Ahh Cass, so pathetic when I'm back blogging here. But you know that when I'm here I'm normally upset, frustrated, sad about something. Yep, you guessed it right.

Recently I have been having some issues la. Being in a foreign country, living half my dream, you'd think I am happy. A part of me is happy, I guess. Happy that I can let go of my past a little, happy that I'm in a place where I want to be. Happy to be meeting new people.

But with new experiences come new troubles.

I have two roommates so far and both of them have given me troubles.

And me being me, I don't know how to tell people how they're upsetting me. So most of the time I just get more and more upset.

Recently I started on League of Legends. Blame me for being late, but seriously, having so much shit with that.

So I started playing just a couple weeks ago, and attracted a lot of attention from other people who have been playing it for a long time. Mostly my friends.

And to be honest, it annoys them when I don't do things well in the games. See, how the match works is that the system will match up people of around similar level (in the game). Some accounts are smurf accounts whereby high level players create a new account.

Now see, my friends who are really high levelled, they want to play with me. So smurfed or not, that is their skills and they can't drop it. Playing with them is stressful because things go so fast and I can't keep up. Plus, guys being guys, they get all fired up when it comes to these kinda things.

I don't know how many times in the past couple weeks that I've heard disappointment in their voices coz of me, or how they get frustrated whenever we lose a game, or I cause the team to lose, or something. You hear them being mean to someone else who is bad, and all you think to yourself is that well, 'I'm just as bad, or maybe even worse than that player there!'

And because I am just so unskilled, all of my friends are trying to tutor me. Telling me things I should look out for, things I should or shouldn't do, things that went wrong and what to avoid. I mean, I can't keep up to that! I know they're trying to be helpful and all, but these things take time. Slowly, yes, slowly, so please be understanding about that...

Not to mention, it's my first time being in this genre of games and no, my brain and my muscles just can't do it.

I have tried playing by myself with players I totally don't know and all the levels were evened out nicely. In those games, I do perfectly well. Although there were kinks and stuff but EVERYBODY there had kinks and mistakes. And they were all supportive. Somehow I just enjoy those games more, playing with normal people who... aren't all particular about what small little mistakes that I make.

So like games are supposed to be more relaxed and enjoyable but when the pressure is there to be better or to improve it's just so... much less relaxing. They'll tell you it's fine because you're new but, everybody knows how much the difference in skill is and you know how bad you are.

I am a gamer girl too and I understand how gamers get frustrated over a game. Yes, we all know it's just a game, nothing worthy to be upset about. But still, it feels good after a win, and it will feel bad, similarly, after a loss. And because of that, they blame each other, they blame their teammates. Now this is just treading in one's emotions already because nobody likes to be yelled at.

They know it's just a game, so they will get upset when people are blaming them for a seemingly small matter. So yes, people can get very upset because of games. They're not crazy. They are being human.

So that's my rant for that part.

Another part that frustrates me is how helpless I am with matters back home in Singapore while I am here in Korea.

Technology does help with information exchange and communication. Yes, I have used that to my advantage. But what it does, is just simply that, information exchange. I can't offer an extra set of hands for things that need to be done. I can't physically be there to help someone cope with an issue.

Hell, out of sight out of mind can only be alleviated that much by technology.

Because when I left I saw who my true friends are. Who actually cared about me enough to chat with me, spend some time with me, and be interested in what I'm doing over here. Or how I am ranked in their list of friends. No, I don't rank very high.

But I am really really glad for that select few people who are ever so loving towards me. I totally didn't expect that it were this group of people. But trust me, the ones I expected to correspond mostly didn't. And the people who kept in contact with me, I treasure them a whole lot more now.

So I just got informed my presence isn't felt because I'm just a bunch of pixels and text on screen. Not exactly in that form of speech but I kinda simplified and summarized it.

Now that upset me. I know it can't be helped, but see? That is how helpless I am over here and not back home there.

I try so hard, you know.. To make my presence felt. That I am a real person just separated from them by physical distance but truly, my heart is with them always. If you're up for a chat, then I can talk to you. I'm not a bot, I am a real human on the other side of the screen!!!

Sigh.

I guess, I can only wait till I get back to rectify everything...

It doesn't help that it upsets me while I am over here. Sometimes I just want my existence to be known and felt. You know how when someone else you know is also on exchange but the common pool of friends are just more interested in the other friend than you?

Yeah, sucks.

ARGH! Life why do you have to troll me all the damn time. Stop giving me a hard time.