Damn I am such a failure. I tried to make ice cream today but the stupid milk refuses to freeze. Damn you, milk. No wonder my stomace hates you so much. Jerk. Then I tried to make myself a new handphone pouch (Because jun yup didn't get me a new one*) and i ended up wasting a nice amount of cloth. Shit.

Been alone the whole damned day. Time passes like constipation whenever you're suffering. I tried to eat lunch at 12pm, deluding myself that it's lunchtime and time will soon pass. But no, it was still a crawl. Plus, my smses weren't getting any replies. Send, send, send, no reply. I'm at home banging my head against the wall already.

Imagine not having anyone to talk to... for a whole day....

Then mum came home, giving me a fair bit of nagging.

She doesn't really care anymore, nowadays. I don't matter as much to her as i was.

It's as if I ever mattered to anyone. -shrugs-

Then, nobody sacrifices anything for me anymore. Not even my parents.

Dad finds it such a chore to drive me to school. Finds it troublesome to drive me home as well. They don't care how much stuff I have to lug home. They just want me home by a certain time and that's it. And there's nothing at home.

Mum and the stupid books. Mum's getting so stingy nowadays. Just because I got two books, she started nagging at how I'm wasting money. She actually wanted me to pay for the books. Tried to psycho me into returning the books after that, when I really really wanted to keep it.

Have you seen how many books I have at home? Very little. Very, very little. Most of them are academic related, and I swear those are the only books she'll willingly let me keep. And I wanted more books, I really am deprived. And I had to be scolded for that.

She only calmed down a little until I got all emotional on her and said, "Okay. I'll sell my 'Marley & Me' book, you happy now? I'll sell one book for each new book I get, you happy?"

My parents never really saw me crying, though I only cry at home. Not that I want them to see me cry. I wished they would know how I feel. I usually don't cry in public. Unless I'm that upset or devastated.

For those who have seen me cry, you've actually seen the worst periods of my life, so congrats to you. Not like it matters anyway.

They say a girl's tears are the most powerful weapon. Oh wells.

I've cried infront of my boyfriend only once, and he blogged saying, "Emoing in the canteen is a nasty thing to do."
So much for being powerful.

I thought tonight would be better than the daytime... And I couldn't be more wrong than that. Despite having free communication methods, i don't even get to have someone to talk to me properly. Everybody just.... goes away.

I guess nobody really cares about me anymore.

Yes, or maybe they only talk to me when they've got something to boast to me about.

I am probably the most unimportant thing in the world... Even to those whom I thought... loved me.

How my heart aches... for some shelter....

I lost one of my old neopets account coz I couldn't remember the stupid password for the account and then it was so old I forgot things about it. neopets team didn't want to give it to me. Sighs. Oh wells.

Anyway, sorta sad these few days. But I shan't go into it.

PSL camp was fun. Short, but fun, and everybody enjoyed themselves. Maybe except for poor Andrew who got injured and almost went into shock.

I took many many photos. And alot of them were really really funny ones. And Eugene's cam's battery always dies. Quite irritating leh. His camera too pro i guess. Even Energizer died. ENERGIZER LEH.

I absolutely hate sleeping on the floor. My head hurts. For those who didn't know, I have sort of a 'square' head. And i'm not kidding. When you sleep on the floor, I have to turn my head at an uncomfortable angle so that it doesn't hurt. But this way, my neck will hurt in the morning. Hmm. What about turning my body to one side? Better isn't it? Uhhh. NO. My shoulder will be squashed and will hurt. Damn the cube.

One sentence that I'd like to say....

I love my darling Jun Yup!

I'm getting weaker. I feel the pain already, ouch. Stupid pain. Never fails to let me off for a comfortable night.

I am so tired, I wished the world would just stop spinning for me... Haven't been sleeping much lately. I'm losing my concentration, and I think I would have pissed off someone whom I really really really do not want to piss off. Damn.

But anyways, nothing is exactly going my way. Like when you wanna sink your teeth into a really delicious hotdog, and someone has to grab it away from you. Sad. Worse, your boyfriend isn't helping. He's either laughing at your loss, or scolding you for it.

Damn.

What a girl needs now is loads and loads of love. I so wanna be pampered.
And my parents aren't giving me the type I want... =(
And Jun Yup, isn't exactly giving me that either.

Sometimes, I just gotta wipe the tears off my face by myself. But man, I sure wished there was someone who would help me with that.

I wished nobody would find me boring. That people will stop telling me, "I'm bored."
It's as if... I am the boring one, or... You only see me as entertainment in your boredom...

I wished there were those arms to keep me close. Every night, when I go to sleep, I feel nobody around. It's a scary feeling. It's a lonely spirit. My soul would be crying out, if anybody could actually hear it. I wished there would be someone around to see me sleep, those warm hands telling me that I'm not alone.

I wished someone would call me just to give me a smile. Someone who really really loves my name... Someone who would be happy when they see my face. And I would smile back at them too. I really would.

I wished someone would want me to stay. No, there won't be anymore 'goodbye's. Please stay. Please stay because it would hurt, every minute you're away from me...

I wished... I wished someone would give to me willingly. It's so difficult cheering myself on, telling myself that there was a reward after this. When really, I am just working so very hard just to get things back to normal...

I wished someone would pick me up the moment I fall. Someone to ask if I hurt anywhere, even if it's just a minor fall. I really wished it would happen. But whenever I fall, I have to stand up on my own, and tend to my wounds myself. Because nobody cared if I hurt.

Ever wondered how it would feel... If you had cared about someone when he had fallen, tended to his injuries no matter how small they are... And the exact same person just ignores you when you fall because of his actions... No, not even an apology. Let alone a care. Then, when you ask him for some help, you just get told off...

Why?

I really don't know.

I will just.. Keep wishing.

Or is that because I trust in him...

Who.

Who will reach out to me?

I can't believe the amount of fate I have with this person. Well obviously, I won't state the person's name, and to protect this person's gender, instead of he/she, I will use ue. Random alphabet for substitution.

For one, I have so many links that link me up to ue. Not only on the friends' side link, but others as well. Phew. I thought I was mistaken. But no... Lol.

Never really paid much attention to ue, but something weird happened recently that was different about that person. Ue looked quite changed and that's what worries me. So I hope that person is alright though I never really shown any concern towards ue. Makes me feel quite bad. =X

Well anyways, I finished a fiction book within 24 hours! My record time. I never finished reading ANY fiction in 24 hours before. Ever. So I'm actually getting pretty good with these thick books thing. They still look scary though. Yikes.

Erm, yes, been thinking critically about past events.

One of which struck me quite hard because it wasn't supposed to happen, but just because of one person. One fucking sentence, it happened. And it affect us, me, the team. To have been putting in so much effort into brainstorming, planning, preparing, then doing it, just to find out...... Some idiots, because of one, destroyed it. Ruined it. Screwed it up.

Damn those idiots.

At that time, I never blamed that root cause. It didn't even occur to me that the person would be the root cause. Even went around convincing others that it was not that person's fault, but actually it was. Or maybe not directly at fault, coz the root cause wasn't the one (I believe) who had hands on screwing us up. But damn that.

Well, I thought about it again recently. Root cause (let's just call it RC for short) knew it would happen. RC knew. And RC went ahead with it. No, RC didn't care what would happen. RC just wanted it to happen for RC's own crapped aims in mind. RC could even neglect those closest to heart, didn't care. Didn't care what happens to them, what would they feel, how would they feel.

Only recently, I heard from RC, that those closest didn't mean anything special. When RC wants to screw everything up, friends, lovers, RC wouldn't give a shit.

Disappointed. That RC would do such stuff, say such stuff. RC knew how much it will hurt the others, but he wouldn't give a shit. He wouldn't. He didn't care.

I have no appetite anymore. Disgusted by those words.

Well, sure we tried to salvage the aftermath, and to a certain degree, we did.
We just wished the faggots who screwed our plans up get caught and get caned till their buttcheeks get raw.

RC refuses to help solve, and there's no other fucking way.

I will never do such cruel shit.

Yay, I finally got my drawing tablet today! It's a small Bamboo Fun! Looks sooo nice, you know. I got the silver color one, hahas.

So tired after shopping... ZzZZzz

Anyways, I was complaining to Mum today. Coz she asked me who I was smsing. So I was like, "JunYup la! Den who?! You know ah, he never reply me wan lorh..."
Mum says, "Aiyoh. Why?"
I say, "How I know him la...? Maybe he sleep sleep sleep den dun care edi, or maybe ah, he play game, you know...."

And i went on and on about the chalet and the lan gaming.
and mum was so supportive of me getting angry about it. Yeps.

Obviously I was pissed today! I was so super upset last night la...

So I cried myself to sleep again. Durh, that's how YOU would feel if you were neglected in this manner. Ignored, POOF! And when he's returned from his woohoo-oh-so-fun-i-can-forget-you world, he came and seek comfort from me. Obviously I was like, pissed so at first I didn't give a damn, the way he was. Then he was telling me he wants comfort, so i was thinking to myself, "Fine la, take it la, take it. Whatever." Then guess what happened? He ignored me after that.

I cried myself to sleep, and after I slept I had this dream. It was completely dark around me and there was nobody around me. So then I tried to find someone, but to no avail. I got so scared that I woke myself up. Then I started crying again. And crying and crying till I slept. Neglect la! Neglect some more la! Tmd...

Wow, how comforting it is for me. *Bullshit*

So for the past few days, I get ONE freaking reply with every 4 to 5 messages I sent. Congrats to me, I am down to my last 100 smses for the month's limit.
How very nice.

Till now, I'm still DAMN pissed off. Freaking hate people doing that la. It's SOSOSOSOSO rude.

Not to mention, that person is supposed to be at least giving you enough attention.
Sigh...
Shall go play with my bamboo. At least it's more fun than waiting for a reply to your sms/es. And they probably won't come anyway.
Sorries are lies.

BAH stupid lessons and exams going on in school.

Anyways, last Friday I went to watch IronMan with JunYup, Angela, Melanie, Kenneth Cheah, and David (Mel's friend). It was fun during the dinner, we played game to finish all the popcorn, hahas. It's the "Have you ever.." game, and we teamed up, Teams A, B and C. A stood for...err, I forgot. B was for Bimbos, C was for Couple.

My statements started off with everything that has gotta do with JunYup, then they got pissed and banned references to people =( Oh wells, went home at a good time.

Then, a few days later, JunYup had this class chalet thing so I dropped by. It was close to Dad's company holiday bungalow, and the same layout some more. Some memories, hmm. This one has got many cats though.

Not those mew-mew types, mind you. One of them were thin, half-eyeless, and it bloody scratches/attacks you! I tried to chase it away once, and it almost scratched me can! And then Chris tried, and he got almost got scratched as well. Then there was another that kept staring at us. And there was a shy kitty as well. This kitty was FAT i tell you, so chubby. [Sort of reminded me of the Year 1 JunYup] See, perhaps being shy and all has its benefits. Better than the crazy toot that scratches, and the rude one that stares.

I was lucky on Wednesday. I had to go to school early just to hand up the stupid Math file for accreditation, CRAP man. Then I decided to go the Yup's class chalet or something because he originally wanted me to. So i tried calling him (have been calling since 7am or so) until like, I arrived at the gates of the bungalow! He freaking didn't pick up his STUPID phone that was like so close to him, and he didn't even reply my smses. WT* man. He had 19 missed calls! His phone was right there, BESIDE him! How could you not notice a vibrating phone right next to you?!

Oh, and guess what important thing he was doing? He was bloody PLAYING GAMES. That's the worst excuse you can EVER give me for ignoring/neglecting me! Know why? I can play games and reply to other people at the same time, why you can't? So noob.

JunYup, if you ever tell me you DAO me coz you were GAMING again, I WILL PUNISH YOU. In whatever ways I like. No way are you ever going to do that again, I tell you! GRRRR.... And I'm soooooooo tempted to like, tell you about someone else but nvm nvm.

Die, you GAMES that steal my boyfriend's attention away from me! Screw you, man!

Annoyed. Hmph. Good thing JunYup apologised, if not I'll just morph into some demolisher.

Anyway, 2 more days till the 1st Anniversary! And Mothers' Day as well! 2 more days 2 more days!
And, 4 more days till AP chem is over, 6 more days till organic chem exam is over! And many more days till the stupid SAT prep shit will be gone from my schedule! Screw the SAT prep!

I just want everything to, you know, end. So that I can rest. You know, teachers like to say, REST ah? Got. Free time, that's rest. I think that's RUBBISH! You can't rest well knowing there's something to be stressed over! It's like tying a metal ball to a bird! Yes, in a way it can fly, but no it can't fly as well. It isn't really FLYING when you're tied to the ground, ya?

Sighs.

I got a present today! And guess what?! It's handmade! Beat that! =P I know Gel will be like, "Can!!! I bake more food for you!" Hahas, yes Gel~ I love your food! =) And i also know la~ Alot of people out there handmake stuff for me also! So thanks!

MeiMei gave me a handmade ice-cream sticks box today! It's a present for the 1st Anniversary. =) So sweet, don't you think? And then everything is like, so nicely decorated, so nicely done lorh! ^-^ I smile everytime I see it. But can't bring it home tody because it's fragile, so I scared it'll break since I have loads of stuff to bring home today. So.... AHHA! I took picture of it so i can stare at it as much as I want! Yay!

Thanks so much MeiMei~! You cheered me up a significant bit today! *HUGS*

=D

Ah wells.

I decided to put my Darigan Acara up for adoption. I'll miss it, but I think it can find a better family since I seldom play with it or wad... I had it for a long time edi leh! Quite sad right... But haiz... Not treating it well enough so.. Ya... Got people want adopt loh, and I got quite a few applications liao, quite impressed with 2 of them, tough choice....

Shall end here then, nothing much liao. Quote of the week: I love buses. They're like moving air-con stations!

Die, YOU EVIL GAMES!!!

More or less... forgotten.

Ah wells, expected. It's quite sad though, come to think of it. Strange why people forget others while they're having fun.

Nevertheless, they seem to find their way back to you after their source of fun is gone.
Maybe in this case, we're talking about a different kind of fun, similar in the way that only one side has the fun.

So while he's partying his head off with them, I'm like a grey painted neopets, all gloomy and sad. And alone. Coz nobody's talking to me now. And he can't even bother to answer my question.

Fun.
What is.

Sigh... I'm sad.
Sad. And lonely.

I'm seriously getting sick of two things. Chemistry, and School.

They've been making us eat Chemistry for the past few weeks, every single day. I'll gag if they feed me more. Well, actually they will be feeding me more, so yes. There is a two-day break for us to gag all we want, then they make us sit for a mock brain extraction process, before the real thing comes. And they're being extremely encouraging by reminding us all the time, "Get a ****ing 5 for your Chemistry AP OR ELSE!" Wow. Errr, am I supposed to feel confident now?

And the school is seriously, simply put, a boot camp. They were good in the sense that they put school exams first, before the external exams, except one: Organic Chemistry. They pushed it back, and now it's AFTER our APs. Like WTH? Just let Organic Chem be done and over with, can't they?! Instead of dragging it like that, and grouping it with external exams!?!?!?

So what if we aren't doing well for that module, as if any more studying would make us get full marks?! The exam paper is already set, what can you do about it? And we'd be too busy studying for APs anyway!

Chem AP is one 13 May. Organic Chemistry school exam is on 16 May. So in the end, it's just 3 days left for mugging. What's the bloody difference?!

Nuh-uh. It doesn't end there.

After Org. Chem exams are over, on the damned day itself, the school forces us to go for SAT prep lessons. Which are not really useful. And many others think so as well. It stretches all the way till 2 days into our June holidays. [Fortunately, I have a lifesaving PSL camp, which in any case, is more educational and more fun than whatever SAT prep.]

There is totally no break for us, till the June holidays. And if they make IR start in June holidays, there will be virtually no break for us. Congratulations to us, ya?