She was so happy... For like so long, this is the first time I see her with that expression. Previous times when I saw her, she was so frail and so gloomy. But this time it was different.

As her friend grabbed her hand and ran around playing a game, she seemed as if there was a radiant glow on her face. And that makes me relieved. Guess it's always good seeing someone smile.

That brings me to think... People actually are happy when they have company and when there is someone who is willing to spend time with them. Like me. I'd be happy too.

Perhaps he doesn't like what I like. Perhaps he says that whatever I like is disgusting. But then again, it's only me who appreciates what I like... Or maybe coz I'm too wimpy for him. Either way, the person I stay with likes what I like, so I feel accepted after all.

11 more days, I'm excited.

This year feels different, I wonder why. My parents are getting stuff for me even when I didn't ask for them. And it feels good. That's how they love me... They give me the material things that they think I may want.

In a sense, they make me happy by giving me material luxury. It's not too bad, and those stuff do make me happy for some time. But in the long run, I want company.

People who willingly spend time with me. People who want to talk to me. People who appreciate me for who I am.

What a wish.

Everybody's working so hard....
It's going to be fine...
Everything's going to be fine...

He hasn't really been treating me well.

Damn, among my friends, I think that he has the least amount of pride in me.

When everybody likes me and encourage me by telling me how I've been good,
he on the other hand harps continuously on all of my bad points.
It's as if I have no good points to him.

Talk about making me feel happy. I think I'll feel horribly hurt if I were to listen to my own boyfriend telling me how much i suck or how lousy i am all the time.

Funny thing is that he never used to be like that. He used to tell me how cute I am, how beautiful I am, how nice I am. Not now.

There're so many good things i have done for him or to him.
But they seem to be missing now.
Whatever I have done to make him smile, they seem to be lost. Data error?

But i thank someone, whom i shan't name, for making me smile in the morning today. That person said that I did in good job in whatever I was doing. He thanked me for a simple act that I did to put a smile on his face. Thank you...

I also thank another person for letting me feel a rare warmth. Thank you.

Sunflower-chan is doing well anyway. It smiled at me in the morning. So bright and sunny though the sky was raining.

Tomorrow, the dreaded day.

I dun want tomorrow to come... sigh.

As usual, some person refuse to care about my feelings again.
Not only that, he has been consistently harping on about how sucky I am. Which of course, really hurts my feelings. And too bad for me, because he doesn't care.
In addition, he did mention to me that he didn't want to see me today.
Totally oblivious to how much hurt I am feeling.

Been doing quite a good job of hiding my feelings, umm... not in front of him, though. And he still couldn't figure out that I'm sad and depressed and upset.

Today, I asked him if he'd be upset if I went overseas another time this year, and I asked him that coz I'm worried. He said that I wasn't trusting him. Obviously I do. But no, he kept saying that I don't. Is he feeling guilty or what?

So i apologised profusely in case he really did get offended.

I apologised profusely.

And after days and days of hurting me, he didn't even sincerely apologise to me for hurting me. And instead, he says I'm pissing him off. By what? By being upset.

WTFish?

Anyway, decided to cheer myself up a little, so I went to get myself a sunflower while Gel bought other stuff as well.
It's the first time I got a flower from someone. And it's me.
Been so long since I last got a present.
Today gift was totally unexpected, and I was touched.
By myself.

Sigh.
I'm becoming such a pathetic being.
Having to cheer myself up.
By doing things that people would do for me, for myself.

But that wasn't too difficult seeing how I always only had my own sleeve to cry on when I'm feeling down. How I had to wipe my tears off myself.
So strong...

Of all my good points, which are really alot... He had to think of all my bad points.
Though it hurts him, or so he says, he still does it.
Sigh, how i wished he had at least some pride in me.

There was one sentence from someone that touched me today.
That person, who had always been a good friend, though never really had heart-to-heart talks to, or sharing problems with...
That person finally felt my pain and asked,
"How could he be so mean to you..."
Inside my heart, I crumbled at that sentence.
It was so short, yet it touched me that deeply.
Yes... Why?
I dun know...
To him, I suck...
But to many others, I'm someone they like.
I don't know who to believe.
It's only one person... the one person who i trusted not to hurt me...

Yet, he did.
And he isn't admitting it.
He doesn't want to care about me.
And now I'm not important to him.

Please, just take me away.

I'm actually quite happy today.

The only bad parts of the day were only in the morning. So this morning we had mentoring in the theatrette.

The better part is that umm... the interactors made some presentation about Project SALT, going to a village school in China to teach students English.
I'm still wondering if I should go, because this year has lots of overseas stuff.
First to Tioman, for 4 days...
Then in October, I'm going to Japan for Science Fair... Supposedly 4 days, but if I get chosen for rxchange programme, then is 2 weeks 4 days...
Zzz....

After Tioman, I'm sorta scared about going out of the country.

And Jun Yup's going to Malaysia for his astro module this Friday.

Hmm......

Oh yes, and tomorrow, we're going to have a super boring talk during mentoring again. Someone for MINDEF is coming...

Gee... Seriously, ppl who are in yr 1 to 4 should be appreciative of their mentoring times.... In year 5, everything becomes boring. Everything is about politics, the country, the country, and the country. I think they're super overdoing it la.... SO BORING.

And we're being forced into it.

Another bad part is that, when all students can happily go home at 10.30am on Friday.... Years 5s are kept back till 1.30pm for some leadership workshop!!!!! WTH..... And the agent is Trybe... We had it for the SL camp last time... now again..... Boring la, waste time for me!!!!

Sigh.

But today was generally good.

There was gamelan today. Mr Amran can't make it, so we had a substitute teacher, Ms Serene!

She's like so nice and she's able to teach us alot alot alot of new things.
And we actually make an effort to listen to her, because she's teaching us something new, and not NEWB. *glares at other ppl*

So because Aaron and Yi herng weren't here yet to play the bonungs, Ms Serene told me to play first, so I did. Played lots of wrong stuff because the pots were shifted, and teacher wanted me to play on the top row. But it didn't sound that nice, so she told me to play on the lower ones. Finally get to play the bonungs! Sooooo happy yea.

Then she taught the drums thing. We all tried, and it was quite alright.

After that, I went back to kenong. Played the ktkp as well, sometimes mixed up the timings.

She then taught imbalan, which is interlocking. Easier than it seems, the balungan players didn't get it at first, but after that, all good liao. Sounds really nice.

So well, Ms Serene is a very nice person. I like her, she teaches us well. Too bad she's just a sub teacher.... oh man... And one more thing, she remembers names damn well! She remembers mine coz I was the one escorting her, Irsyad coz he plays the drums well, Jamos coz he plays the drums and use handphone as well... Even Mdm Rohaida was surprised she actually remembers...
><

I feel so loved.

Oh you stupid girl.

Are you trying to kill me?

Blast it. You're one of those who use me and betray me after that.

WAB.

What a bee.

Shathole I'm never going to trust you.
I thought you were different from the rest and I chanced it.

And you what?

You betrayed me.

You so keen on bringing me misery, right?

Eat poop, you.

Do I really look that bad?

So bad that people who dun usually talk to me came to me and ask if I was alright? Or at least, people who I thought didn't care much about how I felt.

For once, my mask failed me. For once, I let the world see me in such a state. I wanted to smile, I really did. But alas, it didn't work.

"Hey, you dun look too happy these few days, are you okay?"
"Yea, I am. I'm alright."
"If you need some talking, tell me k?"
"Yea, I'm fine."

So.... unexpected. Not to mention that person wasn't exactly one that I liked. But damn, I swear I felt some warmth in that. Not much, but that little.

His touch is gentle.

"What? What's that?"
And he hissed in mock pain when I told him about it.

Somehow, my ears have now been trained to pick up the familiar squeak. The squeak.

And as I sit here, with the breeze gently blowing... I imagine myself as a little angel. I lie down on the floor, and I imagine myself lying on one of the fluffy clouds... Floating... Ah...

不公平。真得很不公平。
我真的不喜欢她，起初还告诉自己不要这样，因为她需要些支持。但是，真得太过分了。心里一直在那儿痛着，却告诉自己要坚持下去。
因为她，失去了从前有的关怀。从前所有的温暖，现在已经不再那么温暖了。
她所得的夸奖，我却没有。
明明自己已经做得比她好，但还是无法得到我希望听到的称赞。
我只能站在一旁，听着他称赞她干得有多么好。。。
自己一个人，用自己的手臂，低头擦着眼泪。
我的眼泪还算什么？
都没人管了。只有自己。
抬起头来，还是个微笑。
没事，没事。
真是口是心非。

Today was a very cold day. The skies drizzled, then rained, then drizzled. Then the clouds hung over the skies, doing nothing, slacking. And the wind blew.

Well, didn't bring my jacket down. So was freezing.

English was sorta interesting today, coz our group had to do a mini presentation about sacrificing freedom for harmony and stability. Of course, the question itself is a false dilemma, and we handled it fine, I guess.

So anyway, at this point, Jun Yup smsed to say that he overslept. And he's not coming to school. Yes, the trusty Jun Yup overslept. Because he forgot to switch his alarm on last night. Oh comon!

So me in school, alone. Cold, shivering, alone. But talking over msn helped a little, except for the later parts. When I felt unappreciated. -_- But never mind. Case closed.

Bio lesson was fun because there was practical today. We measured out heart rates and blood pressure. Shocked to find out that I have low blood pressure. But well, it sort of explains why I'm out of breath and panting everytime I do something simple. When I measured, it was 90/60, but then Theo measured 80/60.... I got scared that I requested Ms Fong to help me measure. She got 85/60. Damn.... Considered low.

PE was slack. We sat there and did nothing while others ran 2.4km, or so whatever they're lacking. Mel was training for track. i was just sitting there, ocassionally walking around.

Sigh. Dinner was fine, just got no feeling in it. There was apple, but i didn't take it coz nobody could help me bite it first... Haiz...

Sad.... Empty.

I feel quite bad that I unintentionally hurt Jun Yup earlier on.
And I'm sorry, sweets.

It's like this insecure feeling again... I dun even know if you're still pissed with me because seriously, I don't want you to be pissed with me....

Haiz..........
I'm sorry...

Up till today, I'm still wondering if I made the right choice picking up Kethuk-Kempyang. And I feel like switching back somtimes, but other times i feel that i should move on. I duno. But I really want to at least be able to go back to my saron whenever I want to. It's the first saron I've ever played on, and it is through that saron I began my journey into the gamelan world, and realise my passion for it.

Yes. Gamelan rocks.

Edited the wishlist. As compared to other people's wishlists, I realise I have quite little wants now... Maybe I'd prefer surprises? I duno...

Anyway, was so excited, going down to Borders @ Wheelock Place. Wanted to buy a copy of Acheron, but when I got there I was so disappointed coz I couldn't find any! So I thought I was blind, and decided to ask the information counter. Turns out I was not blind. It bloody ran out of stock. Damn it. I was so freaking devastated.

Sigh. Now I have to wait 2 freaking weeks before they restock. Half a month!!! That's dumb! Stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!!!!

i want my booooooook!!!!!

Anyway, somehow feel quite disappointed at certain stuffs. But just dun wanna say it. It's really quite a number of things that I'm disappointed in. And they just get stuck in my mind and wun go anywhere and there's nothing i can do to solve it.

Sigh.

Woke up early in the morning, then went to Jun Yup's house to play. His bro and sis were home at that time, but his bro left after some time. Played Diablo, pretty cool, like RO, but more bloody. Then played Rayman, which was like umm... Happyland? And Jun Yup played some game which i forgot the name.... Quite interesting, but repetitive.

After that, we went out for dinner, kindly sponsored by Jun Yup's mum. Thanks Auntie~ ^_^ Then suggested that we should tell Mr Iswandi that we're going for the gamelan performance thing. So Jun Yup sms-ed him, and he so kindly put us on the guests list.

Just when you think it makes no diff......

The guests have special chairs to sit on! Woohoo~ And so, we were there early, and got the front seats, which gave us clear view of what's going on! They were giving out feather fans as door gifts, so I went to take one. It was purple and pink! Hahas... So happy with it.

The performance was awesome! And the singer sang for so so so long... Pity her. Then they had a wayang kulit and dance, which was exciting though we didn't understand anything, coz everything was in Malay language. -_- SHUDDER!!! WHY weren't you there....

But overall, a really great performance.

The two persons who were sitting beside us left early, and they left both their fans behind, so we koped their fans. Lol. So cute, you see...

Well, after the first part of the performance was done, those guests were supposed to follow the dancers to another place for the 2nd part of the performance. However, everything was in Malay, so we didn't know what to do. Mr Iswandi appeared, then told us to follow the dancers, but in the end, we lost them and got stranded somewhere, squished between the normal audiences.

So yea. Apparently, the next part was some trance thingy, which i dunno how to type/pronounce in Malay. Ask Jun Yup, he says it really fast. Couldn't get in, so we just walked around, trying to find Mr Iswandi.

Went back to the hall, where Jun Yup saw/found Mr Thomas, the first gamelan instructor. Asked him where Mr Iswandi was, but he didn't really know WHERE, so we walked around more.

Then we saw Ms Chan, and decided to talk to her a little, but she was quite busy, so we just walked behind her, till outside. Then we gave up and started strolling again.

After that, we decided to go out of Malay village. On our way out, Ms Chan was freeier and we briefly introduced ourselves, saying we were from NUS High. She gave that surprised look and started being friendly and all... Then TA-Dah. We saw Mr Amran. He actually remembered Jun Yup! The sad thing is, he totally ignored me. I bet he freaking forgot about my existance, or he really hates me. Zzz. Hate it when teachers so that but never mind...

And that, was my eventful day.

Just to add on, I am not playing Saron for now.... Playing the kethuk-kempyang. And for ppl who duno anything about Gamelan. Saron is what plays the main melody... and Kethuk-kempyang basically goes pyang-thuk-pyang-[rest] pyang-thuk-pyang-[rest] (and it goes on and on and on)

Rather boring thing, but shall try, I guess. I'm going to be very bored soon... And I want to go for Bonangs next. I really really REALLY wanna learn bonang.... T_T

Bonang...........

Sigh.... And i miss my Saron. Shudder's and my saron.

Sobs.

Anyway, here's a word of thanks to Jun Yup, who gladly invited me over to his house to play, and also spending a whole day with me... Really happy, really. =) Love you!

And also to Jun Yup's siblings, Jun Xian and Shimin, for being around. =)

And also to Jun Yup's mum, who kindly sponsored lunch and dinner, and made me feel welcomed. Thanks! =)

And also to Mr Iswandi... Who is a really GREAT gamelan instructor. An awesome gamelan player as well... Thanks for teaching us well! And thanks for the performance tonight! Awesome, really!

Finally going home after being away for a long time... anyway, blogging using my handphone... quite tough to do so. Ah wells. jun yup says hi. lol.

Today I'm happy. I finally smiled.

How happy I am to finally be able to be with my lover. Finally be able to have him with me, just him and me, nobody else. I am very happy. I really am.

And I love him.

I really do.

With my heart and soul.

Had two tests today which were fairly alright. I found them quite alright. Must be all that clamping of emotions. For once, I want to show myself I can do something correctly.

So anyways, talked to shudder and rashi a little before going up to change and then went to Pizza Hut. Ordered much food. Always happens when I'm not in a good mood. Stuffing myself again. But amazingly, I stuffed everything down and became more than very full.

After much convincing, I finally am able to go look for Jun Yup, so paid for my food and ran all the way, walking only when i can't run anymore. I rushed all the way to JEC, to get the tickets for the movie myself. Made it on time.

The movie was interesting. But i didn't laugh that much. The people in the row behind me were being overly enthusiastic though. Quite bad at times.

Journey to the center of the Earth. Adventure!

After that, we went to take neoprints. Also my first neoprint with JunYup. An achivement today! I really love them.

Psychoed dad later on to let me buy a book. Which he did and I was very happy.

Then went home. Legs were aching, but Jun Yup didn't want to wait up for me, so I had to walk alone again. Half trying to move as fast as i can, half holding in little drops of tears.

Made it, finally. Relieved.

Went back to hostel. The End.

I enjoyed today.

I did post today, I just didn't display them.
I deserve all these.
Yes, I deserved to be hurt. To surrender at the knife's edge.

I'm finally back from Tioman! I enjoyed the activities we had there, but lol, i guess the lodgings were just.... acceptable level ba. Yea.



It was great fun snorkelling the first time, and i definitely wanna go snorkelling again next time.... Haha. Saw many fishies and sea urchins.



Also, some great things happened between two of my friends, which is really awesome.



Today, went out with Jun Yup, coz it is our 15th month together. Ate at macs, then walked around a little. So anyways, had a nice chat and all, so i'm rather happy.



Except now I'm feeling a little weird because I'm in a dilemma. Oh wells. Someday I'll get it sorted out. How I want to feel and how I should feel really contradicts. And anyways, I dun even know how I SHOULD feel.



Blah, and my efforts have been half wasted. I seriously thought it could have left a better impression. So shitty when everytime you put in so much effort into something and others just say it sucks or that it isn't good.



Sigh. Oh wells. I'm once again disappointed in myself. I refuse to be disappointed with the other person. Besides, he's the receiver and it's my fault....



I guess he had much better things to look forward to while I was away.



What would actually happen if I were away for two weeks.... Damn that would be really scary. Then again, I really wanna go for the Nanao exchange programme. But that would mean going away for an additional 2 weeks, on top of 4 days. That would be horrendous, seeing as to how much things can change within 4 days...



I so feel like sitting on a bridge over a pond or something, dangling my legs just above the water, and feeding fishes. I like feeding fishes in a pond. They all come around me, and i give them food, and they keep me company.... And when they splash all over just to get some food, it's so cute. Then perhaps, seeing them so frolicky, i would feel better.



Why why why...... Gah.... Why is everything failing for me.... People have like, better stuff to look forward to.... Anything related to me seems so insignificant now.



Sometimes I really do understand how Theo feels, that emptiness, that question about why people are too busy to take notice of those around them, the neglect, and how he feels coz of it. Yes, I understand. He tried hard, and I do too. But it just seems like everything is drifting away....

So anyway, today was somewhat quite crazy. Both math lessons were so boring, and so was ecology. And then, I found out that more of our kids dieded due to contamination and infection. T_T Got like, fungus and yellow bacteria on it.

Spent some time with Jun Yup today. Really quite nice coz I haven't been spending much time with him since last week, and I felt so guilty... Sorry darling.... Must have been tough on Jun Yup, consdering how emo he did get during that week. Wonder if it was partly or mostly caused by me. Sorry.......

Jun Yup can be mean when he's emo.... but he has his good sides on when he's in a good mood. Here's a congrats to Jun Yup for scoring full marks for his Chem quiz!!! Everybody who sees this, please go congratulate him or something~ Lol.

Anyway, the farewell party for Mr Ng tomorrow got major changes, all thanks to ONE extra person who emailed the principal to complain about it. So now we have to make major changes. Sien lah.

Why so special must go complain straight to principal? Cannot negotiate with us meh? Not like we never give enough time for it... And we even asked if there were any objections, after discussion with parents.... Bah. Stupid.