What I like.

I like punctuality. I like when people are on time, or early, and wait for me for once instead of me waiting for them.

I like someone who thinks from my point of view. I like someone who doesn't point fingers yet put in the effort to understand me.

I like to talk to people about themselves and myself. I like that people trust me enough to share their issues, trust me enough to keep their secrets for them.

I like people who think I'm awesome the way I am.

I like people who make me feel special, and people who do special things for me. I like people who do small things that show that they care.

I like gifts. I like when people give me little stuff, food, accessories, a card.

I like people who write. I like letters and notes and words.

I like people who like the things that I like. I like when people do with me the things that I enjoy doing.
I like people who enjoy the same music as I do, play the games I play, watch the same movies that I like, read the same books that I enjoy.

I like when people make effort to make me happy by their actions. I like when people willingly sacrifice something so they could make me smile.

I like stars. I like the shimmer they give even in the vast darkness. I like it that they watch over me as I sleep.

There are so many things I like, I can't even post them all.

Yet most days, I get the things I don't like.
There isn't really a point to this post, I just felt like typing it out. Venting.
Maybe act as a reminder that I actually still have preferences.

Maybe in the hopes that one day someone would be willing to do that, I don't know):

Some parents just don't understand how to talk to their children. This is especially true for mine.
Throughout my life, I cannot count how many times my parents have said such hurtful things to me, about me... Even as a child when I was looking to know myself, looking to define myself, I sought no solace in my parents as they told me their perceptions about me.

Parents should at least make an effort to let their child trust them. I was casted out, emotionally, since I was a child. I've lost my trust in them since 7. It occurred over a long time, where they punished me for deeds I did not commit, and they never once listened to my side of the story. They took whatever my teacher told them as the absolute truth, and beat me up for it. I couldn't trust them anymore.

Then there were those times, my parents told me how they never wanted a child... And they had me only because my father was the first of his siblings to get married, and my grandmother wanted a grandchild. I was just created as a tool to entertain.

Then there were also those times how my parents relentlessly remind of me how much I am using up their hard-earned money. They use money to pressure me into doing things for them.

Whenever my father didn't help my mum in doing anything, such as fixing things at home, or keeping the place neat, I was the one who did them in his place. Whenever my dad would sit around playing bejeweled, my mum would nag about how nobody helped her in anything, with the naggings aimed at me. Whenever my dad messed up the place, I was the one made to pick his mess up and get scolded for it. I replaced my dad's emotional role in her life, and took the blames for him.

At the end of it all, she tells me that my dad is the one bringing the money home and she would be happy even if he didn't help at all with the house. Mom, you're happy about it because you made me fill the gap for you. I did them all while he took the credit. I took your scoldings for him.
Proof? I stayed in hostel for two years, and then another half a year in Korea. The house is still as messy, shouldn't it be enough to tell you I'm not the one creating the mess?

I am a thrifty person. I know my parents are paying for my expenses and my education. But what am I to do? I am a living person and I need money to survive. And I need to survive because my parents brought me into this world. This world so devoid of love from them. Like I was pulled out of a garbage dump so I should be living a shitty life because I wasn't related to them. They want to say that I'm using their money? Of course I am. But they should be glad because unlike most other girls my age, I don't shop excessively, I don't buy the things I don't need. I have times where I spend a little more because I also deserve some semblence of luxury. Yet all in all, I don't spend excessively.

They don't let me work while studying, yet still complain about this.

I don't know what they want from me, or why they even want me around.
I can't even express my thoughts because none of my parents want to hear me talk, and none of them realize that as a human, I have feelings too.

Today, my mum told me how she despised babies because they cry, they're noisy, they stink, and she doesn't know what they want. She told me that I should never EVER think about asking her to care for my kids next time, because she hates babies.
Then I thought to myself, I was a baby too. Did she hate me?
I remembered how she had told me many times that my dad was the one changing my nappies because she didn't want to. My dad, lazy like he is with chores, changing my nappy? That's just disgusting because dad knew she would never do it and thus had no choice.

Then again, such a statement just sounds like she isn't even supportive of my future.
And then she just brushed it off, saying, 'think so far for what?'

I have plans for my future, and she's telling me not to think so far. Which parents says that to their children?

Also she said, 'aiyah, nowadays so easy, pay someone to take care of the kids lah.'
Know what? I'm speechless. I'm just so appalled at how adamant she is about not helping me in the future, even though I don't even have kids now.

Now I know how neglected I was as a kid. And the reality of why I don't feel loved by my parents.
And how they defined their love by how much money they let me spend.

My life wasn't bad, in the material needs. It's comfortable.
But emotionally, it's just sick. It's horrible.

When I step into the house, I see my mum's black face. I have to tolerate naggings on end. She can complain that I'm home late, and I don't talk to her. But know what? Every Saturday I talk to her, and we end up arguing, and I feel less loved.
It doesn't matter whether I'm home or not. The thing is that I'm already 22 this year, not some teenager that you'd keep locked up at home. I'd much rather spend time with my bf, where he would make me laugh like a little girl again, and look at me with admiration.

Which is why the faster I graduate and earn my own money, the better. No longer can they manipulate me with their money.

I know next time they won't need to depend on me solely for money, so I'm not worried. I'm not some unfilial daughter that throws my parents out, no matter how much they think I will. No matter how unloved they make me feel. I will give them enough, I will be financially independent from them, and they won't use money to manipulate me or buy my love. They will earn their love using their hearts.