There are those moments my mind becomes a visual player and walks me through the moments I've had in my life. While the happy memories play, it lets me know I'm still a living being. Gives me a sense of normalcy about being alive. Yet while the bad memories play, it makes me aware of all the scars I've had, and then telling me again how the wound was there, how it ripped to expose those nerves and the pain of it all felt so real.

As the years go by, I find it harder to perceive my life in perfect years. If you told me to recall everything from January to December in a year, I couldn't. Studying in a university screws up your time perception because an academic year span right across two years - e.g. it begins august 2012 and ends may 2013. Therefore, every time I finish an academic year, I feel like I could close an old chapter and start a new one in the story of my life.

But sometimes, I try. While it is nearing the end of 2012, I try to really recall what happened from January to December 2012.

Year 2, semester 2.
When it was January, I was still attached. It wasn't the most pleasant thing ever although there were moments of normalcy. I struggled because every day was a challenge to get through. I was walking cautiously with regards to my relationship because you see, we were hanging on by a thin thread.

I felt like I was giving more than I was receiving, yet I never seemed to do anything right. Every other day, I hear from him that he was going to leave me. It almost sounded like a resolve, a determination. The kind of statement where someone was just hinting for me to GTFO of his life.

Every few days, I will be told that he can't say that he loves me, and if he did then he'd be lying.

Then there was the blame fest. While he did something that would most definitely upset me, he constantly blamed me for throwing the relationship because I was being unhappy. Till this day, he still doesn't get that a human like me has a right to be upset with the horrible things he's done.
When he had caused me to be late for an important meeting, he disregarded any of my feelings and even scolded me for being so uptight about punctuality.

Until it was International Women's Day where I read articles about women rights. Somehow I just felt like I shouldn't be dealing with these sort of trash, living this sort of life. A life where I cared for someone with all I have, while he pushes me around and puts me at the lowest of his priorities. So I told him that I'd give him what he wanted, and that was to get out of his life.

He didn't even give any effort into salvaging whatever was left of the relationship. He let it go the way you let go of trash while sticking your hand in the bin. He thought he was a savior for doing what he did.

And after that, all he wanted to say was that we would still be friends. That he could care for me as a friend and not a girlfriend.

I don't know why he thought that way as if I had agreed. I was nice to him; perhaps he wanted to retain my care for him while he relinquishes his care for me? One shouldn't simply assume friendship after such things have occurred. Going to a relationship, yes, it does spoil friendships. But ultimately, if there was a time where he would take care of you, and he chose otherwise... These friends aren't that much worth keeping.

I can't be a friend because I support my friends fully. I tell my friends that I'd be there for them whenever they need me. My friends are (I hope) true friends that would do the same for me. That's why I don't have many friends, but the bunch I have are amazing people. If you told me that I should be a friend to an ex who has hurt me countless times and never took responsibility... I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing it for them.

So like that, I remained single for the next few months.

I went through SCamp a free lady. I took care of my freshies, both guys and girls, with all the love that I had. I loved each and every one of my OG seniors and freshies. And most of them loved me back.

I complained about the woes of being single with all the singles in my MC. We'd just HTHT and sigh about all the girls that they guys have missed, stirred shit with whoever guy we could come up with with the girls. And then we'd laugh it off.

And for that time, even though I was alone... I wasn't feeling bad. I wasn't loved, but then again, nobody does... I'd be happy with that, rather than know that someone was supposed to love me but didn't want to.

And when I flew off for exchange, I gave my love to whoever I'd miss while I'm away.. And embarked on a journey that would redefine life for me.

So now here I am, writing this, finishing up my rather eventful year.
Of course there are more things to reflect on if I were to talk about my journey.. But it's still too early to talk about that.

Some things still baffle me.
My exes are still talking to me. While mostly I don't see the point why they would want to, considering the way they've treated me in the past. They didn't care about me then, sometimes I wonder why they would want to care for me now.

I get it if you want to apologize. I get it if you want to clarify things for me. If you want to talk to me about the above topics, I'd talk to you genuinely. If you want to talk to me just for your self-fulfillment (e.g. See I told you it was a good choice), then I see no point. You were once in a position where you had everything you could get from me, and when you gave me up to the elements, I had assumed you had given these privileges up too.

As a cautious person, I always wondered what sort of motives people have for contacting me. While almost all my friends contact me because they care for me or they miss me or they need something or some help from me... When there are people who push me away, and then look for me again as if nothing happened, it really confuses me. I have no idea what they want with me.

-scratches head-

But anyway, I am looking forward to going home. Exams are so near and I get that feeling of I just want to get exams over and done with and take a good break. I've been on studies non-stop since January! From NUS to summer school to exchange... I'm exhausted ><
 T_T

Please just let me finish this and then go to sleep a.k.a. rest with no motives to accomplish during the day...