If water flows through the gaps in my fingers...
I would still do whatever I can to keep it in my hands. To quench the fire burning within me.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
Yea. Really, probably the worstest birthday in my life. I never thought I'd had a birthday week like that. Ever. I would be upset about things like, I didn't get into MC, or that my plans didn't work out. I never thought I would end up hurt like that.
Sometimes, wounds, they scab over. But beneath that scab, all raw. Raw, sizzling nerves beneath that tough calloused scab. And these wounds don't close beneath the surface.
Now, these same wounds are being cut open again. With the same blade, the same cuts, the same angle. This time, driving deeper.
Can you imagine being told the exact same words that destroyed you more than 2 years ago? The kind of words that make you a damn fool. The sort of word that cheapens you to nothing at all. And the same words that tell you that you are worth nothing.
It was then I told myself, that it was over and I didn't have to go through such pain again. This kind of thing, this kind of suay things, will only happen once in your life. And when you made it through those times, it won't happen again.
It did. It happened again, exactly the same.
This time, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. I don't know how to stop this except to try and try and try, and never give up. The sort of destruction you know you can never take once more. The pain. The pain..
Why.
Why do I deserve this twice.
I didn't want to be negative in life. But you tell me, how after all this, you can still be happy with life and still believe that there is kindness and love in this world for you. How is it possible that, to experience this twice, you still believe that anyone finds me something worth holding on to.
Let me tell you this.
Twice. The exact same words, "I never really loved you."
The first spent 1.5years with me. All the signs were there that he wouldn't change. I held on. I held on because I believed. And to have that 1.5 years, being told I was only liked for one month. 1.5 years of being called Bitch, and I still held on. This guy then went on to love a girl more than he did with me. And that girl was everything he hated about me.
Now. 8 months. 8 months spent convincing and assuring me. 8 months of assuring me that stability. Because of one incident, which I was never given the chance to rectify. I was told the same thing. I put my trust in him because he earned it from me. And yet he tells me the same thing.
Do you know how much that hurts? And how much you'd do just to change things, to bring them back before this nonsense all snowballed and went downhill. How strong you'd stand just to not feel the pain?
I'm afraid. Truthfully I am. I don't want to experience that sort of pain anymore.
And this fear is enough to drive me to never give up. I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to deal with myself if this happens again. I don't even want to think.
