It didn't start of too bad, to be honest. I had hopes of it ending well. But as it turns out, I ended up taking the train home alone, and crying on the way home. Public transport always sees me at my worst, especially when I'm alone. The crowds of people just make me feel all the more alone in this busy world.

It didn't end there. Once my mum was home, she yelled at me constantly, asking me to do this and that, reprimanding me if I did anything too slowly in her eyes, and blaming me for not fixing things in the house. I couldn't even shower or eat in peace.

Then I gave up, I just resigned to the miserable day that fate has set up for me. Whatever it is, just apologized. Everything just 'Sorry. Sorry.' Like what it was in the past, apologizing for things I didn't do.

I feel so defeated. It's like me, running all the time away from bad stuff and sprinting so hard towards the good stuff. But I'm still not fast enough and at the point where I can't take it anymore I just fall flat and let the darkness engulf me. (Yea, I'm getting good at these analogies stuff.)

At the point where I just rather raise the white flag, and surrender. Fine, do whatever you want -kinda thing. When I realise, no matter how much I fight, it's still not going to be mine. How much I plead for one day, it isn't going to happen. So I give up.

Reminded by him once again how I am worth less to him compared to an inanimate object. I guess, if you were me, you never really want to hear such stuff. It's really not that great when most people see me as like, dirt, and then the one person you trust to want to pick you up agrees that yea, I'm like dirt.

Isn't that right, when you love someone, you give them the key to hurting you the hardest, yet trusting them not to? I would love to have been the case where my trust really worked out. In reality, not really. It's that kind of pain where you fall, yet nobody helps you up. It's the kind of pain where it was promised not to be dealt, but still did. Like an ambush.

As strong as I appear to be, I've been shielding for the past 19 years. It is crumbling, and it's draining my energy just to keep it up.

Like they say, the greatest lie that anyone speaks is "I'm fine."

I'm fine.

Just that I see every potential happy day I have being stripped from me. It's not a good thing to be witnessing or experiencing.