Okay... So... I really don't know what to type here.... But let's try.

I feel like I'm not really who I imagine myself to be. Or like, what I want to be. I'm just trying to run away from stuff that are bad to me, and assume a viewpoint that doesn't hurt me. In a way, that is good as in, I won't have any disappointment and thus will not be disappointed. Yet, it is bad because it's like being selectively blind and I don't face stuff. I just wished that everything can be settled and all.

Sigh.

What is going to happen at Tioman, really? I really cannot imagine. I wonder if my efforts in this are going to be worth it. I wonder if anything good will happen to me because I put in effort. For once, I get something for the effort that I have put in. This time, even if I did not have any expectations, I suppose I will still be upset.

So near, yet so far.

Substance fading into nothingness. Emptied gradually. Slowly. Painfully.

One day.

This reminds me of my main worry: Will anything change?

I honestly hope nothing would. I'm satisfied with now, and I could be happier. But if I cannot be happier this way, then I do not want to risk it either. Because this means a lot to me. Perhaps it's one-sided, but by still being there, it gives me a calmness almost nobody can give me. So you're actually subconsciously giving me something to be happy about.

Somehow, I wished you would turn and reflect.

Today was nothing really much to be happy about. But I received my first letter for this year, I think.

There's a mock AP tomorrow that I have to sit for. Hmm.

Sigh.

You still worry me more than ever. Especially right now.