I am not a girlygirl, nor am I a tomboy. I don't even know where to start about myself. Not too intelligent, not too stupid. Not pretty, and not ugly.

Sigh.

In the end, I can only stand back and see it all happening to me. I can't do anything about it, because he won't.

He won't.

No matter how optimistic I am, he still won't.

The Biology lab people seem to need much help nowadays. And I always miss those chances coz they don't know when I'm free and honestly never thought asking a student to help was good. Coz you know, in my school, students are little princes and princesses.. or so that's what their parents say.

Anyway, sorry I didn't help you biology people. I will always be glad to be of any help. Bio FTW~

I started my day waking up slightly after 5.30am. Then reaching school at 7.15am, sleeping in the canteen till 10am. It is actually bad to sleep in the canteen. The tables are dirty. The benches are tucked to tightly inwards. When you crouch to sleep on your arms, your arms/hands get numb, and neck hurts. But I managed, anyway, though I woke up like, every 30 minutes or so.

10am was meeting with college counsellor. She really can talk a lot.
So talk a lot she did. While her other colleague sips some coffee and grabs some snacks. Having a student-free time.

I then had lunch, until 12pm. Went into the library after that until 4pm, when i had to go run an errand. Bought a happy meal, that made me a little happier.

Dance. FUN! Finished the Gee part of the whole thing. Gee is actually really fun to dance. Maybe coz it gives me a chance to act cute. It is a little difficult to be cute when one is tall and thin. But SNSD girls are all tall with long long legs, ta-dah! Redefine cuteness.

And I think I can remember Yiwei's dance, dance steps, now. Although... I can't do them fast enough yet.

Overall a really odd sort of day.

I miss him. Really very much. I wanna talk to him, but what is there to talk about?

Tuesday was a brilliant day. I thought so too. Learned a new dance, though I still cannot remember the steps, and was picked to dance in the front row for WuNiang. And then we celebrated Renee's birthday before we went to auditorium to receive congratulations from the senior management through Mr Suresh. Gel went out to get lunch for Mel and I, and we ate it where we were.

The prom invites were printed and labelled, so we gave them out.

It could be better, I guess. But when things have never really been good, slightly above average is better than nothing.

11/11/09
I always thought something magical will happen to me on this date, simply because I love the number 11, and always believed it brought me good stuff.

I guess dancing Gee was pretty fun.

I guess having company was a change for a day.

I miss having him around me all day. Because he used to have to. And it seemed natural. And now I miss it. Because I don't see everyone everyday anymore.
Without the obligation, will he still remember me?

As a kid, I have been raised to get used to be told 'no'. No, I can't do that. No, I can't have that. No, I can't use that. No, don't touch that.
And so, I grew up believing I didn't deserve a lot of stuff.

Just that I've woken up after 18 years, and realise that I do deserve stuff.

But it's a little too late, I might say, because I didn't get what I need for my future. And now I want stuff that I might never get because I can't.

Following Fringe logic, that there are many realities running parallel to the reality I am in right now... I wonder why can't I switch to another reality where I might be better off than I am right now. I mean, what determines where our consciousness lie?

I could be a genius in one reality.
I could be a teenage star in another.

But why is my consciousness in this reality?

Need to start writing letters.

Thanks for the email, Gel.

I am typing this post now because I still can't fall asleep yet. I am in a conversation that is worth all my energy. Not to mention I took a drowsy pill and am supposed to be zonked out right now, but it doesn't matter.

So... Gel's happy now. Although I do not know yet what makes her that happy, I shall still say... Good for you, Gel! Lol, took me some effort to press the exclamation mark. I usually use fullstop, and then exclamation mark when I'm really angry about something, or when I'm happy, but I'm not usually happy so yea.

Okay, forgive me since I'm groggy right now. I feel drunk, but I'm not, coz I'm drowsy, alright? And in the mood to be emo and just say everything.

I want to be happy for you, I really do. But for a year I still can't find that happy for me. And if I can't even handle myself, I can't handle this. But I still want to be happy for you. I have to support myself emotionally, because nobody else will. Or maybe, the person that should will not do it.

It is, seriously, more than I can handle, so whatever I cannot relieve myself off, I either compress it within myself, or... I dunno.

But people around me, getting what they want, being happy because of it... It doesn't exactly make me feel happy too. Sometimes they remind me that I'm a loser, that I'm the only one who cannot get what she wants. Somehow, maybe, that they don't need me anymore and will not care anymore.

I don't know what I could have done better. I'm devoted, I'm patient. It's been a year, and I'm still alone. The person I like doesn't like me back. And then nobody else likes me.

All I need is YOU to be my side. Is that really that difficult? If I can be there for you, can't you at least SEE me? And as long as I stay devoted to you, you are NOT allowed to say that you're alone, you get me?

[You don't listen to me anyway, so it's really you to against me, I won't blame you if you still want to say you're alone. No, don't explain.]

I am waiting. I have been waiting. For you. You and only you.
Do you know how much I can give up just for you? No, you don't. So don't talk about it. I give up because you are worth it. But please, make it worth it.

Gel's right, I'm always number 2. It's great, at least I'm in the top 3 right? But it sucks if I stay no. 2 forever, you get me? Because every number 2 in the world wants to be number 1.
If one is good enough to be number 2, for god's sake, why not be number 1?

I want to be number 1. I don't want to be left behind like all number 2s are.
I can be better. And I am NOT going to be number 2 forever.

And especially, I wanna be your number 1.
I want you to turn around to see me. And when I'm not around you'll miss me.

Whatever. I'm gonna go sleeep.