Wrong
I don't know what I'm doing wrong in my life.
But it seems like everything is wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I can't do anything right even though I am doing all I can for it to be right. For it to be right to myself, right for others.
Things end up to be disastrous, and more often than not, I'm the only one that's hurt and lost, and the other person ends up to have gained and happy and stuff.
It really pains me to be in this kind of situation again, really.
The world, life, and the people around me... Those that I've chosen to trust are the ones who end up hurting me. And after that, I can't stop thinking about what went wrong or if I've done wrong. And often, I tell myself that I have done all I could. I really have.
I've been reminded again, of how worthless I am to some people.
Am I that worthless that the person I've trusted for so long couldn't even stand up to fight for me? Wouldn't he put in any effort at all to keep me close?
No.
What I was worth to him, was him trying to get rid of me. And I am not even worth his efforts to try to keep.
Friends.
Friend.
What lies.
Last thing I'd want is to be hurt like this. I feel like my world is shattered in a matter of minutes. I feel like I can't trust anyone.
Everything I feared thrown straight into my face. The person not even blinking an eye to this, not even shaken by his actions toward me.
Am I that worthless?
But it seems like everything is wrong. Sometimes I just feel like I can't do anything right even though I am doing all I can for it to be right. For it to be right to myself, right for others.
Things end up to be disastrous, and more often than not, I'm the only one that's hurt and lost, and the other person ends up to have gained and happy and stuff.
It really pains me to be in this kind of situation again, really.
The world, life, and the people around me... Those that I've chosen to trust are the ones who end up hurting me. And after that, I can't stop thinking about what went wrong or if I've done wrong. And often, I tell myself that I have done all I could. I really have.
I've been reminded again, of how worthless I am to some people.
Am I that worthless that the person I've trusted for so long couldn't even stand up to fight for me? Wouldn't he put in any effort at all to keep me close?
No.
What I was worth to him, was him trying to get rid of me. And I am not even worth his efforts to try to keep.
Friends.
Friend.
What lies.
Last thing I'd want is to be hurt like this. I feel like my world is shattered in a matter of minutes. I feel like I can't trust anyone.
Everything I feared thrown straight into my face. The person not even blinking an eye to this, not even shaken by his actions toward me.
Am I that worthless?
Unbelievable
Saw someone share on Facebook today about 'letting go'.
So I clicked on it, read it, and thought to myself, "This is ridiculous." And got quite annoyed with the content of it.
Reading some of the comments, I felt a little more at ease. Of course, most of them were agreeing with the thing, and there were some that disagreed.
Personally, I agreed but then disagreed after relating it to myself.
So let me share this here too, so I can properly do a post about it without you all being blur about what I'm talking about. I do not own the following image.
Okay, so I know like this person who, if reading this blog, will jump out of their seat and say, "Ya man, this is what I've been telling you to for the past 6 months!"
Shit, now it's like 7.
Why I disagree with the content:
So I clicked on it, read it, and thought to myself, "This is ridiculous." And got quite annoyed with the content of it.
Reading some of the comments, I felt a little more at ease. Of course, most of them were agreeing with the thing, and there were some that disagreed.
Personally, I agreed but then disagreed after relating it to myself.
So let me share this here too, so I can properly do a post about it without you all being blur about what I'm talking about. I do not own the following image.
Shit, now it's like 7.
Why I disagree with the content:
- NEVER let anybody go without a fight. If you didn't try at all with your efforts to hold them back, then you shouldn't be giving up on them and letting them go.
This guy commented on this image saying that people who believe in this will never form lasting relationships. And know what? He's right. People who let go easily are people who will NEVER form lasting relationships. Troubles come, and they give up on the person. I say serve them right for being old lonely useless people next time when they push everybody away 'letting them go' and then nobody bothers with them anymore. - In my case, he is the bad person. Sorry, but I cannot say that he isn't. Before he transferred, he isn't bad, in fact he was VERY good. And then after transferring, everything changed and HE and his mindset changed and he became THE bad person. His reasoning was never coherent, he hurt me intentionally (meaning here is that he know what he does hurts me, he says then he won't hurt me, but he still does it.), and never thought in my favour. I tried my best to do whatever he wanted since I tried to understand that he's in a new environment and may just be having an adjustment phase. But then everything went out of hand on his side and there were no reasons at all that were valid enough to guarantee 'letting go'.
- He forced 'letting go' upon me. I did not want it because there were no problems on HIS side. I've done everything he wanted me to do, reduced meeting times like he requested I do, almost everything I could do, I did for him and his comfort. But he still insists his thoughts upon me that I should 'let go'. This sounds more like a bloody excuse for him to seem like an angel while the whole world knows how much he's hurt me by doing and forcing whatever he wants upon me. 'Letting go' is not something valid all the time, and people like HIM will use it as a pathetic excuse for their own purpose and to neglect others' feelings.
There are many situations where letting go isn't an option. This should be a last resort, NOT an option. And certainly not one anybody should be forcing upon others. When people fight to hold on to you, they actually do care for you and they actually LOVE YOU. What are you doing to the people who keep you close to them when you force them to do what they don't want to?
They aren't even harming you! They're making your life more comfortable, and here you are, strutting your things and forcing them to leave.
Hate people who do that.
So I was sick during the weekend. He made me stay up to 'listen' to him force his way onto me with this letting go thing, even though I was running a fever with no paracetamol (panadol) and my body was aching all over. He made me read his messages even though I said I needed rest.
And the following days, he didn't even bother to ask how I was even though he supposedly treats me 'like a friend'. He, however, had time to nudge me on Draw Something.
How ridiculous can this boy get, seriously.
I'm sure he's being a friend. (sarcastic)
Junk
Umm... There is just so much in me I want to express but can't.
For once, I wished I had a friend I trust enough to sit and listen to me talk about everything for 5 damn hours. A friend who will understand me and stay by my side (and not run away), someone who isn't judgmental about me, and someone who will be on my side in matters.
Right now, just feel like giving up. How many times have I been taken for granted in my entire life. And in the end, it's the person I trusted the most who stabbed me right where it hurts the most. Did to me whatever would shatter me as a person.
I really hate how I worked so hard to save my relationship with Leonard, and he just cooly chucked it like it was nothing to him. It meant the world to me, and he disregarded it... I think I'm kinda hurt. Even the biggest asshole I've seen (sorry if you know who it is and you're the person, but that was how I thought of you after what you've done to me) knew to save the relationship even when I suggested to leave. He at least gave due respect, and showed how much he treasured it even though he abused it several times.
Once again, I'm sorry I'm making comparisons here. But there is no way I am going back to the previous dude, and I was honestly appalled at the current circumstance.
I never felt more unwanted than this, and never felt betrayal that deep ever.
Let me state again okay, Leonard never attempted to save the relationship ever. In fact, after he went to lalaisland, he has been actively trying to get rid of me.
And some of you people out there think like selfish idiots do by saying I deserve being upset like that. Honestly, I freaking treasure my relationship. I'm not fickle, and I just want to have ONE that lasts. I don't give up on my relationship easily because it is never easy for two people to come together, and it should never be easy that you make a decision to end it. If you never attempted to save it, I'd say you're an asshole and karma would get you eventually and it'll hurt thrice as hard in the future.
I did whatever I can, to the extent where my welfare was neglected on his part.
The hurt comes from how much Leonard disrespected all these. And I'm seriously disappointed in him. I didn't want to think of him as an ass. In fact, he was the bestest while he still stayed where I was. But then, after he went over and started on one of his school camps. Everything changed against my favour. And needless to say, that sucks like hell.
And my anger, seriously. I can't even explain it. Just imagine a whole paragraph of expletives if that helps.
For once, I wished I had a friend I trust enough to sit and listen to me talk about everything for 5 damn hours. A friend who will understand me and stay by my side (and not run away), someone who isn't judgmental about me, and someone who will be on my side in matters.
Right now, just feel like giving up. How many times have I been taken for granted in my entire life. And in the end, it's the person I trusted the most who stabbed me right where it hurts the most. Did to me whatever would shatter me as a person.
I really hate how I worked so hard to save my relationship with Leonard, and he just cooly chucked it like it was nothing to him. It meant the world to me, and he disregarded it... I think I'm kinda hurt. Even the biggest asshole I've seen (sorry if you know who it is and you're the person, but that was how I thought of you after what you've done to me) knew to save the relationship even when I suggested to leave. He at least gave due respect, and showed how much he treasured it even though he abused it several times.
Once again, I'm sorry I'm making comparisons here. But there is no way I am going back to the previous dude, and I was honestly appalled at the current circumstance.
I never felt more unwanted than this, and never felt betrayal that deep ever.
Let me state again okay, Leonard never attempted to save the relationship ever. In fact, after he went to lalaisland, he has been actively trying to get rid of me.
And some of you people out there think like selfish idiots do by saying I deserve being upset like that. Honestly, I freaking treasure my relationship. I'm not fickle, and I just want to have ONE that lasts. I don't give up on my relationship easily because it is never easy for two people to come together, and it should never be easy that you make a decision to end it. If you never attempted to save it, I'd say you're an asshole and karma would get you eventually and it'll hurt thrice as hard in the future.
I did whatever I can, to the extent where my welfare was neglected on his part.
The hurt comes from how much Leonard disrespected all these. And I'm seriously disappointed in him. I didn't want to think of him as an ass. In fact, he was the bestest while he still stayed where I was. But then, after he went over and started on one of his school camps. Everything changed against my favour. And needless to say, that sucks like hell.
And my anger, seriously. I can't even explain it. Just imagine a whole paragraph of expletives if that helps.
Trust can be broken
The fragility of friendships.
It can't be explained better than through the past week's experiences.
Because of work, I could very well have lost 3 good friends. Some of them changed, and some of them are behaving very negatively. With regards to that, I have a lot to say, to explain, and the clarify. But there never seemed to be an appropriate time or even opportunity to do that. This is especially true when they are not receptive in the first place, in addition to how everyone expects me to shut up and keep everything to myself.
I guess this would have not happened if in the first place everybody was more receptive and accepting. On my side, we really took in what was being said. But when things needed to be clarified or when a false statement was being presented, there was not once where the other party tried to listen to us speak to better understand. It was told to us that a session like this is for better communications, but from what I see, it wasn't really the case.
When someone gives up in the first place, what we can do now is to actively hold on to what we have. It doesn't help when the other party is so adamant on not cooperating. We always have to play the nice guy because somehow it becomes our responsibility. Disrespect form them starts to kick in and that was enough to shatter whatever friendships were built over the course of one year.
After that, none of them came back to us. Nobody talked, and there was nothing we could do about it. I personally feel disappointed in them, felt like we meant nothing to them. I took it personally because I had once trusted and respected them, and I expected them to behave maturely and thought for the greater good instead of for their own emotions. I wished that a certain someone would rein his emotions in then, and act like his position placed him to be. It wasn't a good thing at all hearing about how you would do whatever pleases you and nobody can stop you.
Then I lost another.
For that, there was no good reason at all. There wasn't a valid reason as to why this person behaved in a certain way that upsetted me to the depths of sadness. It wasn't easy that I had to deal with this every couple of weeks, trying to give it the benefit of doubt and in the process forgoing my own feelings. I wasn't very happy at all. Trust was chipped away over the span of 6 months, and I couldn't fix it when damages came to harm it ever so often.
It was taking up too much of my energy trying to rebuild a trust that was continually being chipped off. And one day, I just couldn't take it anymore.
International Women's Day woke me up. Although not an extreme feminist, but I do believe that women deserve to be treated well and they have whatever rights men have. If I wasn't treated well, then I don't have to put up with it just to placate a guy. If I cared for his feelings, then he should do the same for me. Doing any less would be disrespecting me as a person, and disregarding my feelings. Women are not bitches to be pushed around. They are fully capable of standing on their own.
(Random fact: Humans do not need males for reproduction. Two nuclei from two egg cells (from women!) can be fused together in a lab and implanted. A baby can be made that way.)
It hasn't been an emotionally easy week.
But I thank all my friends who still stood by me at those times of low. Some more than others. At least, I could place my trust in my fellow members and all those random jokes I hear everyday serve to remind me that I am still living a normal life despite being hurt.
It can't be explained better than through the past week's experiences.
Because of work, I could very well have lost 3 good friends. Some of them changed, and some of them are behaving very negatively. With regards to that, I have a lot to say, to explain, and the clarify. But there never seemed to be an appropriate time or even opportunity to do that. This is especially true when they are not receptive in the first place, in addition to how everyone expects me to shut up and keep everything to myself.
I guess this would have not happened if in the first place everybody was more receptive and accepting. On my side, we really took in what was being said. But when things needed to be clarified or when a false statement was being presented, there was not once where the other party tried to listen to us speak to better understand. It was told to us that a session like this is for better communications, but from what I see, it wasn't really the case.
When someone gives up in the first place, what we can do now is to actively hold on to what we have. It doesn't help when the other party is so adamant on not cooperating. We always have to play the nice guy because somehow it becomes our responsibility. Disrespect form them starts to kick in and that was enough to shatter whatever friendships were built over the course of one year.
After that, none of them came back to us. Nobody talked, and there was nothing we could do about it. I personally feel disappointed in them, felt like we meant nothing to them. I took it personally because I had once trusted and respected them, and I expected them to behave maturely and thought for the greater good instead of for their own emotions. I wished that a certain someone would rein his emotions in then, and act like his position placed him to be. It wasn't a good thing at all hearing about how you would do whatever pleases you and nobody can stop you.
Then I lost another.
For that, there was no good reason at all. There wasn't a valid reason as to why this person behaved in a certain way that upsetted me to the depths of sadness. It wasn't easy that I had to deal with this every couple of weeks, trying to give it the benefit of doubt and in the process forgoing my own feelings. I wasn't very happy at all. Trust was chipped away over the span of 6 months, and I couldn't fix it when damages came to harm it ever so often.
It was taking up too much of my energy trying to rebuild a trust that was continually being chipped off. And one day, I just couldn't take it anymore.
International Women's Day woke me up. Although not an extreme feminist, but I do believe that women deserve to be treated well and they have whatever rights men have. If I wasn't treated well, then I don't have to put up with it just to placate a guy. If I cared for his feelings, then he should do the same for me. Doing any less would be disrespecting me as a person, and disregarding my feelings. Women are not bitches to be pushed around. They are fully capable of standing on their own.
(Random fact: Humans do not need males for reproduction. Two nuclei from two egg cells (from women!) can be fused together in a lab and implanted. A baby can be made that way.)
It hasn't been an emotionally easy week.
But I thank all my friends who still stood by me at those times of low. Some more than others. At least, I could place my trust in my fellow members and all those random jokes I hear everyday serve to remind me that I am still living a normal life despite being hurt.
Blogging as a form of relief
In today's busy life, I haven't touched my handwritten diary in a long time. I'm starting to appreciate how my diary had given me much stress relief, and keeping my emotions in check daily. Without this diary, I've been disorganized in thoughts, overly stressed, even feeling lonely.
Sometimes though, I feel like I should give my life more credit than just writing about things that upset me. But a lot of times, I write to rid myself of pent-up frustrations and stresses, and thus end up writing negatively. I guess, it isn't exactly me writing about my life completely.
Writing of this blog does give me some avenue of stress relief, but everytime I post something online like that, I'd have to filter and filter it again to ensure that I won't upset others, or give people a wrong idea about a particular situation. Nowadays, nobody really reads this anyway...
Used to publicize my blog all over but now I don't coz of my position in my school and stuff. Really sensitive stuffs.
I would say, this year is proving to be an interesting year. There lies many challenges ahead and I'm really racing with time. Not to mention, this year I am expecting to spend more than ever due to my summer and exchange programmes. In addition, the stresses of academics, science club, and relationship are not easy to handle.
Recently, I've been through the busiest week ever, comparable to Internal Elections week. With so many documents due for exchange application, 3 midterms, 1 geog assessment, and a project abstract due the next... I really worked and worked and worked. Tired, but I made it through.
The fun times are actually in the lab. Biochemistry hasn't been a very well-received module but I found it alright. Especially since I have my long-term lab partners with me in the same group. I also got to know Fiona better through HTHT sessions when waiting for electrophoresis to complete. She's a really awesome person.
Sometimes I feel like I want to be happy, with the same people around me, and the same circumstances. So many conflicts are going on every single day and I'm not in any position to resolve them at all. I wished for a moment that all these conflicts will be gone, and everyone could be happy with each other. Also because then I wouldn't have to worry about the problems and the people. I'm tired of explaining myself at times, especially to people who can't seem to try to understand at all. Can't we all just give and take a little, and make everyone happy by being satisfied with our less-than-being-very-happy.
Life... what are you doing to me and to us...
Sometimes though, I feel like I should give my life more credit than just writing about things that upset me. But a lot of times, I write to rid myself of pent-up frustrations and stresses, and thus end up writing negatively. I guess, it isn't exactly me writing about my life completely.
Writing of this blog does give me some avenue of stress relief, but everytime I post something online like that, I'd have to filter and filter it again to ensure that I won't upset others, or give people a wrong idea about a particular situation. Nowadays, nobody really reads this anyway...
Used to publicize my blog all over but now I don't coz of my position in my school and stuff. Really sensitive stuffs.
I would say, this year is proving to be an interesting year. There lies many challenges ahead and I'm really racing with time. Not to mention, this year I am expecting to spend more than ever due to my summer and exchange programmes. In addition, the stresses of academics, science club, and relationship are not easy to handle.
Recently, I've been through the busiest week ever, comparable to Internal Elections week. With so many documents due for exchange application, 3 midterms, 1 geog assessment, and a project abstract due the next... I really worked and worked and worked. Tired, but I made it through.
The fun times are actually in the lab. Biochemistry hasn't been a very well-received module but I found it alright. Especially since I have my long-term lab partners with me in the same group. I also got to know Fiona better through HTHT sessions when waiting for electrophoresis to complete. She's a really awesome person.
Sometimes I feel like I want to be happy, with the same people around me, and the same circumstances. So many conflicts are going on every single day and I'm not in any position to resolve them at all. I wished for a moment that all these conflicts will be gone, and everyone could be happy with each other. Also because then I wouldn't have to worry about the problems and the people. I'm tired of explaining myself at times, especially to people who can't seem to try to understand at all. Can't we all just give and take a little, and make everyone happy by being satisfied with our less-than-being-very-happy.
Life... what are you doing to me and to us...