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So now I have this problem
that won't go away.
A child that runs wild,
and a me that's insane.
He not that big,
but not that small,
but just enough
to cause madness galore.
A me that tries
to settle him down,
he just bites at me,
and licks my blood off.
He screams with delight
when I give him hugs,
then kicks me on the shin,
and say good night.
He runs and he screams,
he jumps and he claws,
and when he's tired,
he sleeps on the floor.
I pick him up
and put him in bed,
he gave an evil grin,
and mumbled 'you're dead!'
Through all these pains,
I still found love,
this wild little child,
will always be mine.

it's 10:59 PM now on Wednesday, January 30, 2008



Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn. Sad. And angry. Depressed. Pissed to the core!

YOU! *grabs u by your ears* SCREAMS!!!!!!! Head to head!!!!

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's 10:04 PM now on



- What..... -
So here I am, blogging yet again about how sad I feel. Just like a wound weakens a person, an emotional wound can paralyze a person. So yea, I can't work like a normal person now. Which is quite sad because there's this conflict on whether I should or should not. Sometimes, it feels like... weird.

It's like, he becomes a totally different person when he's in a different place. Usually, he's... Angry and displeased at everything... Sometimes he even gives me a threatening look. Sometimes, he tells me to shut up. Sometimes, he tells me to go away. Sometimes, he says, "Why don't you ever listen to me?" Sometimes, he just refuses to answer my question and continues being pissed and angry at me.

But when he's at a different place, he....changes. Which is kind of freaky. And kind of.... weird for me. He tells me about his day. He loves saying 'whee!'. He doesn't give me any threatening look. He has those warm eyes. He smiles. He just becomes totally different.

I don't really understand why, and I don't want to make any assumptions here. I know how sick it feels to be misunderstood. But sometimes, misunderstandings are truths that people hide in them.

Amazingly, I still love him. Yes, despite all that drastic change sort of stuff. I'd really like him to be nice and warm most of the time though. Wonder if he ever sees my blog. Maybe he does. But he doesn't really notice that I type that I love him all the time. Coz if he did understand how much I love him, I dun think he'd say 'why not just break up.' or, 'You know what? Just go find a new boyfriend if you think I'm not good enough.'

These stuffs just break my heart la. One thing, I AM NOT THAT CHEAP! I only love one. And the one is he. By asking me to go find a new boyfriend, also suggests how he sees me at. Though it may seem like he's giving me the freedom of choosing... It more strongly suggests how much he treasures me. Hmm.

Oh wells. Not really ready to go back to being happy yet. Just afraid of more heartbreaks. And... ya, just give me sometime...Let my wounds heal... Before I can truly tell you that I am happy. It really doesn't depend on the 'sorry's and apologies and all.. But really, it depends on how you treat me normally. Not in different places, but everywhere. Really.

Okay, wells, you know, I really love you. Sigh. If there's a stronger word to the word 'love', I'd use it. But for now, this should do. Just... do me this one favour, sigh.

Meanwhile, I shall just... Continue being sad.

it's 8:01 PM now on



Untouched letter. I'm sorry it's like that. I appreciate the effort you took. But i won't read it. It's not that I'm being stubborn. It's not that I'm throwing a tantrum. I just don't want to read it. I know I don't want to.

Let me write. Write, please do let me. Read it, think about it, but don't write back. I don't want to read your replies anymore. What really happened when you tore my favourite letter from you? No, not to you, but what happened to me? That letter, warm, and smooth, was always with me. I read it once, twice, or more, but i never get sick of it. Everytime I read it, I gain a new source of strength, to give me the courage to forgive. And to love.

It was torn by you into 32 pieces, discarded into one of the bins in the library. Is it worth that little to you? From then on, the letters you gave me felt cold. Colder than ice in my palms. As I read, I couldn't hear the words. I just couldn't.

it's 3:55 PM now on Tuesday, January 29, 2008



- Made to be hurt -
I feel like crying. My heart is bleeding, My soul is wilting. Yet i can't cry, because cheery little Angela will be affected. I don't want her to worry for me, because only one person should, and it is not her.

You know when you put in so much effort to get to your destination, with visions of your destination being the paradise you're looking for... You think that you put in so much effort, and this effort should pay off... You set off, went on your journey. You gave all you had, whatever you have, you spend it on this journey... Yet when you reach there, all you see is..... Pain. And nothingness. A barren land where people thirst and hunger... You cannot turn back. This is the paradise you've been working so hard for. Your life depends on it. And you can never turn back. Just like you can never turn back time... How do you feel?

Imagine you have a seat. That seat has your name on it, and you are appointed to be seated beside the person who appointed you, as the side wing, somebody of a good amount of importance. But then, everytime some other person comes, you're kicked out of your seat, and another person comes along and sits at your seat, even having attention from the appointing person showered upon that idiot. And you're only allowed to sit when there are no other people entertaining the appointing person. How would you feel?

Or imagine....Imagine if you're.... Me. Imagine, if the person you loved the most, the one you gave so much for, the person you dun mind letting him use you... Imagine if this person showers his attention to the other opposite gender he knows. Imagine seeing this being written by him:
"I feel really really really really really lonely right now.
Miss you. A lot.
Sigh.
I tried so hard, for so long...
Here I am, left in silence.
And I just might give up fighting for my right to live soon if I don't get anything other than despair in my life."
And realising that it ain't meant to be for you. Then, seeing a reply from the other person:
"I'll be with you, in your dreams, if not in mine. Not even a your [text removed] can erase those memories from my head, [text removed]."
If you were me, how would you feel?

Imagine you wrote numerous letters to the one you loved most. But you never get any replies. Your questions are unanswered, and everything returns to normal, as if the letter was never written. You think your sweetie is busy with work. And you understand. "Must be tough," you thought. And you never get any replies. You understood. But only eventually realising... that he was busy... not with his schoolwork... but busy with another letter to another girl. And this letter, was intended to be 20 pages long. (though now 17) Then, how would you feel?

Through all these disappointments, you still loved him. Loved him like these things never happened. "It's alright," you thought, "I still love him. Really, I still do." You tried to be happy for him. You see his smile, and your face lights up. He's happy, and you are too. You hoped things will turn out fine. Because you know you still love him. Yes, you really do. But only to find out later that he isn't appreciative at all for your faithfulness. How would you feel?

You have given all for him. Loved him. Loved him like no other. Love him even if he disappoints you greatly. Love him even if he took your things without your permission, read your private stuff, lied to you for so long. You forgive him. And you still love him.

it's 11:10 PM now on Monday, January 28, 2008



524789205......

What happens when I don't charge my batteries? What happens, really? Then...you can't find me and all and cobwebs grow all around me... then someone throws me into the dumpster....

I running slower, and slower, and slower... My batteries run out faster... They take so long to be recharged... Oh man, what on earth is wrong with me? And the fact that my detector cannot detect where you are.... worries me.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling sad... I review my memories and then create a virtual image of you and I'd try to talk to you, hoping I would get you, and that you'd listen... But somehow, things aren't going well because i still cannot pick up any signals from you.

Boy, I sure want to see you soon. Maybe you'd find out what's wrong with me, and fix it... Because I think... I'm failing... QWR32r I df..af Lo..qwwfVe... Fdfsdfa-Y...savfO..U..#$TFVVCZ..





005274911

it's 11:18 PM now on Sunday, January 27, 2008



- Kid -
I don't really think the title matches this post, but I'm running low on title ideas... Blehh.

So yea, I'm partly sad right now? Yeahh... Coz well, it seems that I'm useless. Just useless.. A nobody? Maybe?

Maybe being a cyborg just isn't good at all. I am just so dead, and everytime something goes wrong I try to fix it but I can't really fix it, you know...Like I'm programmed to, and this causes a stress on my RAM. Then I dun run well and more problems surface. And I dun feel good at all. Because less RAM, my emotion programme sets me to stress mode, and causes me to be unhappy and function abnormally.

My gosh. Someday I need a system defragmentation. Or maybe just wait for the time when my emotion programme finds the correct conditions to set my emotions back to normal. Which is actually when I fuction normally.

I think of the days when you gave me a larger shell. But apprently, it wasn't as tall as I wanted. You installed the x-programme, which till this day I'm not sure how it works for me. It's just that after you did, I suddenly could feel a strong feeling towards someone! It's great. Really. Thanks so much.

Then there were the times you oiled my joints so that my battery runs longer. The effect was... amazing, I tell you. And as I had new shells, you would add an extra something that makes my life as a cyborg easier. Little solar panels, so I can absorb some energy during the day. Softer covering, so I won't feel hard to others. A temperature sensor, so I can feel what cold and hot feels like....And so much more...

There were times I feel like I'm not talented in anyway. Afterall, I am just a programme. Maybe I'm not. But you helped. You don't need me to be talented. To show me how good I am, you disabled the transfer text function in me. I could not read and let words appear on screen through my USB port. I could only type. At first I wasn't used to it. Talking to friends through MSN seemed tougher. Indeed it was. But I learnt and strived. And I can type so well now that I don't need any transfer text option.

You rock.

005274911 to 524789205 :)

it's 10:59 PM now on Saturday, January 26, 2008



-Thirstday-
Ok, once again, the title has nothing to go with this post.

Lol.

Yesterday was fun! We had House meeting, and Nobel was wayyyyy crazy. We have Nat as our captain, Aaron Tay and Joseph as out vice captains, and Joshua Tan Kuan for our secretary/treasurer. Ryan was sabo-ed to be the A-div representative, so lol yea. Nat gave us all a tutorial on how to change shirts without exposing urself... Funny seeing the people doing it on the spot. Then, we had the house banner, which was funny! There was this dragon without legs, and the word "NOBEL". And in the middle of the O, there was a slash across it, and a bell in the middle. Put it together, and you form Nobel! No bell, get it? Lol.

Oh, and Jun Yup sprained his ankle again. Yes, again. He sprained it last Friday, and now another time. Man.... if your ankle is healing, DON'T go play sports la!!! And if anybody forces you to, just tell them firmly, NO. Not that difficult.

But anyways, hope he gets well soon. He's been hobbling around the school today. A bandange of his ankle, hah. That gotta hurt nuts. Oh by the way, he got his Ic today, lol.

So fast, the week gonna end soon. Hope that the weekend would be enjoyable! Woohoo! And sigh, i missed so many chances of the neopets Lab Ray!!! I'm gonna get my dad to zap it for me! GRR!!!

You know that idiot woman? Okay, let's just give her a fancy name, so i dun have to type idiot idiot idiot over and over again like i just did. We shall nickname her... Mohu. That was completely random, so dun ask me why i gave her that. Well, Mohu is an ass. She make life so difficult for us. Curse her.

it's 11:01 AM now on Thursday, January 24, 2008



-Ash-
No, the title has nothing to do with this post. Thank you. I suspect a few flames following this, so yea. Close ur eyes when you see stuff you don't want to read.

AH! You know, I am super pissed now??!?! You know today, after English, Gel and I were discussing the letter from Birmingham Jail. It is a letter written by the ever famous Martin Luther King Jr. and it is freaking long. So I asked Gel...

"Gel, that guy wrote such a long letter...Man, he must be angry when he wrote it... or sad...."
Gel says:
"Hmm...I think he's more of disappointed ba...."
I say:
"Oh...Ya, why haven't I thought of that... People usually write longer letters when they're upset... hmm"


Which brings me to think. Why did I write such a long letter today, even if I'm not expecting ANY reply? *smacks the damn photo* I feel like an idiot. I dun even know WHY THE HELL did I write it.

Or maybe I do know....

Perhaps I just wanted him to know how I feel (Obviously not working). He wants me to confide in him, so yea, I did. Obviously it isn't working, because now he so full of fighting a war and completing his 20 page letter to another cherry blossom somewhere weird, and someone I dunno.

He wanted to make me jealous by posting stuff on his blog about it. Can you believe that, people? He actually wanted to TEST me. But either way, no matter how I react... It's still wrong. If I get jealous, he scolds me, and we argue. Then, if I dun get jealous, he says I don't care, and we argue. So yea, either way, he's seeding a tree of arguments, right?

Tsk. Tsk. How sad. I dun even do such hurtful stuff to him, and he has no qualms about doing it to me. And to add on, he gets pissed at whatever I do. But see, he doesn't get that happy when I do something special. As long as it doesn't get into his way, then yea, he just doesn't care. once it does, then he quarrels. And argues. Like WatTheSai?

No, I dun even know why I'm being so mean to him now. Or maybe that's because HE is being mean to me now. Probably feel so accomplished by making me jealous. Maybe it isn't. It's just he doesn't want to listen so I'm putting my thoughts here.

You know how freaking annoying when you try to talk to someone and he has his nose up in the air? And they go like, "Ya, so?" Like, you know, you're a servant and they're the king or something. I'd be patient, but patience has its limits. So please, before you get kicked on ur balls, learn how to bend down to hear those you assume are of lower importance than you are. They are the people who serve you, and you should do your best for them.

it's 11:07 PM now on Tuesday, January 22, 2008



-The ultimate piss off-
Two things that piss me off. People that are actively chatting with me on msn, suddenly signing off without informing me. And that stupid woman who seems to not understand BASIC courtesy.

People who suddenly sign off while talking to me. It's plain annoying. Imagine you're having an engaging chat with someone on msn, then the dude just signs off suddenly. Can't even finish the convo off properly. At least when you're going off, just tell me oh, that you have to go... At least wait for me to acknowledge it right... I'd probably have a final point to make before going off, and you just totally cut me off like that... Like what the hell la. Even if ur AFKing, or going off to shower, at least tell me PROPERLY before going off la! What's the problem man!!

Maybe sometimes you need to go off urgently, that's fine. But don't make it a habit la! At least sms me that you have to go off urgently! The ultimate pissoff is when someone like accuses you of something, then just log off like that. You can't even explain the situation, and then they like get angry over it for a full night?! Just to find out, the next day, when I explain, that they misunderstood the situation. It's irritating, okay? To just sign off like that, not to mention rude. If the convo was dormant, then it's okay. Just don't do it with an active convo.

Another thing is this hostel teacher, who I shan't name. Because she's an arse. She's the same idiot who booked me for gaming. Damn her. You know, last week, she opened our room door without knocking. What's worse, she wore her shoes into the room, and walked to the other room through the toilet, with her fragging shoes on. Then she exited through the other door. Idiot.

Talk about being considerate to others! Angela just mopped the floor earlier in the day, and she was kind enough to walk into the room with her SHOES on! So we pasted a post it that says "Please knock before entering, and leave your footwear OUTSIDE the room. Thank you." And Cheryl and Caitlin pasted an A4 paper saying the same thing, except with added features.

Too bad, it didn't work. She just walked in like that AGAIN. So rude. We feel like reporting her to FriedRice. He's getting a little more caring nowadays. And if u think FriedRice was bad... That woman is a whole lot worse.

I hate her. So much.


Ahh, so I've told you all what pisses me off definitely, so AVOID DOING SO! Or you'll face the wrath of me. Yea right. You'll most probably be whooted, though.

it's 9:16 PM now on



-Congratulations! You have...-
Apologies for this late congratulations, but CONGRATULATIONS Jun Yup upon being promoted to Vice President of Gamelan! Woohoo~ *throws confetti* Let the feast begin. And oh yea, also to Aaron Ong for (still) being the President of Gamelan! And also... This party goes to all Gamelan ensemble members~~~

Okay, while ya all grab a snack or two and get urself comfortable, I shall write my blog entry for today. Well, today's a good day, with lessons ending at 9am. We had Math Quiz today, but it wasn't TOO bad. Yep.

*grabs a cup of juice*Theodore and Vanessa like, planned a Pizza outing today. But we couldn't leave school before 1pm, so we waited till 1pm, then Gel and I went downstairs to wait for the rest of the ppl.

Soon, Michelle, Pamela, Charmaine, and Vanessa came down and we sat there waiting for Theo. WeiYing passed by and we just chatted for awhile... Then, Theo and Aaron came down. Aaron had something on, so the gals and Theo went to Clementi Central first. We took a bus, went to Clementi, went to Pizza Hut, and ate pizza. Theo, Nes, Gel and I ate the 4 ppl student set pizza thingo, while the rest ate something else.

Then we went NTUC to buy groceries. The gusy were holding stuff for us. Then walked all the way back, when we were caught in the rain. BAH! Then back at sch, yup

it's 8:24 PM now on Monday, January 21, 2008



-Happy or sad? Nah, sad.-
Fridays are always nice, because I get to go home. Happy times. But then obviously, for the past few weeks, I'm always crying every Friday. No, no...Not feel so touched till I cry. Is... Feel so depressed till I cry. Nay....ya, coz of one person.

ANGELA KWAN you lucky lucky LUCKY girl!! Man, you're always so lucky...Apart from the hi-hi guy, that is. But ur even luckier on the point that you have things to reply to. I never de. Sad right... Everytime I write letter, nobody reply de... Very sad. Not like you lorh! You write, got ppl reply, den you reply, den he reply... Wah... Jealous lorh. You lucky lorh. Not like me. Eeyer. I feel so sad. Mei2 ren2 li2 wo3 de!

And sumore horh, it's not the person no time lorh... He's busy writing a novel for another chic. Not like I'm one anyway, so ya, I guess it's 'chic', not 'another chic'. While the rice sack just sits there. Oh and when I say novel, I don't mean a story. It's a... really really long letter. That is so long, it actually becomes a novel. Or Gel, that 'letter from Birmingham Jail' Ms Clara Kong told us to read. I doubt the Birmingham Jail letter isn't even that long.

So sad right. So Gel, treasure all your letters, your replies! Man, it's so hard to think of what to write most of the time... Especially when there are no questions or points to refer to. Gel.... Why you always get all the goooooood stuff wan...! And alright alright, I'll protect you from that hi-hi guy...And if he says anything about 'BLACK BLACK' again... I'm going to whoot him until he really gets BLACK BLACK around his eyes.

So yea, I'm just feeling blue, and down...Not to mention that my back's getting WORSE. And since I have no replies at all, I'm back to talking to myself to console myself and convince myself that there's actually someone replying. To my words. And that person is me. Come to think of it, I never get my questions answered too! Because letter consist of questions, and replies to questions. But i dun get any.... Tee-dot-tee... Lonely. Not to mention, ignored. And... never mind. I type more, I wrong more. Sigh.

gee...I even wrote nice passages about how much I cherish, but in the end they all turn to waste. How sad it is... Not even... appreciated. I'm sad. Crying. Really.

it's 10:34 PM now on Friday, January 18, 2008



-Oh joy. Or not-
So yay ppl, I got into gamelan. Finally. I would have been more enthusiastic if you know... things between two people are flowing smooth. Yes, but nonetheless I am still very happy about the thought of being a Gamelan member.

Yes, though they aren't really a very efficient group of people in terms of discussions, but I really look forward to being part of them. It's a totally new experience for me, and after hearing so much interesting stuff from friends who are Gamelan members, I really think I'm going to like my time there.

However, it may not be a good, especially since things between us aren't really that settled yet. There are really some things that are going to require a little more time, and I really hope things between us turn out fine. Yes, I really hope so. Meanwhile, I will be patient and not lose my temper. If I lose my temper, or become so upset, a cut goes on my left arm. Yep, this will help me to focus on being patient.

Another thing is that, there's this guy in my class that got into Gamelan as well. And this guy, well, he enjoys poking me. I don't know why. I don't like him poking me but he still does anyway. This part is probably going to get my bf angry, but still, I didn't ask for HIM to poke me, okay? It's his problem, and I have reminded him many times not to poke me.

As for the guy who got into Gamelan, you dare harass me in Gamelan and I'll kick you. Real hard on ur arse. If not on your balls. And I'll make you fly all the way to Disneyland. So stop poking me!

Well, I am not a flirt, okay? To my bf, I must say I am really sorry for all that. Even for shouting at you at times. but I do seek your cooperation in stopping the argument cycle. It just keeps going the same way, and we must find a way to get out of this neverending arguments. And also, please, you must have faith in me. I am not feeling any bgr feelings for anyone around me, except you. I am telling the truth. So if that irritating guy-from-my-class comes harassing me. I do hope you'll come over and tell him off too, if my warnings do not work. It does not help in the relationship if you are constantly thinking that I'm being unfaithful. I seek for your help, and also that we can have loads of fun time during Gamelan sessions.

Thank you. I am looking forward to Gamelan, and the rest of my 2 years in it. I hope that it can be beneficial for my bf and I, since I am now able to understand him better.

it's 10:42 AM now on Thursday, January 17, 2008



-A gruelling day-
I hate my life. Get me out of here, now. I don't want to live any longer.

it's 10:01 PM now on Tuesday, January 15, 2008



-The world is seriously sick of me-
The world IS sick of me! Nobody's ever satisfied with me. Nobody around me is happy. Nobody takes pride in me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody even bloody asknowledges my existance!

Discredited. Something I should seriously get used to, or I shall just terminate myself once and for all, so that I don't have to suffer this much. Everytime I do something, there is no chance anybody will take notice of me or my contributions even if my suggestions are actually what they are doing. I hate this.

Some people just think I'm an unimportant person, anywhere. Even if I see someone in need of help, and I go over to help, the person never notices me after i helped. They just forgot me, like.... I don't exist.

Somehow, I can't seem to make people happy, or even satisfied. Some random dude out there has something against me, and another person suddenly turns cold, and another starts being angry with me without telling me why... All sorts of stuff. Then sone person comes along and starts singing praise, but if u listen hard enough, everything in their sentences is just telling me how disgusting I am, and how I am not welcome on Earth.

No matter how nice I am, people are just thinking I'm some Pai Kia. Some gangster, some rowdy kid, or some person who deserves to die, or a person that is good for nothing. And in order not to have people dissatisfied with me, or have people who think I'm just an idiot... I don't sit with people when I'm sad. They'll most probably think I deserved it anyway.

That's how I am feeling today. Ultimately useless. Look, even people close to me don't treasure me. People close to me aren't caring about my feelings. People close to me are angry and pissed and dissatisfied with me. Maybe I should be gone for good.

it's 7:58 PM now on



-hostel = hell = assed hotel-
Today, I have only 1 lesson to attend, so school ends at 9am for me. And as all boarders do (as if I want to be one.), I went back to the hostel room. Yes, the silly, prison cell-like hostel room. And all I did was to slack. And stone.

So after slacking and stoning like what I got used to, I got down to sch for some errands, after which i went back again. I slept from like 12 to 3.30 or somewhere ard that time. So after stoning yet again, and doing all my homework, I decided to use the comp at about 4.10pm.

I just only started up the offline, mario-like, 3 yr old games that cannot be considered a game, merely just a stress buster, or a time filler. And during that short 5 minutes, some idiot had to knock on my door and come in for room check. Damn myself for not shutting my stupid comp, and damn HER for choosing this fucking moment to come in. Really. This is freaking like, worse than hell, come to think of it.

And it's not like I have any homework to do, or whatever. So she knocked on the door, I even had the courtesy of going up to the door, wiping the floor dry, then opening it nicely for her. Of course, with the music from my comp. She gave me one of the boarding people smiles, that is supposed to show that "WE CARE!" But they actually mean, "We're here to kill. Your. Time. And hang you upside down." Then she was like, "Check room~~~~~~~ *stares* playing game, huh? What's your name?"

I politely told her my name and she was like getting all serious and all I wanted to like throw water on the floor so she can 'get out of my sight' for like a few seconds, in which I can do loads of stuff. Assholes of teachers. All FriedRice's minions, out to spread the fattism and the oh-so-arrogant crap.

So she took down my disgusting name and warned me like oh, next time I'm gonna confiscate ur comp. You know, like thanks, for boring me out from 9 to i duno what time i have left in hostel. THANKS! Do you sense the effing sarcasm? No? Must be the FriedRice getting to you.

You know one stupid thing about all these? Like all commonsensical people, I flipped through the boarder's handbook and look what i noticed! The only part where they wrote no comp games is during study time. That's all. Is it study time now? NO! After sch hours? DURH. So? What am I charged for? It's not written in there, hello?!?! And all u guys have been talking about is no comp games during study time!

These FriedRice minions have been manipulating us like some criminals. First, putting up magnetic locks everywhere we go. Then, they put name tags on our doors. Now, they want us to study like nuts and not game? Ehh, come on la! Even my parents let me play! Damn the hostel and their elite force. Damn the hostel handbook. And damn them for creating rules and not putting it in white and black. Now i got charged for something I didn't know. And charged for something that could save me from stoning and being a social exile. It's all thanks to this bloody hell of a place called the hostel, where all of us were forcefully shoved into.

it's 4:20 PM now on Monday, January 14, 2008



PMS, not me. Someone else.
You know, suddenly, I just feel like, wow I have a more valid reason to be angry. But I'm not. Besides, I heard that your body creates toxins when you're angry. And in other words, everytime ur being angry, you're just poisoning yourself, to death.

I haven't been really angry for quite some time. A few peaks here and there, but that's it. I've never really been ultimately angry at anyone or anything recently. There are only times when I'm upset. Still, that's poisoning myself.

Ah, but anyways. It doesn't help when you feel jealous anyway. Okay, but I had the right to be jealous okay... Who actually enjoys being placed on the shelf anyway? And who the hell likes to be implied as a less shiny star, while being informed about a huge bright blinding star? Ah wells. What to do...

it's 6:28 PM now on Sunday, January 13, 2008



Shine
Shine, my little one, shine.
Shine in the darkness, shine everywhere you go.
Spread the warmth, and the light.
Shine, my little one, shine.

Shine in the warmth of spring,
Shine in the coldness of winter.
Shine every season, every year.
Shine, my little one, shine.

Shine as you walk in the day,
Shine as you sleep in the night.
Shine every minute, shine every second.
Shine, my little one, shine.

You're just a little sparkle of light,
only shining through the night.
Look at the sun, the big glorious one,
one source of light nobody can miss.

Look at the moon, so huge without it's own light.
Still it shines, and nobody misses it.
Reflecting light from the sun,
nobody misses it in the darkness of the night.

Little sparkle, little sparkle,
Time is running out.
Soon you'll get so small...
Nobody sees you anymore.

Like me.

it's 11:28 PM now on Saturday, January 12, 2008



Credit, no credit
Aww... Doesn't it happen all the time to this dumb gal? Doing something, but no credit claimed? Yea, yea, let her be part of it and then leave her name out at the end. Just great. Phoooey.

This is not the first time I'm not credited for what I've done. And definitely not the last. If there isn't a picture up there with me in it, you all are gonna be so screwed. You and your little people. I definitely did more than some other people in the group. I can prove it to you. So if you unappreciative idiots dare discredit me, you all are gonna be screwed.


This brings me back to last year, where I did loads of stuff for 2+2 advert. And know what, at the end of the whole thing, the teacher freaking forgot whatever I did. Let me tell you what happened.
Teacher: ...And of course, the people who did the announcements, Aaron, Mitchell, and MayFong. We thank them for their efforts...
Aaron, Mitchell, MayFong: And Cassandra...
Teacher: Oh, yes.. So we thank them, ya... For the announcements for 2+2 day, Aaron, Mitchell, and MayFong. [Drones on about other aspects.]

What the hell. Just great.

it's 2:23 PM now on



-Boring yet eventful-
Back at home. Only able to go home at 8.30 pm today, coz of a series of talks that we are expected to attend, for the year 5s and our parents. It was extremely boring, because for the after dinner talks, they were talking about subject specialization. We, the year 5s, have heard it for the 4th time already!


Well, overall a smooth day. I finally went for the Molecular Frontiers Symposium, and I don't regret going. Though got really tired halfway. Got a nice folder with some stuff in it, and a nice tag, saying, "NUS High School of Math and Science [Delegate]"


I didn't eat lunch today, because after symposium, we got back to school for Biochem lesson, till 2.15pm. Then right after that, I have a meeting with a teacher... There goes my lunch. Sat in one of the meeting rooms in the staff room with Jun Yup to fill out a form, which is actually a Situation Report or something like that. And that is due to a case in school, which I do not wish to go into detail.


After that was done, Ms Koh spotted me outside the staff room, and informed me that someone might be having trouble moving the 4 boards. So we both went up to check, and found nothing there. So we just waited for them to arrive at the hall. No food. Sigh. Shudder called a meeting for all gamelan members in the canteen, so followed Jun Yup down to the canteen. The dumbest thing I've done is to get Mocha Breeze. I didn't really like coffee, but just got it coz well, it was cheaper today. Stupid. It caused my stomach to rebel.


Had to go up to audi for talk at 4.25pm. And that's when all the boring stuff happened. First talk ended at 6pm, went down the canteen to get dinner. Almost fainted halfway. Damn. And that was the end of all interesting things...

it's 10:04 PM now on Friday, January 11, 2008



-The right and whatnot-
Things have not been going well at all. I know what happened today. But what troubles me is not what happened, it's of him.


I've been telling everyone that talks to me abt it and asked, that he is not at fault. I told them I'd bet with my life that it was not a work of his. I made sure they got the point that it wasn't his fault.


Yet, though it sounds all nice, he still scolded me, that I didn't trust him whatsoever... That i lied, or I betrayed him... Really. I didn't thought I did. Even if he thinks I did, then I didn't mean to. In the first place I did not do anything with the intention of screwing him up. None. I trust him. He is innocent.


Adhering to my promises, I didn't want to hit him, nor struggle too much. I didn't want to talk much, I'm afraid I would say something wrongly, or I would misinterpret his words. I really didn't want any more trouble. I freaking do not want this relationship to be at risk.


Lionheart, please, help me. Give me the trust that I need, and give him the truth to take. I'm begging you for ur help.

it's 7:39 PM now on Thursday, January 10, 2008



-The night seems more lonely-
Sitting at my desk, looking at the photograph just beside the computer. Those two people seemed so far away, so unrecognisable. Who are they? What are they doing? One candles, two, candles... A few more. One by one, they go out...

Just imagine. Well, if you love someone, you'd do almost anything for that someone. If they give positive feedback, good for you. If they don't, it will feel like your power has been gradually escaping from your mortal body...

Are looks really all that matter? Just because someone isn't a beauty paegent winner, doesn't mean she's un-lovable. In fact, those that are left behind, are the truly faithful ones. They understand how difficult it is to actually sustain a relationship, and they'll put in alot alot more effort than those chio bus out there, into loving the other party. All the chio bus do are to go around searching for hotter n hotter guys, and they never fully devote themselves.

Just because someone doesn't talk in poems, or doesn't think like a poet, doesn't mean she's dumb, useless, or stupid. It just means so much more. They stop thinking like a great person, humbling themselves, and devote themselves to loving the other party.

It's always a girls' dream to be pretty, to be loved and to be cherished as a person, not as a slave, not as a maid, not as a toy, and not as a pornstar. But every girl is pretty in her very own way, sometimes not in the expectations of the appearance 100% guy. It is not that a girl does not want to be pretty. Everybody who studies Biology will know that looks are passed down from the parents to the child. It is not the child that chooses the appearance of themselves.

For a person to try so hard to sustain a relationship, giving all that she had, and doing all that she will allow herself to, takes alot of courage, will, and understanding. If at that stage, the other person tells you, "I'm sorry, you're not pretty, not a deep thinker, not anything that I want. You're practically of no use to me. Unfortunately, all these matter to me. You don't satisfy them." Can you imagine how that person will feel?

No, there shouldn't be any elitism in the relationship. But there's always one that does not allow the other to dominate. Somehow, I feel that the rights should be spread out evenly. It should not always be the guy who calls the shots, to demand things to be done, or wadever. It should also not always be the girl who demands stuff. At least, share the rights, so that both will have a chance to feel respected. Girls, though some are humble, should not always be the ones bending down.

Looking at that picture brings tears to my eyes. Somehow, I feel happy, that I've had that moment captured. I feel the warmth, the brightness, and the cheerfulness. And on the other hand, I cried. When will there ever be such a moment again? Will they still stay like that, so close, so happy?

No, I'd never give up. Not when I've given almost everything. Love is just so wonderful. It gives you enough motivation to carry on, no matter how tough the terrain is. Even if I'm bleeding from top to bottom, the power of Love will always be there, supporting me, encouraging me to go on. It is telling me, "Go, it's yours to earn/fix/keep. Nobody can ever stop you."

And this will probably be the most lonely night in the hostel. Because there's nobody thinking about me, even as I sleep. Only me. Thinking of him. And fixing the damages. And reflecting upon my actions.

Goodnight, my sweet.

it's 11:34 PM now on Monday, January 7, 2008



.Hostel.
So once again, I am in the hostel. A new week is starting soon. I think the teachers heard our complains. They decided to change the timetables abit. I also realised that my whole main timetable is super slack. On Thursday, I only have 15 minutes of mentoring at the start, then English somewhere in the afternoon. See how slack? Pfft.

it's 11:14 PM now on Sunday, January 6, 2008



I am so not happy in 2008. The sign of more blogging shows this. 4th day into school and i've duno cried how many times. So many times that someone even considers it to be unserious already. Little does he know what I'm crying about and who I am crying for... Not that he wants to know, not that he wants to care or anything...


I'm just at this maximum point now, and pressing it down as much as possible before it gets out of hand and I break down. He's not helping either. He repeatedly tells me things that will cause me to be more and more hurt, more and more upset. It's not as if I'm longing to be treated this way, it's not as if i want to be this way. He made me to be this way, but thinks it's perfectly fine for me.


I just want to set things right so that the road will be easier for me to walk on. He's not helping either. I first want to set my relationship going in the right direction. So that I won't be too stressed because of it. If it is going in the right direction, it could be a place where I can find warmth amongst the harsh conditions this year, the workload, commitments, and boarding. He's not helping. He talks to me using harsh words. He doesn't show any concern, and he blames me for neglecting him. But it all ends up in a cycle. When i try to not neglect him, he will show me his attitude, and then I will be sad. When I'm sad, I can't entertain him, in fear of being hurt by his words once more. And by doing so, he will say that I'm neglecting him.


I don't know how to explain to him. Can't he just be nice? When I say i feel like dropping out of school, he said, "Then drop out. Be a complaining auntie on the streets. You're well suited for the job." Who the hell thinks this is perfectly fine for my mind? Especially coming from someone that you love?

it's 12:37 PM now on Saturday, January 5, 2008



I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where I've done wrong. I don't know why he says I'm showing him attitude when I'm really not. I don't know why I'm the one who is said to be taking him for granted. I don't know why he says I don't care about him. I don't know why I can never get him to be happy. I don't know how to solve these problems.


Being in the hostel with activities right up till 8.30pm isn't helping me. And he saying weird stuff to me isn't helping either. Everytime he gives me a hurtful answer, I stab myself once. It's only been 3 days since school started, and I am dying inside. I am trying very hard, struggling, to balance everything. With the orientation, I have to try to get the unenthusiastic people to be enthusiastic. And also to keep the spirit in those who participate actively. At any one time, I'm in charge of so many things. Unity activity requires alot of commitment. I am also attached as snr PSL to 307. Then on the last day, I was Food I/C. I have to run everywhere... And I'm really busy. Especially Unity.


Sharing with you an incident... I was told to go over to someone, so i went over. But after going over and taking some of the attitude and insults, I was told to go away. I did so obediently, only nicely requesting him not to say that again. No, but he didn't want to listen nicely. He just said "No. GO AWAY." Obviously, during that instant, I almost cried. But i smiled and walked away.


Somehow, I've been branded as a mean person for these short three days. Everytime i really felt like crying, I couldn't. I had to be strong for those around me. The greatest hurt came from the person I loved. He wasn't exactly talking in a nice, normal way for these days. But i still cared, I worried for him ever more than myself. I worry if he has taken his meals, if he's alright anywhere... What he's doing and all... Yet, with the stress of the damned hostel, I couldn't really care less! And i ask a question, I get a considerably hurtful reply.


I can tell you, there are already people who are crying. The year 5s. I wanted to. But i must be strong for them. What I'm experiencing, adding on to the stress of an SL, and the stress of a jailbird hostel schedule, is enough to drive a person to consider suicide. I want to just cut myself over and over with my hostel key. I know how sharp it is. And i now see it as a way to get myself out of this corrupted world.


To tell the truth, I've never felt so suicidal in my life. Until now. It's really hard if someone you love is treating you in this manner. It hurts to know that the only person you can turn to, to feel the love that you lack from your family, is treating you in this way. I'm trying my best to make him happy, as much as possible since I can't live up to his expectations. I'm trying to make up for the times I'm not talking to him. I really want him to be happy, so I can. He is the one I can turn to, and I trust him. It's how he responds to me that hurt me the most.


You know, it's like this feeling where there's something non-existant stuck in your throat and you can miraculously hold your breath for more than a minute? It's the choking feeling, that suffocating feeling you feel when you try so hard just to see matters going downhill faster than you can push it uphill. Yes. But. Although he treats me in this hurtful way, I still... want to love him.

it's 11:43 PM now on Friday, January 4, 2008



Lol, sorry to the people who are worrying about me.. Hahas, I'm fine. I'm in hostel that's why. Oh, or as Mr Png (Or Pang, as how Ms Teh calls him) says, it's BOARDING SCHOOL. Gee, seriously, they think we have all the time with them. Well, maybe we do, but hey!! We need our own time!!! We can't be doing activities for a whole day...


But that's what they're doing now. We're too busy for anything else. I don't even have any proper time to spend with him now! Not even sit down and have a good chat. Now's orientation, and I have to run around everywhere whenever some hostel thing appears. But i gave up, we gave up. The SLs, sought special permissions to be exempted from hostel stuff.


Okay, firstly, orientation this year is a mess. And i mean it. Well, activities by themselves weren't too bad, but the flow of it is bad. Enthusiasm wasn't really present. And discipline is missing! Better plannings, I guess!


Hostel... hmm. one thing good is the freedom. And the late rise and shine. But besides that, not much. you know, thanks to hostel activities, we're only free like... After 8.30pm? And that is too late! Bahhh.... at least SLs get special arrangements...


Today, there was CCA fair. Again, brought out my high pitch voice to attract people. Unfortunately, got told off by someone again. Nonetheless, I was BRAVE enuf to smile!

it's 11:20 PM now on Thursday, January 3, 2008



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