I really hate it, cannot stand it, will crumble, when someone yells at me. And it's not only when people yell at me, but you just know when even though they say it to you really nicely, they really actually want to just yell it at you. Or me, in this case.

I hate it. I can't stand it. And I crumble. Really. I'm not kidding. I will find it hard even to remain standing, and my body just feels like I'm being ripped apart. Yes, I know it is all psychological. But because it is psychological, I cannot do anything about it. It gets so bad sometimes, it seems like I'm about to get a panic attack.

For the benefit of people who do not know about my past, I shall just state again why this is important, and how it is crucially relevant to my past. You see, as a kid, right from nursery, I was bullied. My classmates thought it would be a good idea to push all blame onto me. Thus, I was constantly reprimanded, caned, beaten, ignored, neglected, hated, mocked, and basically ate 'shit' for my entire childhood.

Every ounce of self-worth I had was bled out of me. And whatever I have now, is what I tried very hard to earn. Even so, it isn't a lot. It is just enough for me to understand that I am a living human being, who has feelings. Even till this day, I believe I am a burden to people, even my parents. I believe that I deserve nothing, but punishment at the very least for every little thing I do that does not meet expectations. I believe that people only love me because I can do things for them.

Everything that everyone says to me really means a lot to me, especially when it is regarding me as a person. Simple little comments may mean to me that I failed as a person.

When I get yelled at, it really pushes me to the max as it drains my self-worth. Because I know people are angry with me, people dun love me at that point. And I get very scared that I will get hurt, that they will hit me like I was beaten in the past, and they won't let me explain. Deep down inside, I blame myself for everything you yell at me for. I blame it all on myself, even if I didn't show it on the outside.

Some people just think I can't take criticisms. You are right! But it's not because I always think I'm right. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that you won't love me anymore. I'm scared that you will hurt me. And worse of all, 10 years worth of sorrow and misery just floods my mind. Sometimes, I just can't take it, and I just want to end it all. And to stop myself from doing that, I need to find every reason that I was right, that I shouldn't be hurt, so that I wun hurt myself.

The truth is, I know my mistakes. I know when I do something wrong. Trust me.

Don't shame me anymore. I have been shamed my entire childhood, and I don't need it to happen anymore.

This is the truth about me. If you can't accept this part of me, you can't be a friend either. Because I don't want to be hurt by my friends.