I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where I've done wrong. I don't know why he says I'm showing him attitude when I'm really not. I don't know why I'm the one who is said to be taking him for granted. I don't know why he says I don't care about him. I don't know why I can never get him to be happy. I don't know how to solve these problems.
Being in the hostel with activities right up till 8.30pm isn't helping me. And he saying weird stuff to me isn't helping either. Everytime he gives me a hurtful answer, I stab myself once. It's only been 3 days since school started, and I am dying inside. I am trying very hard, struggling, to balance everything. With the orientation, I have to try to get the unenthusiastic people to be enthusiastic. And also to keep the spirit in those who participate actively. At any one time, I'm in charge of so many things. Unity activity requires alot of commitment. I am also attached as snr PSL to 307. Then on the last day, I was Food I/C. I have to run everywhere... And I'm really busy. Especially Unity.
Sharing with you an incident... I was told to go over to someone, so i went over. But after going over and taking some of the attitude and insults, I was told to go away. I did so obediently, only nicely requesting him not to say that again. No, but he didn't want to listen nicely. He just said "No. GO AWAY." Obviously, during that instant, I almost cried. But i smiled and walked away.
Somehow, I've been branded as a mean person for these short three days. Everytime i really felt like crying, I couldn't. I had to be strong for those around me. The greatest hurt came from the person I loved. He wasn't exactly talking in a nice, normal way for these days. But i still cared, I worried for him ever more than myself. I worry if he has taken his meals, if he's alright anywhere... What he's doing and all... Yet, with the stress of the damned hostel, I couldn't really care less! And i ask a question, I get a considerably hurtful reply.
I can tell you, there are already people who are crying. The year 5s. I wanted to. But i must be strong for them. What I'm experiencing, adding on to the stress of an SL, and the stress of a jailbird hostel schedule, is enough to drive a person to consider suicide. I want to just cut myself over and over with my hostel key. I know how sharp it is. And i now see it as a way to get myself out of this corrupted world.
To tell the truth, I've never felt so suicidal in my life. Until now. It's really hard if someone you love is treating you in this manner. It hurts to know that the only person you can turn to, to feel the love that you lack from your family, is treating you in this way. I'm trying my best to make him happy, as much as possible since I can't live up to his expectations. I'm trying to make up for the times I'm not talking to him. I really want him to be happy, so I can. He is the one I can turn to, and I trust him. It's how he responds to me that hurt me the most.
You know, it's like this feeling where there's something non-existant stuck in your throat and you can miraculously hold your breath for more than a minute? It's the choking feeling, that suffocating feeling you feel when you try so hard just to see matters going downhill faster than you can push it uphill. Yes. But. Although he treats me in this hurtful way, I still... want to love him.
Being in the hostel with activities right up till 8.30pm isn't helping me. And he saying weird stuff to me isn't helping either. Everytime he gives me a hurtful answer, I stab myself once. It's only been 3 days since school started, and I am dying inside. I am trying very hard, struggling, to balance everything. With the orientation, I have to try to get the unenthusiastic people to be enthusiastic. And also to keep the spirit in those who participate actively. At any one time, I'm in charge of so many things. Unity activity requires alot of commitment. I am also attached as snr PSL to 307. Then on the last day, I was Food I/C. I have to run everywhere... And I'm really busy. Especially Unity.
Sharing with you an incident... I was told to go over to someone, so i went over. But after going over and taking some of the attitude and insults, I was told to go away. I did so obediently, only nicely requesting him not to say that again. No, but he didn't want to listen nicely. He just said "No. GO AWAY." Obviously, during that instant, I almost cried. But i smiled and walked away.
Somehow, I've been branded as a mean person for these short three days. Everytime i really felt like crying, I couldn't. I had to be strong for those around me. The greatest hurt came from the person I loved. He wasn't exactly talking in a nice, normal way for these days. But i still cared, I worried for him ever more than myself. I worry if he has taken his meals, if he's alright anywhere... What he's doing and all... Yet, with the stress of the damned hostel, I couldn't really care less! And i ask a question, I get a considerably hurtful reply.
I can tell you, there are already people who are crying. The year 5s. I wanted to. But i must be strong for them. What I'm experiencing, adding on to the stress of an SL, and the stress of a jailbird hostel schedule, is enough to drive a person to consider suicide. I want to just cut myself over and over with my hostel key. I know how sharp it is. And i now see it as a way to get myself out of this corrupted world.
To tell the truth, I've never felt so suicidal in my life. Until now. It's really hard if someone you love is treating you in this manner. It hurts to know that the only person you can turn to, to feel the love that you lack from your family, is treating you in this way. I'm trying my best to make him happy, as much as possible since I can't live up to his expectations. I'm trying to make up for the times I'm not talking to him. I really want him to be happy, so I can. He is the one I can turn to, and I trust him. It's how he responds to me that hurt me the most.
You know, it's like this feeling where there's something non-existant stuck in your throat and you can miraculously hold your breath for more than a minute? It's the choking feeling, that suffocating feeling you feel when you try so hard just to see matters going downhill faster than you can push it uphill. Yes. But. Although he treats me in this hurtful way, I still... want to love him.
