Had to wake up early, and go down early coz of PSL farewell thing. Which totally pissed me off because I haven't had much sleep last night. Was thinking about stuff, and also evaluation of situations. Figured I probably made some mistakes here and there. But it still stabs whenever I think of that 5-letter word. It still hurts when I hear the word resounding in my mind in his voice. And it also hurts that just because I said a word that was neutral, a noun, but in description of something, I got scolded; and it's because he doesn't like the word. For a reason as simple as that, I got scolded. Yet I never mentioned anything dissatisfaction of his 5-letter insult, until after he reprimanded me for a word a said.

That word I said, was replacing 'promise' with 'pinky'.

So I cried last night. It was no use holding it back because there is no one who waits for me, to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Even Jacen refuses me that. My tears dun mean anything to anyone.

So is my pain and my hurt.

So he said last night over msn that he needed emotional support today, but since he REPULSES me so much, he's going to hang around another girl instead.
Then today he says that actually, he's hanging around everyone else except me.

So, I really dunno. I'm trying hard to be all numb about it. Trying hard to ignore the stinging wounds.

Then there was lessons, and Animal Physio was annoying. Supposed to form groups of 3 or 4 people, and since our class has 18 people, it was obvious and commonsensical to be forming 6 groups of 3, fair and easy. Theo and I decided first, then asked Aaron, but Aaron said to wait.

Turns out later that Aaron joined another group, and at first Theo and I thought it was our fault as Aaron said that the other group's person or people had asked him to join first. But then we went to check the list to see who doesn't have a group and it turns out that the group Aaron joined had 4 people, while the rest had 3 people. So Theo and I were the only 2 left out.

And thanks so much to that, Theo and I had to split up, joining two different groups. And now there's an uneven spread. I find this totally unfair, although I'm fine with the groupings.

Went back up to grab some sleep. My first siesta brought me awful feelings, and dreams of not being able to wake up haunt me. It felt so real, I got really really scared. Everytime I try to sit up in bed, and try to keep my position, I just slump back down and fall asleep, only to 'wake up' a few minutes later, following the same thing over again. When I finally really woke up, I sat up straight away, afraid of going back to sleep. Then my head began to hurt. Giving me a really bad headache.

Had to go for PE with that headache. Ms Lee made us run 13 rounds around the netball court. Almost died after that.

All in all, today was definitely one of my horriblest days. I'm really sad, depressed, upset, hurt and in pain. And it hurts even more to know that you're being left out by your boyfriend on this day, that he's hanging around everyone else but you. It hurts that even though I'm hurting, he's still not aware that I am; and even if he does he's not going to care in any way, because he had other things on his mind. Not just today, though today is a special day for him, but on usual days as well. It hurts to know that I dun have a shoulder to cry on because my tears dun mean anything to him, and that when I'm anything but happy, he's not going to bother with me.

I wish for a better day tomorrow, or maybe not tomorrow but the day after tomorrow. I want a night where I dun have to cry myself to sleep. Most of all, I really hope he would care for me as well, and not just me always caring and giving him comfort.

Sucks to be me, really.

It really hurts. It really really hurts, but I don't even know how to put this in words.