Okay, I am not trash. Even if I was meant to be born one, I won't make myself become one. So people who want to think of me as disposable, cheap, ugly and dirty, can go rot in HE double-hockey-sticks. 

Today, my teacher smiled and said to me, "와... 카산드라! 너무 이뻐..." And I thought that had to be the nicest thing ever since... I just don't realize how I haven't felt pretty in a long while because of everything I was told by someone I trusted. How don't know how I could have taken his rude comment of saying how I must wear this, or dress a certain way, when I meet him or his friends. Or how I cannot come over to meet him if I didn't dress a certain way. To make things worse, he was always late whenever we wanted to go out for some dinner. I don't understand how him being late and disregarding our time together would make me want to dress for him in the first place.

Looks aren't about everything. I wasn't appreciated for who I am, I wasn't respected as a person or even a friend. I was just someone he could turn to when he has nobody to play with, and someone he could push aside whenever there was other people around to entertain him. 

Sometimes I'm at home, wearing all the comfortable clothes walking around. And then I thought to myself, now I can wear whatever I want without being judged. Or worrying that I might make him lose face. And that, I realized, is something saying that I wasn't treasured. I should be someone that he is proud of, and not trying to hide from his friends, imposing conditions on me just so he doesn't 'lose face'. I'm not going to visit a place of residence dressed like I'm going for a fancy tea party or to a club. And I most certainly do not dress so that other guys can ogle at me. He should be one who makes cure no other guys so much as lay a finger on me.

I don't have to strut around in contact lenses everyday in fear of being labelled ugly for having spectacles. Myopia is something that I have to live with, and if he can't accept that then he's not respecting me as a person. I did not ask to be half-blind without an aid. And so what if I have to wear them? I wear because I can't see without them. Although, yes, I still do wear contact lenses regularly, but I do so because I'm not pressured to. And I don't have to keep them on beyond my comfort zone just for eye candy purposes.

If a guy doesn't fight for you even at the very end, he's a jerk. I did all I can, and he never lifted a finger to support this, to support us. At the very end, he couldn't even get himself to hold on to me. Nothing hurts more than the person you love and trust, telling you every other week that they just have to leave in the future. Nothing hurts more than that person bothering to spend half the day arguing with you, and say that they will not and can not say that they love you. 

It's not fighting for me if you say that if I wanted you back, I had to agree to your conditions that I have to accept that you have to leave me next time for sure. That condition did not have a compromise on my side. All I want is to have the guy I love back, and the guy I love doesn't put an expiry date on us, and doesn't convince themself that it is all good and fine if they leave next time. 

And he said 'if I wanted (him) back'. There was nothing stating how much you want me back, so it's not even fighting for me.

I'm not desperate, but rather, fighting for something I love. Someone I love, and apparently, he is gone into oblivion because of change, because of disrespect for me and us, and because of deteriorating maturity.