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I'm late for school
I'm supposed to be making my way to school right now, but I'm not because I can't get out of house yet. Face is ugly now, and I have to settle some matters on the phone before leaving (yea, that is what I mean, babyboy.) I can't go yet until I settle this shit.

Shit, is a good word to describe it. Because firstly, that is what I feel like right now. And secondly, it stinks to have to deal with it. Thirdly coz you can never stop anyone from shitting coz that's called constipation.

On this very day, I'm being reminded how living in this world can be a pain in the ass. Not like I chose to be here, I just am here. But having already been here, I should be entitled to my rights and my own selfishness. I should have some value. And so far, it's been dismal. Everyone just expects me to do things, and they aren't very willing when I expect things from them. Ironic, isn't it that they expect leaps and bounds from me, yet I can't even expect them to be... well, normal.

In all honesty, feeling lousy right now. I got pissed just now and threw my comb. I wished I had something more epic to throw. That would be a good way to vent my frustrations, other than trying to bruise myself on the wall by punching it. I heard it makes you bleed too. Too much trouble to clean it up later.

And it all feels like you're the one being shortchanged in all of these. Like, sacrifices cost more than what they reap and you regret. You regret agreeing to all this crap because it's hurting you now more than ever. You wonder why others are smiling when you are the one who should have been. And when they frown at your sacrifice you just feel like beating the shit out of them.
I'm the one who is hurting now, not you. Don't you dare complain. -That's what I feel like now.
Hate them all for doing this to cause this to me.

For once I feel like my tears be seen and my cries be heard. When I deal with all of these behind everyone so they think I'm strong and I'm happy. No, I'm not. I'm breaking myself everyday so you won't be able to break me. So that I seem strong.

I know I am. I just don't want to be that anymore.

it's 2:39 PM now on Tuesday, July 26, 2011



Trying very hard.
I'm making an effort to be alright with what's going on.
I find myself being really frustrated, really irritated at what's going on around me. Not to mention, really tired, and really moodless in doing what I do or have to do.

Sometimes I just wished friends could be friends, and everyone around can be just like a happy one big family. You care for me and me care for you, sorta thing. I hate it when politics come into play, or when someone just becomes selfish, or someone's not being receptive. Sigh.

Everything seems so much like a chore. Going here, going there... Staying here, staying there... Waiting for shit to happen. I just am so tired and sick of it. Somehow feel like I'm alone again just waiting for someone to come notice me.

I wish many things. I wished I didn't have to go through this, basically. The stress, the packed schedules, the awkward moments, and the near future. Damn, I just want it all to stop. Can we just go back to how we were. Where everyday is just going to lectures, doing tutorials, seeing friends, and seeing Lennie...

I'm honestly not looking forward to start of term where everybody is leaving. The reason that kept me in science, that family around me. Now, the prospect of it being taken away. I'll be surrounded by scenes I'd very much like to have. And when I see them I feel alone again. Yes, I really am. It won't be the same, the hallways will look empty, the clubroom cold, my room a prison, and every sound I hear would sound muffled.

The idea of being replaced. Not by someone, no. But by an idea, an entity. A choice that would be difficult for him to make. Sometimes... I just wished it could be easier. I just wished. If it's them or me, that it would be easy to tell which is a better option.

I really don't know how to put this in words anymore. I just don't want to do anything anymore. Everything I do seems to just make things worse, make me feel worse. I just want time to stop now and not progress. I want him here again. I don't want to do anything for fear of matters getting worse. Stop. Just stop everything.

I want things to be how it was awhile ago. I don't want to let go of it.
I don't want to see things that remind me of what I should have gotten, yet not going to be getting them...
I have been trying. But things are not making it easier for me.
I'm ripping myself open and bleeding, yet I know it is for the best. Because there is no other option. Everyone knows it's painful, and they know that it's the only way to do it.

I don't want to...

it's 12:50 AM now on Thursday, July 21, 2011



What a day!
If I woke up without trouble before 10am, it means one thing: I haven't slept well last night. So basically that was it for today. Managed to wake up at 5.45am without difficulty.
Only had awhile to pack before I had to leave home, so dad can send me to school.

I think I pissed my parents off in the morning today, coz I realised that the SD card for their camera was stuck in my computer so they couldn't use the camera for their chalet thing later in the day. I was already in school and dad has already left. So yea, he got pretty pissed...

We had an SCMC meeting today, and today's cakes were awesome. We had awfully chocolate cake and Bakerzin's Strawberry Shortcake. I think everybody enjoyed it and also that we deserved the treat. Meeting ended slightly early today as compared to last time. Oh, and Mengmei joined us today too. (:
We then had Wendy's after everything and had a fun htht thing going on.
I scared Hussein with my finger tricks, like my hitch-hiker's thumb as well as the 4th finger flicking thing, haha!

We then went back after that..

Anyway, have been invited to Google+ by Sufyan, and it is pretty cool, that function which allows many people to mass webcam at the same time. We can watch Youtube videos together too! I mean, yeah, that's the main thing about Google+ now la..

Overall today was alright. Got to talk to alot of people, and see SCMC come together as an Ohana! Had fish soup in the morning too WAHH!!! O.o

Even though at night was abit disappointing but still... Happy memories of Ohana...

it's 12:05 AM now on Sunday, July 17, 2011



ANNOYING as hell.
Another day gone, another day closer to his transfer.
Soon, I will be going to school alone. Eating lunch alone. Eating dinner alone. Attending lectures like an empty being. Nothing to look forward to at the end of the day.

Sienz ji bua.

Today I just felt extremely extremely stressed out. My tear ducts did betray my emotions a few times but thankfully nobody caught it. The whole day today felt like I was going to explode and there was nobody to talk to.

But glad to say, I made it. It was tough, and it was frustrating, but I made it. Even though my chest felt tight a lot of times and I thought I couldn't breathe, I still did.

I just didn't know what to do. Things just keep being taken away from me. Promises broken. Being left alone and being told I was going to be left alone...
Being independent is one thing, it's there when you absolutely have no choice to coz nobody is taking care of you... I can't do it all the time. Obvious reason: I need you!

Sigh.

If I had a self-destruct button, today would be the day I'd press it.

Just couldn't get my points through to Leonard. Sms is a bitch. So is the camp.
Everytime I see what he says in his sms and I have to reply, I just feel like giving up and like, really throw my phone at the wall to break it. But my iPhone is worth more than that so I resisted. So badly.
Have no more energy for that. I can just imagine myself just collapsing there and not doing anything.

Well, nobody enjoys being told that they have to independent coz someone else has no time for them. It's not even an excuse since it is only a matter of how one manipulates their time. By that statement, another promise/word has been broken. If someone were important enough to them, then they would naturally be willing to free up some time for them. A want to care for them. To make sure they're fine.

Doubt that saying sorry sorry all the time would mean anything if they didn't mean it or if they couldn't be bothered avoiding doing such things again...

I just feel like giving up on everything now. I am too tired to handle and to fight anymore. Just spare me the pain already... Take me home...

it's 12:21 AM now on Friday, July 15, 2011



Back from prep camp
SOW 11 Prep camp finished yesterday, and I'm back after a good night's sleep. The series of dreams that I had last night really helped distract me from the woes of the day.

My house is quite awesome. Although, I don't really love the OG names too much. It's the people that make the camp awesome la, so hopefully we all become more bonded and stuff so we can rahrah the juniors and make them high as well. The games were VERY fun. OMG, so many new interesting games! War games was something different as well. I missed out the first day of prep and apparently I missed a lot of the funner games then... Sienz. Just gotta see when the real camp comes.

Looking forward to meeting my freshies. However, Moltres, I still lurve you okayy? Don't doubt that.

Another wave of prep activity. But I actually have a lot of events next week. Very annoying and conflicting.

This week sucks.

Yesterday I edited the lyrics of Hot Chelle Rae's Tonight Tonight and it goes:

It's been a really really messed up week
Five days of lonely, Five days of bitter
And my boyfriend went to ADM camp
He's an Arts enthusiast but I am a Science student.

La la la, whatever.
La la la, it doesn't matter.
La la la, oh well.
La la la~

I'm so frustrated tonight, tonight
There's nobody on the rooftop
Top of the world, tonight, tonight
And I'm stuck here while he goes and have a good time.

I don't know if I'll make it
But watch how good I'll fake it
It's all right, all right, tonight, tonight!

Yeah. That's how bored and frustrated I am. Too bad I can't do anything about it.

Recently I've learnt the beauty of blasting music really loudly. When you're annoyed, frustrated, upset, whatever... Blasting music just drowns out those voices in your head that keep whispering stuff to make you upset. Then you'll just focus on the loud music and nothing else, and it kinda helps with the upsettedness a bit.

Wanted to drink the Breezer in the fridge for a quick fix, but I've already told Lennie that the Breezer is his. Maybe I should just be mean and selfish and eat the ice cream we were meant to share. Yeah. That would give me some satisfaction. It's like how you're doing stuff like what they're doing to you back to them. Confused yet?

Mummy's birthday today. I still haven't thought of anything fun to do. But I made her card already!

Man, I'm like, always doing stuff for people and giving people pleasant surprises. Somehow I wished I had surprises like that too, for me. But nope, none so far. The best one I've had was Birthday Mooncakes by my awesome Dryads. I really didn't suspect anything, until the real thing occurred! They were THAT awesome seriously. Can't love them anymore than that. <3
Thank yous Dryads!!!!! <3 <3 <3

I guess, that's one happy memory I can take with me!

Alright, don't want to make this so long so I shall end off here~

it's 11:48 AM now on Wednesday, July 13, 2011



BROKEN
Sometimes I read about people posting certain videos, or stories, and then the readers/viewers say that it is so touching it will move them to tears. But when I watch or read them, I rarely rarely have my tear ducts activated.

So I wonder, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! I probably am broken. Yea. I blame my past. Not being a broken recorder but really, I blame it all on my past. No kid my age should go through such traumatizing times, seriously. Argh.

Perhaps I've been through so much that my tear ducts have 'hardened' to external stimulations. Kinda think that these things are not worth shedding tears for, since there have been more serious situations that tears had been shed for.

No, I only cry for the moments where the people I love stab me where it hurts the most. As a kid, I have tasted the bitterness of betrayal, and it's truly something I don't want to go through again.

If I could change the past, I would... have just wished for caring hands instead of hands that cane. (: I don't blame myself for my past.

Yeaps.

Many times I feel sad coz I feel very unaccomplished. Kinda feel like doing my best in everything but I shy back sometimes coz I feel unappreciated luh. Which then in turn makes people think I'm incapable. But I don't blame them ba, generally. So I only go where I am needed, where people are willing to trust me to do my work.

Yeap.

Tired now sia...

it's 12:48 AM now on Friday, July 1, 2011



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