Ponder yonder
These two days haven't been easy, but I was glad I at least was reassured by my comm. I like how they are so serious when it comes to work, yet manage to smile through it all, and how we manage to seek joy in the things we do.
How they didn't complain when we took almost half a day for our meeting, tired, but we still managed to do things.
I am really touched, and I am reassured by you people that we can do this.
On the other hand, there are still things that worry me much.
I feel, that things should be much more focused. I can't really talk much here, with all the politics already buzzing around... But I do hope that things will get much better from today on because without a change, I am afraid that my heart won't follow.
My suggestion is, don't play so much when it comes to it... Because it is important, firstly, that work gets done before play. It isn't easy to find a common time for serious work, so I feel that time could be better managed in that sense.
Yep.
I guess that is the reason why I felt so awkward at times, when people are talking among themselves, making inside jokes, and all I could do is to sit and listen. Even so, people are judging, saying that I don't do anything. It is not that, okay... I just don't get what you guys are talking about. And that is how I run, I need to observe how you guys work before I can step up to join and interact.
I didn't get a chance to form first impressions of everyone, so I can't relate to everyone just by a snap of fingers. I assure you that once I can connect with you guys properly, I will be a very good friend.
Nonetheless, thank you all still for getting me to play the games as though I was already a good friend.
So these two days haven't been easy for me. And I really am touched that I at least had someone on the outside to communicate with, for me to rant and talk rubbish to. I really don't know if I'm being irritating, but to this special person who has been through my nonsense these two days. Really thank you, and ilu.
It has been emotionally draining. Non-stop questioning of myself as a person, continuous worry of being judged again and again and again, pushing myself even though all I want to do is just run away.
I am aware of myself, who I am, how I work... And these two days really go against that. Even though I know it won't be easy to change who I am, I know I have to. Change is never easy, always painful. But no matter what, I have to pull through. I will fall, I will bleed, and I will cry... but there's no other option, is there?
Yet change is always controversial. People want others to change, change for the better, perhaps... But when it does occur, we question again and again, if that was still being yourself. How many times have I changed, just for people to walk away from me saying that I am not the person they once knew me as.
Sighx.
One person, cannot be everything all at once. I want my friends to be close to me, and it is really not in my nature to hold on to large groups of people who aren't very close. Firstly is because I feel very obliged to invest a lot of my time and dedication into my friendships. Being in a large group exhausts me because I will want to give fair treatment and love to everyone. Secondly, the friends around me are placed so close to me because I trust they won't hurt me. I don't want to throw myself in the midst of a large group of people, not knowing each individually.
That is me. For now. And who I know myself as.
So yeah... There are many who can't accept this. And I know that it can become a problem. But if the ppl think that I can have enough love to go around for everyone, I shall try my best. Alright?
I really, really want my friends to know I am always there for them.
Boxing day = Boring day
I dragged myself home from the Dryad's Stayover last night at Simon's house. Bus 88 doesn't do me good because not enough halfway through the ride, I felt sick and felt like throwing up. It doesn't help that last night I was more than worried over Welfare stuff.
And spouted nonsense to Leonard.
Then I went home, and slept the nausea away. Nobody woke me up, until someone sms-ed me. So I lazed in bed, being moody. Moody, and waiting for Mum to come gimme a hug and ask me to get out of bed. Unfortunately, there was no need for Mum. Coz in my laze, I spouted more nonsense to Leonard and pissed him off.
I'm sorry, Leonard... Sobs.
So after a couple of obviously pissed-toned SMS-es, and one word that made me feel so scared, I jumped out of bed. AND WASHED MY FACE.
I don't know if I should be scared, guilty, or angry. I have the right circumstance for all three. Yea, then maybe I am feeling scared, guilty, and angry at the same time. Makes sense. For the entire day.
After lunch, Mum let me nap on the sofa for a really long time. All the while, waking up ever so briefly to reply Leonard's texts, in the most cautious way. I had a series of bad dreams, which involved people saying the same dreaded word to me continuously, or people walking away from me all at once, and another involving Leonard becoming so annoyed with me that he didn't want to see me againz.
SADFACE!
This is not true!
In any case, the dreams felt so real, I ended up feeling lousy the whole day.
So I tried playing Xbox360 Viva Pinata. Then, coz the plug for the fan was beside the plug for the console, my mum pressed the wrong button and switched my Xbox off! >:(
Gave up.
Then was dinner, which is the most awesome part of the day. Ate at Soup Restaurant and was SUPER super full after that.
End of day.
It's....
Christmas Eve!
This year's Christmas is a little more special than the ones I've had!
I think, as a Catholic, that the most important part of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
But let's just, for now, talk about Christmas as an event that everyone (or almost everyone) celebrates.
This year's Christmas is special! Apart from spending it with family, the very special part is there because I spent Christmas eve with someone I love. Best Xmas ever. ^_^
Went to Orchard bright and early in the morning. Didn't know what to get for us both, so we decided to just go shop and see what we like and we'll get it. So I got a Uniqlo Fleece jacket from him, and I got him a new wallet.
Now my jacket will be exceptionally warm ^-^ I'm sure about that. A jacket blessed with love is always the warmest, most comfy one! =) Thank youuuuuu~~~
Finally watched Rapunzel, and I think we both enjoyed it. Love the music, the animation, everything! It's really a good show to watch! Rapunzel does have a lot of hair though, sorta scary.
Best Christmas ever!
Shopped a lot too O.o
Oh wells, that's about it for today. The finer details are for me to keep in my heart, so... Not telling! ;P
Enjoy your Christmas, peeps!
I hate the weekends
I realise that things screw up the most during the weekends.
Today, I was quite happy in the beginning. Woke up feeling sort of refreshed and not zombie-like, unlike yesterday. Made my way down to Compasspoint for OCC. Managed to work through the entire thing, which was sort of an achievement to me coz I thought I would be too tired to carry on.
But I'm sorta sick of reporting screw ups. Let's just say that everything screwed up after that.
And I sort of, got really upset. I would be tired now, but a part of me is so enraged, I feel like staying up till someone gets up so that I could scold them.
I feel like having a Breezer now. No, I shall drink one before i get to school tomorrow.
I mean, it just takes one event to set off a chain of thoughts, to be in a state miserable enough to get the truth out of the people around me. Because people feel sorry for me. (And I know you do too, every time I am emo.)
Even though I'm not supposed to be emo, but what can I do if the only reason for me to not be emo is the one who set off the trigger? (I'm sorry.) Also, I now have more reason to be angry with you.
I don't know if the next day you'll come and say sorry.
I don't even know if you really read this thing.
I don't know anything anymore.
Why do you do this to me.
Harry Potter and sorts
Today, watched Harry Potter. It was pretty intense throughout, which is good because the entire book is dark and intense, you know... Enjoyed it. Kinda not used to the fact that the actors are way too old for their characters. Oh well.
Reminded me about how much I used to be a fan of Daniel Radcliffe. Still is. Haha! But he's losing his fans coz he isn't that cute little boy he used to be, and from what I saw at the movies today... He doesn't seem that buff. Oh wells. I'm still a fan, not a crazy one, but yes, a fan.
Went to run some errands after that, and had a great talk with Angela.
Sometimes, well, you can't expect too much from someone. And that's what I learnt. The more you expect, the more disappointed one gets. And yes, I am content. I have since stopped thinking about long term happiness because it is just too hard to get. Because it isn't a solo activity, and it will come to me when fate thinks I deserve it.
In the meantime, seriously, fate, you aren't doing a very good job. Step up on it. Seriously, before your mortal gets pissed.
So, I should at least for now, just appreciate what is presented in front of my eyes. Stop looking so far into the future. I think it's crucial that I can get my spirits up long enough for me to wake up every morning with a reason to carry on living. Yes.
Be happy with what I get now.
We shall see what happens tomorrow. I do hope that I get to breathe in that fresh air again, the familiar scent. It doesn't matter that most of the past I've been there with a recently-promoted-to undesirable. This is the future, and I am living in it. I am not going to dwell on the past.
[Especially since he gave me a reason to stop believing he could be a friend.]
I haven't finished my filming plan for tomorrow. I was hoping to get the scenes I needed for a film I wanted to do. I know I'm not good at it, and when it comes to editing that I will slack off because my programme sucks... Still, I gotta try.
And tonight, I will spend a lot of time purging all expectations for tomorrow. I must. I must I must. It's not right for me to be expecting things from people. I need to work to get what I want. And even then, we can't always get what we want.
I don't want to think what happens in the future. For now, I live the present and make good out of it.
Reminded me about how much I used to be a fan of Daniel Radcliffe. Still is. Haha! But he's losing his fans coz he isn't that cute little boy he used to be, and from what I saw at the movies today... He doesn't seem that buff. Oh wells. I'm still a fan, not a crazy one, but yes, a fan.
Went to run some errands after that, and had a great talk with Angela.
Sometimes, well, you can't expect too much from someone. And that's what I learnt. The more you expect, the more disappointed one gets. And yes, I am content. I have since stopped thinking about long term happiness because it is just too hard to get. Because it isn't a solo activity, and it will come to me when fate thinks I deserve it.
In the meantime, seriously, fate, you aren't doing a very good job. Step up on it. Seriously, before your mortal gets pissed.
So, I should at least for now, just appreciate what is presented in front of my eyes. Stop looking so far into the future. I think it's crucial that I can get my spirits up long enough for me to wake up every morning with a reason to carry on living. Yes.
Be happy with what I get now.
We shall see what happens tomorrow. I do hope that I get to breathe in that fresh air again, the familiar scent. It doesn't matter that most of the past I've been there with a recently-promoted-to undesirable. This is the future, and I am living in it. I am not going to dwell on the past.
[Especially since he gave me a reason to stop believing he could be a friend.]
I haven't finished my filming plan for tomorrow. I was hoping to get the scenes I needed for a film I wanted to do. I know I'm not good at it, and when it comes to editing that I will slack off because my programme sucks... Still, I gotta try.
And tonight, I will spend a lot of time purging all expectations for tomorrow. I must. I must I must. It's not right for me to be expecting things from people. I need to work to get what I want. And even then, we can't always get what we want.
I don't want to think what happens in the future. For now, I live the present and make good out of it.
The sun smiles in the storm
I had a very happy time today!
Managed to see the sunrise, and all... I don't really want to write too much about it here. But it is one of the rarest times where I actually looked forward to something so much, and in the end is a good ending!
Makes me feel like a kid all over again, happy. Just happy. No other concerns.
Thanks so much, Leonard.