this is how I fall
I've been tolerating a lot of shit in life for a long time now... How gruelling my primary school life was, how lonely my secondary school was, how everytime I plan something and it fails, how when I do everything perfectly and fate just screws things up....
All these time, I've been tolerating. Standing my ground, and standing back up everytime I fall...
But no more, I give up. I seriously give up. I can't take it anymore how I never get what I want in life. I'm not talking about those toys and gadgets that I want. I'm talking about life, goals, and decisions. I never get what I plan/wish/pray/work for.
I fail at love and romance. Based on looks alone, I don't stand out. Most of my friends were online game buddies who don't see me physically. Then I ditched them all for my friends in high school. But now, I seem to have lost contact with a lot of them... As in, not talking much. Even the person that appears to be hearing is complaining about me.
I fail at planning my future. Because everytime I do, it just goes bust. Sometimes it's my fault, like today. But to look at it from a bird's eye view, this is not the first time I fail. Sometimes it ain't my fault. It seems like I have extremely bad luck.
Luck that I thought would be completely depleted of badness coz of my ill-fate in my earlier days. But no, it still carries on, and drags me to the deepest of the deepest depressions. I have no chance of being an NUS scholar anymore because I missed it's application period. Nobody mentioned this to me. My fault for not reading. but if God really wanted me to be a scholar, he would have sent someone to remind me.
It couldn't be God's fault, because I believe that God loves all of us. Even if everyone in the world didn't want me, God would still love me. Fate. Luck. What a joke. I think I would be fated to receive the world's worst luck ever. When things have a higher chance of going wrong, needless to say, it will be wrong.
But when the situation changes such that there is a higher chance of a good outcome, I would be the unlucky one that lands on the bad portion- even if the chance of having an undesirable outcome is 1% or 0.001%.
Today I got so angry. Some bitch at the clinic scolded all of us. She refuses to pay for her blood test coz the doctor quoted her "the wrong price", when actually there was to be GST and consultation above the test. That totally screwed up our day coz she caused a major jam, and every impatient in the clinic got pissed at us.
And my contact lenses aren't here yet.
And now, no financial aid, no scholarship. Just a stupid NUS freshman. Science.
Everything I wanted, gone. My peace, my schedule, my dreams.
I give up. Really. What is the point of me fighting so damn hard against fate? Fate is still going to win, and leave me more heartbroken than ever. What is hope? Just a silly little thing that gives you a fake ideal, a false reason to smile and be happy. What is mercy? Something you can never find on Earth.
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't be strong all the time. Not like this. Not when I don't have someone who is willing to fight for me. I can't do this anymore because I'm really tired of failure. Of being disappointed over and over again. Of smiling for all the wrong reasons.
Call me weak if you want, because I don't care anymore. All I wait for is the eternal life that awaits me at the end of it all, where there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more disappointment. Most importantly, I will be with the one who truly loves me.
All these time, I've been tolerating. Standing my ground, and standing back up everytime I fall...
But no more, I give up. I seriously give up. I can't take it anymore how I never get what I want in life. I'm not talking about those toys and gadgets that I want. I'm talking about life, goals, and decisions. I never get what I plan/wish/pray/work for.
I fail at love and romance. Based on looks alone, I don't stand out. Most of my friends were online game buddies who don't see me physically. Then I ditched them all for my friends in high school. But now, I seem to have lost contact with a lot of them... As in, not talking much. Even the person that appears to be hearing is complaining about me.
I fail at planning my future. Because everytime I do, it just goes bust. Sometimes it's my fault, like today. But to look at it from a bird's eye view, this is not the first time I fail. Sometimes it ain't my fault. It seems like I have extremely bad luck.
Luck that I thought would be completely depleted of badness coz of my ill-fate in my earlier days. But no, it still carries on, and drags me to the deepest of the deepest depressions. I have no chance of being an NUS scholar anymore because I missed it's application period. Nobody mentioned this to me. My fault for not reading. but if God really wanted me to be a scholar, he would have sent someone to remind me.
It couldn't be God's fault, because I believe that God loves all of us. Even if everyone in the world didn't want me, God would still love me. Fate. Luck. What a joke. I think I would be fated to receive the world's worst luck ever. When things have a higher chance of going wrong, needless to say, it will be wrong.
But when the situation changes such that there is a higher chance of a good outcome, I would be the unlucky one that lands on the bad portion- even if the chance of having an undesirable outcome is 1% or 0.001%.
Today I got so angry. Some bitch at the clinic scolded all of us. She refuses to pay for her blood test coz the doctor quoted her "the wrong price", when actually there was to be GST and consultation above the test. That totally screwed up our day coz she caused a major jam, and every impatient in the clinic got pissed at us.
And my contact lenses aren't here yet.
And now, no financial aid, no scholarship. Just a stupid NUS freshman. Science.
Everything I wanted, gone. My peace, my schedule, my dreams.
I give up. Really. What is the point of me fighting so damn hard against fate? Fate is still going to win, and leave me more heartbroken than ever. What is hope? Just a silly little thing that gives you a fake ideal, a false reason to smile and be happy. What is mercy? Something you can never find on Earth.
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't be strong all the time. Not like this. Not when I don't have someone who is willing to fight for me. I can't do this anymore because I'm really tired of failure. Of being disappointed over and over again. Of smiling for all the wrong reasons.
Call me weak if you want, because I don't care anymore. All I wait for is the eternal life that awaits me at the end of it all, where there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more disappointment. Most importantly, I will be with the one who truly loves me.
