What a day
Today was a super busy day. It was a mixture of feelings.
Did decorations for an entire day, and I was particularly proud of my Oreo board. Of course, Welfare's decorations were awesome, and I'm not at all surprised as I knew they were capable to making things awesome. I spent the day folding a spider, which i sucked at, and did various banners, and also wash paint off toilet bowls and sinks. The toilet bowl I washed was stinky because there was faeces at the side of it and I had to smell it the entire time until the paint was completely gone from the bowl. Darn it la... Also, almost got into trouble because they tried to wash paint off using petrol from KW's bike. And the entire students hub smelt like petrol.
Went back quite late.
The first part of the day was good, started off with having very light-hearted chats with people. I was extremely pleased at the way it was alright the way I was communicating with a particular person. The top5 came to help welfare fold paper spiders, and they did a really great job.
So I was happy at that part.
In the end, I felt so alone.
To be really honest, I really missed those days when there was always always someone I could talk to. To put it bluntly, those days I had a boyfriend, putting all fake love aside. Even if I was happy, there's nobody I can share it with. If I was sad, there is still nobody I can share it with. And I might be surrounded by the best friends ever, but none of them have me as priority. It's the way it is!
Most days I feel so emotionally constipated, I don't know who I should share my thoughts with. I don't even know if anyone respected my experiences.
Maybe I'm just insecure. Maybe I genuinely feel lonely. Hmm. I do make people smile, but I also need people to want me to smile instead of assuming that I'm smiley all the time.
Oh wells. I guess I have to keep waiting.
I really think I stopped looking. It's darn depressing to be looking and yet not finding anything. Someday, the chosen person will step up and then it shall be destined that we meet. On that, I hope the bad luck streak breaks.
Damn it with bad lucks.
WHATEVER SIAL! I am just feelin' so horrible inside right now I wanna cry! REALLY!
On a lighter note, I had a good 30 minutes watching my hamster today. It jumps all around, from one place to another inside its tank. So cute! And coz of that, I decided to name him Maki. Maki for something like, roll or spin or circle or something along those lines.
Maki <3
Did decorations for an entire day, and I was particularly proud of my Oreo board. Of course, Welfare's decorations were awesome, and I'm not at all surprised as I knew they were capable to making things awesome. I spent the day folding a spider, which i sucked at, and did various banners, and also wash paint off toilet bowls and sinks. The toilet bowl I washed was stinky because there was faeces at the side of it and I had to smell it the entire time until the paint was completely gone from the bowl. Darn it la... Also, almost got into trouble because they tried to wash paint off using petrol from KW's bike. And the entire students hub smelt like petrol.
Went back quite late.
The first part of the day was good, started off with having very light-hearted chats with people. I was extremely pleased at the way it was alright the way I was communicating with a particular person. The top5 came to help welfare fold paper spiders, and they did a really great job.
So I was happy at that part.
In the end, I felt so alone.
To be really honest, I really missed those days when there was always always someone I could talk to. To put it bluntly, those days I had a boyfriend, putting all fake love aside. Even if I was happy, there's nobody I can share it with. If I was sad, there is still nobody I can share it with. And I might be surrounded by the best friends ever, but none of them have me as priority. It's the way it is!
Most days I feel so emotionally constipated, I don't know who I should share my thoughts with. I don't even know if anyone respected my experiences.
Maybe I'm just insecure. Maybe I genuinely feel lonely. Hmm. I do make people smile, but I also need people to want me to smile instead of assuming that I'm smiley all the time.
Oh wells. I guess I have to keep waiting.
I really think I stopped looking. It's darn depressing to be looking and yet not finding anything. Someday, the chosen person will step up and then it shall be destined that we meet. On that, I hope the bad luck streak breaks.
Damn it with bad lucks.
WHATEVER SIAL! I am just feelin' so horrible inside right now I wanna cry! REALLY!
On a lighter note, I had a good 30 minutes watching my hamster today. It jumps all around, from one place to another inside its tank. So cute! And coz of that, I decided to name him Maki. Maki for something like, roll or spin or circle or something along those lines.
Maki <3
Casualty GC
My Graphing Calculator! Oh, my trusty pal TI-89 Titanium...
It has been with me for 5 years, but alas, it has moved on.
No, actually. My Dad took it to try to fix it. I hope he manages to fix it. Yea.
Anyway, today had drama presentation for Theater Studies... Was doing Cockroach Opera with Brechtian approach. Was pretty cool compared to the previous Autumn Tomyam. We had a song to sing, and Peng Sing played his guitar. There were funny parts, so yea... Much cooler.
I think my practical group is really quite awesome.
Went for driving today again. Made a few mistakes here and there, and didn't do parking as the instructor said he would. Also, I found my water bottle! It really dropped in there, when the instructor brought my bag over from the back seats.
Had a crazy time with the science club people after I got back from driving, and Dad n Mum kindly sent me to FoS. They like, ordered KFC, and ate O.o Then we joked around, a lot. Now I'm really tired and I should go sleep.. ZZZ.
VERY tired, really.
Sighxx.
It has been with me for 5 years, but alas, it has moved on.
No, actually. My Dad took it to try to fix it. I hope he manages to fix it. Yea.
Anyway, today had drama presentation for Theater Studies... Was doing Cockroach Opera with Brechtian approach. Was pretty cool compared to the previous Autumn Tomyam. We had a song to sing, and Peng Sing played his guitar. There were funny parts, so yea... Much cooler.
I think my practical group is really quite awesome.
Went for driving today again. Made a few mistakes here and there, and didn't do parking as the instructor said he would. Also, I found my water bottle! It really dropped in there, when the instructor brought my bag over from the back seats.
Had a crazy time with the science club people after I got back from driving, and Dad n Mum kindly sent me to FoS. They like, ordered KFC, and ate O.o Then we joked around, a lot. Now I'm really tired and I should go sleep.. ZZZ.
VERY tired, really.
Sighxx.
Exasperated. And stop yelling at me.
I really hate it, cannot stand it, will crumble, when someone yells at me. And it's not only when people yell at me, but you just know when even though they say it to you really nicely, they really actually want to just yell it at you. Or me, in this case.
I hate it. I can't stand it. And I crumble. Really. I'm not kidding. I will find it hard even to remain standing, and my body just feels like I'm being ripped apart. Yes, I know it is all psychological. But because it is psychological, I cannot do anything about it. It gets so bad sometimes, it seems like I'm about to get a panic attack.
For the benefit of people who do not know about my past, I shall just state again why this is important, and how it is crucially relevant to my past. You see, as a kid, right from nursery, I was bullied. My classmates thought it would be a good idea to push all blame onto me. Thus, I was constantly reprimanded, caned, beaten, ignored, neglected, hated, mocked, and basically ate 'shit' for my entire childhood.
Every ounce of self-worth I had was bled out of me. And whatever I have now, is what I tried very hard to earn. Even so, it isn't a lot. It is just enough for me to understand that I am a living human being, who has feelings. Even till this day, I believe I am a burden to people, even my parents. I believe that I deserve nothing, but punishment at the very least for every little thing I do that does not meet expectations. I believe that people only love me because I can do things for them.
Everything that everyone says to me really means a lot to me, especially when it is regarding me as a person. Simple little comments may mean to me that I failed as a person.
When I get yelled at, it really pushes me to the max as it drains my self-worth. Because I know people are angry with me, people dun love me at that point. And I get very scared that I will get hurt, that they will hit me like I was beaten in the past, and they won't let me explain. Deep down inside, I blame myself for everything you yell at me for. I blame it all on myself, even if I didn't show it on the outside.
Some people just think I can't take criticisms. You are right! But it's not because I always think I'm right. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that you won't love me anymore. I'm scared that you will hurt me. And worse of all, 10 years worth of sorrow and misery just floods my mind. Sometimes, I just can't take it, and I just want to end it all. And to stop myself from doing that, I need to find every reason that I was right, that I shouldn't be hurt, so that I wun hurt myself.
The truth is, I know my mistakes. I know when I do something wrong. Trust me.
Don't shame me anymore. I have been shamed my entire childhood, and I don't need it to happen anymore.
This is the truth about me. If you can't accept this part of me, you can't be a friend either. Because I don't want to be hurt by my friends.
I hate it. I can't stand it. And I crumble. Really. I'm not kidding. I will find it hard even to remain standing, and my body just feels like I'm being ripped apart. Yes, I know it is all psychological. But because it is psychological, I cannot do anything about it. It gets so bad sometimes, it seems like I'm about to get a panic attack.
For the benefit of people who do not know about my past, I shall just state again why this is important, and how it is crucially relevant to my past. You see, as a kid, right from nursery, I was bullied. My classmates thought it would be a good idea to push all blame onto me. Thus, I was constantly reprimanded, caned, beaten, ignored, neglected, hated, mocked, and basically ate 'shit' for my entire childhood.
Every ounce of self-worth I had was bled out of me. And whatever I have now, is what I tried very hard to earn. Even so, it isn't a lot. It is just enough for me to understand that I am a living human being, who has feelings. Even till this day, I believe I am a burden to people, even my parents. I believe that I deserve nothing, but punishment at the very least for every little thing I do that does not meet expectations. I believe that people only love me because I can do things for them.
Everything that everyone says to me really means a lot to me, especially when it is regarding me as a person. Simple little comments may mean to me that I failed as a person.
When I get yelled at, it really pushes me to the max as it drains my self-worth. Because I know people are angry with me, people dun love me at that point. And I get very scared that I will get hurt, that they will hit me like I was beaten in the past, and they won't let me explain. Deep down inside, I blame myself for everything you yell at me for. I blame it all on myself, even if I didn't show it on the outside.
Some people just think I can't take criticisms. You are right! But it's not because I always think I'm right. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that you won't love me anymore. I'm scared that you will hurt me. And worse of all, 10 years worth of sorrow and misery just floods my mind. Sometimes, I just can't take it, and I just want to end it all. And to stop myself from doing that, I need to find every reason that I was right, that I shouldn't be hurt, so that I wun hurt myself.
The truth is, I know my mistakes. I know when I do something wrong. Trust me.
Don't shame me anymore. I have been shamed my entire childhood, and I don't need it to happen anymore.
This is the truth about me. If you can't accept this part of me, you can't be a friend either. Because I don't want to be hurt by my friends.
Some thoughts
This week will be a super-the-busy week for me. Too many things to be done. I just wished I didn't have two midterms to worry about, or the ungraded lab report that my lab partner and I gotta do anyway.
I would enjoy drama too. But I just detest the part where I have to remember the script on top of LSM1101 and 1102 test materials. Or if I didn't have to find a batik bathrobe. Or cook tomyam soup. Sighx.
And also Welfare survey. I wished wished wished things can be settled as soon as possible. Sponsors! Also settle soon will be better. Oh noes, I'm sorta worried about the exam tea! >.<
I hate how things are always so unsettled right now. Can't we just settle down already and get into the momentum of life? Instead of having whirwinds all over, still unable to find out inner tempo.
Woah. So philosophical.
Haha!
Anyway I am so troubled with residence! If I don't apply and pay more for vacation stay, I have to shift everything back from hostel for vacation! Then when semester 2 starts, I will have to shift everything back into that same room. -_- Why are things sooooo lame sometimes.
Oh, and another thing that has caught my attention these days - Friendship. I have never ever underestimated this friendship thing, and I also see my friends as one of the most important things in life. They are the people who will be there when family can't help.
So it makes me happy to see my friends happy, and it is my duty to help them whenever. I absolutely hate it when things go wrong with friendships. Why can't people just take some time to clear misunderstandings, and to understand one another?
Hmm. I won't say my friendships are perfect, but that's alright. As long as my friends are happy, it's alright.
Recently, I settled a few issues with my senpai. But as hard as I try to remove awkwardness, it will still be there. Because he chooses to be that way, and as for me, I have already tried to clear it up. I don't even feel awkward, or act awkward.
I guess senpai's personality is like that. He doesn't exactly like to settle issues pertaining to friendship if things complicate it. Haiya...
Alrights then, shall stop here for now. Cya!
I would enjoy drama too. But I just detest the part where I have to remember the script on top of LSM1101 and 1102 test materials. Or if I didn't have to find a batik bathrobe. Or cook tomyam soup. Sighx.
And also Welfare survey. I wished wished wished things can be settled as soon as possible. Sponsors! Also settle soon will be better. Oh noes, I'm sorta worried about the exam tea! >.<
I hate how things are always so unsettled right now. Can't we just settle down already and get into the momentum of life? Instead of having whirwinds all over, still unable to find out inner tempo.
Woah. So philosophical.
Haha!
Anyway I am so troubled with residence! If I don't apply and pay more for vacation stay, I have to shift everything back from hostel for vacation! Then when semester 2 starts, I will have to shift everything back into that same room. -_- Why are things sooooo lame sometimes.
Oh, and another thing that has caught my attention these days - Friendship. I have never ever underestimated this friendship thing, and I also see my friends as one of the most important things in life. They are the people who will be there when family can't help.
So it makes me happy to see my friends happy, and it is my duty to help them whenever. I absolutely hate it when things go wrong with friendships. Why can't people just take some time to clear misunderstandings, and to understand one another?
Hmm. I won't say my friendships are perfect, but that's alright. As long as my friends are happy, it's alright.
Recently, I settled a few issues with my senpai. But as hard as I try to remove awkwardness, it will still be there. Because he chooses to be that way, and as for me, I have already tried to clear it up. I don't even feel awkward, or act awkward.
I guess senpai's personality is like that. He doesn't exactly like to settle issues pertaining to friendship if things complicate it. Haiya...
Alrights then, shall stop here for now. Cya!
Updates with life
Oh my dear I am still awake at this unearthly hour! What the...
No I'm staying up for my SCMC. Also, I just went to have supper with Mikel. So yea. I will be sleeping soon after finishing this.
By the way, I have no idea why there are so many people doing weird stuff on my tagboard. Look, can you weird people stop it? Stop positing your links on my blog, coz... ARGH. Just don't.
SCMC has been an interesting experience so far.
I have many great friends now, on top of my awesome friends from my OG.
I really miss orientation days where everybody can just have fun and not think about studying all the time. If NUSH was muggerish, wait till you come to NUS.
The only obstacle is my senpai. Always so hard to talk to him. Like, when I'm in the high mode, he think I'm being ridiculous or something. But others see it as a perfectly normal mode. And I can only be all serious and solemn with him. Though, both modes are alright for others.
T_T Imma sad sometimes like that.
Anyways I need to think of some activity to bond my OG together again. I feel that we're so disjointed nowadays.
On top of that, stupid stupid midterms! Screwed up my chemistry, and I have a feeling LSM will be equally as bad. =( Whatever. Just study first and see how later. At least, it's natural death if the test dies.
I just identified my links with my seniors recently!
Sufyan is actually the neutral dude that went with our group for night cycling!
And MaoSheng, lol. He was the guy bluffing me with a semi wet teddy bear. It's damn lame that time, coz I was only allowed to feel the legs of the teddy bear, like who would guess it like that, right? And he totally bluffed me too by telling me that 'so far it hasn't bitten anyone', when I asked if it bites.
And durh, Jinfa is my SP.
In any case, just wishes that the 31st SCMC will be an awesome group.
And also wishes that the people in there will be happy and smile more.
And also that we will all be great friends, and not care about complicated pasts.
And then, also that I can know more about NUSSU so I can do my job well.
Sometimes I feel like I have to do something I don't believe in. However, I still have to do it no matter what. Life is like that. Got ups. Got downs. What we gotta do is to continue walking or running or whatever. Just carry on and not give up.
And don't keep staying to paths that are already created. Should challenge ourselves to create our own paths. Trailblazer, is it?
Yep.
Just my 2 cents for today. Good nights!
No I'm staying up for my SCMC. Also, I just went to have supper with Mikel. So yea. I will be sleeping soon after finishing this.
By the way, I have no idea why there are so many people doing weird stuff on my tagboard. Look, can you weird people stop it? Stop positing your links on my blog, coz... ARGH. Just don't.
SCMC has been an interesting experience so far.
I have many great friends now, on top of my awesome friends from my OG.
I really miss orientation days where everybody can just have fun and not think about studying all the time. If NUSH was muggerish, wait till you come to NUS.
The only obstacle is my senpai. Always so hard to talk to him. Like, when I'm in the high mode, he think I'm being ridiculous or something. But others see it as a perfectly normal mode. And I can only be all serious and solemn with him. Though, both modes are alright for others.
T_T Imma sad sometimes like that.
Anyways I need to think of some activity to bond my OG together again. I feel that we're so disjointed nowadays.
On top of that, stupid stupid midterms! Screwed up my chemistry, and I have a feeling LSM will be equally as bad. =( Whatever. Just study first and see how later. At least, it's natural death if the test dies.
I just identified my links with my seniors recently!
Sufyan is actually the neutral dude that went with our group for night cycling!
And MaoSheng, lol. He was the guy bluffing me with a semi wet teddy bear. It's damn lame that time, coz I was only allowed to feel the legs of the teddy bear, like who would guess it like that, right? And he totally bluffed me too by telling me that 'so far it hasn't bitten anyone', when I asked if it bites.
And durh, Jinfa is my SP.
In any case, just wishes that the 31st SCMC will be an awesome group.
And also wishes that the people in there will be happy and smile more.
And also that we will all be great friends, and not care about complicated pasts.
And then, also that I can know more about NUSSU so I can do my job well.
Sometimes I feel like I have to do something I don't believe in. However, I still have to do it no matter what. Life is like that. Got ups. Got downs. What we gotta do is to continue walking or running or whatever. Just carry on and not give up.
And don't keep staying to paths that are already created. Should challenge ourselves to create our own paths. Trailblazer, is it?
Yep.
Just my 2 cents for today. Good nights!