Because friendship is so valuable, I can't ever bring myself to see two people fall apart.
Being a person with a childhood with friendships so rare... Any friend beside me has betrayed me... I probably can't just tell myself not to care.

If it's for a friend, I won't even think of caring for myself.

Besides, I'm worth so little in this world already. To the extent that nobody really truly wants to care.

I thought it was going to be all over two years ago. Because someone did care, for some strange reason. Little did I know it was just a relapse in disguise.

I said, a year and a half later, that we could continue being friends. And now, where have I ended up. Being told to scram, even after all I've done. To get lost, after all the time I'd dedicated.

The tears taste exactly the same as they were 17 years ago. The bitter saltishness of abandonment, of helplessness.

Because of my classmates lies, I received treatment like a freak of nature. Because of them, my parents turned their backs on me, and though I cried for some form of warm touch, they never gave it to me when I most needed it.

When I apologised for a crime I didn't even commit, I knelt down on my little knees and begged for my mum's forgiveness, while i held her warm hands in mine. She dragged me across the rough kitchen floor on my knees without a care. She didn't even turn to look at me.

Dad slapped me on my face. He didn't even hear me out. Didn't even give me a chance to say sorry for the crime I did not commit.

I can never forget those moments. I tried to, but someone opened the floodgates awhile back. And they're back to haunt me.

How I wished I can just dump my life on another person to be responsible for it. Or not, someone, just beat me till my death. Just like how it used to be.

Can I trust you?

Just turn an eye to me.
Tell me everything's gonna be fine.

That nobody else will leave me alone ever again.


maybe i'll migrate next time, to start my life again. Run away from this past of mine.

Of how much I gave yet nobody reciprocated.

Of you.
How you came to rip me apart. Even after all I've done for you. Encouraged you to work hard, to stop self-mutilating. How you still could bear to toss me aside even after all that.

Of everyone else, those who never took the time to understand yet yell at me. Of those who were selfish enough not to listen yet demanded my help.

Of them, those who betrayed my trust. Those who never waited for me yet demanded me to wait for them. Those who never treasured real friends.

Friendship. And love.

I wonder when. When will people truly look where I trod, reach out to me when I really needed a hand.
Perhaps, never...

All I got to do now is to protect him. My little pet. I'd do anything. And after that, if nothing happens, I'm done. I won't trust any person anymore until someone reaches out to me, deep inside me.

How I wished my mum would stop and look at her only daughter. And tell me I'm the best person she's ever met. How I wished she'd stop reprimanding me for every single mistake.

How I wished my dad would actually care. Would actually go the extra mile for me, and stop saying that I'm a burden. How I wished he would at least protect me a little. Give a little warmth.

I dun have anyone else to talk to right now. Talk, as in, to listen to me, what I have to say or what I think. Someone who cares enough to listen and feel as I do.

I've been bottling up for so long now. So much I'd like to tell, to say, to express. But there's nobody to tell, to talk, to watch.

Maybe after today I'll go on haitus status... Or perhaps shift my blog address. If nobody cares enough to read, to understand, why should I keep it where people know? The comments I receive are mostly hate comments, or flames. And when I say something right, nobody comments anyway.

You left me in the darkness.
And for that, I'll never forget you, who you are.