concentrating trying to play the music on the piano, my ears still listen and before I know it, I find my music calming my own spirit.
And then it stops abruptly, because I haven't finished the entire song yet HAHA.
Also, the loudness of the music drowns out all the voices in my head. And makes it unable to think about anything else other than the music. (I think about a lot of things.)
Laughter.
I think I've gotten a lot these few days.
Having OG lunch and chatchat, I laughed till my abs hurt.
Went to youtube and watched kpop parodies, laughed again.
Watched the recent running man, laughed again, non-stop.
And then there were friends.
Friends who heard me out and gave me advice. When that happens I feel really protected and loved. Instead of me being the one who helps others, they're the ones helping me back! I mean, well, somethings can't be solved. But what mattered to them was me... Whatever they told me, they put me first. My feelings, my welfare, and the things I deserved.
So we sat in a small group and chatted for about 3 to 4 hours.
Best 3 to 4 hours ever.
;_; Touched.