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Yesterday
I went home yesterday. I just felt like going home coz I wanted somewhere safe to rest. But it's just a temporary thing, because no matter where I go, I am still unable to hide or run from my problems. Just something to make me feel a little bit better.

Maybe I can't take this one more time.

Often, I wonder why my life has to be so tough, but I have yet to find an answer. Could it be that I haven't tried hard enough? That I am not good enough to be here?
I try to believe I am here for a purpose. Yet try as I might, I don't truly see any.

Even the people I love are able to live without me. Toss me away without flinching or feeling anything. Am I truly dispensable, disposable?

I am happy now, yet not really.

I have someone I love. Someone I'm willing to live for. Whatever it is, I fight for him. Yes, I have someone I love and he is the reason why I am living.

As cruel as fate might be, I've been told that he will be taken away from me.
I wonder why I am always given something to guard, protect, and love with all my life & heart... Then get told that it will be taken away from me.

Please don't give up on us. Please believe we'll make it. I need you.

I feel very helpless. I don't want this to end.

Please, anyone, please help.

it's 1:40 AM now on Thursday, August 25, 2011



Welfare - Where's mine?
Right now I'm trying to save what's left of it all. What I have, what I can.

And to be honest, I don't really know what to type on here anymore except that typing on here gives me some sense of comfort. Some, just enough to keep me from going insane at this very moment.

It wasn't like I expected this. I didn't.

Don't really know how to put this but today was basically a straight road to hell for me. In my situation, there was really nothing I could do. I had to either be quiet and let myself and my priorities be disvalued, or to do something about it and cause whatever it is to happen today.

What happened was a meeting that was supposed to be at 12.

And what occurred was a series of really hard-to-make decisions. But then I thought, he is a person who understood passion. Turns out to be otherwise because judging by the situation, no matter what I do, I have to be on the losing end.
I could get to my meeting on time, and seriously jeopardize me relationship. Or allow us to be extremely and jeopardize our relationship (also) and my impression on the MCs.

In any way, one way ticket to hell.

I often wonder why life enjoys bringing me to such places, makes me make such screwed up decisions. Often wonder why life never seems to think I've done enough to deserve some peace, love, and joy.

All I want, is to be happy with the man that I love.
That's all.

Yet it always seems that life is expecting so much of me. To make me sacrifice so much not to improve things, but to keep things the way they are. Life gives the people around me much joy and relaxation, yet places its burdens on me.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this.

Have I not loved enough, respected enough, and understood enough. I've taken so much of my pains by myself, yet I'm the one not reaping the benefits.

And I'm tired. I want to just cry and cry and not stop until this is all settled and I'm back to when this fucked up thing didn't happen. When I could stay in my room with Lennie and not worry about anything.

Life sucks.

And please, just give me back what I had. Don't leave me, and don't take this away from me.

it's 10:30 PM now on Sunday, August 21, 2011



Confusing times
Just finished with the main bulk of my event, so I took the time to rest and recover today.

In any case, the bf is half-complaining how I always sound so emo and depressed on this blog so I shall make an effort to talk about some happy stuffs this time. But I have a need to vent my frustrations here so... Too bad. He also mentions how it's interesting to look at emo ppl and he will just go, 'Oh well...' Kinda weird but whatever.

Not going home this weekend.

Yesterday I went over to Leonard's Hall, which is ridiculous coz it's like at the end of the world. Put it this way, if we were to be flooded and drowned by an apocalyptic wave, that place would still be standing coz it is TOO well hidden from the rest of the world. Okay. Maybe not that epic.

So I spent the entire last night and today with him. Kinda mixed feelings. I really want to enjoy the limited time I have with him. It makes me happy just to see him, happier to be hanging around him, and very happy to be able to spend time with him like that.
But it gets a little awkward when I get down to thinking that hey, this is going to be what it's like for the next 4-freaking years.

It's such a long time to be thinking about. And all I tell myself is OhmyOhmy.. jiayou.

So although I'm kept in pretty good mood today, I'm still in general quite displease with my life and how it's turning out la.

Maybe because I'm tired by all the crap I have to do, and will have to do in the near future, or the future. Shit, I just realize I'm going to be displeased with the rest of my life. Good job to myself. -_-

ARGH! Okay okay okay... What I want is just a whole change of circumstances. I have what I want already, so I just wished that situations can change. But I don't think it's going to change.
What I'm wishing for is as good as a miracle, or one that will never happen. I might as well not wish, but I can't help but wish coz...
Ya, I don't want to live my life like that ba.

it's 2:05 AM now on



Drag drag drag
Honestly still haven't had a good day since a long time ago. Not that I'm having high standards about things, but I haven't really enjoyed any day for a really long time. Because every single day brings about a reason for me to be annoyed.

It seems to be like no matter how much you've prepped, ensured that things are set up the right way, planned down to the fine details... Things will just happen to throw the situation into chaos. When you had all your leaky holes covered, a new one has to pop up out of the blue and screw things up.

And there are times where I keep having to consider others' feelings, while others aren't giving a damn about how I feel and that is frustrating to the core. Essentially it tires me out coz I keep having to give and others keep taking me for granted. What does it take to let them know that I need considering too, and that I matter too...

Haiz. This kinda time, I just feel like not doing anything and let everything crumble around me. Somehow I just feel like it's just meant to be that I can't be happy. I still don't understand why things keep screwing up for me.

I feel like just a little person in the world, like the sands that people step on all the time and not appreciating that they have ground to put their feet. I'm tired of being one of those. I also want people to think me important, to hold me close to their hearts, to protect me with all their might.

I've been putting up my defenses and fending for myself for such a long time. Just want to find some relief of such tasks, or at least have someone to share it with. It doesn't help that although people claim that I'm important to them, there is still something else more important. I don't think I'm no. 1 to anyone now. Not even my parents.

it's 2:46 AM now on Sunday, August 14, 2011



Of insolence and misery
Another attempt at a good day, failed.

It didn't start of too bad, to be honest. I had hopes of it ending well. But as it turns out, I ended up taking the train home alone, and crying on the way home. Public transport always sees me at my worst, especially when I'm alone. The crowds of people just make me feel all the more alone in this busy world.

It didn't end there. Once my mum was home, she yelled at me constantly, asking me to do this and that, reprimanding me if I did anything too slowly in her eyes, and blaming me for not fixing things in the house. I couldn't even shower or eat in peace.

Then I gave up, I just resigned to the miserable day that fate has set up for me. Whatever it is, just apologized. Everything just 'Sorry. Sorry.' Like what it was in the past, apologizing for things I didn't do.

I feel so defeated. It's like me, running all the time away from bad stuff and sprinting so hard towards the good stuff. But I'm still not fast enough and at the point where I can't take it anymore I just fall flat and let the darkness engulf me. (Yea, I'm getting good at these analogies stuff.)

At the point where I just rather raise the white flag, and surrender. Fine, do whatever you want -kinda thing. When I realise, no matter how much I fight, it's still not going to be mine. How much I plead for one day, it isn't going to happen. So I give up.

Reminded by him once again how I am worth less to him compared to an inanimate object. I guess, if you were me, you never really want to hear such stuff. It's really not that great when most people see me as like, dirt, and then the one person you trust to want to pick you up agrees that yea, I'm like dirt.

Isn't that right, when you love someone, you give them the key to hurting you the hardest, yet trusting them not to? I would love to have been the case where my trust really worked out. In reality, not really. It's that kind of pain where you fall, yet nobody helps you up. It's the kind of pain where it was promised not to be dealt, but still did. Like an ambush.

As strong as I appear to be, I've been shielding for the past 19 years. It is crumbling, and it's draining my energy just to keep it up.

Like they say, the greatest lie that anyone speaks is "I'm fine."

I'm fine.

Just that I see every potential happy day I have being stripped from me. It's not a good thing to be witnessing or experiencing.

it's 12:27 AM now on Monday, August 8, 2011



Plain lost.
I just had an argument that lasted an entire day.

It all stemmed with me trying to explain how I feel about things, and it all turned out to be an argument that lasted the entire day. I was so tired, and really could use a day without such interference. And even though I wanted to think that it was a happy day, it is still this stupid fact that made my day really bad.

Achilles won many prizes, and we were an overall 2nd place for Best OG. Well done, Achilles. I am proud of you. Keep up the good work, and keep in contact with each other for a long time to come, like your senior Dryads are.

I would have been ecstatic and declare this day a happy day, if not for that argument.

Can't believe it lasted one whole day, and he refused to understand or comprehend anything I said. There are those people who are really insistent and self-centered that they find it so difficult to understand others or make a compromise.

I'm really tired from all the effort I'm putting in. Tired because I'm really trying very hard, yet not really being appreciated. When I'm down, I have him telling me that I'm being ridiculous and him acting like he can't be bothered. Yet when I'm at my breaking point, I'm constantly told to talk to him if I'm sad. I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to him when I'm sad yet he tells me to.

Expectations. I can't meet. Even if I did it won't be sustainable. I'm using up so much energy right now just trying. I wanted to convince him so badly that he shouldn't be expecting so much from me, because it really is too much pressure for me to take. Not only that, having that high an expectation will only bring about disappointment.

Hell. I don't know how he can be two different people in real life and over text. It just really confuses me because I'm troubled by the fact that he is nice in real, yet so hostile without me in his line of sight. It is already an obvious sign of 'out of sight, out of mind.'

If life were that tough for me, I'd rather admit that there wasn't a place for me here from the start. I don't want to force my way through life, working twice as hard as others to get the same returns. I'd rather be gone and let the world continue spinning its own course, than force myself to be part of it.

I want some understanding and compromise. I want people to be aware of my needs and keep them in mind. I don't want people to see me as someone who will do things from them, and then they do not need to do anything for me. It's true that there is no true altruism. But I really hate it when people just take me for granted.

Perhaps what I've learnt from my past has made me weak yet strong. In the sense that, of course, I can be harsh and firm and solid... But in actual fact, it's becoming such a bother that I just had enough of being picked on, being taken for granted.

Confused now. Can't find it. I just keep hoping, just keep wishing. Trying hard not to let myself break again.

it's 1:56 AM now on Saturday, August 6, 2011



The times you want things to be perfect
For once. The long anticipated day - Today... IS SCREWED UP.
Seriously, I can never have a day where it won't screw up. Especially one that I've waited too long for and truly deserved the day.

I have no idea why. All I've been waiting for this whole vacation is today. Where there won't be anymore external committments for him. And today was supposed to be THE DAY where it belonged to me, and me only. I was promised that. Many, multiple, times. In the end, it just ended like that.

I spent most of my day sleeping. He spent most of the day doing video.

What is supposed to be my day turned out to be... yea. Not my day.

Apart from the fact that we ate meals together, and had dinner at Ikea, nothing spectacular went on. It was kind of a huge disappointment on my part.

The freaking worst part is that I can't even blame anyone. And nobody really understands how frustrated I feel. Because really, it all seems like when it comes down to this, I'm not really someone that people would make time for. Not a priority. And it saddens me.

You would feel this way too, if you were in my situation. Because to be honest, I deserve more than this. Promises aren't things to make so you can break them. It's promises that tells the other that no matter what happens, you won't change your mind.

I wished, sincerely, that this day won't be like that. I wished I could be happier.

it's 12:17 AM now on Wednesday, August 3, 2011



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