Sem 1 is over! Wow, that's actually sort of fast. Especially now that it I am year 6 and time just slips through my fingers.

I can be very sure right now that the most changes are taking place in my life. The challenging thing is that we have now reached the toughest fork roads in our lives. So many forks, and so many endpoints. It is also a time in my life where I am most unsure about what is going to happen next, and indecision is just kicking in as the seconds tick by.

I have partially given up on Medicine and aiming for the other sciences instead, which is because I screwed up my high school life at the start. I probably will find it very difficult to make it into NUS Medicine.

There're many things to talk about here now, since I haven't blogged in a very long time. I have been thinking of vlogging, but I guess that will take up more time. But with regards to videos, I have come up with a theme, if I ever do a video, 'Living in a HD world'.

'Living in a HD world' will be about myopic people. I had this inspiration when I took off my spectacles for cleaning, then putting them back on and realizing that everything looks so sharp and clear. And yea, I was wearing my full astigmatism correction spectacles.

This sem had been fun, except for English. I have a decent CAP this sem because English wasn't included.

But oh wells, things have been going just fine nowadays.

Started being really serious about studies and futures. It is at least good now that I am seriously thinking about the future. I guess there are certain things that I have to sacrifice, and that may be the reason why I am so passive in certain other areas.

I really want a different future for myself. Something so different from the rest of my extended family that they will never see me as 'just a relative', but someone they can be proud of. I want to prove to myself and to others that I can do it, that I can work hard to have the future I want.

Which is why I want to study out of this country. I want to study hard and work hard and play hard as well. I don't want to be just average, I want to be good in something, and I want to have something I can proudly tell others about that I will never be wrong about.

I also want my parents to trust me and just give a little more for me, and I want to believe that one day I will prove to them that their investment has not been wasted. I wish they would enable me to do what I want for my future right now. It is so difficult to convince them to be more far-sighted, to believe that I can go far.

I want a different lifestyle. I don't want things to be the same day after day, because deep inside me I know that things can change for the better.

My extended family are a very boring bunch. Nobody is overseas, nobody has anything to flaunt about. I want to change that. I want to give them something they can be different about.

I want to reach higher. Fly higher.

Haven't really been posting here, eh?

That's coz I was doing other things rather than blogging. There were a few events happening in the past few days, Rockband party, shopping, baking... and Maple.

As promised, my shopping trip. Went to Orchard Road and mainly went to Takashimaya. Bought an SAT guide book, which is actually like a phone directory. Also bought a new wallet because my old one was rather tattered, and Mum needed to finish using her vouchers.

Also, went to Gel's house to bake cupcakes. It was really fun. And darn I haven't finished eating.

Maple was fun too. Addictive, I would say.

And oh yeah, I went to get water babies yesterday because it was at the random stuff shop and it was like, $1. So I got one of those packages, and started growing them. And they sorta, grew too big and now I need two large containers to keep them from spilling over. -_-

This is SO annoying.

But I'm feeling happier nowadays. And this, only three people knows. Heehee.

Dammit.

Why the bricks is it always me?

Ugh I really hate it. Getting yelled at bright and early in the morning. If it isn't my Mum, then it's someone else.

But this time, I thought I deserved at least some break? Why can some person just slack off, then because of him, I have to get scolded. He does nothing, and then after that I have to toil extra just coz of him... It's just so unfair la. Everytime there's work to do then he come up with some weird excuse. In the end, he do until so crappy and we have to edit it again.

Like wth?

Another person and I have to double work because one person doesn't want to work.

Walau eh.

I angry edi lah!

I can't always do this lorh! I also get times when I angry wan leh!!!

I don't care le lah! You want to screw up your own grade then we also shouldn't care right? Just blame everything on you next time.

On a lighter note, yesterday I manage to get 2 Artemis Fowl books for $2. Awesome right? That was because my church was having a mini flea market thing to raise funds. So everything was going really really cheap. Found those two books, so I got them.

Well, went to Orchard ytd but i'll write more later...

I have been watching Twilight! And reading the book. I watched it once yesterday, and again today! Lol, I can never get sick of it. Haha~ If Celine reads this she will definitely think I'm crazy.

Today has been a weird day, with nothing to do. I managed to play Maple Leaf Rag page 1 though, which made me happy enough.

Damn, I really suck at certain things. Or should I say, a lot of things. In fact, I don't think I am good at anything at all. It's like there's nothing I can be proud of.

Let's just say I DID have something I was good at, but then, someone totally destroyed it.

Congrats, Cass. Just your damned luck. [What luck?]

Then again, all that I am capable of doing now is to hide behind someone when I'm scared, and in turn allow that person to hide behind me when the need arises. Someone I can share with? But it is nice to have someone that close. Perhaps that's because I know he won't hurt me.

Takes so much effort to stop myself from doing what I really want to do. Simply because I know it isn't the best thing to do. When anything changes, there is a higher chance things might go wrong and... that's what I'm afraid of. Things going wrong, things screwing up.

It's like you standing still for a moment, and you see these fireflies around you. The things that you can be happy with. But when you reach out to grasp it, everything disappears. And once again, you're left in the darkness.

Sad, huh?

Feel free to add me on Skype: cassie.kiara

Hahas. Had an overall, fun day today. Hypertoxic the RockBand band made it into the hall of fame, haha!

Ricky was being so assholic today, to be honest.

I'm currently learning to play Scott Joplin's Maple Leaf Rag! It's such a nice song, and I think I should teach myself over the holidays. It's supposed to be really difficult for me. And yea, it is difficult! It's like, I'm only learning the first page now but I still can't play fast enough when it's both hands. Darn.

Back to work, Cass!

I really wonder how I am going to accomplish what I really want to, during the June Holidays. Sometimes when I do have chances, I still don't really know how to use them?

Ah well, we shall just wait and see what happens.

Cya soon!

Theodore, Conrad, and Kenneth came over for an Xbox360 session today! Hurrah! Though Kenneth left early, at like 3pm.

We were, as usual, playing Rockband for the earlier parts of the session. Really great having them over because that is the only way we can play the band tour thing. If not it's always solo. We have quite a few favourite songs, including: Are you gonna be my girl and Dani California. Today I perfected Portal GlaDOS's "Still Alive", and also "Dani California". Like, sang 100%! Yayness!

I think Still Alive is a cool song, it's cute lah!

We also added a new song to our favourites today, which is "Maps". That song is nice.

But I'm happy today!

Oh, the guys played Halo 3 today and completed the game! That was on easy mode though. The last part was funny, because it was just like driving the Warthog, but the terrain is unstable and there're pieces falling off. Well, they fell into the pit many times before they finally got it done. Haha.

It's really nice having company.

So thank you peeps!

Smiles.

And the bestest part is that...... hmm... You people should know!

*giggles*

I am so looking forward to tomorrow because then it will be that our exams are over! Time to parrrrtay! Heehee.

Ahhhh.... Man, I wouldn't have such great times if I never made that decision. Sheeeeesh. 11May passed without any blemish!

Yay, I forgot to post something here. I got a KOI on neopets! And I zapped it again today. Heng arh, never change species. Phew.

Well, it has been rockband madness these few days. It's like the new hot thing around, haha.

I just wished I could find people to come play with me. And I wished there were more gatherings! Being at home all day is so boring. I'll probably be rockbanding my day through.

These few days have been relatively calm and pleasant. It feels good not having an idiot stuck to your ass. Being with my good friends are like, the best thing!

And I feel so touched sometimes, the small little things that happen.

Get well soon, though, Gel~

And take care of yourself when I can't be there, or when we can't be there.

When in doubt, look for the CATs, ya?

And those around the CATs.

I just randomly remembered I have an official Daniel Radcliffe poster, all the way from UK, sent by Daniel's company thing. I think I love it~! Actually, I have always liked Daniel Radcliffe. Some people say he change when he grew up and don't look as good but I think otherwise leh. He still looks cool wad... I totally hearts him, in the celebrity-like way.

Up till now I was only ever interested in 3 celebrity stuffies and people, 5566, Daniel Radcliffe, and Rain.

Lol.

I miss having someone beside me.

But now there's someone appearing every now and then beside me, so I'm glad.

Ahh.... Those sought-after days.

I loves my Rock Band!

It has a lot of awesome songs with it, and you know... after listening to them for some time, I start to find them really nice.

And the good thing is, I can play it with my friends! ^-^

Hmm. I have been trying to look for an answer these few days, but try as I might, I still have not figured out anything special. Ah, the questions in life. I wished they were so easy to answer. I wished I was equipped with mind reading skills so it would be so much easier to find an answer.

When I was 16/17 years old, I was exposed to just how cruel the world truly is. When I was a kid, yeah, I knew the world was a cruel place. But pfft, that was just a tiny part of it. When I grew older, I've seen people whose life's goals are to make people miserable. They do everything with an intention to hurt others around them, and they derive their pleasures from others' distress. These are the people that don't know how to do things that make others around them comfortable.

But I left that world when I'm turning on 18. Still, there are some around me right now who are like that.

I also see people taking the path of that which would definitely hurt them. I used to want to do something to change that as early as possible, but not anymore, really. Unless they are people who are close enough to me. I guess people sometimes just have to learn things the hard way. It won't be too bad for them. Some people say that people don't learn what they should until they bleed. Ouch.

But then again, none of my business. I protect only those I love. Hehe.

But I have changed a lot since three years ago. I'm no longer as soft as I was, I'm a little tougher, a little harsher. Probably good for me because then I won't be hurt too easily. I felt that when I suddenly loved red and black more than pink and purple, haha.

Anyway, I think I'll be able to sleep very soundly tonight. Wonderful night today!

I have been lazy on my blog for the past few days. Calculus AB was fine, I guess, but I don't think I was at my best performance. Sigh.

One piece of good news is that I convinced mum to let me get RockBand. Yea, I actually wanted Guitar hero, but there was a promotion for RockBand. Also, I wasn't expecting to get it so soon. Maybe like, after exams? But I got moody for awhile because I was so bored of having nothing multiplayable on my Xbox360, and then there was going to be people coming to my house. Then, my mum gave up and told me to go get it the next day if I wanted to.

I paid for it using my own money. Which means I need to continue saving more to fill the gap.

Eventually, my mum also found the game interesting and is currently determined to play the drums right, haha.

Keeping to my promises, I only played 1 hour today, and studied the rest. Then mum came home and I taught her how to play the drums.

Anyway, I'd like to thank those that turned up for the Rockband launch on Thursday. Theodore, Conrad, Angela, Melanie, Shawn, and Kenneth. You people were the best rockers that day!

Well, Thursday was a really happy day for me. It has just proved to me that I have friends who are willing to spend time to have fun with me, or my Xbox, but still I'm there. Lol. Seeing them having fun and smiling amidst this mid-exam period really makes me smile as well.

So, to the sucker that keeps trying to hellify my life, you're failing.

And I plan to make you fail in that aspect because as quoted from a game, "My life is a clean slate, and I AM THE CHALK!"

Also, I'm sort of at a weird fork right now. Everytime something happens that wants me to give up, waiting a little while more always gives me another reason not to. I wonder how long I can keep up... But I've been through worse, I've made it through, and I'm back to where I belong. With the people around me who loves me even more than what someone ever would.

I'm happy.

I could be happier, yes. But still, I'm sufficiently happy.

When I had the greatest fall in my life, the one that hurt the most, I grew the strongest pairs of wings that will take me wherever I want to go. Wings that will take me away from the pain I've gone through. Far away from my tormentor, never to be seen again.

And now I can see my friends again. I can protect, and I can love.

I'm a little scared right now, though. For my roommate and best friend. Because she is now in close proximity and contact with... with Her. And perhaps, I'm really quite worried of what will happen. What will happen to her?

Sigh.

Today's a reading day for me, since there is Calculus AP tomorrow. I feel quite prepared but I guess I have to do a little bit of last minute cramming later.

I'm being reminded of a situation that occurred after I shut down my computer last night. I guess I'll put it up here for all to see. I really damn wished Jun Yup would stay out of my life, so that I can dump my past away and not be pestered by that jerk/asshole/pervert/[insert anything negative]. He should go focus on that girlfriend of his that I don't even like and just stay the hell out of my life like any screwed up jerk of society should.

Here, I am at liberty of saying such stuff because I shall just assume here that he won't care. Or at least, he shouldn't.

Well, it all started with me trying to clear up a POSSIBLE misconception with regards to the breakup. Note the word 'possible'.

Then, he started commenting on how he doesn't interpret it in that way. Telling him that it might be what he meant when he was chatting with me one irritating day, he went on being aggressive about me being the ridiculous one that made those links. The point is, he did discuss this in that context. And the other point is, he was being unnecessarily aggressive, as if it mattered that much to him, sheesh.

Being frustrated, I told him that this convo is becoming some freaky replay of the past, even with the same tone! And well, no sane person like Cass would ever want to go into those days ever again. It was a period of unnecessary hostility due to minute misconceptions. Eww.

And for some weird twisted reason, I don't even know why, he came up with this reply:
"You're right. You're not worth my time, nor my smses. No matter what you do, I'm going to win. Believe me, I'm going to bring you hell, like I promised."

He's actually talking like, I dunno... Like two people? First he said I ain't worth his time, and then he says he is going to bring me hell. And since when did I have a promise that he should/can/would bring me hell? What's the talk about the winning anyway, I never even intended to challenge him in anything. And why would I challenge him in anything, especially since I want him out of my life. And the best part about this, yo, is that he continued his messages after saying I'm not worth his smses.

With that, I replied:
"What do I have to do with your hocus-pocus? -_- Why you drag me into your matters? I feel like a damn lightbulb. And it's hell enough, where I am."

Yeah, like what have I got to do with his political nonsense? I'm out of his life, and I want him out of mine, so can't it just be that way? Sheesh. Just because he can't win the girl with the sideburns, he has to find his ex to vent his frustrations? Then because I don't even care who wins, it's a walkover and yay! He wins? Lol.

Magically, another reply came:
"This isn't my matter, Cass. This is about your life. J A fun toy, for now at least."

So wow, so now he's being concerned about what happens in my life? Oh yes, the toy part. What if I'm so resistant to being toyed by you? Like you've been doing for the past 17 months or so. You think I'm still unable to tell if you're toying or not? He seriously underestimates me. And my life is a toy to him, just like he is to his girlfriend as well. Not my business whether he wants to take that statement seriously. I don't care. All I care about with regards to him is that I can say anything about him here.

To which I replied:
"Oooh. I can see you rather spend time obsessing over your ex than your princess."

Yes, he is obsessing over casting chaos over my life than to protect his precious little sideburns-girl from the evil monsters of death. Seriously, that girl must be damn suay or something.

And again, magically:
"Heh. The best part of this revenge, Cass, is I didn't even have to do anything. You walked into this trap yourself. I'm just laughing over your stupidity."

Oh, I see.... revenge. Revenge for? Last I checked, you were the one who didn't love me so I left you? What does it even matter if you didn't love me anyway. So again, REVENGE FOR? I, on the other hand, have many other things to revenge for with regards to you. Trap? How did you even trap me when I'm not even where you are and you're not even allowed anywhere I go? Laughing over my stupidity of what, breaking up with you? Why, that has gotta be the best decision of the millennium. I am, however, laughing at the amount of ego you have, even after standing beside society's high ups.

So I replied:
"Oh laugh all you want. I don't play by your rules. If you think I actually will be concerned about you, you're wrong."

Yep, you never cared how I feel. So I will never care how you feel. So hear this, get out of my life. And stay there. And I don't even listen to you anymore. You can always say something you want me to hear, and I would, but I won't listen. There's a difference.

Somehow, he doesn't get his own message:
"I don't need you to be concerned about me, Cass. Save it for yourself cause you're going to need it. Though you already can't save yourself no matter what."

Sarcastically, oh please save me from the beast. Seriously, you're far from dooming my life. Yours however, is a different story. We all know where you'll end up next time. My life, I run it, you don't. Free will, asshole.

Sienified, I replied still:
"Oh really? Last I checked, you can't do anything to me. What? You gonna rape me?"

The rape thing was supposedly what he saved me from by being with me. So it's like, yea, an inside joke.

Forgetting my worth, he still replied:
"I don't need to do anything to you, Cass. That is an honour I'm leaving for your wonderful 'friends'."

So you're implying that you are going to make my friends turn against me? Let me remind you that just because your 'friends' do that, it doesn't mean mine will. They're a good bunch of people, are they unlike yours? How much, seriously, can you change what my friends do to me? Right, buddies?

Still sienified, I replied:
"Aww... How sweet. Nope. Not scared at all. You suck too much."

Why should I even feel threatened. I trust my friends enough to be threatened by the last person I would trust. And to me, he sucks, so yea.

Miraculously, he STILL replied:
"That's a weak comeback. But it doesn't matter. I'm already done with your future, so you just go ahead and have a fun time now. Bye."

So amazing how he thinks he is a God of fate. Or something. Look, now he's done with my future. Like, he totally laid everything out for me. A life of misery and pain? Nah, doubt it. Being with him IS the misery and pain part of my entire life. The rest of the hurt and whatnot doesn't even feel like anything painful to me. BYE! I hate you! =P You better stay out of my life now, yea? I'm not worth your time, remember? And I hope I will never be worth your time because I just hate being with you, or like, your friend, you know? Eww.

And it's like damn sick how he 'Cass, Cass, Cass...' throughout his wasted time. If you like my name so much, why don't you ask sideburns to change her name? Then he can 'Cass' all he wants and never have to bother me ever again.

See, gel? Now you know why I rather have a forest than ONE tree. This stupid tree has grown to be a weed now and what if I have no trees to climb up to and hide from? Or no trees to sap the nutrients so the weed cannot grow? You know why you're lucky now, lol.

Ciao people, and remember to keep that bug outta your minds!

I found a new DS game to play today and it was absolutely fun. The game itself isn't new, but just something I just started playing. It's called 'The World Ends With You'. I think I saw someone play it before, but at the point of time I didn't know the name of it. Oh wells, it is a good game. Love the controls.

Also today, I finally start my research on whether I should get Rockband or Guitar Hero. So people, if you want to recommend one of them, just leave a message on the tagboard okay? Right now I'm more for Guitar Hero. That is because GH is cheaper, and I know where it is available. Rockband is more expensive. Still, I want to hear your preferences, haha. I only get one Xbox game per year and this is perhaps the most expensive one ever.

Sigh. All this gaming today really helped in forgetting about my troubles. But it's all now coming back to me. It's night time now after all, and it is the only time where I feel the full impact of the day's events, and the accumulated feelings of times long gone.

I can totally imagine the following scene: There is a snowstorm blowing, and the entire landscape is covered in pure white snow. A little bump in the corner can be seen, it is a white bunny. Upon close inspection, her breathing is shallow, and her fur is matted, stained with crimson blood.

What a sight.

I really wonder if I should give up, because I'm growing weaker by the minute. I have been advised with regards to the right path to take, but is it, really? I also wonder if I can hold on that long.

Perhaps I've grown too reliant? Or is it because I'm growing weaker that I really need to be reliant for now?

Either way... I guess it gets worse when I start to feel that I am not being thought of. Not being cared for. Which is what is happening right now.

Probably the last person he'll ever think of...

The last person he will turn to look at.

Sigh.

Please. Cass needs you.

I didn't really play my Sims today. Didn't have much time to. I spent most of my day playing Tales of Vesperia. I think it's a very inspiring game, because there is always progress and achievements, and you know, they work as a team and all. The story is really nice too. For once I feel like I can do something.

Isn't a really fascinating day today.

Somehow learnt that people don't change. Or at least, some people don't change. I guess that's fine because I don't have to deal with a certain someone anymore. I wished that part of my entire life history can be deleted.

Though my childhood was me growing up in a harsh outside world, I would not want them to be deleted because I can say that they have moulded me into who I am today. Yes, I am much tougher than some people out there, definitely much tougher as an only child at home. I have learnt that nothing goes well, at least for me, and all I can do is wait for something really great to happen. I have been screwing up all the time, and I now know that one way or another I will screw up.

But I want to delete that part of my life history, because I don't really learn anything from it. I have only learnt that there are people out there who are assholes. Worse, incorrigible assholes. As though I haven't been screwing up, that part of my life just tends to be a long term screw up kind of thing. If I had only known this would happen, I would never have started it in the first place. No, actually it wasn't really me who started it. I just enabled it.

I am very sure those times could be spent on doing something that can benefit me now, rather than waste it all on something, or someone, so not worth it. That time there wasn't worth anything, and I gave it so much. Now I can't get them back. I rather give it to someone else who deserves it more.

Because you've been nothing but a jerk who takes everything from me, yet not giving me anything. What was basic wasn't even there, and you just used me. What a jerk.

See, I wished I could just forget every single shit about it so I won't have to type such stuff on my blog. Now I've hurt someone, but I guess this is reasonable for the amount of hurt I have received from this person.

I can feel you slipping through my fingers. Please, don't go away. I need you. I miss you.

I just wished you were here with me. I'm lonely. And I think of you all the time.

I spent most of my day today looking for Sims 2 mods and add-ons. In fact, I spent so much time that I completely give up trying to play Sims with those add-ons after that. Just sat and read 'Devil May Cry'. It's a very interesting book. At least it does soothe my inside a little, and for just a little while I tend to forget what hurts.

Played on the Xbox360 for a little while before I had to go shower.

Then, went to ate at Sakura with my family. This is the first time my parents have been there and they're thrilled. I was happy as well because the food there is good and I love it.

Went home and played Sims for a little while, before I had to quit the game for a meeting on MSN.

Nowadays I realize that MSN isn't my concern much anymore. When I'm on the computer, logging on to MSN isn't one of the first things I do. It just has no purpose now, you see. Well, there is nobody to look forward to, and I'd rather not disappoint myself logging on and hoping that at least someone would want to talk to me.

Are dreams only dreams? Or do they really tell you something? For me, I just hope that dreams are just dreams.

Sigh, I feel more alone now than ever. I feel like…. I'm depressed.

I look at the people around me and I feel like the lousiest person ever because they always have someone to talk to, unlike me. The rest are just people who don't really care about the people around them, or those that feel that there are other things more important to them than friends are.

Some of my friends are just my friends. A small group of them are my good friends.

Some of my friends are my friends because they want to get close to someone else. They think I don't know, but yes, I do know.

Some of my friends are my friends just because they know I can be their listening ear.

But all I need is one friend who will walk with me, no matter what. A listening ear; and a shoulder for me to cry on. A friend who tells me I mean everything to them. To this friend, I am special, not just another friend.

Nowadays I don't cry anymore. I just feel my insides decaying. Because even if I cry, no one will come.

How I wished, that someone would.