Liminality
Didn't really want to post stuff here because someone reads it and is judging me based on my blog... It's kinda sad, coz my blog is the only avenue I can post stuff about how I really feel deep inside and a way for me to relieve some of my saddest thoughts.
Having this avenue taken away, or being labelled as a liability is such a sad thing. It makes me even sadder.
But nonetheless, still my blog. I will include a disclaimer then: Everything typed in the post from this point onwards is not to be used for judgement of the original blogger and author. Should you read on from this point onwards, you are taken to have accepted the above terms and in no way are you allowed to use any material on this post to judge the author.
These few weeks have been terrible. Argh.
School started, and the only weekend I had to rest was the weekend that just passed. And now, it's already recess week and I have 3 midterms spanned through 2 days once school starts again.
I have thus been very stressed ever since, and to add on to that, Someone has been making things difficult for me. I've been trying so damn hard to get it back and he just simply refuses. Not only that, I have been requested to do several things in exchange for... a lot less than what I originally had.
I can't even believe it, all because of one stupid event. My life turned upside down.
The only person who can put it back in place isn't wanting to do so, and I spend my days upset, sobful. While he walks around like a dignified prince.
I also just realized that I cannot think about things that make me happy because he says so. I can't think about how perfect my life was, because he says so. What was supposed to be a relaxing chill on the PGP square blocks (where I love to be at when I look at stars), turned out to be one which made me shed tears, got really sad, and walked up to my room with puffy eyes.
I can't even be happy in my own right when he fails to NOT make me cry. Sigh.
And to be honest, my life sucks, no matter how you look at it. Yes, I am very fortunate to be in good health, study in a uni, and stay in a good hostel room. But this aren't the things that can hurt someone, it's what hurts from within.
It hurts when you know you are SO lucky to have met two guys consecutively, whom I had loved very much, who fail to appreciate me for who I am. For judging me based on my looks. What my body is or made up of. I just don't comprehend how my luck can be so bad.
And I spent so much time and effort on it to boot.
And some selfishness kick in and ruins everything for me.
The perfect birthday I envisioned, the one where everything in life falls in place and there is that security factor. GONE. With one person's selfishness.
I always wanted a birthday like that and I was that close to getting it. Until that stupid stupid day.
Don't understand why fate has to make me walk an entire circle just for me to end up where I was. I bet that bitch is laughing at me right now.
I just want to walk ONCE, and be done. I don't need to walk a smoother path or what, I just want one.
That stupid fate.
Why can't I just have a life where people can appreciate me for who I am. Why?
With the amount of good things I've ever done, I deserve good karma. So why?
Why can't the person I love, just love me back for who I am forgod'ssake. WHY?
Haihz. For now, life sucks back again. And in fact, it sucks so much more now.
Having this avenue taken away, or being labelled as a liability is such a sad thing. It makes me even sadder.
But nonetheless, still my blog. I will include a disclaimer then: Everything typed in the post from this point onwards is not to be used for judgement of the original blogger and author. Should you read on from this point onwards, you are taken to have accepted the above terms and in no way are you allowed to use any material on this post to judge the author.
These few weeks have been terrible. Argh.
School started, and the only weekend I had to rest was the weekend that just passed. And now, it's already recess week and I have 3 midterms spanned through 2 days once school starts again.
I have thus been very stressed ever since, and to add on to that, Someone has been making things difficult for me. I've been trying so damn hard to get it back and he just simply refuses. Not only that, I have been requested to do several things in exchange for... a lot less than what I originally had.
I can't even believe it, all because of one stupid event. My life turned upside down.
The only person who can put it back in place isn't wanting to do so, and I spend my days upset, sobful. While he walks around like a dignified prince.
I also just realized that I cannot think about things that make me happy because he says so. I can't think about how perfect my life was, because he says so. What was supposed to be a relaxing chill on the PGP square blocks (where I love to be at when I look at stars), turned out to be one which made me shed tears, got really sad, and walked up to my room with puffy eyes.
I can't even be happy in my own right when he fails to NOT make me cry. Sigh.
And to be honest, my life sucks, no matter how you look at it. Yes, I am very fortunate to be in good health, study in a uni, and stay in a good hostel room. But this aren't the things that can hurt someone, it's what hurts from within.
It hurts when you know you are SO lucky to have met two guys consecutively, whom I had loved very much, who fail to appreciate me for who I am. For judging me based on my looks. What my body is or made up of. I just don't comprehend how my luck can be so bad.
And I spent so much time and effort on it to boot.
And some selfishness kick in and ruins everything for me.
The perfect birthday I envisioned, the one where everything in life falls in place and there is that security factor. GONE. With one person's selfishness.
I always wanted a birthday like that and I was that close to getting it. Until that stupid stupid day.
Don't understand why fate has to make me walk an entire circle just for me to end up where I was. I bet that bitch is laughing at me right now.
I just want to walk ONCE, and be done. I don't need to walk a smoother path or what, I just want one.
That stupid fate.
Why can't I just have a life where people can appreciate me for who I am. Why?
With the amount of good things I've ever done, I deserve good karma. So why?
Why can't the person I love, just love me back for who I am forgod'ssake. WHY?
Haihz. For now, life sucks back again. And in fact, it sucks so much more now.
If water flows through the gaps in my fingers...
I would still do whatever I can to keep it in my hands. To quench the fire burning within me.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
Save my birthday!
Today, or for the past two weeks, I found out that my birthday was ruined. FML.
Been reading FMLs these few days to lighten up a bit and to see that I wasn't the only one whose life is filled with misfortunate events. It did serve its purpose and made me smile so yea, good good (:
Well, I know I always say that things are unfair and such but okay, this is really unfair. -,- I gave him a series of celebrations during his birthday and in return, I get messages from him since the past two weeks that he can't wait to leave me.
OH. OH. OH. How great a 'present' this is!!
._. I realised I'm painting him in a bad light.
Sorreh.
But it can't beat this feeling I've got here with an impending screwed up birthday. Haihx.
You know I'm gonna be hurt again the same way I was last time... The thought of it really makes me sick. And determined to prevent it from occurring. And it's why I am not going to give up.
In general, I still can't understand why some people are just such irritating people, to put it in a nice way. Like, how could anyone just decide to leave and leave just like that? Without any consideration whatsoever, without any qualms that they could've hurt someone or ruined their lives, after spending such an amount of time and dedication into it?
Last year's birthday, I spent it upset at not being able to join SCMC. And wished for a better birthday next year. Well, guess what, it's so much more worse now.
Only if I could solve this shit and go back to the way we were.
Would be really appreciative if my live doesn't screw up anymore. Sigh.
In any case, I am still trying to be positive and optimistic. So I am being confident that my upsetedness now is temporary and I will be able to resolve it and go back to the way I like it to be. No matter what, it's gonna be something I will do until it gets solved. Nobody, not even HIM is going to stop me.
I will freaking show you that you're WRONG now and you will regret your thinking next time because I will solve it no matter what you say.
This week supposed to be a happy one that will accumulate and make my birthday a great one. Not anymore.
Been reading FMLs these few days to lighten up a bit and to see that I wasn't the only one whose life is filled with misfortunate events. It did serve its purpose and made me smile so yea, good good (:
Well, I know I always say that things are unfair and such but okay, this is really unfair. -,- I gave him a series of celebrations during his birthday and in return, I get messages from him since the past two weeks that he can't wait to leave me.
OH. OH. OH. How great a 'present' this is!!
._. I realised I'm painting him in a bad light.
Sorreh.
But it can't beat this feeling I've got here with an impending screwed up birthday. Haihx.
You know I'm gonna be hurt again the same way I was last time... The thought of it really makes me sick. And determined to prevent it from occurring. And it's why I am not going to give up.
In general, I still can't understand why some people are just such irritating people, to put it in a nice way. Like, how could anyone just decide to leave and leave just like that? Without any consideration whatsoever, without any qualms that they could've hurt someone or ruined their lives, after spending such an amount of time and dedication into it?
Last year's birthday, I spent it upset at not being able to join SCMC. And wished for a better birthday next year. Well, guess what, it's so much more worse now.
Only if I could solve this shit and go back to the way we were.
Would be really appreciative if my live doesn't screw up anymore. Sigh.
In any case, I am still trying to be positive and optimistic. So I am being confident that my upsetedness now is temporary and I will be able to resolve it and go back to the way I like it to be. No matter what, it's gonna be something I will do until it gets solved. Nobody, not even HIM is going to stop me.
I will freaking show you that you're WRONG now and you will regret your thinking next time because I will solve it no matter what you say.
This week supposed to be a happy one that will accumulate and make my birthday a great one. Not anymore.
Why is there so much to do?
Today is Science Day at school! The response was not bad, the donuts sold well! A lot of people were there to help at the booth so it was quite cool (: Well done to the planning committee, after so long, it's finally over and successful! Truly a job well done.
I also went to watch a concert at UCC today, Souvenirs. This is for my SoM module and I have to write a report on it regarding the Science behind the music, technologies and such.
As a result, I returned quite late.
Kinda tired now. Yet another day past without resolving anything. How I wished it was simple, you know, where we don't have to go through this notion. Don't have to worry daily about convincing you. Man, just wished it was settled and resolved. The way I want it.
Next Monday we gotta present out project proposal for Ecology. The thing is that it is really difficult to even come up with a topic. And our groupmates just can't find a common enough time for discussion.
Not forgetting, a half-day Ubin trip on Saturday. Argh. So busy >.<
But I'm still the me. Everyday hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out great. Although inside got a lot of frustrations but trying to slowly let it leak out of me through un-toxic means.
Jiayou ba, Cass... Everything will be fine. Keep smiling! (:
I also went to watch a concert at UCC today, Souvenirs. This is for my SoM module and I have to write a report on it regarding the Science behind the music, technologies and such.
As a result, I returned quite late.
Kinda tired now. Yet another day past without resolving anything. How I wished it was simple, you know, where we don't have to go through this notion. Don't have to worry daily about convincing you. Man, just wished it was settled and resolved. The way I want it.
Next Monday we gotta present out project proposal for Ecology. The thing is that it is really difficult to even come up with a topic. And our groupmates just can't find a common enough time for discussion.
Not forgetting, a half-day Ubin trip on Saturday. Argh. So busy >.<
But I'm still the me. Everyday hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out great. Although inside got a lot of frustrations but trying to slowly let it leak out of me through un-toxic means.
Jiayou ba, Cass... Everything will be fine. Keep smiling! (:
New Mac
I am now officially part of the Mac family (:
After Internals ended yesterday, I rushed down to Comex2011 to get my new MacBook Pro. It's a birthday present from my parents, since they needed to replace the home desktop and have decided that they will use my awesome buddy Compaq. I'm still trying to get used to the interface and all, so... Yep.
My Compaq has been with me for the past 2.5 years and to be really honest, it hasn't brought me too much trouble. Except for once when its battery adapter spoilt and I had to replace it. And today, when it hung on me while I tried to transfer my stuff into my HDD.
I'll miss it while it's gone but at least, it is still a good computer that my parents can use and I don't have to sell it away!
Anyway, Internals hmm... After a tough fight, I managed to be elected as Hon. Gen. Sec. Really really appreciate the people who voted for me, even though my speech wasn't that good or anything. I hope I won't disappoint you, or Science, because I'm going to give it my best. And when I make mistakes, please come to me, tell me where I've gone wrong and guide me through.
I was really tired today. After returning from Comex, I went home coz I needed to grab some formal attire. So since it was late, my Dad didn't want to send me back and I didn't want to bother him either, so I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am (to me) so that I can follow my parents out and get to school via public transport.
The crowd was crazy today! Even though it's supposed to be vacation for the schooling kids. With my heavy bag and large bag of computer accessories and clothes, it was amazing that I made it all the way here. NEVER take bus 183 from Clementi in the morning, ever. The people swarmed the bus and all it was really scary.
This week is pretty exciting. There is Science Day tomorrow which is gonna be so fun! (: And also I have to go to a concert tomorrow. On Thursday I have to attend the Annual General Meeting in the evening till night, and yep. Still don't know if Leonard wants to come. And again, on Saturday I have to wake up at an ungodly hour to prepare for the Pulau Ubin trip. 6.15am at school wthhh? I think I might have to WALK all the way to Science from PGP. In the wee hours of the morning.
And after that, it's time to chill and absorb the day. Enjoy enjoy, happy happy. (:
HOPE FOR THE BEST!!
Man I wished that my Birthday wish comes true. (:
P.S. This is my 500th post on this blog. HOORAY~!!
After Internals ended yesterday, I rushed down to Comex2011 to get my new MacBook Pro. It's a birthday present from my parents, since they needed to replace the home desktop and have decided that they will use my awesome buddy Compaq. I'm still trying to get used to the interface and all, so... Yep.
My Compaq has been with me for the past 2.5 years and to be really honest, it hasn't brought me too much trouble. Except for once when its battery adapter spoilt and I had to replace it. And today, when it hung on me while I tried to transfer my stuff into my HDD.
I'll miss it while it's gone but at least, it is still a good computer that my parents can use and I don't have to sell it away!
Anyway, Internals hmm... After a tough fight, I managed to be elected as Hon. Gen. Sec. Really really appreciate the people who voted for me, even though my speech wasn't that good or anything. I hope I won't disappoint you, or Science, because I'm going to give it my best. And when I make mistakes, please come to me, tell me where I've gone wrong and guide me through.
I was really tired today. After returning from Comex, I went home coz I needed to grab some formal attire. So since it was late, my Dad didn't want to send me back and I didn't want to bother him either, so I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6am (to me) so that I can follow my parents out and get to school via public transport.
The crowd was crazy today! Even though it's supposed to be vacation for the schooling kids. With my heavy bag and large bag of computer accessories and clothes, it was amazing that I made it all the way here. NEVER take bus 183 from Clementi in the morning, ever. The people swarmed the bus and all it was really scary.
This week is pretty exciting. There is Science Day tomorrow which is gonna be so fun! (: And also I have to go to a concert tomorrow. On Thursday I have to attend the Annual General Meeting in the evening till night, and yep. Still don't know if Leonard wants to come. And again, on Saturday I have to wake up at an ungodly hour to prepare for the Pulau Ubin trip. 6.15am at school wthhh? I think I might have to WALK all the way to Science from PGP. In the wee hours of the morning.
And after that, it's time to chill and absorb the day. Enjoy enjoy, happy happy. (:
HOPE FOR THE BEST!!
Man I wished that my Birthday wish comes true. (:
P.S. This is my 500th post on this blog. HOORAY~!!
Long night
A long time ago, I had to shift blog address very frequently coz Someone will keep having stuff to say about my posts. But not annymore. My blog is my blog, and what I post is up to me... Thus, I will stand by my posts, and not just avoid, avoid, avoid. Besides, I'm not flaming anyone or posting defamatory contents.
In any case, this weekend is the Internal Elections for the club. We only managed to allocate one position the entire night. And now we can't start the Elections coz we aren't able to meet the quorum. Sigh. It's going to be a damn long day again.
But it's good lar, coz this session really bonded the new committee together and we are able to talk, laugh, joke... In the midst of seriousness still have fun.
Despite having other stuff to worry about, I still managed to keep my focus last night. Good job to the candidate though, hats off for standing there really long and still have the same passion throughout.
Still hope for a better tomorrow every single day. Even if I was going to remain positive now because I have something to believe in, sometimes can't help but think how much will be lost if something bad happens. Coz of that, I am not going to give up because I don't want to lose this part of myself. But to have gained such a perspective in life, I hope I can use it to go on to improve whatever I had in the past that I had lost due to the mistake. I think this is the thing that will really make me ditch my past and have something real to look forward to.
Hmm. Birthday coming anyway, but then again I don't want to expect so much out of it. Since last year been looking forward to the BIG 20! Yays. It would have been perfect la, would have is the word. But something struck and then it's not going to be like that anymore.
And recently, someone told me this statement, "When something bad happens, we don't find blame. The most important thing is to find a solution..."
Simple statement, but managed to touch me in various ways. It matters not now that I might just never have the same sort of happiness that I had, and I don't find fault anymore because I have done my part in apology and have the intention to put all unpleasantness behind me and then start with a new slate in my rs. Now I just want to do my best to fix it.
So even though my birthday won't be as sweet and perfect and ideal now, I don't blame anyone for it. I just want to make the best out of it, and give me the happy birthday that I deserve for making it through 20 years of my life. For going through the trials and tribulations and surviving them, learning from my mistakes, for the people I've helped or the people I've reached out to, the people whose lives have changed for the better because of me.
On that day, I shouldn't deserve to be sad. It is a celebration of my birth and existence in the world and no matter what, I deserve to be happy on my birthday.
(Though, my heart goes out to all 911 victims.)
In any case, this weekend is the Internal Elections for the club. We only managed to allocate one position the entire night. And now we can't start the Elections coz we aren't able to meet the quorum. Sigh. It's going to be a damn long day again.
But it's good lar, coz this session really bonded the new committee together and we are able to talk, laugh, joke... In the midst of seriousness still have fun.
Despite having other stuff to worry about, I still managed to keep my focus last night. Good job to the candidate though, hats off for standing there really long and still have the same passion throughout.
Still hope for a better tomorrow every single day. Even if I was going to remain positive now because I have something to believe in, sometimes can't help but think how much will be lost if something bad happens. Coz of that, I am not going to give up because I don't want to lose this part of myself. But to have gained such a perspective in life, I hope I can use it to go on to improve whatever I had in the past that I had lost due to the mistake. I think this is the thing that will really make me ditch my past and have something real to look forward to.
Hmm. Birthday coming anyway, but then again I don't want to expect so much out of it. Since last year been looking forward to the BIG 20! Yays. It would have been perfect la, would have is the word. But something struck and then it's not going to be like that anymore.
And recently, someone told me this statement, "When something bad happens, we don't find blame. The most important thing is to find a solution..."
Simple statement, but managed to touch me in various ways. It matters not now that I might just never have the same sort of happiness that I had, and I don't find fault anymore because I have done my part in apology and have the intention to put all unpleasantness behind me and then start with a new slate in my rs. Now I just want to do my best to fix it.
So even though my birthday won't be as sweet and perfect and ideal now, I don't blame anyone for it. I just want to make the best out of it, and give me the happy birthday that I deserve for making it through 20 years of my life. For going through the trials and tribulations and surviving them, learning from my mistakes, for the people I've helped or the people I've reached out to, the people whose lives have changed for the better because of me.
On that day, I shouldn't deserve to be sad. It is a celebration of my birth and existence in the world and no matter what, I deserve to be happy on my birthday.
(Though, my heart goes out to all 911 victims.)
Been some time
It's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Been very busy, and on top of that, stuff to worry and deal with all the time. Later or tomorrow, I am so going to get grilled. Damn emotional roller coaster AGAIN. Except that it would be for a whole different thing.
In any case, I've decided to you know, change myself more, and become more cheerful, more optimistic, more positive. Because there is something to believe in now, and believing in it requires that much of me. Thus, I have decided to make this change.
But the main point of this post is to put across a message.
I am trying. I try hard, because it is worth it, and it is worth believing. One day, I just know we will be back to when we were again. Even though there won't be those times we spent together coz of work and distance, it's okay. Because I keep you in my heart, and as long as I know you are still with me wherever you are. I will be happy.
People make mistakes. I make mistakes. People get stressed. I get stressed. I'm sorry if I upsetted you in any way. I probably had my reasons then, but those were in the past, and I am now determined to change, not only for us, but because I know that it is good for me.
Yes, I always look forward to the next day. Even if you couldn't tell me that it's going to be okay. That we will stay together and not let go. I look forward to the next day because every day brings new hope, new circumstance, and new opportunities. I still hope and look forward to the day we are able to bridge this emotional gap between us now and go back to the way we were. The way we loved. I look forward, and I have reason to believe, reason to hold on. Reason enough for me to never give up on us.
Even though you're not in school with me right now, I still keep myself smiling. When I'm in the clubroom, I look at the desk where we studied together. When I'm in the canteen buying drinks, I look at the D-Plus bread that we used to squabble over which flavours were the nicest (Purple Potato Paste v.s. Blueberry). When I'm at U-Town and I see subway, I remember how we shares footlong sandwiches while watching Fullmetal Alchemist in your room. When I'm at PGP, I remember the times we had SourceOfHealth Food for dinner, grab bubble red tea, and chilled under the stars; how we did laundry together; how we went back to PGP after every day...
These are memories that mean a lot to me, and I cherish every single one of them. Even if you weren't able to be here physically with me, these are the things that put a smile on my face. I won't let us end like that. These are the things that keep me holding on, because it made me genuinely happy. These are the reasons why I keep believing in us.
And now with the emotional gap between us, I am damn well going to patch it up for us. We are most definitely going to work things out.
If you're reading this now, I sincerely hope that you'd forgive me for the things I've done to upset you, and give us both a chance to hold on.
I love you, Lennie.
In any case, I've decided to you know, change myself more, and become more cheerful, more optimistic, more positive. Because there is something to believe in now, and believing in it requires that much of me. Thus, I have decided to make this change.
But the main point of this post is to put across a message.
I am trying. I try hard, because it is worth it, and it is worth believing. One day, I just know we will be back to when we were again. Even though there won't be those times we spent together coz of work and distance, it's okay. Because I keep you in my heart, and as long as I know you are still with me wherever you are. I will be happy.
People make mistakes. I make mistakes. People get stressed. I get stressed. I'm sorry if I upsetted you in any way. I probably had my reasons then, but those were in the past, and I am now determined to change, not only for us, but because I know that it is good for me.
Yes, I always look forward to the next day. Even if you couldn't tell me that it's going to be okay. That we will stay together and not let go. I look forward to the next day because every day brings new hope, new circumstance, and new opportunities. I still hope and look forward to the day we are able to bridge this emotional gap between us now and go back to the way we were. The way we loved. I look forward, and I have reason to believe, reason to hold on. Reason enough for me to never give up on us.
Even though you're not in school with me right now, I still keep myself smiling. When I'm in the clubroom, I look at the desk where we studied together. When I'm in the canteen buying drinks, I look at the D-Plus bread that we used to squabble over which flavours were the nicest (Purple Potato Paste v.s. Blueberry). When I'm at U-Town and I see subway, I remember how we shares footlong sandwiches while watching Fullmetal Alchemist in your room. When I'm at PGP, I remember the times we had SourceOfHealth Food for dinner, grab bubble red tea, and chilled under the stars; how we did laundry together; how we went back to PGP after every day...
These are memories that mean a lot to me, and I cherish every single one of them. Even if you weren't able to be here physically with me, these are the things that put a smile on my face. I won't let us end like that. These are the things that keep me holding on, because it made me genuinely happy. These are the reasons why I keep believing in us.
And now with the emotional gap between us, I am damn well going to patch it up for us. We are most definitely going to work things out.
If you're reading this now, I sincerely hope that you'd forgive me for the things I've done to upset you, and give us both a chance to hold on.
I love you, Lennie.