I wonder what will happen if one day I lose control of myself. Will I be even worse than what I am now? When I feel angry, or sad, I talk to myself. Convice myself that I must not be violent, not to overreact.

But what if I can't do it anymore? Is it really going to be bad? Will anyone love me anymore?

I almost wanted to scream today. I am so sick of a person around me who talks as if that person(TP) was a level higher than all of us. TP talks as if TP wants to threaten us all. TP thinks TP is the best. I'm really getting so sick of it. I get so frustrated and frightened sometimes, and it's really enough.

And TP's counterpart, shan't say who but refer as TPR. TPR is supposed to be equal, to be just. But TPR just isn't being fair. TPR loves some, dislikes the rest. It's even worse than what I had experienced before.

I think I must really stop clinging to some people. I should understand that people change sometimes, after a period of time. There are people who used to never fail to lend me a listening ear... but sometimes I really have to understand that people change, and I can't ask them to hear me out all the time.

I mean, of course there is still a person who will listen to me... But will tht person still hear me out after, let's say, 5 years down the road? It's a painful parting, but I guess we all have to learn to accept it.

We are just playing minor roles in the lives of others.

Today, I feel accomplished because I restudied Organic Chemistry all by myself and I could understand them all! Lol. I also did some of my Bio report. Yeps. Can't believe I studied so much today.

Today, I also feel tired because I follow him all around the school, and he ended up not sticking to the deal. So well anyways, it wasn't that all good today. Got whacked and my thigh got red. Then had to stick to the deal. Which is alright, anyway. I don't see why the deal is so stressful.

Today, I also feel sad because he scolded me. Yada yada yada. He said something mean, and JonJon said, "Walau, you very mean leh." See? Even other people say it's mean. It's time you understood yourself? In front of people, he feels nothing for scolding me. Accomplished, perhaps? And he threatens me all the time infront of people. He stand up, look at me, give me that effu look, and say some mean stuff to me. Like how you scold your doggies, getit?

Today I also feel pissed because I was scolded. Worse still, Jun Yup tossed me kitty witty into the food tray.

I hate today. I hate tomorrow too.
I hate dumb people. I hate being a dog.

Girly mode. On!
Leaning on the pillar, she closed her eyes and imgained. Anything is possible when you close your eyes. Bunnies of different colours hopped around her, kitties rolling and mewing softly as they pranced around in circles, baby giraffes ran dreamily in circles as if riding on clouds...
"You alright?"
"Yea, let's go." She opened her eyes, stood up and walked while pulling the strap of her sling bag over her head onto her shoulder.
Fighter mode. On.

Yes, I've been very emo. Wat? Wait wait... I've just been sad. Yeah. Opening boxes that are supposedly containing my 'presents' but when i open them they're all empty. Sad right?
Or sometimes the person who hands me a box to buy, and promises me that there's the item in there... And then I buy it, open it to check and there's nothing... The person just says, "Oh, pity, then." Sad, right?

Can't believe it.

There are actually people like that on Earth who so enjoy scamming people like that. Worse still, they have no remorse. Like, scamming is their life, man. It doesn't matter if the person scammed were their mom, dad, sis, bro, or their b/gf. As long as they gain something, nobody else matter much to them.

Can't believe I fell to a scam that easily. To think I never really scammed the scammer ever. And then he comes and scam me. Ridiculous, heartless, selfish people on Earth. Oh lord, please just work into the minds of scammers and change their mindsets, please? It's upsetting the poor, honest, loyal people.......

Love was created for happiness, not for gaining trusts for selfish purposes.

Man, one day we should have a tutorial on how to love for the guys out there who think nothing else matters more than themselves.

Throughout this whole week, though many have pissed me off... I only hate ONE. Yes, ONE. And that person happened to be a person.... that.... Is supposed to... lead the school in some sense I guess.

This person, has already been expected to take on a higher form of leadership a year back, and there he has it now. Just that sometimes when people climb too high, they change. And as they get used to the altitudes, they just change more drastically.

Okay, some of you must be thinking of someone... Esp yr 5s. Well, the person I'm talking about.... I can say... He's alright for some, disliked by some, but a few teachers do think highly of him.

What he do? He just confronted me. Yes, he did. And he threw in some ugly comments, then telling me everything's just so wrong about me. What's worse, he did the exact same thing he thought was wrong, and when i mentioned it to him, he said he's right. Well, so if he's always right, then why's he left-handed?! Loser....

You know, those people present at that time, initially was supportive of him. Then I made a comment, and everybody like totally agreed to it. Idiot him. He better drink Dettol next time. Foul mouth.

I think my smiles may be scary at times, when i really want them to be. During the PSGM today, misbehaving kids in the class got it from me. No, not getting punishments from me! All i did was to stand infront of them, nod slowly, and smile. They get so freaked out sometimes that they'll listen to whatever I say.

Like during the game, this guy took a metre rule and started waving it around dangerously. So I took it from him, but he refused to let go. He already opened his eyes. So all I did was to nod and smile, and after he still refused, I raised my index finger and waved 'no-no'. He then gave up and handed it to me. Amazing.

Oh then later we had a talk on suicidal thoughts by the SOS, Samaritans of Singapore. They are supposed to provide financial first-aid. So anyway, the talk was quite contradicting. On one slide, it says stuff that we have to avoid when talking with a person with suicidal thoughts. The things to avoid were really what everybody would do to help. Seriously, it sort of just tells us not to help them or something. Instead, the person suggested that we talk to them sincerely, like, "I am worried as to how you are coping...." Or stuff like that. If I were the suicidal thoughts person, I would just ask the person to screw off, actually. So yea, the next step was then to provide help. Which contradicts the other slide because it tells us to avoid helping. Lol.

Also, there were alot of talking around me and the whole hall was so noisy. I don't mean to be too goody-two-shoes, but I think it's sort of rude. Beside me, a group of people were chatting happily, and quite loudly. Then behind, there are many more people chatting away. So the whole hall was noisy, and I just couldn't take it. I was hoping a teacher would quieten the group beside me. I couldn't concentrate on the talk.

But anyways, after the whole talk was done, we are to proceed to the auditorium for a talk on making sense out of money. Before the talk began, Ms Teh tapped me on my shoulder, giving me a shock. And she asked me what my name was. So I was like thinking, "Oh shit... Did I do anything wrong?!?!" Because I never recalled being a paikia. So I casually replied, "Cassandra. Why?" [Emphasis on the CASS, coz deaf adults always think I'm Sandra.] And she was like telling me that it was good of me not to be affected by the talking going on beside me just now and all. And she's encouraging me. Lol. I was shocked. Probably the first teacher to say such stuff to me. Because in Primary school, teachers ALWAYS think I'm the one talking when there's noise. A really great relief for me. Thanks, Ms Teh!

After that, we went back to the hostel. At the hostel office, Ms Kou was there. She looked at me while I was signing in, with Angela beside me. And she asked, "Hi, what's your name?" And being me, I replied, "Who, me?" She said, "Ya." so i was like, "I'm Cassandra." [Same emphasis] I didn't ask why this time because I just wanted to go upstairs to eat. And we hurriedly left the office, before Gel asked, "Lol. Why are people asking for your name today?"

Hahas, it's just weird why people want to know my name. I'm never anybody of great importance.

So one day my friend offered me some eye candy. I refused. She told me to take just one look at them, not eat them... But I refused. I told her, "Although my candy may not be the sweetest in the whole wide world... But I won't want any other candy. Because to me, my candy is the bestest ever."

So alright. I have a wet blanket around me. I wanna cry manz. He dun wanna tell me anything, wants me to say something new, then tell me it's boring. I'm boring. Like WTF?

Let me try putting it into words. I'm so so so sorry darling, but I have to say this. Here. Now. I mean, seriously! It's not like I want to be boring! You know, you can't take any jokes at all and i have to plan everything I say so carefully? Like if i say something and you say it's offensive, then you scold me later, it's like WTH. Then everything I do seems oh-so-wrong to you.

And sometimes I am so excited about stuff and I tell you about it, it's like... you just seem to tell me that it's no big deal. Like, hell-o, can you at least lend me your listening ear and be at least happy? If you aren't, can't you just pretend to?! Is it that difficult to listen? Sigh.

I can talk to my other friends for like so long and they don't get bored. They don't even pretend to be happy. They are open minded enough for jokes here and there, and they want to listen.

Dude, I just hope you'd listen to me sometimes. Not as in I tell you to do something and you listen and then do. Listen as in, please, just lend me a listening ear and be open.

It's funny how I try so hard to find out what my passion is. I mean, not passion towards people (I know where my passion is in that area, thank you.) but it's in what I do.

Everytime I watch Vids on Youtube, I always say, lol I should try making a few vids. But I never get down to it. The only vid on my Youtube account is a sneak shot of what we did in 2006. Unedited, nothing interesting.

I currently have a video idea, but i really need to get down to doing it. Not just posting it up... But doing edits here and there, adding a few bits. Maybe even talking into the microphone and having a little commentary. Vlogging? That is difficult coz it's so funny talking to a camera. Besides, I don't have any physical appeal. Probably get lots of depressing comments? Lol.

But somehow I still feel like doing it. Maybe after my Math test tomorrow I shall try to do some movie editing? Hope so. >< Then I can post my first official video.

She woke up the minute the purchase was made. "Thank you for shopping here, sir!" Those were the first words she heard. She saw around her, a field of orange. She looked up and saw a huge person. Everything that's up is the sky. So this is what the sky looked like. She thought. As she continued observing the 'sky', a piece of paper fluttered down. Then she felt a huge shove and the field around her seemed to be floating. She went back to her still mode, and rested.

Soon, a huge forced grabbed her roughly. She looked, and saw her supposed new owner. She tried hard not to blink. Then, she was shoved into a box. Except... This box had a plastic feel to it. It was small, and she was bent into a weird position. My ears! she thought. A box was placed at her feet, along with the statue of a pretty dog, and a white little dog, which resembled a wolf. The front of the box was closed with a click, and she was surrounded by darkness.

New kid 'round here? The white dog asked.
I guess so. She thought.
Stop scaring her... The statue said.
Why am I here?
We're on a mission.
You'll see.
Oh.
You're going to like it.
Finally going to see her.
Her?
Your new owner.
Yea, she ain't no beauty.
Shush, you. She's a nice person.
Sorry.
Anyway, she's coming. Stay still.
What? Who?
SHUSH.

The front opened, and a face peered in. The box was removed first, followed by the two dogs. And finally, she was gently taken from the box. My new owner? She thought. The girl smiled, for the first time during her day. She hugged her. The girl took her in her arms, and brought her back to where she will belong.

Now, she no longer sits on the shelves anymore. Her feet and tail were aching from unknowingly sitting on the shelves for long periods of time. And finally, the smile on her face was for real. She loved it. She found 2 friends, and is currently enjoying her life, with the name 'Apple', her older brother Tochi, and a very little sister Peachie. Most importantly, her owner, The Girl.... And the boy that awakened her... The boy called Jun Yup.

Mmhmm. I'm back home. Watched a weird movie but I won't say what it is because it's NC16 and there are people who aren't 16 years old yet here. Nah, saying you're 16 this year does not count if your 16th Birthday isn't over yet. But to be fair, I won't tell you what. It's not porn, don't worry.

So hmm. Just been watching YouTube again. Mean Kitty a.k.a Sparta is so cute! He bites though. So anyway, I've been yelling at someone, just to find him yelling back at me. Guess it's really so difficult to admit your mistakes. I know you may be crappy or something, but I guess there's really a need for you to keep your emotions in check. And you can't expect me to, you know, cheer you up all the time. I still have my own emotions to handle... And there are times where you should learn how to scold the ground.

Apple's sitting around at home. Mum was playing with her in the morning. And now Apple's just lying on the mattress, smiling her day away.

It feels so weird to be 17 this year. You know, when you go around and see people wearing Sec school uniform, you remind yourself, "Oh, wait. I'm older than them." Yea.. It's so weird. I dun even feel JC1 or wadever. Plus, I'm going nowhere with whatever authority I have, seeing how some people make me follow them all the time.

And there are some people who pick on me. Some role model they are. Hate. Jerk. I'd hit you squarely in the face if I was able to. Lousy person.

Oh and I've just met another JERK. I shan't elaborate. That person's just TOO busy feeling full of himself just coz he attained a moment of glory. Know what, I hope that while your nose is up in the air, some bird poops into your nostrils. Get that? Good. Jerk.

Till then, sweet honeys~

Cassie, do this, Thanks. Bye.
Cassie, do that, thanks. Bye.
You call that pretty?
Are you really 16? Not 20+?
Is that really you? O.o
Cheh.
Ya, right, with your face...
1,2, and 3.
3? *looks next door*
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6......
Nah, for you, cassie :)... [Thanks.]
For you too, and you, and you.
*shows Cassie a key* Nah, your Vday present.

I liked the last one the best. Probably the best thing that happened today.
Of course, I'd cheer up. But with my frustration meter so high, and with feelings of sadness... Cheering up only brings me close to the neutral feelings.
I love my little bunnies. Love all equally, because they all are special to me. Tochi, my dear little bunny boy. Yellow and smiley, he never fails to warm me up. Even at night, he sleeps beside me, listening to the whisperings of my heart, and talking to me. Peachie, my very little girl bunny. Never fails to make me smile. She's so small and tiny.... and as yellow as her brother... She reminds me that I am loved. And my new pink bunny. I haven't thought of a name for it, but i love it. It's one of the only things that made me feel happier.

Though it may be such a horrible day, it wasn't that bad in the end. Cheryl's exploding. I'm scared. I look at my rose. The rose that I gave to me. Guess it's really that difficult for someone to show they care. So I'd thought that I'd cheer myself up by getting a nice rose.

Test tomorrow, so I dun really think I'd be that much happier. I... really hate someone today. Just so disappointed, sometimes.

So yes, not exactly in a very great mood. So i shall do some random stuffs. Firstly, a few random quotes in my mind...

"... 伤到人家的感情也不知道的leh..."
-My aunt, when grandma muttered something behind her back.

"真正的美在于心灵的美。"
-What I use for self consolation

That's about it for now... so secondly, just some thoughts, or maybe a couple...

It's so weird how one's perception of another can change just within a second. One second the person's your good friend, and the next second, you just feel this dislike. It's so weird.

Okay, I'm done for this section, so thirdly...

Well, it really doesn't matter what people say to me. I know that I can be nice, and I am nice enough for the society to accept me. If they don't want to accept me then so be it. I still have my family and friends. It's just not nice to be making fun of someone about their physical appearance. It's not funny. You're lucky you're not the first. Or I would have been violent. Also, you're lucky that you were nice to me. Or I would already have shown you my evil side. All those who think they're so damn pretty, go out there, find a few guys and be happy and showy all you want.

So I went to Malaysia for CNY, coz my maternal granny is there, along with my maternal relatives, except for my 3rd uncle's family. I go back there every year, but this year seems so boring. I didn't even bother taking any pictures, and I didn't get to eat the nice nice Roti Prata that we always do.

So anyways, our little Felicia a.k.a TongTong [the latest girl in the family] is a little more grown up and interactive now. Hahas. Bit of a naughty little girl. She threw the oranges all around and alot of them got all squashed! Also, she drilled a hole in one orange using only her tiny little fingers.

Yeps. This time, I was forced to go on a trip to Melaka. Didn't really buy much stuff, except for a bag and a box and a handphone pouch. Then we went to eat chicken rice. The rice came in balls and the chicken was good. Wow. I like that. And the watermelon juice was yummy too.

So the next day, we went home and to Ms Lim's house. She has a nice nice big house. Her kid's bedroom is way cooler than mine, and the master bedroom is damn cool. I want my bed to be on the floor too, next time. Absolutely no empty space under the bed. N, O, NO! Plus, she has a walk-in wardrobe. Cool, right? Her son's really cute. Small guy, but cute. Yep!

After that, went for dinner with Jun Yup and gang at Pastamania. Good food. And funny people we have. They made the residents at Ms Lim's block so pissed coz they pressed all the buttons on the lift! And there was only ONE working lift. Poor people. I had to walk all the way down in my heels, can you believe that?!

Oh wells, guys are just guys. and 08405 jokeballs are just like that.

Mmhmm. So my thoughts are... that I really cannot live without Jun Yup. Yes, yes, I was like... cannot tahan in Malaysia lorh... Every hour check my phone see whether got sms onot... If dun haf den I there being so >.< Yalo!!! Best thing is that he still sms me before I sleep. Calms me down a little. I was so eager to see him when I went to Ms Lim's house! Then when I saw him, it was like... WAH! The whole place seemed so much brighter! (Or is it that Ms Lim's house already super bright?) Lol, but anyways, I was feeling to happy deep down~ Ahh.. the sight of him. ^_^

Firstly, Happy CNY to all my blog readers!

Okay, so I am finally back from reunion dinner. Had to wait freaking long. But it was quite good, plus I got to drink the awesome tea they served.

I LOVE MY UNCLE PATRICK! Woohoo~ He's probably the only uncle who knows what is fun, and he listens, and he tells great stories! His stories are real too lorh! Hehe... He was entertaining me throughout the dinner. Anyway, my uncle Patrick isn't an old uncle kay... He's only slightly after his 30, and he still looks young. Lol.

He always get teased by his wife. Very fun loving couple, but no kids ^_^ They're happy though, and it's cool. Today he told me something about back then when he was a policeman. Lol. Or something like that.

So wells, though I felt a little lighter after the dinner, the stinging feeling still stays. Whenever I think of him, as in Jun Yup, there's this soury feeling in my heart and my eyes start to sting. Duno why, maybe I'm just upset, or just worried la. Coz...He isn't talking to me.

He's sicl, ya, he is. So he's supposed to be 'special'. But he's still up at 12.11 am... Which is sort of weird. His msn status is away, so he's most probably gaming. Gaming in the middle of the night, not talking to me, and sick? Lol. That's funny. He found something more impt. Lol.

I love my swwweeeeet darling~!

Today, I was sad. Well, my dear Jun Yup fell sick so he was on MC, and he couldn't come to school. So that's like... 5 days of not seeing him... And in there, a day of no smses... And if you consider yesterday... I will not see him for 5.5 days. Sigh.... Even though I wanted to be happy during the CNY celebrations, I just couldn't.

There were all these parts where it was really really funny. So I tried laughing as hard as I could. I tried to laugh out loud, and to laugh till I cry. And I did cry, just not laughing till I cried. I just watched, and watched, then I thought of him, then I teared. Thank goodness the Audi was dark then, and Theo couldn't really notice my sad moments.

And I decided not to have lunch today. You see, I had plans to lunch with him after the CNY celebrations. But unfortunately, he's sick, on MC, sleeping, and I can't even meet him. This is just so depressing. You know, this is the umpteenth time my lunch/dinner dates are screwed up. Everytime I so look forward to a meal with my darling, and it wouldn't happen. It just screws up last minute.

I only remember two successful meals. Of course, those meals taken while we're out watchign movies don't count. Sigh. I am just so depressed now. It's so depressing, because when I look forward to something, and it never happens... It just affects me so much. It's like... Sad.

I dunno... Because everytime I'm really sick in school, I will stay till the end of school before making my way home myself. Then, I still have to wait for my parents. Sometimes they don't take me to see a doctor, but sometimes, my mum does. Then the doctor issues an MC, but it will never be used. I will be ushered to school the next day, no matter how I feel. As long as I look presentable, they will send me to school. They only won't send me to school when they touch me and I feel like a toast bread. And that, is rare because I got to be burning to look sick to them.

So no matter what happens, it's off to school I go. But seriously, it makes me feel better in some way. It better than floating around at home, or to sleep the whole day off. Even if I'm at home alone, and I take a drowsy medicine, I will only sleep a max of 1 hour. Then I'm off to float. I don't sleep my day off. If my mum is at home, she'll get me to play computer games to keep me awake. Exercise my brain a little.

So yea. I can usually recover in a day or two, going by my routine. Did I mention, I was sent to school for a day when my parents refused to believe I had chickenpox in Sec 2? Yea, it did happen. Man, how much pain have I gone through... Sigh.

I'm still sad, on this supposedly happy day. I haven't gotten any sms from him since I duno when. He's probably off to sleep again. Sleep his day off like i-duno-how-to-describe. Sweet boy. But... Man, do I miss him. Going off Malaysia tomorrow and I don't get to see him. And I missed my annual lunch-with-someone day. Sweet dreams, then.

So yea, I've found my days, and one more has flown away. 7 days left.

Well, I feel so relieved. And hoping that no furhter damage has been done. Because there are also somethings that I really do not like, and I really really hope that nobody forces me to do so, or psycho me to. Some people may know what I mean.

It doesn't mean that I don't want to do it means I don't trust them or wad okay... It's just that I simply do not like, and really do not want to do. And I also hope that there would be another way to go about doing stuff that gives the same result.

Like, you don't have to take a fixed route to your classroom all the time, there are still different routes. Also, when it's raining and it affects the roue you want to take, it's still the same even if you take a different route...

Sigh... I.... Don't know how to explain how I'm feeling, or thinking. It's just too hard... Too difficult... Too complicated... Stressful to balance, and I have to make it balance, you getit...?

No, I'm not pregnant, what on Earth are you sickos thinking.

It means something else. But I'm afraid I may have to give up these 9 precious days. No, I don't want to, so I shall do what I can. These 9 days mean alot to me because if I don't get them back, I may never have the chance to live again.

So, please, whoever's reading this blog, please help me. Keep me in your prayers so that I may find my 9 days back. Please, do me this one favour... And if you find any clues leading to my 9 days... Please, please contact me. Because one of them dies every 24 hours... And I can't find them by myself. If all of them are dead, so am I.

Please, help me. Anyone. Please. I beg of you.

People fall down then you happy la? Huh? Very funny is it? You think you still standing there means you strong ah? You think you so tall means you're better than everyone arh?

I tell you k, when you laugh at people, other people will curse you from behind! Everytime think you so good like that, walau eh! Your nose is in the air all the time, I hope the bird crap falls into your nostrils or something la! And hope you bang into some object infront coz you keep looking at sky never see infront!

People do what you also want to kacau, then people kacau you then you complain complain complain... Piang eh. Then people do what you also want control.... People do thing never affect you also want to scold... Wth man!

Dun think you're so big and dai sei lorh! You're just freaking rude and ungrateful for the things around you!!!!!!!!!