Turning back
Today, out of curiosity, I went to read my 2009 diary. It wasn't exactly a 2009 diary, coz I started writing in like... April 2009. Also, I don't write everyday.
Reading the diary was like reading a storybook. There were of course, many things happening during that time. But there was only one main focus throughout that whole year. One person. And that was THAT person, let's just name him Eddie.
Okay, most of you should know who that is... Just that I don't know how many weird strangers... By strangers I mean people I don't know... come to visit this blog, so I will change the name. You guys should know who Eddie is la.
He's been always there, even if he never realised. He was probably the most important guy in my entire year last year, even if I was perhaps nothing much to him. But I'm grateful, because he provided me with a focus for that year. Even if I didn't get what I wanted, wished/hoped for, I bet my life wouldn't be any better without him. If everything worked out perfect, I wouldn't be lonely now, but life is never fair for me so I am not "not lonely" now.
Currently, I think he's about 80% forgotten about me liao. Never really talks. Wait, he never talks. I care, but he doesn't. So everything is so screwed up right now. I wonder if I have lost a friend. I wonder if whatever I did doesn't mean anything to him.
There was also a post in my diary saying that I don't want to think back next time and not be able to find something to be happy about.
I still haven't found a solution to that.
I know you guys will say Aiyah, be happy with the little joys in life. But seriously, if you work that hard to get just little joys, something is seriously wrong. Something messed up, screwed up. Because for every few little joys, there must be something like a decent, or huge joy.
There was only one thing last year that I can consider a huge joy. When I was labelled as a girlfriend, but that turned out to be a lie. So whatever joy, it was a lie. The most it can become is a little joy. I don't think I will be happy next time to know that I spent a year liking a guy who eventually forgot about me. Joy is when I can say that to my kid, and that guy is his daddy.
But nope, not gonna happen.
I also realise nowadays that I am always doing more than what my duties are set to be. Or I have been doing so. Which might also lead to why I believe I can do more than what I am told to do, yet nobody knows that. Problem with papers again.
Why the hell am I doing more work than my supposed senior (she worked at the clinic about 2 months more than me)? All she does is to push the work to me. I can't leave until my shift replacement comes in, because those juniors won't let me leave, because then they have nobody to do the dirty work of telling bad news to patients, or booking appts, or disturbing the doctor, stuff like that, you know?! I am going to leave at the end of June. Are they going to die like that and lock me at the clinic so I can't leave?
They have gotta learn to be on their own, because I won't be staying forever. In fact, I am going to leave and they are supposed to replace me somehow when I'm gone for studies. Lol, they had to find TWO people to replace me.
The supposed senior actually told me that she was very tired today, when I told her to leave me alone coz I was really tired and was woozing already. Ok, seriously? She wakes up at 1pm everyday to come work at 2pm! I wake up at 7.20am and work till like 4, and she tells me that SHE is tired?!
There has gotta be more to life than just people asking me to do their odd jobs. Is there actually someone who doesn't need me to do dirty job, yet want me to be around? Or is lots of people trying to clear me off their schedule when they dun need me?
Reading the diary was like reading a storybook. There were of course, many things happening during that time. But there was only one main focus throughout that whole year. One person. And that was THAT person, let's just name him Eddie.
Okay, most of you should know who that is... Just that I don't know how many weird strangers... By strangers I mean people I don't know... come to visit this blog, so I will change the name. You guys should know who Eddie is la.
He's been always there, even if he never realised. He was probably the most important guy in my entire year last year, even if I was perhaps nothing much to him. But I'm grateful, because he provided me with a focus for that year. Even if I didn't get what I wanted, wished/hoped for, I bet my life wouldn't be any better without him. If everything worked out perfect, I wouldn't be lonely now, but life is never fair for me so I am not "not lonely" now.
Currently, I think he's about 80% forgotten about me liao. Never really talks. Wait, he never talks. I care, but he doesn't. So everything is so screwed up right now. I wonder if I have lost a friend. I wonder if whatever I did doesn't mean anything to him.
There was also a post in my diary saying that I don't want to think back next time and not be able to find something to be happy about.
I still haven't found a solution to that.
I know you guys will say Aiyah, be happy with the little joys in life. But seriously, if you work that hard to get just little joys, something is seriously wrong. Something messed up, screwed up. Because for every few little joys, there must be something like a decent, or huge joy.
There was only one thing last year that I can consider a huge joy. When I was labelled as a girlfriend, but that turned out to be a lie. So whatever joy, it was a lie. The most it can become is a little joy. I don't think I will be happy next time to know that I spent a year liking a guy who eventually forgot about me. Joy is when I can say that to my kid, and that guy is his daddy.
But nope, not gonna happen.
I also realise nowadays that I am always doing more than what my duties are set to be. Or I have been doing so. Which might also lead to why I believe I can do more than what I am told to do, yet nobody knows that. Problem with papers again.
Why the hell am I doing more work than my supposed senior (she worked at the clinic about 2 months more than me)? All she does is to push the work to me. I can't leave until my shift replacement comes in, because those juniors won't let me leave, because then they have nobody to do the dirty work of telling bad news to patients, or booking appts, or disturbing the doctor, stuff like that, you know?! I am going to leave at the end of June. Are they going to die like that and lock me at the clinic so I can't leave?
They have gotta learn to be on their own, because I won't be staying forever. In fact, I am going to leave and they are supposed to replace me somehow when I'm gone for studies. Lol, they had to find TWO people to replace me.
The supposed senior actually told me that she was very tired today, when I told her to leave me alone coz I was really tired and was woozing already. Ok, seriously? She wakes up at 1pm everyday to come work at 2pm! I wake up at 7.20am and work till like 4, and she tells me that SHE is tired?!
There has gotta be more to life than just people asking me to do their odd jobs. Is there actually someone who doesn't need me to do dirty job, yet want me to be around? Or is lots of people trying to clear me off their schedule when they dun need me?
